Quick Intro and Question (Working Mom-to-Be w/ a Stressful Job)

Re: Quick Intro and Question (Working Mom-to-Be w/ a Stressful Job)

• Iblamethebeer member

  October 2013

  A lot of us are able to leave work at a decent hour, get some baby time (even if monitoring a blackberry) and then log back in at night.  Is that an option for you?

  
  

  Whenever possible, I try to do a few really late nights rather than a bunch of getting-home-right-after-bedtime nights.  So like if I have to work past 8pm and I've already missed bedtime, I try to stay at the office until 11 so that I don't need to stay until 8 the next night.  It doesn't always work out, but it often does.

  
  

  As far as weekend work, I can usually do it from home and have flexibility on when I do it, so I try to carve out a specific block of time that overlaps with kids sleeping.  6 am Saturday until 10 am, for example.  Or have DH do bedtime so I can work 7:30 pm until late night.  

  

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• PSU_Texan member

  October 2013

  Will you have any options to shift hours when you return to work?  I have a demanding job but they don't care when I get the work done as long as I meet deadlines and execute.  I work the core hours of 8-5 (flex a little early/little late as needed).  Then I spend time with my kids over dinner, bath, bed time.  Then I log back on as needed.  You might want to think through how to make something like this work.  I would use this opportunity to negotiate.  Women are forever missing opportunities to negotiate.  Make sure it comes from a place of "I'm committed to doing a great job, and here is how we can work together to make that happen."

  Also, I just want to assure you that it gets easier as the kids get older.  Yes, you may miss time with them when they are younger b/c they sleep so much.  But they will start staying up later and you will get the time.  Make sure to maximize the time you do have with them.  It's quality not quantity.

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• emberlee3 member

  October 2013

  I had DS during my medical residency. I worked 80 hrs per week. It was ok with a baby because we could bed share to spend more time together. It became difficult when he was a toddler. I am finished with training but I still struggle with having enough time with my kids. DS is now 4 and DD is 16 months. I guess DS would qualify as "high needs." He just has a really hard time when I work a lot.

  DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  

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• BlissfulBlessed member

  October 2013

  Thanks so much for your replies, ladies.

  
  

  @Iblamethebeer - On Fridays, I should generally be able to leave at a decent hour, and I can definitely try to have specific late nights. I try to have specific late nights now, but find it difficult to focus sometimes; maybe it will be easier when 3rd trimester issues are no longer a problem (says the mom-to-be who has yet to experience the exhaustion, etc., that comes along with being a new mother ;-) ). I can also try to time my weekend work around the baby's sleeping hours (as I can also work from home and have flexibility with timing for weekend work). 

  
  

  @PSU_Texan - The nature of my job leads me to believe that I won't be able to shift hours, but it's worth a try. And thank you for the reassurance. I will definitely try my hardest to maximize the time I actually do have with the baby; I agree that quality is more important than quantity.

  

  
  

  
  

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• BlissfulBlessed member

  October 2013

  @emberlee3 - That's what makes me nervous. :-( Have you found anything to be helpful in lessening the impact of your working hours on your DS?

  

  
  

  
  

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• sidey1 member

  October 2013

  All good advice above, also agree that having a fully supportive DH is very important and gives you more quality time with the baby. I was going for biweekly NTS monitoring for the entire 3rd tri, and at that point you have to do what you have to do, I did stay connected during those appts but don't stress yourself out about needing to take that time away from work, you have a temporary medical condition and you need to take care of yourself right now.

  Now I get up much earlier to spend time with DS before DH takes him to daycare even if he's not up yet, I'll get ready for work so that when he does get up we can at least get a 1/2 to an hour together. I get home and do play, bath, bottle and bed and don't check in to work again until DS is asleep and that helps me get more quality time. I've found my co-workers have naturally adjusted to this schedule as well and know I'll be offline at certain times, it has not impacted things at work at all because I still get things done.
  

