Wedding Vows.. to renew or not to renew?

Kyselova · October 2013

Not that DH and I are planning it any time soon, or even planning at all really, but has anyone on here renewed their vows? What's your opinion on it in general? DH and I had an extremely small wedding, with maybe 14 people max there, in the in-laws living room, and we didn't really get a real vacation-type honeymoon. I got DH out of the deal (win!) so I loved our wedding, obviously, but it'd be nice to maybe go somewhere special and renew in a few years. Anywho. Opinions?

jcsumm0 · October 2013

Maybe I should save this for an UO but I think vow renewals are dumb. Big party to celebrate a big anni? Yes. Pretend re-wedding? No.

WolFox · October 2013

I know people who just have a big 'party' afterwards.... like a long delayed reception. We may do something for our 25th, but that's so far away who knows what'll happen!

I say if you want to do it, go for it. Maybe wait for a bigger anniversary (5-10 etc.) but do what you want, girl! We had a small wedding too, but it was 30 people and I got to wear a "big" dress just so I would get that true "wedding" feel. If you feel like you missed out a bit, go for it!

Ginabean42712 · October 2013

Yea I never understood the renewing of the vows, were the first ones not good enough? If u want a bigger honeymoon, just go on one. If u want to throw a big anniversary party, do so! You don't need to renew your vows for any of that.

AlphaSierra · October 2013

We are doing it on big anniversaries for fun, but have no intention of throwing big parties. We are going for the more cliche, fun ceremonies. For example, be remarried by Elvis in Vegas, Dolly Parton in Dollywood, a cruise ship captain on a cruise, etc. It's more for us to laugh about and say we did it than anything.

ETA: We won't be inviting people (but they can come if they want!), it's more for DH and I to have fun and make memories.

jnnfrrose6 · October 2013

I loved our wedding so much, that the thought has crossed my mind to do a vow renewal simply because I'd love to have that experience again, but then again, I can have that with a fabulously planned party, so we'll probably just do that on a big anniversary and skip on the vow renewal part.

ADH0906 · October 2013

Mine may stray a little into UO, but I think they're awfully AW if they're not for a big anniversary (25 or 50). Plenty of people throughout history have long, happy marriages that only consisted of a judge at the courthouse. It feels pretty insulting to me to say that it's a big dress and hundreds of people that makes it a "real wedding." There's no reason to not take a big honeymoon later... DH and I got married this September and chose to put any leftover money into our new house. We missed getting a beachy vacation after all that stress, but we certainly didn't "deserve" one either.

von1976 · October 2013

TL;DR.

Do not renew. Vow renewals are for big anniversaries and/or if you've gone through a significant life struggle. You can't just have a vow renewal because you didn't get the wedding/party you wanted. Well, I guess you can, but everyone will think you're BSC.

Host a big New Year's party or something. Call it black tie, serve food, enjoy yourself. Dress to the nines. Make a speech if you want. Dance the night away. Just don't call it a re-wedding or a vow renewal, because that's silly when you've been married for nearly two years.

INmommy871278 · October 2013

AlphaSierra said:
We are doing it on big anniversaries for fun, but have no intention of throwing big parties. We are going for the more cliche, fun ceremonies. For example, be remarried by Elvis in Vegas, Dolly Parton in Dollywood, a cruise ship captain on a cruise, etc. It's more for us to laugh about and say we did it than anything.

ETA: We won't be inviting people (but they can come if they want!), it's more for DH and I to have fun and make memories.

This! DH and both want to go to Vegas just for the experience and agreed that would be our anniversary gift at 5 or 10 years, more likely 10 years. And Elvis will be doing the "renewal" just for fun no guest.

cakebatter27 · October 2013

Did you have a reception? You could always just throw a big party! I'm not really into the vow renewal unless there was a difficult time or it's a big anniversary (20, 25, etc.) That being said I'm not against it. I would probably go if invited but I'd side-eye everything but the cake.

ADH0906 · October 2013

One of my oldest friends is getting married in February. It's a 6 hour drive and would for sure be an over night, but I was super excited to go and see her get married! Plus I haven't seen her in years so I was really looking forward to it.
Well, they didn't want to wait, so they got married last weekend with friends and family at the courthouse, but are renewing their vows in February with their bigger original guest list. WTF. I'm not going anymore. I'll still buy a gift, but I'm not driving 6 hours and paying for a hotel room for a 6 month vow renewal. *super bummed*

Over at TheKnot, they call this a PPD... Pretty Princess Day. I realize that it's sometimes done innocently, but to me it screams "I want tax and insurance (or military or whatever) benefits now, but I deserve an expensive party and gifts too." Sorry that this happened to you!

mbRN83 · October 2013

ashleysyn2 said:

I can't imagine going through the headache of planning another wedding. No thank you.
DH and I will take trips on our big anniversaries and if we happen to say our vows to each other again in privacy, so be it. But I will not be planning another wedding.

