Crying over my baby shower... (long)

BooBear1543 · October 2013

I have been debating if I wanted to post this, or not for a few weeks now, so here goes....My baby shower is next weekend and I can't begin to tell you how many tears I have shed over this thing. My hubby and I had a gender reveal party over the summer with both our families, it turned out great with the exception of my family showing up late because they had to go to church. They couldn't miss church and they couldn't leave a tad bit early. Anyway I let that situation go everything else turned out great. Part of the purpose to the gender reveal was since both families were there, they could talk and exchange info as to who wanted to plan the shower. I knew I wanted my cousin to help, because that is what her and her mother does for a living, baby shower, christening, and wedding decor, they even cater and do extravagant cakes. So I introduce my cousin and my in-laws because my in-laws already expressed from day one that they wanted to help plan the shower.This was in July. My only role was to email them the invite list and mail them the inserts for the baby shower. When I communicate with them I email all 3 of them so no one is left out. The week of August 1st, I started registering, I got the inserts from the stores and I mailed them to my cousin with a handwritten note asking her to confirming that she received it. I did not receive a phone call, email or text. My in-laws job was to find a location, which they did. My hubby and his sisters found the location at a good price, because they know the owner and always have family function there and got it for a great price. So they emailed my cousin, about the location and potential date, and my cousin had not responded. So they asked me what do I think they should do, I told them to let me try and contact her and if I cant get in touch with her go ahead and book and send out invites. So I tried to contact my cousin, for about 2 weeks with no luck. It's was now September. So I gave my in-laws the go ahead to do whatever needs to be done. So my in-laws went ahead and ordered invitations and not be rude sent an email to my cousin saying since they havent' heard from her they went ahead and ordered invitations and gave her the details of the shower and location date and time. On September 9th to be exact I get a text from cousin from a number I didn't recognize, saying how mad she is because of the email my in-laws sent her. I told my cousin she had no right to be upset because for over a month practically since the party and when I mailed her the inserts no one has heard from her. At this point she proceeds to copy and paste the email in text and send it to me. I read the email and my in-laws did not say anything rude in the email. What made me upset was that, it was all supposed to be a surprise and she ruined it for me. My cousin proceeds to tell me that she is only doing this for me, and she has no reason to bother keep communication with my in-laws. So I told if she is doing this for me she has to keep in communication with them about the shower or just don't do it all. Meanwhile my husband get home from work and finds doing canvas artwork for the baby's bedroom in tears. He proceeds to ask me what's wrong and I told him what just happened and that I know all the details to the shower and he was upset. He picks up the phone and speaks to my cousin I told him not to be rude, they had their conversation and she apologized to him and basically squashed the issue. My baby shower is next week and my in-laws still have not heard from my cousin.

So on top of all that, my mother is supposed to pay for half the shower (she has no interest in planning it). She agreed to it, it's only right I am her oldest daughter, and carrying her first grandchild. She knew about this from August 1st, end of September and still my hubby or in-laws did not receive any money for the deposit. Hubby and to take the money out of our account and pay the other half, and I told him not to tell his sisters, we took it out of our money cause I know they will be upset if they found our I practically paying for my own shower. My mom keep saying she is going to give us back the money, but who knows it's crazy, we have a baby on the way and we had dip into our savings to pay for our shower.

Due to the issue with my cousin, the invitations went out later than they wanted them too, but atleast they got out. Come to find out no one was RSVPing. Although when my friends would text me or call me they were like how excited they were, but yet no one had RSVP'd. So I told my mother in law that I would go ahead and call them myself and get back to her with the list of who is coming and who is not. She said ok because she really don't know a lot of these people. So I called everyone, and the pretty much said yes, with the exception of my family. 4 members of my family were attending. I have the bigger family than my hubby and so how is it that only four members were attending. They didn't have the excuse of going to church and if they had to work that saturday they had able time to take off, or switch shifts with other coworkers. My grandmother wasn't even going to attend. My baby shower starts at 12:30 and they have to be at work by 3:00 and to them it's impossible to come and say hello and drop their gift off. I mean it's the gesture and thought that counts.

So all these things has added up and it seems like every other week I am in tears. What also has me in tears is that my own family has not called me and asked how I am feeling or if I need anything this entire pregnancy, with the exception my dad who helped build the nursery, my mom, my sis and my cousins. My mom alone has 8 sisters and her mother nearby and not one has them has called me throughout my entire pregnancy to see how I am doing.

They say you shouldn't learn to expect anything, because thats when you will be disappointed. I have always lived by that rule, but I really was expecting my family to get it together since we hadn't had a new baby in the family in over 10years. My hubbies family loves me, the love I receive from them I wish I was getting from my own family and it breaks my heart.

