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Dads & Dads-to-be
starrdiva211
member
Am I cutting my son’s father too much slack?
starrdiva211
member
This is my first time posting on this board so bear with me…<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
This is something that has been on my mind and in my spirit for a long time and I am not sure how to handle the problem.
My son’s father doesn’t really help with too much when it comes to things pertaining to our son. Sometimes, it seems like he doesn’t care. I handle all of my son’s expenses from daycare, to buying the things he needs, to our son being on my insurance and paying the co-pays for all of the doctor visits (my son was born 11 weeks early). When it comes to interacting with our son, it is very little. He is a truck driver so when he comes home, I let him get his rest and take care of things for his business and relax. When I have things I gotta do, I try to rely on a sitter or I just don’t do what I gotta do. He takes care of the little one when he has time or is able to.
Lately the strain on me has been very hard. Trying to cover my portion of the household bills, the daycare bill, my personal bills, buying groceries, going to all of his appointments and therapy visits… it has been too much. But since he is covering the mortgage and a certain household bill, I should be grateful that my son and I have a roof over out head right?
Should he really have a deeper role?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I cutting my son’s father too much slack?
You could try discussing this situation with him, explaining how his actions make you feel and how it affects everyone. He should be at least contributing more financially towards his child, even if he wasn't in the picture, he'd be legally obligated to at least pay.
And you are correct since we are not married it does make it a little bit more complicated. I hate that money seems to be such a stressor. Which is why I dont really bring it up to him because the less stress on him the better (in my thinking).
I have asked him a time or two before to help out a little bit more with the baby or around house and he nods and says oh ok. and it increases a little bit.
We were both in shock when I found out I was pregnant but over the moon once everything sunk in. I think with my pregnancy being high risk and my son coming 11 weeks early, the expectations changed and the reality set in and we just handled it different in our own way...
But I thank everyone for responding.
My parents had a similar thing going.
As always, I come here on this type of thread and focus entirely on the money. Because, at the end of the day, money is really the most important thing in any given household, but even more so with kids. Kids do not ask to come into this world, and when they do, money does not concern them. It is not their job to worry about money, but it is certainly their job to spend our money!!!! They are expensive little creatures, for sure, and any household, married or not, needs to be prepared for that reality
You guys are not married. That is a situation that will always be there for all of you, unless the two of you do get married some day. That happens. I have family that got pregnant, and did not get married until the child was almost three. That, however, is not the norm.
With that said, your obligations to your child are different than the father's obligation. As harsh as this may sound, he can leave whenever he wants to, free of his child. You, as the mother, will always have that responsibility...you cannot leave. That fact alone should be enough for you to want to do everything you can to protect that child, and make sure that the father is held accountable, legally, for his child. Being married eliminates all of that, because there are legal strings behind my marriage, and behind my being a parent sharing a household with my wife, who is our son's other parent. You do not have any of that legal protection that a marriage would provide you and your family.
Is the father on the birth certificate?? Does the child have his last name?? Legally, if the father is named on the BC, that father is obligated to provide financial support for all needs of tha child, including housing, food, clothing, education, transportation, etc...
Having a lawyer look over all that, and make sure that the father understands his legal obligations to that child, is critical.
I, personally, have a problem with any man who father's a child thinking that he can pick and choose how he can support that child. I could care less if the mortage is getting paid if he is not getting diapers, or running to dr. appointments, you know, being a dad. Paying the mortage is only one bill in the enitire spectrum of child costs. To me, it sounds like this guy wants to keep his independent freedom intact. So he pays the mortage....big deal!!!!! Sounds like you are paying for everything else, and that is not being the best father he can be.
Money is always a stressor in a household. There is no way around that. My wife and I do well and we still scratch our head over all the money that leaves the house in bills, or just regular day to day living. Being married takes a little of that stress away, because it is communal property at that point. I never even see my check anymore, and I never spend big sums of money without talking to my wife about it, or her me. I do not know how a household, with kids, works with seperate accounts and seperate financial responsibilities. My money is mine, and your money is yours??? Seems backwards to me, when both parents should be focused on money for the household.
You guys will have to come to terms with that, and start living as one, combined household, if you want any chance at success. Families are milieu in nature, and require communication and committment across the board. Living speperate lives, within one household, will destroy that household eventually. Again, your only loyalty is to your child in such an environment, so you have to make sure your child is protected and supported legally.
I hope that this insight helps. I try to be objective, even though it sounds like I am assigning you to failure by stating you should protect yourself and your child. But as a parent, my child's welfare is the most important thing to me. And as much as my marriage means to me, my child is always first in my heart. You need to look at this through the eyes of your child and his needs.