Exactly. I can't believe the amount of girls that I know that have Pinterest boards named, "If I could redo the day." And they pin wedding stuff constantly. I was so sick of wedding planning by the time ours was over, that I deleted my Pinterest board, haha! NOOOO thanks!

Kyselova · October 2013

macylynn27 said:

I'm not a huge fan in the sense that I don't think I will ever renew our wedding vows. I know a lot of people renew their vows after going through a hard time, separating, etc. or for one of their big (25 or 50) anniversaries. To be honest I've never heard of someone renewing their vows because their wedding was small.
You could always do a second honeymoon. You don't have to have a wedding to do another honeymoon.
It ultimately comes down to what you want to do, though.

Edit: added the anniversary part.

It's not cause our wedding was small, (should have been clearer), it would just be a bonus experience. IF we even did it, which I dunno if we even would. It was mostly for opinion, lol.

Kyselova · October 2013

von1976 said:

TL;DR.

Do not renew. Vow renewals are for big anniversaries and/or if you've gone through a significant life struggle. You can't just have a vow renewal because you didn't get the wedding/party you wanted. Well, I guess you can, but everyone will think you're BSC.

Host a big New Year's party or something. Call it black tie, serve food, enjoy yourself. Dress to the nines. Make a speech if you want. Dance the night away. Just don't call it a re-wedding or a vow renewal, because that's silly when you've been married for nearly two years.

I mentioned before, it was more an opinion post than anything, and it's cool to see people on both sides of the fence. You're right on not doing a full blown renewl at 2 years... which is why we weren't anyway. I was thinking 25 years, probably earliest, IF we even did it. I just thoughtit'd be interesting to get some opinions on renewing vows in general.

brownmouse · October 2013

We plan on possibly renewing our vows at the ten year mark, but under "special" circumstances. We had a big (well, big for us, not huge) wedding planned, I had a dress, we had picked out flowers and the venue, and pretty much everything decided and then my MIL ruined it for us (LONG story) and we ended up not able to have the wedding as planned. The date kept getting pushed back because of MIL, and at the two year mark from the date we were supposed to have it originally, we said screw it and eloped (had a tiny ceremony with a few friends) because we didn't want to wait anymore. I still have my dress and we've always said that at our 5 or 10 year anniversary we would have a very small version of the weeding we wanted to have so that our families could come.I am my parents only daughter and my mom was very sad that we didn't have the wedding we wanted.

We just hit the 5 year mark this year and no plans for a vow renewal any time soon, so if it does happen, it'll probably be at the 10 year mark. Though honestly, the longer it is, the less I care about doing it... The idea is nice, but actually doing it is another story.

Edit: Though I will add, our plans are not to throw a big wedding and invite everyone we know, it would literally just be our immediate family and very close friends in my Mom's backyard. The idea of throwing a giant party and wedding for 10 years sounds terrible. I'm not even a big fan of giant 50th anniversary parties normally.

seventhumbs · October 2013

Yes, I would just love to go through all of the friend/in-law/money/planning drama of my first wedding ALL OVER AGAIN.

The day of my wedding was great and I loved it, by the way. But to plan it again? NO THANKS.

MrsMac613 · October 2013

If we ever did a vow renewal it would probably be just me and DH on an island somewhere for an anniversary trip. I loved my wedding but I never want to plan another one in my life lol.

hupp0013 · October 2013

The only way I would want to do a vowel renewal would be just DH and I in Vegas. We had talked about wanting to get married there. That would be the only way we would do it.

