Sensitive question about shower gifts and miscarriage

Paradisemoon · October 2013

Please understand that I do not intend this question to be cold or insensitive. I have suffered losses before and I know the heart ache.
My cousin came home for her dad's birthday at the beginning of the year. She was around 15 - 18 weeks pg. She wouldn't have been able to come back because of financial constraints so her mom and sister threw her an early shower. And we even footed the bill to ship all the big item across the country. It was huge and she made out like a bandit. Well, when she got home it came to pass that she suffered a miscarriage. About a month later her sister confided in me that said cousin returned all the gifts and used the cash towards the down payment of a new car. And if that is not bad enough she got pregnant again almost immediately and is coming home for Christmas as big as a house and her mother is throwing her another shower. I feel terrible that she had a loss, I really do, but gosh I feel used. I thought of the possibility that she returned the gifts because they were "meant" for the baby she lost but she didn't return any of the gifts or the money back to the gift givers. I don't think it would bother me so much if she maybe put the money in an account for the next baby or even used the money for the lost babies funeral. But she didn't.
With that said, I'm happy for her and her husband that they are having a healthy baby and I wont not gift this baby with something after it is born.
What is the etiquette for this? Should she have returned the money,or was she right to pocket the money for her personal use, or should she have kept all the gifts knowing she'd be trying for another baby?

SingleMom31 · October 2013

Personally, if I knew that we'd be trying again, I'd have kept the gifts and just put them away in a spare closet for the time being (so that I wouldn't have to see them until I was ready). I don't think there is widely agreed upon etiquette for this situation - at least not like there is for bridal shower gifts in cases where the wedding doesn't happen.

I kind of agree with feeling a bit used. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but it seems like a very short sighted response. If I were you, I would just get something sprinkle-like like an outfit or two, rather than another large gift.

RibbitGrl930 · October 2013

I'm on the fence about the second shower. I think second showers for moms whose first pregnancy ended in loss are a case-by-case basis. I can understand how you may feel "used," but the showers for FTMs rule isn't so black and white here.

As for the first shower gifts, I'm of the mind that it really shouldn't matter how she treated the gifts. Would it have been nice for her to have ofered to return the gifts to the givers? Sure...but she was probably in a place in which it was too painful to look at all the baby items and maybe buying a new car was a way for her to do something for herself after suffering a loss. The gifts were given to her. It's her business to do with them as she pleases.

laurakaz13 · October 2013

Interesting question. I guess I would say that she has officially had her first and only shower, and I would not go to her second shower. I would probably just send a small gift like diapers or some onesies if I had already sent her a larger gift the first time.

PrimRoseMama · October 2013

After the gifts are given to the guest of honor then it is entirely her business what she chooses to do with them. I am very sorry for her loss. Having been where she is (2nd Trimester loss) I can see putting the $ elsewhere into something more useful & not as painful.

I would still attend a shower & gift normally for a PGAL woman. Loss is beyond their control. So, it's not like they are hitting folks up for gifts like others may be seen doing.

I'm sorry you feel used, but I can promise this whole thing is not about the guests (you) as much as a grieving woman negotiating loss.

PunkyBooster · October 2013

I agree with single mom except, honestly? I wouldn't buy her another gift until after the baby is born (if you so choose to get one, which you are not obligated to do).

Paradisemoon · October 2013

RibbitGrl930 said:

I'm on the fence about the second shower. I think second showers for moms whose first pregnancy ended in loss are a case-by-case basis. I can understand how you may feel "used," but the showers for FTMs rule isn't so black and white here.

As for the first shower gifts, I'm of the mind that it really shouldn't matter how she treated the gifts. Would it have been nice for her to have ofered to return the gifts to the givers? Sure...but she was probably in a place in which it was too painful to look at all the baby items and maybe buying a new car was a way for her to do something for herself after suffering a loss. The gifts were given to her. It's her business to do with them as she pleases.

I understand the concept of the baby things being too hard to look at but my last thought on earth would have been, I lost a baby a month ago let me go do something for myself and buy a new car with the money. Everyone has different ways to grieve but that is a little hard for me to swallow.

Paradisemoon · October 2013

PunkyBooster said:

I agree with single mom except, honestly? I wouldn't buy her another gift until after the baby is born (if you so choose to get one, which you are not obligated to do).

I will be waiting until after the baby is born although my cousin, the sister to the MTB, said you better have it personalized so she can't return it. Can you smell the disapproval? I sure can.

kinarlva · October 2013

laurakaz13 said:

Interesting question. I guess I would say that she has officially had her first and only shower, and I would not go to her second shower. I would probably just send a small gift like diapers or some onesies if I had already sent her a larger gift the first time.

I agree with this. She should have saved everything from the first shower.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

I'm sorry but this sits wrong w me too. She doesn't get a full shower again and ask the same people to stock her up AGAIN. I'd give a small gift after the baby is born. I wouldn't be attending the shower. If she had returned the gifts to the givers, I'd feel differently. But cashing in, spending the money, and then expecting another shower - nope.

