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Not WM related per se - my rigid 4-year-old

jetgrrrljetgrrrl member
in Working Moms
I guess this is a rant coupled with a "am I doing something to cause this??" post. My 4-year-old is becoming increasingly rigid in his likes/dislikes, his need to have things exactly as he wants them (food, clothes, take a toy in the car for the 5-minute drive to daycare etc.) and he throws a fit nearly every time something isn't "perfect". I hate to cave but it literally makes it impossible to get out the door at times. So I try to anticipate what he's going to want to avoid a fit or saying no and then changing my mind just to get him out the door. There's been a lot of change in our lives over the last three months (new house, new neighborhood, new school) but we've done everything we can to try to make the transition as smooth as possible (still see his old school friends a lot, new bedroom is set up the same as his old room). I don't know if the rigidity is him trying to take control of his world or what, or if it's a 4-year-old thing, but I'm feeling very challenged in coping with this. I don't want to tiptoe around him all the time or give in (even worse)  but it's getting to the point that every single thing is a battle. I'm also extremely congnizant/concerned with raising a spoiled, entitled child. Up to now we've been able to stick to our guns and put up with the occasional tantrum, but it's happening all the time lately. I will XP on Preschooler's board.
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Re: Not WM related per se - my rigid 4-year-old

  • FemShepFemShep member
    If you've had significant change recently, this sounds like a natural reaction to the upheaval. He's likely trying to assert control over the things he can influence. Look at giving your LO as many choices as possible about things that don't matter (do you want to wear this t-shirt or that one? Do you want the blue cup or the red cup?) and let him know that there are some choices he can't make. Prepare him for leaving (we're leaving in 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes...) and hold to the departure. It's important for your LO to feel empowered and make choices, but it's also important for him to understand he can't hold the household hostage to his whims.
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  • MammaBear81MammaBear81 member
    We give two (acceptable) choices when we can (i.e. blue shirt, or red shirt, not shorts or pants when it's 30 degrees outside).  Other times there is no choice and that is that.  It's not easy sometimes, but "giving in" doesn't get easier when they get older, it just gets harder.  I'd give him 2 choices when it's possible, (like you can ask how he wants his sandwich cut, but what's on the sandwich is not a choice) but stick to your guns on everything else.
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  • RidgebackmomRidgebackmom member
    Sounds like my 4 yr old. She went through a phase and sometimes still does of wanting to bring a toy (anything) into school but the school just will not allow it. I never know what "mood" she is going to be in. When I show her special attention she gets mad (we have a new baby in house). If I say, I am so proud of you for sleeping in your bed all night, she sometimes just looks at me with a disgruntled look. If I saw hey, let's go buy some new shoes, she says NO! I just don't get it, but I do not want a spoiled girl, she will fight very hard for what she wants! GL--we need it ;) Let's hope with 5 it gets better!
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  • aglennaglenn member
    I agree, I think it's a reaction to all the changes he's been through recently.  Four is all about starting to exert independence and control and it is a struggle on a good day, let alone during transition times like you're in right now.  Preparation and choices work well for my DD, and we also do some focused calming down time with her because she is like a 12 out of 10 on the intensity scale and needs extra help reigning in her emotions. 
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  • jlaOKjlaOK member
    My 3.5 year old is the same way.  I try to prepare as much as possible for his particularities.  We pick out clothes for the week on the weekend, I give him plenty of time to pick out his toy for the car.  I just try and pick my battles.  I also think that these things don't contribute very much to raising a spoiled child, something that I am also very aware of.
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  • emberlee3emberlee3 member
    Yeah, shortly after DS turned 4, I discovered that I don't really like 4 year olds. JK. But he is very strong willed. I am working on tweaking some things with our morning routine so we can get out of the house more quickly and smoothly. DH is really headstrong, too, and most days I want to strangle both of them before we're even out the door.
    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
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  • *sparky**sparky* member
    ITA w/FemShep.  This behavior is also somewhat normal for the age as they are trying to assert their inependence, but probably aggravated in this case by all of the recent changes.  Her advice is spot on - let him feel like he is regaining some control, but make sure you keep control of those things that really matter.  It can take a little time - good luck! 

     

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