Ceridwen21 · October 2013

I didn't read all the responses, so sorry if this is just a repeat, but spend your money on a second honeymoon instead. I personally think that vow-renewals are pretty cheesy.

jnnfrrose6 · October 2013

macylynn27 said:

One of my oldest friends is getting married in February. It's a 6 hour drive and would for sure be an over night, but I was super excited to go and see her get married! Plus I haven't seen her in years so I was really looking forward to it.
Well, they didn't want to wait, so they got married last weekend with friends and family at the courthouse, but are renewing their vows in February with their bigger original guest list. WTF. I'm not going anymore. I'll still buy a gift, but I'm not driving 6 hours and paying for a hotel room for a 6 month vow renewal. *super bummed*

We have very close friends that got married at the courthouse last January, but then had a ceremony in Mexico in May. We were there for the family dinner after the courthouse and we went to Mexico to celebrate again with them. SIL eloped as well, and MIL held a reception for them several months later back home so everyone could celebrate too. I don't understand what the big deal is. There are plenty of reasons to get married at the courthouse sooner than you'd like to have an actual ceremony and party to celebrate. I don't see it as a "6 month vow renewal" at all, though I don't know your friend's reasoning for not being able to wait, either.

coopsbaby · October 2013

Dh and I are planning to do it, but not in the tacky over-the-top way people seem to do it anymore. We got married in Vegas (very small, immediate family), and we just had such a rocking good time that we want to do it again. The plan is at 5 years, and since we go to Vegas once a year anyway we'll just schedule a vow renewal at the same chapel we got married at. It's pretty cheap, no planning really at all since they provide everything. We'll just wear something nice, do the renewal, then go out to dinner at the same restaurant that we did on our wedding day. It's something we're looking forward to, but we won't invite anyone at all, might not even tell people we do it. It's just a private celebration for us.

Spookster · October 2013

I am down for a big ol party! Wear a nice dress, I just want some fancy pictures. That was the only thing I wanted that I didn't get out of our wedding. I thought about a vow renewal. I was all for it but I have since changed my mind. It doesn't make sense to me unless you have gone through a hard time and need to revisit your vows.

Kyselova · October 2013

MrsMac613 said:

If we ever did a vow renewal it would probably be just me and DH on an island somewhere for an anniversary trip. I loved my wedding but I never want to plan another one in my life lol.

Other people have mentioned that scenario, and I have to say, it sounds friggin wonderful!

mrstomommy · October 2013

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

Kyselova · October 2013

lwoehlk said:

Not that I agree or disagree, but I have seen where people get married at the courthouse earlier than anticipated, and then have a church wedding later. The courthouse wedding is more the "legal" aspect of the wedding which means that they are legally married in terms of taxes, benefits, etc. The church wedding then is the church recognition of the marriage, which depending on your beliefs is different than the legal aspect of actually being married. It's the difference between legally being married and spiritually being married. Not saying that is always the case with an early wedding and then a later wedding with everybody else, but I have seen that that is the case on occasion and just wanted to throw that out there.
But this is the part that irks me. We live in a country (assuming US) where you can get married legally and spiritually at the same ceremony. The couple should plan the wedding incorporating both. Getting married earlier for benefits is really gross IMO. Military is no exception. Id there is a circumstances where one person doesn't have insurance, then it's up to the couple to either pay for insurance from a third party or live with their choice to be married in a wedding that might not be their "dream" wedding. That doesn't entitle them to a do over. Edit: OP I know this isn't your situation and you were just asking. I just wanted to continue my thoughts on the PPD tangent.

It's fair enough. I myself don't imagine a huge church wedding with an expensive dress, flowers, blah blah blah. Like other people have said, that's kinda a "fake" wedding. You walk down the aisle once.. or you get officially married once. For me, if I were to imagine my renews in, like... 23 years (I don't think I'd do it at 10 years, but you never know), I imagine myself on a beach, in a bikini, with a martini close at hand. And, assuming we have children by then, our children there.
I'm with a lot of people on the whole "big wedding" do-over. Our wedding was small, and part of me would like some things I missed (the photographs another PP mentioned are a good point), but really, it's just a continuation of devotion. Celebrating a big anniversary in a personal way. Not another scheme to get attention and gifts from a crowd of people. Or it shouldn't be, in my opinion.

But, ya know, to each his own.

Kyselova · October 2013

mrstomommy said:

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

For you, I can see your point there. One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.
I get the "breaking vows" thing, it's definitely valid. And maybe the co-workers situation isn't exactly the same thing, but it was definitely.. different. I don't think I'd want to do it. Sit down in front of DH and ask "So... do we want to stay married, or move on?". Uhm...