It's horrible that she suffered a loss, but that doesn't give her the right to spend people's money over and over and over.

74dragonfly · October 2013

I feel very bad for her loss. I had two losses myself. I'm happy she is expecting. That being said I too think it is in poor taste to have another huge shower asking for the same things she got earlier this year. I'd buy her a small gift.

FemShep · October 2013

KKDRAGONFLY said:

I feel very bad for her loss. I had two losses myself. I'm happy she is expecting. That being said I too think it is in poor taste to have another huge shower asking for the same things she got earlier this year. I'd buy her a small gift.

Yes, this.

Paradisemoon · October 2013

somerandomchick said:

RibbitGrl930 said:

I'm on the fence about the second shower. I think second showers for moms whose first pregnancy ended in loss are a case-by-case basis. I can understand how you may feel "used," but the showers for FTMs rule isn't so black and white here.

As for the first shower gifts, I'm of the mind that it really shouldn't matter how she treated the gifts. Would it have been nice for her to have ofered to return the gifts to the givers? Sure...but she was probably in a place in which it was too painful to look at all the baby items and maybe buying a new car was a way for her to do something for herself after suffering a loss. The gifts were given to her. It's her business to do with them as she pleases.

I understand the concept of the baby things being too hard to look at but my last thought on earth would have been, I lost a baby a month ago let me go do something for myself and buy a new car with the money. Everyone has different ways to grieve but that is a little hard for me to swallow.
As somebody who hasn't gone through loss, I have no idea what my first or last thought would be in that situation. Don't pretend like you know what its like or how you would think or feel.

In my second sentence, I stated that I have suffered a loss and I know the heart ache. I'm not pretending to know what it's like. The guilt, the anger, the feeling of being a failure as a woman. The big gaping hole in your soul that threatens to swallow you up while you ask "what did I do wrong" Maybe you just read the first sentence and skipped to the comments.

Michelle N · October 2013

I wouldn't even let on I knew she didn't have the things she was given for her first shower. I'd just give something small.

MMason12 · October 2013

I have also experienced a loss, and even though it was earlier than her DH and I had already received some gifts from people. Those gifts are sitting in our LO's room for when we begin to ttc again.

I would agree with you and with PP who have said that it doesn't sit well that she knew she was going ttc again, returned all the gifts, used the money for something else and now is having an other shower. I personally think she had her shower and like other PP have said, once the gifts are given to her it is her choice what to do with those gifts. Experiencing a loss is completely heartbreaking and each person deals with the heartbreak in a different way. She choose to return all the gifts and spend the money elsewhere. Just because she is pregnant again does not mean you have to buy her an other large gift. That's a big reason why showers are usually not done until later in a pregnancy.

I would feel so guilty returning people's gift, turning it into money, and using it to buy a car -- specially if I knew we were going ttc again.

If I got invited to another shower for her, I would buy her one small outfit or get her a box of diapers. That's it. Even after the baby is born I wouldn't spend more than $20 or so.

sschwege · October 2013

I think what she chose to do with the gifts was up to her. I wouldn't like to think my gift turned into a down payment for a car, but that's the way it goes I guess.

I think in a case like this if I was invited to a shower again I would purchase something small and call it a day. I typically bring a gift when I meet the baby for the first time, so I think I would look at it like that, here's the 'welcome to the world baby gift' a little early.

RebeccaY1 · October 2013

It depends upon whether or not the mother was intending to try again. Since I live very far away from family and friends, I probably wouldn't return the gifts. I would just put the gifts away until the next baby was born. Any cash gifts I would have already used to purchase big ticket items (crib, stroller, etc.).

I wouldn't expect a big shower for the next baby though. Perhaps a smaller sprinkle with books or diapers, but nothing more.

jencnh · October 2013

Although it may be up to her as to what she did with the gifts, you can look at it as now being up to you as to what you get her this time around. I agree in going with a small gift. If the gifts were too hard to look at, the money could have been put away to buy new items for this baby...AND if she instead used it for a down payment on a car, then she should not have told anyone that and when offered this shower just declined and they could have then replaced that money and bought their own stuff. It certainly would have looked less bad!

normandyn7 · October 2013

Sensitive subject for sure. I agree with everyone else in the aspect that if I went to her second shower I would just get something small. To me, once someone gives someone a gift it's up to that person as to what to do with it. I can understand that maybe it was too painful to see the baby stuff around but if I received a big item and I knew I was going to try to have another baby eventually I would want to keep the items and just store them away somewhere. Since she returned it to get a new car then it should be up to her to by what she returned again. Hopefully she isn't expecting you all to get those items for her again.

Elsa1984 · November 2013

I would buy a small gift and wish them a warm congratulations

Stina2012 · November 2013

If wonder where she returned them for cash. Buy Buy Baby only gave me store credit. So the story you're hearing may not be accurate. Regardless of the story I would not buy a big item again. I'd treat it like it is, a second child, and would gift something smaller. (Not that showers for second babies are the norm in my circle but I'd likely buy a gift without a shower for a second child).

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