Hoping Hubby Says Yes

llsst31 · October 2013

DH and I have had a few conversations about babies, both before and after we were married. Before marriage, we were both on the fence, and we were OK with that. Recently I decided that I want to have a baby. Through a couple of rough conversations, he has said both no and yes. We agreed to start the conversation from the beginning again and only keep it on a good note. I still really want to start TTC, and want us to both be happy with it, but I am afraid to start the conversation again because I don't want him to say no. Has anyone had their husband start with a "NO" but turn it around to a "YES"?? How did it happen? For those quick to be nay-sayers - he also said that he didn't want a big wedding and he changed his mind on that after a while - and really loved our wedding day. Really just looking for stories here. Thanks!

JemmaWRX · October 2013

My husband initially said yes to TTC in December. Then things didn't go the way he had hoped at work (he's on commission) so the conversation has been tabled for now. It's a really big decision. It's a lifelong commitment. Much more important than big wedding vs. small so that analogy doesn't really apply, you know? If it's a firm "no" you need to respect that. But you wouldn't be out of line to ask for a time table. "So now is not a good time. What are you wanting to achieve in the meantime? When do you think you will be ready and under what circumstances will you feel prepared?" Then take it from there. If it's financial goals start working together to achieve them. If he's not ready to give up his freedom make a baby bucket list! Just work with him and give him time to come around. You both have to be on board. Good luck!

dogperson11 · October 2013

JemmaWRX said:
My husband initially said yes to TTC in December. Then things didn't go the way he had hoped at work (he's on commission) so the conversation has been tabled for now. It's a really big decision. It's a lifelong commitment. Much more important than big wedding vs. small so that analogy doesn't really apply, you know? If it's a firm "no" you need to respect that. But you wouldn't be out of line to ask for a time table. "So now is not a good time. What are you wanting to achieve in the meantime? When do you think you will be ready and under what circumstances will you feel prepared?" Then take it from there. If it's financial goals start working together to achieve them. If he's not ready to give up his freedom make a baby bucket list! Just work with him and give him time to come around. You both have to be on board. Good luck!

Excellent advice. Welcome to the board, OP

JNCPro3130 · October 2013

Hey!

I'm a little confused. Is your DH saying No to babies altogether or just no for right now? If he is not wanting children at all and you were both on the same page when you got married, it is a little unfair to expect him to change his mind now. If he just doesn't want children right now, maybe you can have a "to-do" list before trying. I know my husband and I wanted to make sure we had good jobs, a house, and were financially ready. Maybe your DH just has some things he wants to accomplish first. Overall, as others have said, just talk with him. Let him know your reasons, but really hear him out on his. Good luck!

obxlaurak · October 2013

I think it's important to establish a timeline. If your husband is saying "NO" to kids all together, than that's a whole other issue. If he's just saying "No, not right now", then he simply isn't ready right now and that's OK. You can ask him what he wants to accomplish in the mean time and maybe together you can decide to re-visit the discussion in 6 months.

I've been ready since we got married last year. Hubby wasn't. He wanted to save up a little more cash and in hindsight, I'm glad we've had this past year to prepare. Waiting a year or two for your husband to be on the same page really isn't the worst thing in the world. You guys are in this together and for the long haul!

llsst31 · October 2013

I know this is all good advice.....and I don't think it is no all together, but he doesn't talk about things until he is ready, that is difficult for me. The comparison to a wedding is just because I hate being chewed out on here, or having the issue that I'm NOT asking about discussed. I guess I just wish we were on the same page.....I've thought about it since we got married....now I think I feel my biological clock ticking.....I'm 33.

dogperson11 · October 2013

llsst31 said:
I guess I just wish we were on the same page.....I've thought about it since we got married....now I think I feel my biological clock ticking.....I'm 33.

When my husband and I first got married we had decided we didn't want kids for several years. Long story short, I ended up wanting kids a lot sooner than he did and he ended up changing his career path which led him back to four years in school. It took me a really long time to get over the fact that we needed to wait for him to be done with school to have children. I was really resentful about it because I felt like I didn't get a say in it at all. I can completely empathize with feeling like you're not on the same page and I know how frustrating that is. As time passed and our friends started families my husband saw the joy that they experienced with their children. We discussed it last Christmas and made a timeline. We set down goals, both financial and personal, and now that we've met most of those goals were actively trying. I know it takes time and patience and that's really hard when you feel so eager about it. Just wanted to say you're not alone in this. It is hard to wait, but it's totally worth it :-)

Belou52579 · October 2013

This was a very familiar situation for me! I think the biggest hurdle is finding out if he EVER wants kids or if this is just bad timing to start trying. At 34, I understand the whole biological clock thing. This is going to be a difficult conversation to bring up again for you, I'm sure. I hope he comes around and at least gives you a time line and sticks with it....good luck : )

llsst31 · October 2013

:-) I'd be fine with a timeline and just having a productive conversation.

obxlaurak · October 2013

Good luck! I get the biological clock thing. My hubby would love it if we were in the most perfect financial situation ever, but that will be when we are like, 40+. And even though it's possible, I'd much rather have my babies before then. He finally realizes that we're not getting any younger and even though we're not 100% where he'd like us to be, we're in good shape and now is the time.