Kyselova · October 2013

BobKat22 said:

I bet we will. For one, I just love an event. But also, because we were really young when we got married (18). Looking back, I didn't understand the concept of our vows the way I do now. Not that I've ever broken our vows, but they mean more to me now. We probably won't do 10 years because that is coming up too soon, maybe at 25 years. ETA: I don't expect to make it a big wedding like last time. Probably a very small destination renewal.

I was married at 18 also, and I hadn't really thought of that, but it's an excellent point!

jenandtim828 · October 2013

I saw renew! Especially if it is a chance to take a mini vacation together:)

Kyselova · October 2013

Joy2611 said:

Kyselova said:

One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.

My husband and I discussed this! It was about a year before we got engaged. Marriage is - first and foremost - a legally binding contract. We wondered why it didn't come with any end date we wanted like many contracts do. While we were sort of fooling around with the idea, it still makes some amount of sense to me. Let's be married for five years - see how it goes. After five years, it will dissolve as we had laid out.

I understand that many many people will not get this and some may even find it offensive. But it was an interesting thought experiment that definitely intrigued both of us.

I don't find it offensive (to each his own, like I've said), but I do find it really odd, personally. Mostly cause I had only heard of one person (not including you) talk about it. Did you reach your five year mark and discuss it? Are you still planning on doing it if you haven't reached that five year mark yet?

janda426 · October 2013

Well I figure since the vows we said originally included "til death us do part" we can maybe renew them in the after life..? But until then were still bound by the same vows and follow them every day. I believe in milestone anniversary parties and vacations. Lots of vacations. To me, renewing your vows and inviting others to come watch is the epitome of AWish.

Don't even get me started on PPDs. I'm only 6 months fresh off the knot lol it brings back bad memories. The day you get married is your wedding. The end

brownmouse · October 2013

Kyselova said:

mrstomommy said:

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

For you, I can see your point there. One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.
I get the "breaking vows" thing, it's definitely valid. And maybe the co-workers situation isn't exactly the same thing, but it was definitely.. different. I don't think I'd want to do it. Sit down in front of DH and ask "So... do we want to stay married, or move on?". Uhm...

My husband and I kind of do this. We had a really rough year when DD was born, and came very close to getting divorced because we were not being truly open with each other about our needs and it caused a lot of issues. Since that year, we sit down every six months and talk about how we did, and reassess what things we need to work on in our marriage for the next six months. It's not so much a "do we want to stay married" but more of a "how can we make sure we are both getting what we need so that we can remain happy and still love each other to the fullest." It has helped immesnly in our communication as a couple, and in parenting DD, since those conversations often lead to talking about how we are parenting and how we can do better.

Kyselova · October 2013

brownmouse said:

Kyselova said:

mrstomommy said:

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

For you, I can see your point there. One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.
I get the "breaking vows" thing, it's definitely valid. And maybe the co-workers situation isn't exactly the same thing, but it was definitely.. different. I don't think I'd want to do it. Sit down in front of DH and ask "So... do we want to stay married, or move on?". Uhm...

My husband and I kind of do this. We had a really rough year when DD was born, and came very close to getting divorced because we were not being truly open with each other about our needs and it caused a lot of issues. Since that year, we sit down every six months and talk about how we did, and reassess what things we need to work on in our marriage for the next six months. It's not so much a "do we want to stay married" but more of a "how can we make sure we are both getting what we need so that we can remain happy and still love each other to the fullest." It has helped immesnly in our communication as a couple, and in parenting DD, since those conversations often lead to talking about how we are parenting and how we can do better.

I think that is wonderful

When DH and I argue, it's communication, and what you and your DH do sounds like a really good move to making sure, like you said, you both are happy and loving each other to the fullest, instead of getting frustrated with one another. Kudos to you both!

brownmouse · October 2013

Kyselova said:

brownmouse said:

Kyselova said:

mrstomommy said:

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

For you, I can see your point there. One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.
I get the "breaking vows" thing, it's definitely valid. And maybe the co-workers situation isn't exactly the same thing, but it was definitely.. different. I don't think I'd want to do it. Sit down in front of DH and ask "So... do we want to stay married, or move on?". Uhm...

My husband and I kind of do this. We had a really rough year when DD was born, and came very close to getting divorced because we were not being truly open with each other about our needs and it caused a lot of issues. Since that year, we sit down every six months and talk about how we did, and reassess what things we need to work on in our marriage for the next six months. It's not so much a "do we want to stay married" but more of a "how can we make sure we are both getting what we need so that we can remain happy and still love each other to the fullest." It has helped immesnly in our communication as a couple, and in parenting DD, since those conversations often lead to talking about how we are parenting and how we can do better.

