Working Dad staying up with the baby, living with her and her parents.

dalmacstar · October 2013

Me and my girlfriend conceived about a month into our relationship, obviously by accident, and just a few days ago marked our one year anniversary. Right now, I work full time and I just got hired for another part time job, which means in 2 weeks, I'll be working about 60-70 hours every week. Which is fine, I'm a hard worker.

My problem though comes in when I'm expected to stay up all night with the baby, and live with her at her parents house. (Parents who commonly refer to me as 'piece of shit', and other demeaning things. Because, to them, I can't do anything right.) At her parents house, I have my work clothes, three or four shorts and shirts, my laptop, and my desktop computer. Everything else of my possession is left at my grandfather's house, where I lived and took care of him during his old age before my partner asked me to live here. Now he lives by himself and no one takes care of him, and I feel terrible for that. For the most part, when her parents see me using my computers they give me grotesque looks and gripe at my partner; they hate computers, and I'm a nerd. I don't have a desk, so I have to find bizarre and creative ways to use my desktop, which usually are uncomfortable and render the computer virtually unusable. Computers, superheroes, music, and Star Trek, are my main interests and all four of them are considered childish and immature by her folks. So, pretty much, when I'm home I'm taking care of the baby, trying to cheer up my stressed out partner, or (90% of the time) staring at the wall while everyone else watches IQ dropping television shows. (On the 55inch television that, you guessed it, I brought from my house.)

Her life is just as rough to be fair. She doesn't have a job, but she is at home with the baby while her parents are home more than I am. I've found that time with baby is quite easy, it's her parents that are hard. Typically when the baby cries, my future mother in law rushes in to 'save the day'. She's very... invasive. The best description of her behavior is a rude, loudmouthed, overprotective parent, telling the babysitter (my partner and I) everything that's expected of us while she's gone... and then she never leaves.

I'd also like to point out before we continue that I've asked her about moving into my grandpa's house and she is openly and extremely against the idea, so much as the slightest hint about it leaves her completely distraught and intensely aggravated. She claims that she would be 'intruding' and that my grandpa's house is 'not made for kids'. Both of which are completely untrue, but I guess her mind was pretty much set after her mother threatened to call CPS on us if we ever decided to leave for another relative. I was also going to move to my grandpa's by myself and drive to watch the baby at nights so everyone else could sleep, but she started to get ill and ever since then, I've been staying here taking care of her.

We've also been saving up so we could move out, but it's been only me paying both of our expenses from a Pizza Hut salary so we haven't gotten very far.

Now that I've wasted enough of your time, I'll just ask if you guys think that I'm doing the right thing here or if there's anything that I can do better. Also, if this is common for young dads. So far, every time I ask a friend or family what to do, the only thing they can say is, "That's a terrible situation."

I would just love to hear your input on the matter, and some meaningful advice. Thanks!

Mrodriguez898 · October 2013

I am so sorry for the troubling times you are going through. It really sounds horrible.
Ultimately, your child is who is going to suffer if they stay around such a negative environment. It's not fair neither to you, your partner or child to have to live under such conditions. maybe she should grow up and try to et a job herself and have her mother (who seems to butt in so much anyway) take care of the child in the meantime.
It really is hard to give advice as I've never been in that situation, but I really wish the best for all of you

Wulfgar · October 2013

Your story reminds me a lot of watching Teen Mom where some of the parents think they know better then the teen mom. I don't know your ages, which doesn't matter at this time. I would see if you can't get into a trade school or get an Associate degree running or maintaining manufacturing machinery so that you can get a better income flow.

It is harder now with the kid, and since you are the main one working, you should not be staying up all night taking care of the child.

I would also look at moving out and if her parents call CPS on you and your partner explain with documentation all that has been going on so that they will see it is a false call.

gettinNone · October 2013

dalmacstar said:
Me and my girlfriend conceived about a month into our relationship, obviously by accident, and just a few days ago marked our one year anniversary. Right now, I work full time and I just got hired for another part time job, which means in 2 weeks, I'll be working about 60-70 hours every week. Which is fine, I'm a hard worker.