I hope the conversation goes well!

hu11aba1oo2 · November 2013

I'm 33 as well and am having this same exact issue. We just got married in September, but been together for 3 years. Up until June of this year, we were planning on starting a family together. DH has a child and a previous marriage as a result of said child. Then in June, I got pregnant on accident. He was soooo excited he couldn't wait to tell the family and his best friend. Well, 5 days later, I had a MC. All of a sudden, he wasn't sure he wanted more children. They are costly, a hassle, he likes our lives the way they are, he doesn't want to be the neglected husband, etc. I was PISSED! He even asked me if this was a deal breaker for me and I wanted out of the engagement. We have made major decisions (job, rehoming pets, returning to school, etc) based on the idea that we would start a family. We had even already discussed when we would start trying, his words verbatim when I asked him when he thought we should start trying, "September 29th!" Our wedding night.

Not only was I dealing with the heartbreak of a MC, but also that perhaps I had lost my one and only chance to have a baby. Everytime the subject comes up, I cry. I can't talk about it with him at all without crying. On our honeymoon, he told me he wanted to make a baby and we tried, but alas AF showed up shortly after we got back. He told me he just wanted me to be happy.

I think part of the reason he has decided to "let me" have a baby, is the list. I made a list of all the reasons I wanted a baby with him. I also let him know, it is not fair to deny me something that he already has. I showed him the picture of him holding her up just after birth with a huge smile on his face and said, "You are denying me this joy and you are denying me the opportunity to give you this joy." I also told him I felt lied to and deceived, as he was totally on board the entire time we were dating/engaged and most of the major decisions were his idea based on starting a family.

I don't know that we will have more than one, but I would be thankful just for the one at this point. Being a Stepmom just isn't the same as being a Mom. It doesn't help that like literally we know 10 friends that have either just had a baby or are about to have one (including his psycho ex-wife, that one really pisses me off, she isn't even with the baby daddy!)

Writing stuff down helped me to talk to DH about it because it kept me from getting overly emotional, helped me to stay reasonable and discuss things instead of just throwing a temper tantrum. I do like this advice though:

JemmaWRX said:

My husband initially said yes to TTC in December. Then things didn't go the way he had hoped at work (he's on commission) so the conversation has been tabled for now. It's a really big decision. It's a lifelong commitment. Much more important than big wedding vs. small so that analogy doesn't really apply, you know? If it's a firm "no" you need to respect that. But you wouldn't be out of line to ask for a time table. "So now is not a good time. What are you wanting to achieve in the meantime? When do you think you will be ready and under what circumstances will you feel prepared?" Then take it from there. If it's financial goals start working together to achieve them. If he's not ready to give up his freedom make a baby bucket list! Just work with him and give him time to come around. You both have to be on board. Good luck!

I just have to keep reminding myself, I married DH because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, NOT because he can make me a baby!

Good Luck!

flamingo& · November 2013

I know how you feel. Most of the time, women are ready before men are, it's just how we are wired. I just don't think it's real to them until they hold that baby in their arms for the first time. I knew I wanted to have kids, but when we first got married we were soooo young and didn't have two pennies to rub together. I really wanted kids, but I had enough sense to know that it wasn't a good time to start. We always said we wanted to start 2-5 years after we got married. But after 2 years, we weren't ready. We started TTC a couple months before our 6th anniversary this year. We finally had good jobs, health insurance, and were planning to buy a house. We were MUCH more stable at 6 years than 2, or even 5.

Sometimes I wonder how much DH is on board. I mean, we both have agreed to it, but sometimes he seems like he's just not as into it as I am. He says over and over again he's not in a hurry, but baby fever has hit me HARD. But then sometimes he's really cute and talks about when we have kids. Last month I had a chemical pregnancy and I never felt such a roller coaster of emotions before...from utter happiness to pure despair. I hope it won't be long before we get a rainbow, because maybe he can wait but I CAN'T. When I was pregnant, he was so excited, but also worried about it...it is a life changing event after all.

Anyway, I guess what I was saying is that we had certain goals that we wanted to meet before we decided to have kids. Mostly financial. But I think being older and more mature helps too...though sometimes I still feel like a teenager and wonder what in the heck I'm doing. :P

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