I think that is wonderful When DH and I argue, it's communication, and what you and your DH do sounds like a really good move to making sure, like you said, you both are happy and loving each other to the fullest, instead of getting frustrated with one another. Kudos to you both!

The reason we started this is because arguing became our only form of communication in the hard times that we had. We realized that we werent being fully open with each other about our feelings and it was causing a lot of uneeded hardship because talking about it out of a heated moment is much more productive than yelling at one another during an argument. We honestly could have benefited from couples therapy, but couldn't afford it, so we made our own. The breaking point was me actually packing up the car and leaving him to drive with DD down to my Parents house to stay because we had a (another) huge fight, and my car "broke down" about an hour out of town, leaving me no choice but to call him to come save us. He got there, we talked and the car was totally fine on the way home, so we took it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to leave. That night we sat down and decided on this six month reassessment, and have done it ever six months since. Our relationship has been amazing since then, and we have never been more happy and settled with one another. I highly recommend it.

Edit: I just realized that I just told an internet stranger and drawn out pointless story.. so forgive me... im an over-sharer.

Kyselova · October 2013

brownmouse said:

Kyselova said:

brownmouse said:

Kyselova said:

mrstomommy said:

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

For you, I can see your point there. One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.
I get the "breaking vows" thing, it's definitely valid. And maybe the co-workers situation isn't exactly the same thing, but it was definitely.. different. I don't think I'd want to do it. Sit down in front of DH and ask "So... do we want to stay married, or move on?". Uhm...

My husband and I kind of do this. We had a really rough year when DD was born, and came very close to getting divorced because we were not being truly open with each other about our needs and it caused a lot of issues. Since that year, we sit down every six months and talk about how we did, and reassess what things we need to work on in our marriage for the next six months. It's not so much a "do we want to stay married" but more of a "how can we make sure we are both getting what we need so that we can remain happy and still love each other to the fullest." It has helped immesnly in our communication as a couple, and in parenting DD, since those conversations often lead to talking about how we are parenting and how we can do better.

I think that is wonderful When DH and I argue, it's communication, and what you and your DH do sounds like a really good move to making sure, like you said, you both are happy and loving each other to the fullest, instead of getting frustrated with one another. Kudos to you both!

The reason we started this is because arguing became our only form of communication in the hard times that we had. We realized that we werent being fully open with each other about our feelings and it was causing a lot of uneeded hardship because talking about it out of a heated moment is much more productive than yelling at one another during an argument. We honestly could have benefited from couples therapy, but couldn't afford it, so we made our own. The breaking point was me actually packing up the car and leaving him to drive with DD down to my Parents house to stay because we had a (another) huge fight, and my car "broke down" about an hour out of town, leaving me no choice but to call him to come save us. He got there, we talked and the car was totally fine on the way home, so we took it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to leave. That night we sat down and decided on this six month reassessment, and have done it ever six months since. Our relationship has been amazing since then, and we have never been more happy and settled with one another. I highly recommend it.

Edit: I just realized that I just told an internet stranger and drawn out pointless story.. so forgive me... im an over-sharer.

It's far from pointless. You've been married far longer than me, and I love having these posts because I get to hear advice and past experiences from people who've been in the "game" (both parenting and marriage) longer than I. It's something incredibly simple that makes a lot of sense. I'd love to do it in my own marriage

brownmouse · October 2013

Kyselova said:

brownmouse said:

Kyselova said:

brownmouse said:

Kyselova said:

mrstomommy said:

I am personally not a fan of vow renewals. DH and I also had a (very) small wedding. I feel like since we haven't broken our vows there isn't a need to renew them. I don't see anything wrong with them, but not for us.

For you, I can see your point there. One thing I heard a manager I worked for say once, was, every year on their anniversary, they would sit down, and ask each other if they wanted to remain married for the upcoming year. If so, they renewed their vows between the two of them. No celebration, just a private thing in their home. They did that for 20+ years.
I get the "breaking vows" thing, it's definitely valid. And maybe the co-workers situation isn't exactly the same thing, but it was definitely.. different. I don't think I'd want to do it. Sit down in front of DH and ask "So... do we want to stay married, or move on?". Uhm...

