Convincing my husband

jennikarle · October 2013

I have always felt in my heart that adoption is a definite path in my life that I wish to take. I am especially interested in adopting somewhat older children. However, my husband, who is supportive of adoption, is not so supportive of the idea of adopting a somewhat older child. He has the natural fears that one might have about adopting a child that has already experienced a lot of pain in this world. But this is exactly WHY I want to adopt older kids. Give them the chance they never had. Are there any books out there that anyone was particularly fond of that I could give to my husband to read? I really want us to make this life changing decision together and both go into it willingly and with our whole hearts.

Dr.Loretta · October 2013

Have you checked the FAQs? There are some book recs there

[Deleted User] · October 2013

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CaptainSerious · October 2013

It seems with most couples that adopt, one partner comes to a view before the other. Most often, learning more about the type of adoption and all the possible issues associated with it help the couple get on the same page.

I adopted to "older" boys from Peru. I can tell you that it is a difficult, although amazing and life-changing path. It is everything wonderful that you dream of, when you extend your family to include someone who was previously short on opportunities, but you also have to be prepared to make their pain your pain to help them heal, and it will rock you to the core.

The only thing I wish to warn you about is adopting out of birth order. I believe preserving birth order in adoption is a much bigger concern than it initially appears.

Adoption/foster professionals often cite jealousy and the child's understanding of how they fit into the home as a reason for preserving birth order, but there's a much bigger side to it that they often choose not to discuss when not relaying the circumstances surrounding a specific child. Many older children who are in foster care or are available for adoption have experienced trauma in their lives. This could be as simple as losing caregivers through death, but more often means witnessing or being the victim of abuse, neglect, or other violent behavior. Children who have suffered these types of trauma often act out those types of behaviors on younger children around them. This can happen even if they are getting all the emotional and psychological help they need; it's often part of their process as they learn to cope with what happened to them/what they witnessed. So in the minds of many adoption professionals, placing an older child, who may have had a turbulent past, in a home with young children is not ideal in most situations.

jennikarle · October 2013

Thanks for the advice! This is really all just getting started and any ideas or support is a big help. I honestly know we wouldn't be adopting for quite some time (5-7 years). But I also know that it's a big commitment and can take quite some time. That's why I really want to engage my husband (and myself) with it as much as possible now!

CaptainSerious · October 2013

That's a great idea. It took us 2.5 years to adopt my older son and 1.5 years for my younger son. I wish I had started researching before I was ready, because then the long process and waiting time wouldn't have been so tortuous.

CaptainSerious · October 2013

If you look in the FAQs, I have a long list of books you should consider reading concerning adopting older children. I'm thinking of adding a similar list of books for special needs parenting, but haven't compiled the whole thing yet.

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Convincing my husband

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