SD's self esteem = 0 again. WTG BM

Pamelacake · October 2013

And I have no idea what to do! I can usually help SD.. somewhat at home, but she isn't coming out of it easily this time. She comes home from school crying every day. She says the other kids are mean to her, I know why the other kids are mean to her, it's because of her attitude towards everyone else. She is taking her anger out on them. SD did the same thing last year and always cried about only having one friend.

One of her counselors goes to the school twice a week to work with her. She has called me three times this week. SD doesn't really have a behavior problem or anything. This counselor is working with SD on coping skills.

I told SD to tell BM how she feels, her response "I don't want her to be mean to me, I don't want her to yell at me". SD has done this before on her own and BM accused DH and I of telling SD what to say. SD started to tell BM last night, she was very hesitant, BM was extremely rude to SD and BM changed the subject to what do you want for Christmas. Every time SD's are talking about something that BM doesn't approve of, She talks about buying them things but never follows through with any of it. Every single conversation... if they aren't answering her questions about our home she talks about buying them things or what she has bought for them.

If I would have heard what BM was saying to SD and about SD to 5yo SD when she was here, I probably would have had that sloppy chameleon on the ground. I am so sick of dealing with watching BM hurt these girls and not being able to do anything about it. and I am po'd at the attorney. He's getting a visit today. I do not want to watch this crap anymore.. it seriously needs to be done by a professional.

There really is no talking to BM but if she does show up this weekend, I will talk with her before the girls are brought out, I will still be super nice but she is going to know that I know what she said and that will be the reason for me sitting right beside her and she WILL NOT fucking MOVE or I will end the visit.

The two she has come to could have been justifiably ended and should have been.. I didn't know this, The first one.. We could have made her leave as soon as she got here, we could tell she was on something, aside from being 30 minutes late, but the girls ran outside and I didn't want to look like the bad guy... IDGAF about that now, she has hurt them, mainly 7yo enough. BM is hurting 5yo as well but we won't get the backlash from that until later.

I know a little more about what we are allowed to do now and I'm not afraid to do it.

ETA: I will have my hair up and in something... IDK what yet. BM gave SD's the very fun gift of head lice. We know it came from her bc 5yo screeched and got a bug out of BM's hair!

MrsH1027 · October 2013

I don't have any words of advice, but I just wanted to say hang in there! I understand what you're going through. It seems like the hardest thing in the world to feel like you care more about SDs then BM does. It seems exactly opposite of how it should be. Do what's best for your SDs. That's all you can do, and they need you! Good luck!

Pamelacake · October 2013

Thanks.. I'm not sure if I was looking for advice or what... I was at first but my posts always end up longer than I intend. =(

This is just really getting under my skin.

BM doesn't call SD's to talk to them. She calls them b/c it's in the court order so she thinks she has to, so she has been calling more frequently lately.

SueBear · October 2013

I am so sorry you / SD is going through this! Are there any social skills classes offered in your school district? Our schools offered them for kids with a variety of issues (shyness, ADHD, growing up in home where English is not the first language, special needs kids). Also there are group social skills classes offered at the local children's hospital. Can you enroll her in an activity that will have her eet girls in a smaller setting? Girl Scouts, sports, etc. may help build her self esteem.

coopsbaby · October 2013

SueBear said:

I am so sorry you / SD is going through this! Are there any social skills classes offered in your school district? Our schools offered them for kids with a variety of issues (shyness, ADHD, growing up in home where English is not the first language, special needs kids). Also there are group social skills classes offered at the local children's hospital. Can you enroll her in an activity that will have her eet girls in a smaller setting? Girl Scouts, sports, etc. may help build her self esteem.

I agree with both of these suggestions. My 8yo nephew has been taking social skill classes (mostly because of he's on the autism spectrum, but it made him have coping issues which made him lash out at other kids) and it has done wonders for him. And he LOVES going there. They get the classes through their hospital, and he goes twice a week.