My husband and I kind of do this. We had a really rough year when DD was born, and came very close to getting divorced because we were not being truly open with each other about our needs and it caused a lot of issues. Since that year, we sit down every six months and talk about how we did, and reassess what things we need to work on in our marriage for the next six months. It's not so much a "do we want to stay married" but more of a "how can we make sure we are both getting what we need so that we can remain happy and still love each other to the fullest." It has helped immesnly in our communication as a couple, and in parenting DD, since those conversations often lead to talking about how we are parenting and how we can do better.

I think that is wonderful When DH and I argue, it's communication, and what you and your DH do sounds like a really good move to making sure, like you said, you both are happy and loving each other to the fullest, instead of getting frustrated with one another. Kudos to you both!

The reason we started this is because arguing became our only form of communication in the hard times that we had. We realized that we werent being fully open with each other about our feelings and it was causing a lot of uneeded hardship because talking about it out of a heated moment is much more productive than yelling at one another during an argument. We honestly could have benefited from couples therapy, but couldn't afford it, so we made our own. The breaking point was me actually packing up the car and leaving him to drive with DD down to my Parents house to stay because we had a (another) huge fight, and my car "broke down" about an hour out of town, leaving me no choice but to call him to come save us. He got there, we talked and the car was totally fine on the way home, so we took it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to leave. That night we sat down and decided on this six month reassessment, and have done it ever six months since. Our relationship has been amazing since then, and we have never been more happy and settled with one another. I highly recommend it.

Edit: I just realized that I just told an internet stranger and drawn out pointless story.. so forgive me... im an over-sharer.

It's far from pointless. You've been married far longer than me, and I love having these posts because I get to hear advice and past experiences from people who've been in the "game" (both parenting and marriage) longer than I. It's something incredibly simple that makes a lot of sense. I'd love to do it in my own marriage

Honestly, DO IT. We've been together 8 years, married for five (as of the 12th of this month, (AW)) And the last three years since we started this have been 100% better than all the years before. It has been very helpful.

sourapplemartini · October 2013

Stupid bump isn't letting me quote.

"But this is the part that irks me. We live in a country (assuming US) where you can get married legally and spiritually at the same ceremony. The couple should plan the wedding incorporating both. Getting married earlier for benefits is really gross IMO. Military is no exception. Id there is a circumstances where one person doesn't have insurance, then it's up to the couple to either pay for insurance from a third party or live with their choice to be married in a wedding that might not be their "dream" wedding. That doesn't entitle them to a do over. "

In order for my husband to be on my orders for my cross Pacific assignment, we had to be married by a certain time. We married in Vegas, by ourselves, then had a church wedding at home with family 7 months later. I think to say military is no exception is kind of shitty.

sourapplemartini · October 2013

lwoehlk said:

Stupid bump isn't letting me quote.

"But this is the part that irks me. We live in a country (assuming US) where you can get married legally and spiritually at the same ceremony. The couple should plan the wedding incorporating both. Getting married earlier for benefits is really gross IMO. Military is no exception. Id there is a circumstances where one person doesn't have insurance, then it's up to the couple to either pay for insurance from a third party or live with their choice to be married in a wedding that might not be their "dream" wedding. That doesn't entitle them to a do over. "

In order for my husband to be on my orders for my cross Pacific assignment, we had to be married by a certain time. We married in Vegas, by ourselves, then had a church wedding at home with family 7 months later. I think to say military is no exception is kind of shitty.
That was me. Why couldn't you do a church wedding? Did you pretend like your Vegas wedding wasnt your "real" wedding? I really don't mind when people have parties to celebrate after, but having vows and making it a big to do is silly in my opinion. And lying about it is the worst. There is one day that you are married. I do not think military are outside if this. Getting into the military, you know there are chances you get deployed (i have military family members who feel the same way). This idea of redo weddings are relatively new. I don't know of anyone, including my grandparents, that married before being shipped off to WWII or Vietnam that felt like their marriage wasn't real until they had a big party, but had no problems taking the benefits in the mean time. If you didn't parade around pretending like you were still a bride and still had a wedding to plan, I have no problem with your celebration later. But pretending like the day you signed your marriage certificate is not your wedding day is insulting to a lot people and that is what I am trying relay. Again, this is focusing more on PPD than OP's original situation or question.

We had started planning the wedding at home prior to getting married in Vegas. I was in a training program that did not allow me to take time off, so the wedding was planned around Christmas when I knew I'd be able to take leave. I was stationed in CA and our families are in MA so we were having a wedding at home.

You can side eye whatever you'd like, but you know, sweeping generalizations.