I know this is long but I need to get it off my chest. I guess the only good thing about me finding out the date of the shower is that hubby pulled some strings at my job so I don't have to work that night and I can get up the morning of the shower and get my hair and make up down with my best friend.

I just don't want to cry that day.

shortms6 · October 2013

You have to just let it go. It will be whatever it will be. I'm sure you're disappointed but it is one day of your life and it sounds like there WILL be some people there. Try to enjoy the day and know that the people that are there want to be there and love you. Don't stress out about it--it's just not worth it.

mamashan12 · October 2013

Cliff notes?

BooBear1543 · October 2013

My cousin wanted to plan the baby shower that I why I Introduced them, so they could do it together. My in-laws did reach out to my mother, as well as my husband, and she wasn't responding back too them either. I cry because I want my family to be there for me and they just don't care.

monkeybutt61612 · October 2013

Maybe everyone is baby partied out considering they just went to a gender reveal party?

When you say your mom agreed to pay, does that mean someone asked her to????

Ktrue85 · October 2013

You could have summed this whole thing up for us by just saying,

"Nobody is giving me the shower and/or attention I feel entitled to! I even tried taking over every aspect of the planning and now only a FEW people are coming. Why can't everyone just at least drop off my gifts! I DESERVE MOAAARRR!!!"

ETA: ^^^^ CLIFFNOTES

BooBear1543 · October 2013

Gender reveal party was in July and didn't require gifts... I personally spoke to my mom about the shower and cost before my in laws did because they didn't want to overstep the boundaries.

Krilolo · October 2013

Your cousin should've at least told your in laws she was planning on surprising you. How were they supposed to know?

BooBear1543 · October 2013

crazy4mas9 said:
I couldn't get through that. You have high expectations. No where did I read that your cousin even wanted to participate. You're the one that wanted her involved. Did she even want to be a part of such a process?

Yes she did, she told me she wanted that's why I introduced her and my inlaws.

esf60 · October 2013

tarashea721 said:

shansbury82 said:
Cliff notes?
She wanted cousin to throw shower with in laws,mom paying half. Cousin didn't respond to any messages or calls and in laws planned shower. Cousin got mad and told OP details of shower. Mom didn't pay in laws so OP had to pay them half of shower costs out of savings. Now, only 4 people in her family are coming and she's upset bc they aren't stopping by to drop off a gift. Oh and she's cried a lot.

Thanks for this. So much TL;DR. Baby showers seem to cause so much unnecessary grief...

BooBear1543 · October 2013

Krilolo said:
Your cousin should've at least told your in laws she was planning on surprising you. How were they supposed to know?

Inlaws had emailed my cousin saying it was going to be surprise and such. My cousin disregarded that aspect of the email when she telling my why she was upset!

BeachMommy2B · October 2013

BooBear1543 said:
Gender reveal party was in July and didn't require gifts... I personally spoke to my mom about the shower and cost before my in laws did because they didn't want to overstep the boundaries.

Geez... gift grabby grabberson...

I'm sorry if i'm the only one that feels this way, but the more comments you make, the more bratty you sound. Please get over yourself.

Maybe this is why no one wants to come to your shower.... JMO

SarahF20 · October 2013

I'm confused. Did your cousin ever actually volunteer to throw your shower or offer her help, or did you assume she would since she does that for a living?

ETA: from what I'm reading, it appears you just assumed she would do it.

BooBear1543 · October 2013

BeachMommy2B said:

BooBear1543 said:
Gender reveal party was in July and didn't require gifts... I personally spoke to my mom about the shower and cost before my in laws did because they didn't want to overstep the boundaries.
Geez... gift grabby grabberson...

I'm sorry if i'm the only one that feels this way, but the more comments you make, the more bratty you sound. Please get over yourself.

Maybe this is why no one wants to come to your shower.... JMO

It's not about gifts, it's about my family not coming together, for me to enjoy this day. I don't have to get over myself! I just want my family there!

BooBear1543 · October 2013

SarahF20 said:
I'm confused. Did your cousin ever actually volunteer to throw your shower or offer her help, or did you assume she would since she does that for a living?

ETA: from what I'm reading, it appears you just assumed she would do it.

She did volunteer, I mistakenly left that out!

monkeybutt61612 · October 2013

Did they say why they couldn't make it? Are they close by?

mightymousy · October 2013

You could have summed this whole thing up for us by just saying,

"Nobody is giving me the shower and/or attention I feel entitled to! I even tried taking over every aspect of the planning and now only a FEW people are coming. Why can't everyone just at least drop off my gifts! I DESERVE MOAAARRR!!!"