Girl Scouts would be great for her too. My girls were both involved in scouts, and there were a few troubled girls in their troops and it was so great for them, helped them make friends in a relaxed environment. Scouts is great for self esteem! Another thought might be 4H.

Good luck, she's lucky to have you looking out for her!

twister22 · October 2013

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, & T&Ps your way for both of your SD's and for you as well. Hopefully BSC BM will be gone soon. Goodness knows that's in both your SDs' best interest.

Pamelacake · October 2013

coopsbaby said:

SueBear said:

I am so sorry you / SD is going through this! Are there any social skills classes offered in your school district? Our schools offered them for kids with a variety of issues (shyness, ADHD, growing up in home where English is not the first language, special needs kids). Also there are group social skills classes offered at the local children's hospital. Can you enroll her in an activity that will have her eet girls in a smaller setting? Girl Scouts, sports, etc. may help build her self esteem.

I agree with both of these suggestions. My 8yo nephew has been taking social skill classes (mostly because of he's on the autism spectrum, but it made him have coping issues which made him lash out at other kids) and it has done wonders for him. And he LOVES going there. They get the classes through their hospital, and he goes twice a week.

Girl Scouts would be great for her too. My girls were both involved in scouts, and there were a few troubled girls in their troops and it was so great for them, helped them make friends in a relaxed environment. Scouts is great for self esteem! Another thought might be 4H.

Good luck, she's lucky to have you looking out for her!

Thanks ladies and I do love these suggestions. Unfortunately we have tried girl scouts and it didn't last long, same scenario "they were all mean to her". We will probably try again in the future b/c I know it is something she would love but we need to work on her first.

4H is an awesome idea. We took her to the 4H fair this summer and she loved it, I got some info on all of the programs they offer besides the animal part and I think some of these could really help her. So when it's time to sign up... I think we will go for it. I need to sit and talk with her about what she would be most interested in doing out of the options they have before that time comes. Thank you for putting that fresh in my mind!

The children's hospital is an hour away but if it's something that I have to do, I'll do it. I was just there yesterday, I wish I would have read this before this morning! I'm sure they have info online though.

I did notice a new art place for kids in our nearest city while there yesterday but didn't have time to stop in as I immediately thought of 7yo. I wish I could do the same for both but it would just be a disaster until we can get this under control. They fight all the time.. 5yo feels that she is superior and 7yo is a burden. I hope to get some info from that place today, She loves art and I'm hoping it isn't too expensive! Another thought I had was music lessons, she doesn't have any specific instruments but I have seen her eying one of my guitars a lot and even caught her playing with the strings on it yesterday. She is always singing in the shower and she sings in her room when she is happy. I think that might help her self esteem but maybe not help so much with her interactions with other kids, so that's not on the top of the list.

The school has a counselor there everyday and SD asked to talk to her almost every day(I found this out from the older kids) That was before she was in regular counseling and she also has the counselor now to go to the school and kind of "hang out' with her twice a week and help her with things going on.

The school counselor called me a lot. She first called to ask what had changed as her self esteem had gone from to through the roof... she then started calling me on almost a weekly basis like we were old friends or something. She is great but can't handle the amount of what SD needs.

Thanks again for the advice and I will definitely be looking into these things!! TODAY!

SueBear · October 2013

Can SD join a children's chorus? School, camp, church? That puts singing in a social setting. My dd has done musical theatre and loved it.

Pamelacake · October 2013

The church we attend doesn't have a choir =(

They do have separate age groups for bible study and that helps her a bit, she loves it but I find that she tends to try to connect with the kids younger than her when they have the group all together.

The school only has a music class, no choir but they do plays and shows. They have one coming up for Veteran's Day that she is extremely excited about and she just told me this morning that she wants to be signed up for the wrestling team, so I'm also looking into that today. She also wants to be a cheerleader and join dance team but she backs out when I take her b/c she says she isn't skinny and pretty like the other girls and it just makes her even more upset. It just kills me b/c these aren't things a 7yo should be thinking about.