ADH0906 · October 2013

@GhostMonkey It's not the celebration that's being side-eyed. It's pretending you are a bride, when you are in fact not a bride. Sometimes life throws us curveballs and it sucks that maybe the big party that was planned doesn't fit into the works any more, but a wedding day is when you get married. I guess for me, that's a full stop. I have a coworker in another office who had just been hired. She was super excited because she could wear her wedding ring while we were out of state...she and her husband had gotten married for whatever benefits, but they were lying to the family about it. She bragged all weekend about the dress her mom had bought her and how excited they were for the "real wedding" and how they hoped they got enough cash to get a honeymoon. I feel sorry for her guests who got to witness pretend vows. I'm sorry if you disagree, but that is childish and selfish behavior and I would be pissed if I found out.

Big parties later with cake? I'll be there.

Milagros315 · October 2013

For fuck's sake. Yes, the US is great because you can have your civil and religious marriage performed all in one go. The US in the exception not the rule, though. Many, if not most, other countries REQUIRE you to be civilly married before the religious wedding (in the Catholic church at least). So what? Every person who has a religious wedding in Latin America or Italy is having a fake wedding with fake vows? They're not REAL brides? Or is it still real and special because the government says it's okay? For many, many people a wedding/marriage involves two steps and the marriage is not finalized until both steps - civil and religious - are completed. I just don't get it - if separate ceremonies can be special for people in other countries, why can't they be meaningful here as well?

I got married in Latin America. Not because I wanted a super special destination wedding, but because that's where my husband is from. The US government is really awesome about giving out travel visas so it made more sense for us to get married in Central America. By law, we were required to be civilly married 60 days before the church ceremony. I'm so glad that our family and friends aren't completely ignorant tool sheds.

Milagros315 · October 2013

NariaDreaming said:
I think there's a huge difference between where it is a cultural norm and the situations where people lie to their families and pretend they're not married, and then hold a pretty pretty princess day later.

I have no problem if someone goes all out with the white dress, ceremony and reception as long as they're honest about the fact that they had a civil ceremony first.

I think it's tacky as hell to lie to the people you supposedly love the most in this world about your marital status so you can play dress up.

Well sure, lying generally sucks. It just seems really petty and juvenile to judge someone over this. I wasn't "playing dress up" because I didn't have a choice, but someone who chooses to have separate ceremonies is a fraud?

I do think that being an adult means accepting that you sometimes have to make difficult decisions and sometimes things don't work out the way that you hoped they would. However, I also think that life sucks sometimes and if you have the option to make the best of it - civil ceremony to quickly secure benefits but still have a big happy religious ceremony later - why the fuck not?

sourapplemartini · October 2013

GhostMonkey said:

NariaDreaming said:

Milagros315 said:

For fuck's sake. Yes, the US is great because you can have your civil and religious marriage performed all in one go. The US in the exception not the rule, though. Many, if not most, other countries REQUIRE you to be civilly married before the religious wedding (in the Catholic church at least). So what? Every person who has a religious wedding in Latin America or Italy is having a fake wedding with fake vows? They're not REAL brides? Or is it still real and special because the government says it's okay? For many, many people a wedding/marriage involves two steps and the marriage is not finalized until both steps - civil and religious - are completed. I just don't get it - if separate ceremonies can be special for people in other countries, why can't they be meaningful here as well?

I got married in Latin America. Not because I wanted a super special destination wedding, but because that's where my husband is from. The US government is really awesome about giving out travel visas so it made more sense for us to get married in Central America. By law, we were required to be civilly married 60 days before the church ceremony. I'm so glad that our family and friends aren't completely ignorant tool sheds.

I think there's a huge difference between where it is a cultural norm and the situations where people lie to their families and pretend they're not married, and then hold a pretty pretty princess day later.

I have no problem if someone goes all out with the white dress, ceremony and reception as long as they're honest about the fact that they had a civil ceremony first.

I think it's tacky as hell to lie to the people you supposedly love the most in this world about your marital status so you can play dress up.

Is lying about it tacky? Sure.

But you and the other person acting like anyone that does this is a complete piece of shit also think they are bad people when they are honest. Maybe they wouldn't lie if people wouldn't treat them like douches for doing something in a way that isn't exactly how you would do it.

Oh, well we didn't lie about it. Our families knew about the ceremony in Vegas-- my ILs sent a bottle of wine to the room afterward. So do I get a pass?

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