  It still can get overwhelming sometimes, but DS knows and loves his mommy and doesn't seem worse for it and even better has a great bond with daddy. I too posted here prior to birth about my work schedule and as the ladies suggested it all works out somehow and isn't as bad as you think it will be.

          <img src=http://flic.kr/p/hi2aWe width="150px">
  

  Me 43 DH 48 Not actively ttc, surprise BFP on 1/6/11! 4/1/11 m/c our sunshine at 16wks after complications from CVS test.  *5th cycle after loss 12/6/11 BFP! Missed m/c at 9 weeks 1/21/12, trisomy 14. Two Chemical PG 3/12&7/12
  ** BFP 8/16/12 beta #1 148! beta#2 407 beta #3 4000 u/s 9.10 1 lovely hb 126, Baby Boy born 5/6/2013!

  TTC #2, bpf 1/15/15 Baby Girl due Oct 1! She's here, 9/26/2015! 

   

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• djm31012 member

  October 2013

  i am out of my  house 65 hrs per week...so i see DS for about an hour each night (sometimes more, sometimes less).  Its hard. I am lucky that there are no weekend obligations...but my days still feel long not seeing him. Its not easy but it does get easier. Maybe you can talk to your boss about working something out. For me there is no option for part time or work from home...but maybe like others have said you can work 3 days a week really late and 2 days make sure you are home for bath/bed. Or come in at like 6am (not sure what time u are in now) and leave earlier and work after bed time. I would talk to your boss about options for switching around hrs if possible and go from there. Dont panic yet...see what you are working with.

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• traveltheworld member

  October 2013

  I second everyone else.  I used to work very long hours and respond all the time to emails and would work almost anytime of any day.  During my pregnancy, I made a conscious effort of not responding to emails from 5 - 8 p.m. on weeknights and from 9 - 11:30 a.m. on weekend mornings unless it's an absolute emergency.  I wanted to let my clients and the partners at my firm get used to that schedule because I expected those are the times I would focus solely on spending time with DS.  That's what I do now.  I log on early in the mornings and after DS goes to bed to get my work done.  DH also helps out a LOT.  Since he has the less stressful and time-consuming job, he handles most of the household stuff.  We have a cleaning lady and most of our laundry is done via a "drop off at your front door" service. Also I should mention that you should try and build in a bit of time for yourself as well. Every Saturday morning, I go get myself a cofee at Starbucks, take 15 minutes to flip through a magazine, and mentally "re-group" before I head home to spend time with DS.  I find I'm MUCH happier that way, and he gets a mom that's fully engaged (and caffinated! )

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• BlissfulBlessed member

  October 2013

  You ladies are amazing! Hearing your words of wisdom already makes me feel better about my situation.

  
  

  My DH is supportive and takes on a lot of housework/responsibilities, but I think that I get annoyed sometimes that he doesn't just know what I want/need him to do. In some respects he does, but I need to commit to being more specific with what help and support I need from him.

  
  

  @mal922 - Although I like what I do, I honestly don't just love my current job/position, so I understand where you are coming from there.  I do think that makes it harder at times where I feel like I'm not personally invested in anything I'm doing and would rather just shut down the computer and go spend time with my family.  I don't plan to be at this particular job in the long-term, so I try to focus on where my current position fits into our long-term career/financial strategy when I start to feel down about it. 

  I appreciate all of your advice, and this part really resonated with me. This will help me to keep my mindset and perspective in check.

  
  

  @ SandsAndsSea - If you don't love your job, have you considered looking for another one that may give you more flexibility and more reasonable hours?  If your bosses are unwilling to budge on your hours or get another person to help, as it seems like you're already doing more than full time hours, then I would start looking as I think it would be really hard long term.

  I am looking (but casually, since I wouldn't want to have to negotiate maternity leave with a new job; although maybe that's not the right attitude to have toward things). I think my capacity to stay on at this job would be dependent upon how flexible they can be after my return from maternity leave. And, to your other point, people I know (new and "newish" moms) have also said that my hours, as they are now, won't be sustainable in the long term. 