My problem though comes in when I'm expected to stay up all night with the baby, and live with her at her parents house. (Parents who commonly refer to me as 'piece of shit', and other demeaning things. Because, to them, I can't do anything right.) At her parents house, I have my work clothes, three or four shorts and shirts, my laptop, and my desktop computer. Everything else of my possession is left at my grandfather's house, where I lived and took care of him during his old age before my partner asked me to live here. Now he lives by himself and no one takes care of him, and I feel terrible for that. For the most part, when her parents see me using my computers they give me grotesque looks and gripe at my partner; they hate computers, and I'm a nerd. I don't have a desk, so I have to find bizarre and creative ways to use my desktop, which usually are uncomfortable and render the computer virtually unusable. Computers, superheroes, music, and Star Trek, are my main interests and all four of them are considered childish and immature by her folks. So, pretty much, when I'm home I'm taking care of the baby, trying to cheer up my stressed out partner, or (90% of the time) staring at the wall while everyone else watches IQ dropping television shows. (On the 55inch television that, you guessed it, I brought from my house.)

Her life is just as rough to be fair. She doesn't have a job, but she is at home with the baby while her parents are home more than I am. I've found that time with baby is quite easy, it's her parents that are hard. Typically when the baby cries, my future mother in law rushes in to 'save the day'. She's very... invasive. The best description of her behavior is a rude, loudmouthed, overprotective parent, telling the babysitter (my partner and I) everything that's expected of us while she's gone... and then she never leaves.

I'd also like to point out before we continue that I've asked her about moving into my grandpa's house and she is openly and extremely against the idea, so much as the slightest hint about it leaves her completely distraught and intensely aggravated. She claims that she would be 'intruding' and that my grandpa's house is 'not made for kids'. Both of which are completely untrue, but I guess her mind was pretty much set after her mother threatened to call CPS on us if we ever decided to leave for another relative. I was also going to move to my grandpa's by myself and drive to watch the baby at nights so everyone else could sleep, but she started to get ill and ever since then, I've been staying here taking care of her.

We've also been saving up so we could move out, but it's been only me paying both of our expenses from a Pizza Hut salary so we haven't gotten very far.

Now that I've wasted enough of your time, I'll just ask if you guys think that I'm doing the right thing here or if there's anything that I can do better. Also, if this is common for young dads. So far, every time I ask a friend or family what to do, the only thing they can say is, "That's a terrible situation."

I would just love to hear your input on the matter, and some meaningful advice. Thanks!

First, you guys need to get out of there and move far far away.

Second, if one is working and the other is not (and not in school) it makes sense they just volunteered to be the stay at home parent until they get a job otherwise.

Third....if either of you do not have degrees, work on them and take out as small of a loan as possible. You two are gonna have to be a tram and act like a team to make thing work. nothing is going to be easy, but it can pay off in the end.

Good luck bud!

gettinNone · October 2013

correction. tram -> team

KateLouise · October 2013

The pp gave lots of good advice.

My thoughts lean towards the issue of comunication and working as a team. How does your GF feel about how her parents treat you? Is she aware of it? Is she willing to sacrifice your feelings because they offer her a lot of support when you're at work? Does she find them as intrusive as you do?

I ask because if my in-laws called me a piece of shit, and my DH then threw a tantrum (and she is) when I suggested a different living solution then that would not say a lot for our relationship.

The two of you need to sit down calmly and discuss what's not working with your living situation and what the solutions are. It may be that your GF would like to keep living with her parents so she has their support when you're working long hours. Then that means she needs to stand up for you. Maybe living with her parents is the best short term solution while you build up a "move out" fund.

If you two are in it for the long haul, then you need to start problem solving together, and communicate with each other because her getting all distraught just because you suggest moving in with your Grandad is rubbish. It may be the only way she knows how to communicate, but try and encourage her to really talk out what her issues are.

Also where do the "expectations" that you stay up all night with baby come from? Is it your GF? her parents? all of them? When I've been a SAHM for periods of time, there's been times when on the 5th or 6th time I've gotten up to the baby in one night, I've pushed my DH out of bed to deal with her, but on balance I view overnight parenting as my role because I have all the flexibility during the day. Having said that, DH gets up with the girls early in the morning and I get a little sleep in until he's ready to go to work. So it really is about what works for you as a couple.

I'm saying all of this assuming you're not a "piece of shit." but I am curious to know why her parents think this.

ladyjenna13 · October 2013

You guys need to leave that environment if you ever want to work on your relationship. It is certainly not fair to you, and it seems cruel that your partner would want you to stay in such a toxic place, where you get no support. A relationship can never work out if there are multiple voices chirping in about it.

Hard work is a great attribute. If you are the bread earner, mommy needs to step up and deal with that nighttime drama.

Those two, right there, left unchanged, would be dealbreakers for me. If you guys want to be a family and start working on that, you need to move out, as a family.

Want a personalized experience?

Working Dad staying up with the baby, living with her and her parents.

Re: Working Dad staying up with the baby, living with her and her parents.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards