For the past few days (especially since losing our babes) I have thrown myself into listening to music and writing poetry and letters. Is there any song you listen to, to remember, or to cry? Today is going to be a rough one, though. I am waiting for the funeral home to call to pick up Gabe and Sophie today. I didn't wake up hysterical like every morning, and I suppose it's because I know I will be out of control later. I question everything right now. I question purpose. They say everything happens for a reason. I simply feel this was too random to be purposeful. Or what lesson will I learn after this has happened? I couldn't learn love with a living child, I had to learn with TWO that have passed? I want to fast forward to when I'll wake up and not feel a hole growing in my heart. I hope that day can come. But for now, I am vanishing into the abyss. Grief is so volatile. One moment you can be almost normal, and almost hopeful. The next, trapped in a proverbial vice grip that is sure to take your air and leave you desolate and desperate. I question why God allowed this to happen at all. I question why life is so fragile yet I've stuck around through so many things, and the babies could not make it. The world got cheated out of these two precious souls, and now there is a broken spirit wandering about, looking for answers, hope, absolution.
On 10/23/13 Baby Sophie and Baby Gabriel born at 21+5 weeks. They grew wings and flew away from us. May God bless them always. We love you beans!