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TTC#1, AP question... me vs. DH (kinda long)

KyselovaKyselova member
in Attachment Parenting
  I'm very new to TTC, but DH and I have discussed raising a child before and how we would like to approach it. Things change, but I think having a mutual understanding of where to start is helpful.

  I am definitely leaning toward AP styles, but DH thinks that the CIO method, and being a more.. independent (?) parent is better for the child. Independent as in.. not responding to every cue, almost "training" the baby on how to act and what is appropriate (I know that is poor choice of words, but I can't think of better terms.. basically, he wants to do the complete opposite of most AP practices).

So, basically, I'm revving up to state my case, and show him the benefits of AP. My questions are these:

1) What are websites that you have found that show evidence of the benefits of AP? Medical, studies, opinions.. anything. I need evidence to back up my case, and opinions from moms on this wonderful site who have been there, done that. I'll do my own research (he can be hard to convince.. usually thinks he's right, and that's that), but I've found many bumpies and moms on here always give me advice I hadn't thought of before :)

2) I want to SAHM (he wants me to also), but I will have to work a couple days a week at least for a time before that happens. Will that affect embracing all the AP parenting techniques? We aren't planning on using DC, but using alternate schedules so one of us is always home.

3) If you faced this kinda thing with your significant other, what did you do in the situation?

I know it kinda looks more like a questionnaire, sorry bout that. But any advice is good advice, and I know it'll help! TIA :)


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Re: TTC#1, AP question... me vs. DH (kinda long)

  • ncbellencbelle member
    Evolutionary parenting has excellent research based articles I suggest you have him look at. It's good you have this discussion now. I would also ask him to be honest with himself about where he is getting the idea that babies need to be independent....is it really what he thinks or what he thinks he should think?


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  • blu-eyedwifeblu-eyedwife member
    1) I honestly didn't do any research re:AP.  The thing that I like about it (and I've heard this board called AP lite, so maybe this doesn't fully embrace APing) is that you go with your gut.  How it feels.  And honestly, you are probably getting a lot ahead of yourself at this point in time.  I wouldn't have any fights with DH about AP/non-AP before there's even a baby involved, because you don't really know how you'll react.  I love the idea of schedules.  I loved the idea of getting baby on a schedule.  And then I had a baby.  And schedules don't work.  I didn't do much thought about CIO before having a kid, but once he was born and started crying I couldn't NOT go to him.  So many people don't intend to bedshare/cosleep, but in those early days of survival, they find that's what works best.  No matter what your DH says, you don't actually now how he'll react when there's a living breathing being involved, not just theory. 

    2) DH and I both work full time.  My son is in daycare 5 days a week.  I don't think that makes me/him any less attached.  Like I said, you can do what works for you and your family and still follow the AP tenants by providing your child with a safe, nurturing environment.  I think this is especially important to keep in mind so you don't get discouraged if there are certain things you're unable to do.  Like if you are unable to breastfeed, or your child hates to be worn. 

    3) Like I said, DH and I didn't have any discussions about this before our son was born.  We parented by what felt right, and that seemed to naturally align with most AP tenants.  I think the term "attachment parenting" is relatively modern, but the theories and tenants behind them are the way parents have naturally responded over hundreds of years.  And disagreements over specific things should be handled on a case by case basis.
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  • PhieryBFlyPhieryBFly member
    I agree with NCBelle, Evolutionary Parenting has some really good resources. The Alpha Parent isn't too bad either. Both of them have Facebook feeds you can sigh up for too. https://evolutionaryparenting.com https://www.thealphaparent.com
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  • Emerald27Emerald27 member
    There are a few books and resources I would recommend for both of you:

    Re DH and parenting:

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0912500964

    Re sleep:

    Google Dr. James. McKenna and the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at Notre Dame. He's the foremost expert on infant sleep and what is best for baby. Lots of scholarly articles available on the website.

    Also Re sleep:

    This book explains how sleep patterns at each stage of life differ, and what expectations of newborns are reasonable. Great book:

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0737304944

    Re You and parenting:

    I recommend this book to all new moms. It is a very easy, fun read (I've read it cover to cover and use it as a reference all the time), and has great info about breastfeeding, sleep, parent-baby interaction, and all aspects of parenting an infant and toddler. I give this book as a baby shower present to all my friends:

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345518446


    All these books and resources are science based, factual, accurate, and AP. Other great resources include kellymom.com and askdrsears.com, both of which have great parenting articles. Best of luck!