I thought of a karate class but don't want her to have any moves that she thinks are ok to use at school, if she does have an outburst there, but they do also teach patience so maybe it would be good.

There are two other churches in our small community so I will check those out to see what they have as far as programs and such for kids. Thank you for that. I would definitely be willing to switch churches if it would help her.

coopsbaby · October 2013

Pamelacake said:

The church we attend doesn't have a choir =(
They do have separate age groups for bible study and that helps her a bit, she loves it but I find that she tends to try to connect with the kids younger than her when they have the group all together.
The school only has a music class, no choir but they do plays and shows. They have one coming up for Veteran's Day that she is extremely excited about and she just told me this morning that she wants to be signed up for the wrestling team, so I'm also looking into that today. She also wants to be a cheerleader and join dance team but she backs out when I take her b/c she says she isn't skinny and pretty like the other girls and it just makes her even more upset. It just kills me b/c these aren't things a 7yo should be thinking about.
I thought of a karate class but don't want her to have any moves that she thinks are ok to use at school, if she does have an outburst there, but they do also teach patience so maybe it would be good.
There are two other churches in our small community so I will check those out to see what they have as far as programs and such for kids. Thank you for that. I would definitely be willing to switch churches if it would help her.

Music is great for kids! I'd encourage that with her if you can. Building her self esteem will help her interactions in the long run! My 16yo dd was so shy as a child she could barely function at school, but loved music. She joined an audition-only children's choir in second grade, and it did wonders. She now performs regularly in front of large groups, is very outgoing and such.

My nephew did karate for a couple of years too, I'd check into it. They are really big on teaching kids to control their temper, and is great for self esteem as well. It can be expensive though, but I know the class here they have a drop-in class so you don't have to pay for it all at once.

Good luck on finding something that works for her!

ambrvan · October 2013

My H did Jujitsu as a pre teen and then MMA when he was a teenager. He had a lot of anger and emotional problems. While he was practicing the arts, he said it helped him tremendously. Counseling never helped him. Team sports did not help. Boy scouts did not help.

Martial arts and band (drums) helped him a lot. After he was severely hurt on a four wheeler and could not continue martial arts, playing the drums was his only saving grace.

xmaryrickx · October 2013

There are lots of things I want to comment on, but mainly that there is no magic cure here.
She connects more with the younger kids in church? That's great!!! She is connecting with someone, doesn't matter their age. Music lessons would be awesome. If they aren't feasible at the moment, take out that guitar and show her a few things. Break out instructional YouTube videos-they exist for guitar. She is doing well in church, so I wouldn't necessarily rush to switch that. What about a community choir that is not church affiliated? Do you have any of those? Is she not a fan of animals? You mentioned non-animal 4H activities. Animals can be super therapeutic and esteem building for someone who likes them. I know you recently got a new dog or two. Is it possible she could participate in a dog sport? Agility, fly ball, even obedience?

I'm sorry she is going through this. I hope she can find some place she feels happy and comfortable in her own skin.

Pamelacake · October 2013

I didn't know they offered MMA for kids! I studied it for a while for my anxiety and it did help.

The 4H thing.. she loves animals.. and we have some chickens that maybe she could show.. I have yet to speak with her about this. Her school offers a great FFA program but it's for the older kids =( She isn't really into the dogs. She will cuddle with them but get annoyed with them easily. She loves cats and there are always stray cats here so we keep cat food on hand for them and if they are friendly with her, we allow them to stay and continue feeding them but we can't have any of those inside.

I just mentioned the other things 4H offer b/c there are a lot! I think she may be interested in more that one. Even if it's expensive.. IDC. She needs something past what I can do and I don't want her to feel the way she does. I somewhat can relate to how she feels and she is a tough little cookie but everyone has their breaking point.

SD's self esteem = 0 again. WTG BM

Re: SD's self esteem = 0 again. WTG BM

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