ETA: ^^^^ CLIFFNOTES

Yup! How exactly does one expect to be surprised by anything to do with their shower if they're getting involved in every aspect of planning it? Honestly if I was your family I may have decided I didn't want to go either with how entitled your acting. You're crying that your family isn't bending over backwards to help you every step of the way when some of us don't even live close to family. My family lives 1500km away, what I'd give for them to be able to SEE my nursery, not build it for me. This baby is yours, it's not their responsibility to help with everything just because you think you're some family princess. It sucks that this shower has caused you stress, I haven't had that, you know why? Because I didn't force my family and friends to plan anything for me. I accepted the fact that a shower is a gift someone gives you and if someone cared enough to plan one they would. If they didn't? Well we budgeted for baby before getting pregnant so we can afford to buy everything ourselves without forcing gifts out of people. You have family and ILs who care and a shower to go to, and by the sounds of it a very loving patient husband, be grateful. Eta:grammar

n8swife · October 2013

I'm confused as to how your cousin ruined the surprise when it sounds like you've been involved since the beginning and paid for part of the shower.

Your cousin clearly didn't want to be involved. You're having a shower. Be thankful for that.

BooBear1543 · October 2013

tarashea721 said:

BooBear1543 said:

crazy4mas9 said:
I couldn't get through that. You have high expectations. No where did I read that your cousin even wanted to participate. You're the one that wanted her involved. Did she even want to be a part of such a process?
Yes she did, she told me she wanted that's why I introduced her and my inlaws.
Hmm that's not what you said.

ETA: "Part of the purpose to the gender reveal was since both families were there, they could talk and exchange info as to who wanted to plan the shower. I knew I wanted my cousin to help, because that is what her and her mother does for a living, baby shower, christening, and wedding decor, they even cater and do extravagant cakes."

I am sorry I should put in there that initially when I told my cousin I was pregnant she did say wanted to help plan the shower!

jy725 · October 2013

I have issues with these two statements:
So on top of all that, my mother is supposed to pay for half the shower (she has no interest in planning it). She agreed to it, it's only right I am her oldest daughter, and carrying her first grandchild.

My baby shower starts at 12:30 and they have to be at work by 3:00 and to them it's impossible to come and say hello and drop their gift off. I mean it's the gesture and thought that counts.

Both sound very entitled. You just can't expect others to provide for you, even if you feel "it's only right."

Sigir · October 2013

I just don't get people who get so involved in their showers. It's like they have exactly what they want in their minds, like they are building it up like their wedding, and if it's not perfect and just so they are destroyed. It's a really bad way to set yourself up for disappointment.

Where you went wrong IMO is when you dictated who you wanted to do your shower, bc that is what they do for a living. I am sure you were thinking, since they do this for a living my shower will be picture perfect for instagramming. Did you ever thing that bc they do this for a living, they don't want to do it for free, on their day off? It's pretty stinky of you to assume they would want to, and pretty much assign them to do it.

Your second mistake was not just stepping out when things started to go awry. If this had happened to me, and my in laws were approaching me that they were not hearing back frm people, I would have my dh handle it and stay out of it. My message would be "I appreciate your gift of a shower. If you are not hearing back from people, I would assume they don't want to participate, and I understand that this may mean that the original shower vision may be scaled down. I don't expect anything, so please only do what you can afford and I am very greatful". And then back out.

Somehow, both my showers were total surprises. One was at a restaurant, one was at a house. Both were so lovely and I was so greatful. I don't get how so many pregnant women are so involved anymore

Op it's too late to change why has already happened, so you need to take a deep breath, a walk, and a prenatal massage. Assume you will never see that money again and let it go. Accept that your family is more stand offish, and seek therapy if you need to. These are really first world problems, and no need for tears.

BooBear1543 · October 2013

mrssturm45 said:
"My grandmother wasn't even going to attend. My baby shower starts at 12:30 and they have to be at work by 3:00 and to them it's impossible to come and say hello and drop their gift off. I mean it's the gesture and thought that counts"
So come and drop a gift off to you? Gift grabby?! I think the issue is that people aren't giving you what you want.

Whatever!

MEP923 · October 2013

Oh my. I don't know what to say. That was way too long to read. To me it sounds like you want a big gender reveal and baby shower and you want everyone to drop their plans for it. Oh yea and to also call you and cater to you because you are pregnant. And if they can't attend your functions, they should at least drop off of a gift. I hate to break it to you but people have life's of their own. No one is as excited about your pregnancy as you and your DH. Be grateful for the shower that is being thrown for you and the people who took time out of their day to come.

BeachMommy2B · October 2013

BooBear1543 said:

"My grandmother wasn't even going to attend. My baby shower starts at 12:30 and they have to be at work by 3:00 and to them it's impossible to come and say hello and drop their gift off. I mean it's the gesture and thought that counts" So come and drop a gift off to you? Gift grabby?! I think the issue is that people aren't giving you what you want.
Whatever!

Krilolo · October 2013

Oops guess I read that wrong

mightymousy · October 2013

BooBear1543 said:

I have been debating if I wanted to post this, or not for a few weeks now, so here goes....My baby shower is next weekend and I can't begin to tell you how many tears I have shed over this thing. My hubby and I had a gender reveal party over the summer with both our families, it turned out great with the exception of my family showing up late because they had to go to church. They couldn't miss church and they couldn't leave a tad bit early. Anyway I let that situation go everything else turned out great. Part of the purpose to the gender reveal was since both families were there, they could talk and exchange info as to who wanted to plan the shower. I knew I wanted my cousin to help, because that is what her and her mother does for a living, baby shower, christening, and wedding decor, they even cater and do extravagant cakes. So I introduce my cousin and my in-laws because my in-laws already expressed from day one that they wanted to help plan the shower.This was in July. My only role was to email them the invite list and mail them the inserts for the baby shower. When I communicate with them I email all 3 of them so no one is left out. The week of August 1st, I started registering, I got the inserts from the stores and I mailed them to my cousin with a handwritten note asking her to confirming that she received it. I did not receive a phone call, email or text. My in-laws job was to find a location, which they did. My hubby and his sisters found the location at a good price, because they know the owner and always have family function there and got it for a great price. So they emailed my cousin, about the location and potential date, and my cousin had not responded. So they asked me what do I think they should do, I told them to let me try and contact her and if I cant get in touch with her go ahead and book and send out invites. So I tried to contact my cousin, for about 2 weeks with no luck. It's was now September. So I gave my in-laws the go ahead to do whatever needs to be done. So my in-laws went ahead and ordered invitations and not be rude sent an email to my cousin saying since they havent' heard from her they went ahead and ordered invitations and gave her the details of the shower and location date and time. On September 9th to be exact I get a text from cousin from a number I didn't recognize, saying how mad she is because of the email my in-laws sent her. I told my cousin she had no right to be upset because for over a month practically since the party and when I mailed her the inserts no one has heard from her. At this point she proceeds to copy and paste the email in text and send it to me. I read the email and my in-laws did not say anything rude in the email. What made me upset was that, it was all supposed to be a surprise and she ruined it for me. My cousin proceeds to tell me that she is only doing this for me, and she has no reason to bother keep communication with my in-laws. So I told if she is doing this for me she has to keep in communication with them about the shower or just don't do it all. Meanwhile my husband get home from work and finds doing canvas artwork for the baby's bedroom in tears. He proceeds to ask me what's wrong and I told him what just happened and that I know all the details to the shower and he was upset. He picks up the phone and speaks to my cousin I told him not to be rude, they had their conversation and she apologized to him and basically squashed the issue. My baby shower is next week and my in-laws still have not heard from my cousin.

So on top of all that, my mother is supposed to pay for half the shower (she has no interest in planning it). She agreed to it, it's only right I am her oldest daughter, and carrying her first grandchild. She knew about this from August 1st, end of September and still my hubby or in-laws did not receive any money for the deposit. Hubby and to take the money out of our account and pay the other half, and I told him not to tell his sisters, we took it out of our money cause I know they will be upset if they found our I practically paying for my own shower. My mom keep saying she is going to give us back the money, but who knows it's crazy, we have a baby on the way and we had dip into our savings to pay for our shower.

Due to the issue with my cousin, the invitations went out later than they wanted them too, but atleast they got out. Come to find out no one was RSVPing. Although when my friends would text me or call me they were like how excited they were, but yet no one had RSVP'd. So I told my mother in law that I would go ahead and call them myself and get back to her with the list of who is coming and who is not. She said ok because she really don't know a lot of these people. So I called everyone, and the pretty much said yes, with the exception of my family. 4 members of my family were attending. I have the bigger family than my hubby and so how is it that only four members were attending. They didn't have the excuse of going to church and if they had to work that saturday they had able time to take off, or switch shifts with other coworkers. My grandmother wasn't even going to attend. My baby shower starts at 12:30 and they have to be at work by 3:00 and to them it's impossible to come and say hello and drop their gift off. I mean it's the gesture and thought that counts.

