I feel so helpless and frusterated.
DS1, who is a little over 3.5 years old, moved rooms about 2 months ago. For the past two weeks, he has been sent home with "yellow and red" faces. (green is good, yellow is mis behaving, but still listening, red is not listening, very bad behavior). He's been hitting and pushing. Usually, his behavior is provoked. Someone took his toy, pushed him, etc. Not acceptable to push back, but understandable, right? Well, the last two days, the teachers said he was pushing and hitting for no good reason. No one provoked him, he just randomly went up to some other child and hit him/her. When they spoke to DS1, he wouldn't apologized (which he usually does right away) and would walk away from the teachers (which he never does either).
This behavior is so not like him. What's his deal? How do I fix this? I took away TV privilegeslast night (which suuuuucked more for me btw, lol) and every time he asked to watch TV, I told him no and why he wasn't able to watch TV. We repeated over and over again that we do not hit, push, or bite (he isn't biting, but it doesn't hurt to remind him) and that if someone hits him, he is to go get a teacher and not to hit back.
He doesn't act like this at home, so it's hard to correct his behavior, but obviously I would if he did. Also, when I ask him why he hit his friend, he tells me he didn't hit anyone, or that so and so pushed him. So obviously the teachers talking to him isn't hitting home because he doesn't "remember" or flat out lying to me. I'm more inclined to believe he's lying, which I know he does, and we have been dealing with that issue as well.
What can I do? Is it too late to punish him when he gets home? He is old enough to associate last nights punishment with yesterdays behavior right? Should I suggest shadowing him? This really random behavior is just the past two days, so should I give it more time?
Re: How do you deal with behavior issues at DC?
I know they put him at the "thinking table" and talk to him about not hitting, pushing, etc. That's what I've been told.
I think the last teacher used to put them in time out. Never had this problem with her. But I am not sure what the right answer is.
I thought the punishment always had to be close to the event too, but at what age does that stop?
I definitely think that scheduling a meeting with the teacher is a good idea. You'll be able to find out exactly what they do to correct the behavior and might be able to give some ideas based on your DS's personality.
I tend to think that the punishment doesn't always have to be close to the event. DS is almost 3.5 and he definitely remembers when he does something right and wrong and will talk about it later. I'd try and set up some sort of reward/loss of privilege system at home depending on if he has a green, yellow, or red card. We are about to start a rock jar at home to help correct some of DS's behavior problems and encourage good behavior. Maybe something like that could work for you guys.
Maybe I need to bring back the sticker chart.
Keep the questions coming ladies!
Red face is when he hits out of the blue and doesn't apologize?
Another good question. Honestly, I have been disregarding the yellow faces bc I feel like, ok, NBD, he reacted, they corrected him, he responded. But now that he is hitting without reason, now I am concerned.
We don't hit at home. We tried this form of punishment very briefly a while ago, but it didn't work so we stopped. So he is definitely picking it up from school. He does still nap, and the time it happens vary. Yesterday's incidents were both in the morning.
At 3.5 years here is what I did. I would directly talk to the teacher after school each day. If DS1 did something bad, I would have him look the teacher in the eye, repeat what he did and apologize. I then emphasized at home the respect that he's to give to teachers. Secondly, I "talked" with DS1 about why he was hitting. He'd say that so and so took a toy so he hit or pushed. I'd then say, Well, how can you handle it differently so you don't get in trouble? What's the right thing to do? What's the wrong thing to do? Sometimes, talking to them helps more than just a reaction by punishment.
You can for sure punish that late in the day for a 3.5 year old. You have to know where to get them where it hurts like tv or a particular toy. Then, on the days he gets the best color is when you celebrate. We do a celebratory dance, I gave DS1 high fives, we got to call the grandparents and daddy to tell them. Made a big deal out of it.
I would take a different tack at home and focus on positive attention. Give him as much control as possible over daily activities. Make him feel powerful and important to you and the family as a whole. I would not even discuss his school behavior with him, but have a meeting with the teacher to be sure you're on the same page as her with discipline.
I generally avoid doling out discipline that causes me more suffering than it does my child (such as taking away TV ha ha).
Let us know how things are going.
I scheduled a meeting with the teachers for Friday morning to talk to them and make sure we are all on the same page.
I am so glad I posted this. I am so emotional about it, I can't think straight! You ladies are offering amazing advice! Thank you!
aside from having him think, what are the teachers doing? What else is going on when he exhibits this behavior, is it when he's hungry, is it after he sees his old teacher in the hall way, is it when he's playing with a certain bunch of kids, is it right before nap time, is it during an activity he doesn't like......
There's obviously something else going on, especially since you're not seeing this behavior at home, and the teachers need to work with you to figure out what it is.
I also learned in teacher training to tell children what they SHOULD be doing (ie, hands to self) vs what they shouldn't (hitting, pushing). But that's slightly older kids, and it doesn't always work, so take my advice with a grain of salt
It's awesome that you're being so proactive! Good luck!!