Babies coming home.

diamante1181 · October 2013

For the past few days (especially since losing our babes) I have thrown myself into listening to music and writing poetry and letters. Is there any song you listen to, to remember, or to cry? Today is going to be a rough one, though. I am waiting for the funeral home to call to pick up Gabe and Sophie today. I didn't wake up hysterical like every morning, and I suppose it's because I know I will be out of control later. I question everything right now. I question purpose. They say everything happens for a reason. I simply feel this was too random to be purposeful. Or what lesson will I learn after this has happened? I couldn't learn love with a living child, I had to learn with TWO that have passed? I want to fast forward to when I'll wake up and not feel a hole growing in my heart. I hope that day can come. But for now, I am vanishing into the abyss. Grief is so volatile. One moment you can be almost normal, and almost hopeful. The next, trapped in a proverbial vice grip that is sure to take your air and leave you desolate and desperate. I question why God allowed this to happen at all. I question why life is so fragile yet I've stuck around through so many things, and the babies could not make it. The world got cheated out of these two precious souls, and now there is a broken spirit wandering about, looking for answers, hope, absolution.

OSUWifey09 · October 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

I felt so many of those emotions when I lost Devon. I remember sitting in my parents' room the day I came home empty-handed from the hospital and thought, "Is this seriously my life? Am I seriously going to have to bury my baby? How the hell is this even FAIR? Even RIGHT?" I cried every day for more than 50 days straight [I quit counting after 50, but I cried at least twice a week for the first six months]. Some days, I felt normal - and then I felt bad for feeling normal because I had lost a baby, dang it, and my world had ended the moment I found out. How was it right to feel normal when I wouldn't get to raise my son?

Losing a child [or children] is so hard. The day to day is so hard. Just try to take it one day at a time, take it easy on yourself, and grieve any way you need to. For me, I wrote in a journal, sang "You Are My Sunshine" to him, slept with the teddy bear they sent me home from the hospital with, and cried. I cried so much that I wasn't sure I'd have any tears left for the rest of my life. My hope is that as time goes on, you will heal - but I know the pain will never go away, and that's OK. I wish I had better words of comfort or could just give you a big hug right now.

Noethola · October 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

Your thoughts and feelings are very natural. Its surreal to think this is our life. I got to the point where I didnt know what to ask, think, feel, etc. All I could do was exist and survive. I started a journal, writting letters to Elsie each day. I wrote about what I would tell her had she been born, where she would have been developmentally, etc. Do whatever it is you need to do to survive, especially through this early stage. Grief will continue to rear its ugly head in moments that seem to be calm.

One of the songs I listened to on repeat was "Your Hands" by JJ Heller.

kz's_girlygirl · October 2013

Like PP said, the day to day is brutal. One second things seem like 'before', and then I remember- my baby died. That day was pivotal, and now there will always be a before and after. I completely understand how so many people in history have wanted to tear at their faces and clothes to try and stop the pain of grieving. Some days I literally want to do that.

I've been slowly reading Sunshine After the Storm which is a collection of personal essays from people who have lost children at all stages.

I have had the following few songs on repeat for days: Jetty Rae- Kerosene, Peter Gabriel-I Grieve, Fiona Apple-First Taste and The Child is Gone, They are mainly to just cry.

diamante1181 · October 2013

I have been listening to Evanescence-My Immortal and My Last Breath, Puddle of Mud-Blurry. You all have some good songs I didn't even think of them.

schulme2 · October 2013

I'm so sorry. I think we have all been exactly at that point, even if we're not there right now; The hopeless, confusion, just empty. One song I like to listen to is Carrie Underwood "See you again". Even if it's not your type of music, it's beautiful and makes me happy and sad at the same time.

diamante1181 · October 2013

On the contrary, I love me some country. My musical interests are pretty diverse, actually. I think I'm going to set up a playlist of the songs listed in the thread. I think it will be a nice collaboration.

OSUWifey09 · October 2013

***SIGGY***

Oh yeah - the song bit. I'll add that I didn't really listen to songs that would make me cry when I lost Devon. The only one was "Baby Mine" by Alison Kraus [yes, the remake of the song in Dumbo]. The funeral home said a lot of parents had that song play during their babies' memorials/funerals, but I just couldn't do it. Every time I need a good cry, I put that song on.

BrittianyM · October 2013

Hope you find some sort of peace once your babies are home. Sending hugs your way!

kz's_girlygirl · October 2013

Another couple of songs that I listen to a lot lately are Ten, by Yellowcard, and This Gift, from the Timothy Green soundtrack. They are both more encouraging to my ears.

bunnybun4 · October 2013

OSUWifey09 said:

***SIGGY***

Oh yeah - the song bit. I'll add that I didn't really listen to songs that would make me cry when I lost Devon. The only one was "Baby Mine" by Alison Kraus [yes, the remake of the song in Dumbo]. The funeral home said a lot of parents had that song play during their babies' memorials/funerals, but I just couldn't do it. Every time I need a good cry, I put that song on.

@osuwifey09 this is our song too!!!

jbranden12 · October 2013

((hugs)) this is a hard day. I found music really helped me let my emotions out. I wrote a blog post on the songs I identify with Patricia: https://lovingthekirstens.blogspot.com/2013/08/patricias-songs.html

diamante1181 · October 2013

@jbranden12 I absolutely loved the Glee vids. I forgot how much I liked them. Such powerful messages in those songs.

ajsweeton · October 2013

*****siggy warning*****

I don't know if you're a Christian music listener or not, but I found Laura Story's Blessings to be so perfect to me. The chorus is "what if your blessings come from raindrops, what if your healing comes from tears." It makes me cry whenever I hear it, but it also reminds me that God is with me through everything. Even the terrible things. I listened exclusively to KLOVE after my loss and it seemed like a lot of the songs were comforting to me. I also struggled with the why and what purpose losing Elliott and Ryland served. Sending t&ps to you.

Number2forus · October 2013

I'm so sorry, I am going through the same emotions. I just made a playlist for when I just want to think about her and cry. Some if the songs are:
Let her go by passenger
Gone too soon by daughtry
This woman's work
I will carry you
Fix you by coldplay
Glory baby
Slipped away by Avril lavein

schulme2 · October 2013

ajsweeton said:
*****siggy warning*****

I don't know if you're a Christian music listener or not, but I found Laura Story's Blessings to be so perfect to me. The chorus is "what if your blessings come from raindrops, what if your healing comes from tears." It makes me cry whenever I hear it, but it also reminds me that God is with me through everything. Even the terrible things. I listened exclusively to KLOVE after my loss and it seemed like a lot of the songs were comforting to me. I also struggled with the why and what purpose losing Elliott and Ryland served. Sending t&ps to you.

I agree. This song really helped me as well as KLove. It seemed like every song had a meaning for me in that moment. The other song that really spoke to me was "The Hurt and The Healer by MercyMe:

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering.
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

stefuge · October 2013

schulme2 said:

*****siggy warning***** I don't know if you're a Christian music listener or not, but I found Laura Story's Blessings to be so perfect to me. The chorus is "what if your blessings come from raindrops, what if your healing comes from tears." It makes me cry whenever I hear it, but it also reminds me that God is with me through everything. Even the terrible things. I listened exclusively to KLOVE after my loss and it seemed like a lot of the songs were comforting to me. I also struggled with the why and what purpose losing Elliott and Ryland served. Sending t&ps to you.
I agree. This song really helped me as well as KLove. It seemed like every song had a meaning for me in that moment. The other song that really spoke to me was "The Hurt and The Healer by MercyMe: Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering. I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide

Another Christian one that has helped us is Need You Now by Plumb. Clinging to my faith is really all that is getting me through some days.

Babies coming home.

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