  
  

  Again, you ladies are amazing. Thank you all for your words of wisdom, advice, and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know. :-)

  

  
  

  
  

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• emberlee3 member

  October 2013

  BlissfulBlessed said:

  @emberlee3 - That's what makes me nervous. :-( Have you found anything to be helpful in lessening the impact of your working hours on your DS?

  I try to plan one-on-one time with him whenever possible.  DS and I have some special hobbies together--he likes to help me cook and garden.  I am not sure if it's an age thing or if it's just that DD is more easy-going than DS, but she seems to handle my schedule variations a little better than he does.
  
  As far as your concerns about having a mentally stressful job, I found that I handled things better after the babies were born than during pregnancy.  Maybe because pregnancy hormones made me a miserable mess?  It only becomes an issue these days if I am very sleep deprived.  I have learned that at a certain point, I have to hand things over to DH so I can sleep.  I take care of very sick patients at work, so I have to be able to function.
  

  DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  

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• nosoup4u member

  October 2013

  I haven't read the replies, but it sounds like looking for a new job might be your best bet. Have you thought about looking after your baby is born?
  
  I was a SAHM when my kids were babies, but pregnancy exhaustion seemed worse than tired new mom exhaustion. Motherhood is a state in which you just have to make stuff work, you're tired a lot, etc. You'll figure it out, but maybe finding a less stressful job would help long-term.

  DS1 - Feb 2008

  DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

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• shannm member

  October 2013

  I think all of the suggestions and advice from PP were great.  

  
  

  I will add that you may want to consider adjusting your work expectations.  It is hard for me to say what you can and can't do in terms of adjusting work goals without knowing your exact situation but I have found that often times, we put more pressure on ourselves and could probably get away with doing a little bit less.  

  
  

  I recently asked my workaholic BIL what would happen if he left the office before 7.  He said it was impossible.  I said, no really, what exactly would happen if you turned off your computer at 5pm?  Would you miss a deadline, would something not be submitted on time, would you not have enough billable hours.......he scoffed and said, if I only had to work till 5, I might as well have stayed home (yeah cause a 10 hour day is such a short one!).  Sooo.....to me, his vague answer suggests that if push came to shove, he probably could adjust his work patterns....

  
  

  I know that I ALWAYS have more that I could do and after having kids, I had to readjust and fit everything I could into shorter days and then what didn't fit, had to be scheduled at another time.  It is hard, it takes me longer to complete things but after years of doing it that way, my career has not suffered and I have had time to take care of my kids and myself.

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• jschmidt6 member

  October 2013

  Be sure to keep some vacation days (don't use them all on maternity leave) for when you just need to spend time with your LO. Some times you need a mental health day! The other day I took a half a day off because I just missed him and I wanted to run some errands. Also, if you are able to, try to get as much done on your lunch break as possible. I grocery shop at lunch and store the perishables in our work fridge. That way I don't have to stop when I'm on the way home with DS. 

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• BlissfulBlessed member

  October 2013

  Thanks for keeping the advice coming, ladies! Really helpful info!

  

  
  

  
  

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• Divallyn member

  October 2013

  Each mom is comfortable with this situation to a certain level and you will find out what you are comfortable with as well. My job isn't demanding that much but my shift was 9:30-6:00 which would only live me with a hour of awake time once I got home. Now I stayed home for the first 10 months (Canada) but after six weeks of being back I couldn't do it anymore even if weekends were 100% family time. My company is not flexible at all in regards to work hours but I still told them it wasn't working for me I needed a earlier shift. Daycares here strongly encourage a max of 9 hours a day as anything over that is considered too much especially in the first 3 years. After telling my company daycare policy and they changed my shift to 7:30-4:00 I love working and being a mom but I still need to see my kid during the work week!!

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