Sad (long) intro.

kz's_girlygirl · October 2013

I'm so sorry to read about all of the losses in this community, but so grateful that you all have shared your beautiful babies and stories.
Our son Jesse was born too early on Sunday and I have been reading through the posts here for the past 2 days.
Here is a bit of our story:
We have been TTC since 2008, and have struggled with infertility and all the treatments and trials of that for the past 3 years. In June, our IVF cycle resulted in just one normally fertilized embryo, which gave us our longed for first positive pregnancy test ever. We cautiously hoped that this would be it. We held off on telling any family or friends until 16 weeks, and then only immediate family and very close family friends. Since we live out of state, my morning sickness and growing belly were easy to hide.
Then, at just 17 wks- on Saturday, my water broke. I had been feeling cramps and a backache for three days, but my OB assured me it was normal and a urine culture came back negative for any UTI or bladder infection. I had been trying to just relax on Saturday, and when I stood up there was a gush of fluid. I rushed to the bathroom and wasn't sure what to do. I changed my clothes, and called the after hours number for my OB. By the time the Dr called back, I had changed again, and soaked through a pad. She told me to go right to L&D, so I called DH to meet me there and left immediately.
At 10:30 pm we had an ultrasound and my Dr. did an exam. It was confirmed that my water broke, I had a suspected uterine infection and I was 2cm dilated. Jesse's heart was still beating strong, but my Dr. said things were not looking good.
The next morning, the nurse could not find a heartbeat with the doppler, and after another ultrasound we were told our baby was dead. I am feeling a lot of guilt over this even though I know there's nothing I could have done. My body killed my growing baby during the night.
At noon we began the induction process. I decided to have an epidural because I didn't want to feel anything. The epidural did not work though, and the pain of labor combined with the pain of losing the son we had longed for was overwhelming and shattering. I was almost hysterical in the moments before he was born, but as soon as he emerged shock took over. I reached for him immediately. He was born at 5:39pm.
DH and I held him and tried to memorize him for an hour, which flew by. He was so small, and I was terrified to hurt him, even though I know that was no longer possible. Dh then put a baptismal gown on him and we had the rite performed.
We held him for a while longer, and then felt it was time to let him go. We kissed his tiny head and handed our son to the nurse.
We decided not to stay another night, and since my bleeding was under control my Dr. agreed that we could go home at 10pm if we wanted.
I needed to see Jesse once more before we left, so they brought him to us for a final goodbye. Leaving the room where he was born, being wheeled past a nursery filled with crying babies and arriving home with empty arms and an empty belly was beyond surreal.
There are so many emotions that I am feeling for the very first time, and I cherish them and hate them at the same time. I am a mother because of Jesse, but my baby is dead. I know that I am not alone, but logic and emotion rarely go hand in hand.

Carolee · October 2013

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Jesse. I hope you find support here with us, but I'm so sad you have to be here.

schulme2 · October 2013

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Jesse. It's just not fair and we'll never understand why these awful things happen. I hope you'll find some comfort here knowing you're not alone. Big hugs to you.

elephantsonpatrol · October 2013

kz's_girlygirl said:

I'm so sorry to read about all of the losses in this community, but so grateful that you all have shared your beautiful babies and stories.
Our son Jesse was born too early on Sunday and I have been reading through the posts here for the past 2 days.
Here is a bit of our story:
We have been TTC since 2008, and have struggled with infertility and all the treatments and trials of that for the past 3 years. In June, our IVF cycle resulted in just one normally fertilized embryo, which gave us our longed for first positive pregnancy test ever. We cautiously hoped that this would be it. We held off on telling any family or friends until 16 weeks, and then only immediate family and very close family friends. Since we live out of state, my morning sickness and growing belly were easy to hide.
Then, at just 17 wks- on Saturday, my water broke. I had been feeling cramps and a backache for three days, but my OB assured me it was normal and a urine culture came back negative for any UTI or bladder infection. I had been trying to just relax on Saturday, and when I stood up there was a gush of fluid. I rushed to the bathroom and wasn't sure what to do. I changed my clothes, and called the after hours number for my OB. By the time the Dr called back, I had changed again, and soaked through a pad. She told me to go right to L&D, so I called DH to meet me there and left immediately.
At 10:30 pm we had an ultrasound and my Dr. did an exam. It was confirmed that my water broke, I had a suspected uterine infection and I was 2cm dilated. Jesse's heart was still beating strong, but my Dr. said things were not looking good.
The next morning, the nurse could not find a heartbeat with the doppler, and after another ultrasound we were told our baby was dead. I am feeling a lot of guilt over this even though I know there's nothing I could have done. My body killed my growing baby during the night.
At noon we began the induction process. I decided to have an epidural because I didn't want to feel anything. The epidural did not work though, and the pain of labor combined with the pain of losing the son we had longed for was overwhelming and shattering. I was almost hysterical in the moments before he was born, but as soon as he emerged shock took over. I reached for him immediately. He was born at 5:39pm.
DH and I held him and tried to memorize him for an hour, which flew by. He was so small, and I was terrified to hurt him, even though I know that was no longer possible. Dh then put a baptismal gown on him and we had the rite performed.
We held him for a while longer, and then felt it was time to let him go. We kissed his tiny head and handed our son to the nurse.
We decided not to stay another night, and since my bleeding was under control my Dr. agreed that we could go home at 10pm if we wanted.
I needed to see Jesse once more before we left, so they brought him to us for a final goodbye. Leaving the room where he was born, being wheeled past a nursery filled with crying babies and arriving home with empty arms and an empty belly was beyond surreal.
There are so many emotions that I am feeling for the very first time, and I cherish them and hate them at the same time. I am a mother because of Jesse, but my baby is dead. I know that I am not alone, but logic and emotion rarely go hand in hand.

You did *not* kill your baby. I know you are going through so many what ifs, but please know you were and are a wonderful mother to him. This was never your fault

Xath · October 2013

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious boy.

ajsweeton · October 2013

****Ticker Warning****

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Try not to let yourself place blame. I know that I struggled for months blaming myself for the loss of my boys, but I've come to the realization that I did everything I could to prevent it from happening. And it sounds like you did too. You spoke with your doctors when you felt something wasn't right. It's not your fault this happened. I wish that no one would ever have to go through what we've all been through here, but know that you've found the right place. These women know how you feel because we've all been there.

Noethola · October 2013

I am so very sorry for your loss of sweet Jesse. We sadly welcome you to this board.

mingaling2 · October 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Heatherhah · October 2013

I am so so sorry that you have to be here with us. I am also so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Jessie. You are not alone!! We are all here for you!

jess123456 · October 2013

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Jesse. It always saddens me to have to welcome new moms here but please know that you have come to a very supportive and understanding place filled with those who get it. You are not alone. Guilt is a totally normal part of grief but please know that you did nothing wrong. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to post here as often or as little as you would like.

bunnybun4 · October 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. ((hugs))

jbranden12 · October 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your Jessie. Many of us resonate with your experience. Being wheeled out of the hospital without our babies is absolute torture. I am sorry you have to join us but home this board can be a place of comfort and support for you.

BrittianyM · October 2013

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Jesse. I am hurting for you. I wish no one had to be here but we are all here for you when ever you need us.

AJCagle82 · October 2013

I'm so sorry you're joining this board. The loss of a child is something no one should ever have to experience. I, too, spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong. I painstakingly replayed month's events leading up to losing Parker. It has taken a long time to get here (and I'm not sure I'm truly there), but this is not your fault. I hope you find support here. This is a great place to vent your anger, frustrations, sadness, and eventually/hopefully joys. The emotions you'll feel over the next days, weeks, months, and possibly years might not make sense to you. Grieving is such a strange process. We are all here for you.

shandorfml2 · October 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Jesse (((hugs)))

MrsZ816 · October 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss of Jesse. Your story is very similar to mine, especially the infertility portion. I hope you find comfort in this community.

Dixon813 · October 2013

Siggy warning...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Jessie.

Please know we're here for you however and whenever you need us - this board has been a great source of comfort to me. Many, many prayers to you and your husband.

kz's_girlygirl · October 2013

Thank you all so much. It's awful that we are all here, but I am so grateful to have a community of other people who get it. Lots of love to all of you!

mcfife09 · October 2013

@kzs_girlygirl

I just want to pass along my love and prayers to you and your family. Take all the time you need to heal and know that there is someone unknown to you praying for you. I am so sorry.

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