So all these things has added up and it seems like every other week I am in tears. What also has me in tears is that my own family has not called me and asked how I am feeling or if I need anything this entire pregnancy, with the exception my dad who helped build the nursery, my mom, my sis and my cousins. My mom alone has 8 sisters and her mother nearby and not one has them has called me throughout my entire pregnancy to see how I am doing.

They say you shouldn't learn to expect anything, because thats when you will be disappointed. I have always lived by that rule, but I really was expecting my family to get it together since we hadn't had a new baby in the family in over 10years. My hubbies family loves me, the love I receive from them I wish I was getting from my own family and it breaks my heart.

I know this is long but I need to get it off my chest. I guess the only good thing about me finding out the date of the shower is that hubby pulled some strings at my job so I don't have to work that night and I can get up the morning of the shower and get my hair and make up down with my best friend.

I just don't want to cry that day.

Just incase

lollipoppoop · October 2013

I wouldn't get so involved in the planning. Let your in laws deal with whatever problems come from planning. The whole point is that you are not stressed. My best friend and my sister don't get along but they are planning my shower together and if there is any problem I don't hear about it.

mamashan12 · October 2013

I just don't understand why you are this involved in your shower. The most involved I got in my shower was the guest list, and picking from the two options of invitations that the people throwing it asked me for my opinion on. It's a party being thrown for you and it's not a requirement for ANYONE to attend or send a gift. Be grateful that anyone wants to do any part of it for you. And if you had stayed out of all of it, other than the introductions, you wouldn't be so stressed out.

74dragonfly · October 2013

Having a baby is exciting. However, no one will ever be as excited you and your DH. MOST people don't get calls all the time from family members asking how they are doing. MOST people don't have family members build the nursery. I think you need to seek joy in the fact you are having a baby with the man you love. You cant expect validation/attention/support from others.

One little thing you said is really bugging me. You could not adjust the time of your gender reveal to accommodate church. My Dad is VERY religious. he NEVER EVER misses church. I respect this so I would never plan something at that time, I'd adjust the time slightly to accommodate. It seems like you expect others to be VERY accommodating to you: reschedule work for your baby shower but you cant make the reveal party slightly different time for your family.

thesportsgal · October 2013

BooBear1543 said:

"My grandmother wasn't even going to attend. My baby shower starts at 12:30 and they have to be at work by 3:00 and to them it's impossible to come and say hello and drop their gift off. I mean it's the gesture and thought that counts" So come and drop a gift off to you? Gift grabby?! I think the issue is that people aren't giving you what you want.
Whatever!

SweetPriz · October 2013

Well it's shitty but it's going to be ok just enjoy the day who ever goes be happy and if some fam / people don't go still be thank full and don't hold it agains them things happen .... My bf aunt throwing a shower for me and I'm happy and thankfull of who does go. I know for sure my mom and one of my sisters isn't going and I'm fine with that. They have work and school I'll just get to celebrate with them another day when they have time. I'm sure your fam members are gonna be excited to meet LO

bty19 · October 2013

aww boo bear.

I get you want your family to be more involved, I think the same thing sometimes with my sister - but some people don't see shower's as THAT important. And, you can't request one or say how much you want one (imo) or you come across as entitled and greedy. Which, unfortunately you will get no sympathy for (I am sure you have noticed).

I don't think you should have been involved in calling anyone or paying for anything either.

All you can do now is go, be grateful and try to have fun.

KateVA · October 2013

Oh good god. Human capacity for self-absorption never ceases to amaze me. Try being grateful and have fun.

monkeybutt61612 · October 2013

KFiori1 · October 2013

I somehow managed to read the whole thing, and OP, I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. Some people don't even have showers. Get over it.

Dishylo · October 2013

MEP923 · October 2013

lifesaverz · October 2013

SweetSouthernMomma08 said:

KFiori1 said:

I somehow managed to read the whole thing, and OP, I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. Some people don't even have showers. Get over it.

I was looking for a cookie cake and got distracted by Cookie Monster..You deserve this for reading the whole thing....

omg, this is possibly the cutest cake I've ever seen!!

Empireceo · October 2013

So...you're getting a shower but people aren't as involved as you want them to be and won't rearrange their work schedules to be there or drop off gifts and so you've been crying a lot. You sound lovely and super mature.

zou bisou · October 2013

Can I be tactless and ask how much you paid? I'd like to know what the going rate for a shower like this is. You said it was "a dip into your bank account".

ordinary1 · October 2013

A shower is a gift not an entitlement. Did your mom OFFER to pitch in? If not, she shouldn't be expected or asked (tacky). It sounds like your cousin was told she would help and tried to walk away (tacky to tell her). Your family shouldn't be expected to rearrange their lives for a stinking party! Presents don't equal support and love.

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