I'm so sorry to read about all of the losses in this community, but so grateful that you all have shared your beautiful babies and stories. Our son Jesse was born too early on Sunday and I have been reading through the posts here for the past 2 days. Here is a bit of our story: We have been TTC since 2008, and have struggled with infertility and all the treatments and trials of that for the past 3 years. In June, our IVF cycle resulted in just one normally fertilized embryo, which gave us our longed for first positive pregnancy test ever. We cautiously hoped that this would be it. We held off on telling any family or friends until 16 weeks, and then only immediate family and very close family friends. Since we live out of state, my morning sickness and growing belly were easy to hide. Then, at just 17 wks- on Saturday, my water broke. I had been feeling cramps and a backache for three days, but my OB assured me it was normal and a urine culture came back negative for any UTI or bladder infection. I had been trying to just relax on Saturday, and when I stood up there was a gush of fluid. I rushed to the bathroom and wasn't sure what to do. I changed my clothes, and called the after hours number for my OB. By the time the Dr called back, I had changed again, and soaked through a pad. She told me to go right to L&D, so I called DH to meet me there and left immediately. At 10:30 pm we had an ultrasound and my Dr. did an exam. It was confirmed that my water broke, I had a suspected uterine infection and I was 2cm dilated. Jesse's heart was still beating strong, but my Dr. said things were not looking good. The next morning, the nurse could not find a heartbeat with the doppler, and after another ultrasound we were told our baby was dead. I am feeling a lot of guilt over this even though I know there's nothing I could have done. My body killed my growing baby during the night. At noon we began the induction process. I decided to have an epidural because I didn't want to feel anything. The epidural did not work though, and the pain of labor combined with the pain of losing the son we had longed for was overwhelming and shattering. I was almost hysterical in the moments before he was born, but as soon as he emerged shock took over. I reached for him immediately. He was born at 5:39pm. DH and I held him and tried to memorize him for an hour, which flew by. He was so small, and I was terrified to hurt him, even though I know that was no longer possible. Dh then put a baptismal gown on him and we had the rite performed. We held him for a while longer, and then felt it was time to let him go. We kissed his tiny head and handed our son to the nurse. We decided not to stay another night, and since my bleeding was under control my Dr. agreed that we could go home at 10pm if we wanted. I needed to see Jesse once more before we left, so they brought him to us for a final goodbye. Leaving the room where he was born, being wheeled past a nursery filled with crying babies and arriving home with empty arms and an empty belly was beyond surreal. There are so many emotions that I am feeling for the very first time, and I cherish them and hate them at the same time. I am a mother because of Jesse, but my baby is dead. I know that I am not alone, but logic and emotion rarely go hand in hand.
TTC since 2008 Dh:34, no issues. Me:31, Endo, slightly hypothyroid, deformed ovary, paracentric inversion. 4 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone +TI cycles= all BFN Lap in 2012 to remove large unresolving cyst discovered endo and double lobed ovary. 6 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone IUI cycles= All BFN, 1st IVF w/ICSI- June '13 Antagonist: Gonal-F, Menopur, Ganirelix, HcG, Estradiol, Crinone= 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 1 unfertilized, 2 abnormally fertilized, 1 normally fertilized. 2DT of only embryo and our miracle BFP. Our beloved baby boy was born sleeping Oct. 13, 2013 due to pROM/IC/Uterine infection. 2nd IVF w/ICSI- Feb. '14 EPP/lupron/antagonist: Estrace, lupron, HGH, Gonal-F, Menopur, HcG, PIO, lovenox, doxy/dex.=21 retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized!! 5dt of 1 blast/ 6 frozen. BFP! Beta 1 9dp5dt:83.9 Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 145.2 Beta 3 14dp5dt: 497 Please be our sticky rainbow baby!