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  • MeganequineMeganequine member

    I never researched AP (still haven't) and don't think I'd even completely know what the term was if it weren't for this board and Blossum/Amy Fara-Fowler (I can't remember the actress's real name. . .)  I do find that a lot of my opinions are on the AP wave length though.

    I think it's good to talk about parenting things before the baby comes, but remember that some of your and your spouses thoughts on things might change when you are actually dealing with the hard job and parenting.  :)

    I also thing that sometimes it's okay if you and your husband parent a little differently.  I know that at times my H and I do; but we both are caring loving parents and make big decisions together.

    I work full-time (but have the summer off) it is absolutely possible to have an attached relationship and do many of the "AP" things while working.  (Also, I think it's awesome that you and your husband will be able to swing your schedules so one of you can be home.)

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  • KyselovaKyselova member
    Thank you for the advice so far!

    I do know that, of course, things change once we actually are parents, but I want to be in the same ballpark of how we may approach things at least. I feel, if we can come to some kind of agreement/compromise, then there may be less arguments when the LO is here and we are dealing with more stress factors. Different styles of parenting are good, but we seem to be on completely opposite ends of the spectrum in some things. 

    For all of you that recc. books and articles, I will definitely look into them! Thank you :)

    For those that talked about DC, the biggest challenge, honestly, is how much it can cost. I see the benefits, and we will probably end up taking LO once in awhile, but so many days a week can get rather pricey around here. And I really like the thought of one of us always being here. 

    Again, I am aware, as some of you brought up, that things could definitely change, but I would rather DH and I agree on the general big picture, and modify our styles on the little things that come up, rather than the other way around. 

    Thanks all so much again :)


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  • sugarbear0524sugarbear0524 member
    I think reading books and talking through things with your DH before you get pregnant is awesome. So many different expectations come into play with raising a child, and it's good to talk about it.  My advice is this: 
    1. Value your DH's opinion and don't forget that, even though you will carry the baby, his parenting opinion is just as valid as yours. Empower him to be a hands-on dad. A lot of moms make all the decisions and get into the mindset that if the dad doesn't do some thing like they would that the dad is wrong. Not the way to involve your DH.

    2. Don't make too many hard and fast rules on how you are going to do anything at this point.  Research and a general approach are needed, just prepare to be flexible. Your baby will undo many of them! Your baby may love being worn or hate it. You may be able to breastfeed with no problem or it might not happen for some reason (I couldn't due to a mild stroke I had after my son was born, new medication). Your baby may be snuggly or not. Just roll with the baby you have!
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  • iggles09iggles09 member
    I will say that before we had DD, DH and I had very different ideas about how we would parent. He was raised in a house that spanked and thought it made a difference in his behavior in a good way. I was raised in a house that spanked and I do not think it is an appropriate punishment. We never would have considered bedsharing, he was unsure about extended bfing, etc. 

    Now, we both agree on the no spanking, we bedshare every night (DH says every morning how much he loves us all waking up together and her not crying when waking), we hope to do extended bfing and maybe even child-led weaning, and I wear her all the time. 

    Also we both work full time and I feel fully attached to my baby. She is a mommy's girl 100% of the time - despite loving her teachers at DC. 

    My point is, I was shocked at how different DH became after DD was born. So while educating yourselves is a good idea, do not worry about what your DH thinks right now bc it will most likely change.
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  • musicalmama5musicalmama5 member
    I think it's great that you are thinking about these things now. However, be prepared for everything to change once LO arrives. When I was pregnant, I read Babywise and planned to get DS on a schedule as soon as possible. (lol) Then he arrived, and as a wise older mother worded it, my baby didn't read that book. He's 7.5 months and still no schedule to speak of. But I couldn't care less because he's happy and healthy and so are we. 

    Anyway, point being, do your research, talk to DH, get some ideas, but don't be married to any specifics quite yet.

    If your DH is anything like mine, you need to approach these topics by saying something like, "check out this cool article I just read! I never knew all this awesome stuff!" as opposed to "this is what I think and here's why you're wrong". In other words, you're learning things along with him.

    Good luck! 
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  • KyselovaKyselova member
    Thanks to every one who posted lately, again. 

    I know we can't expect everything to work out perfectly, as I do know a LO throws most of your "plans" in the air. Haha. Like I said.. just a general ballpark of how we may approach things to keep THAT stress minimum later. Once again, you've all given me something to think about :)


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