Update. Marriage issues

bullybutt · October 2013

Man, I have been here before and I'm going to give you some advice that you might not want to take but here goes. You sound like a little yipper dog that never shuts up (in relation to your husband). You are insecure and should be with his attitude and defensiveness. If there is another woman in the picture, his behavior would seem to go hand in hand with being such a dick and shut off. This would justify his behavior to give attention to Plan B. It's almost like "He Just Not That Into You". If he wants to work on his relationship with you, then he is going to do what it takes to make that happen. He isn't giving you much option to work with, however. I personally think that you should give him the "Go Fuck Yourself" speech. Let him know that you're sick of his manipulation, that you are doing your part and you're sick of trying SO damn hard. Stop trying so damn hard. It's like a sore that you keep picking at and won't let heal. If he's going to cheat, there is nothing that you can do to stop him. Your poking and prodding is just going to push him that much harder. I hate that that's the way it is, and it's really messed up. Stick with the counseling and get yourself together. What's the story that you want to tell your kid one day (hypothetically) on how you handled yourself and your marriage during this time?

silvie25mar · October 2013

You’re absolutely right. Thank you. It’s just so hard to process in your mind with the whole “ if he’s going to do it, he’s going to do it and you can’t stop him” idea. I want to be able to stop him, I’ve become totally insecure- and I know it. His manipulation makes me question myself on if I really am trying to get myself together. It’s so confusing. I want to give him that speech, but I feel like at this moment I’m not prepared for the answer. I play that speech over and over in my head recently… but unfortunately I’m still stuck on getting the reaction I WANT, as opposed to getting the reaction that will probably happen. The other women is just a thought. He is definitely talking to her, but about what… I really don’t know. I shouldn’t be speculating, that could F me up even more. I’ve asked him how he feels, and “he doesn’t know” so I need to focus on that, that is my answer, I can’t prod for something else. I can’t beg, I can’t convince. You’re right… I need to somehow try and figure out how to focus on myself and my daughter. And go from there. I’m just not ready to let go.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

silvie25mar · October 2013

that being said, I think my ultimate question is HOW DO I PULL HIM BACK IN . HOW DO I CHANGE THIS. I don't even know how to act. i know i'm a broken record.

silvie25mar · October 2013

You’re right. Just seems like such a waste of 10 years to have it come to this. We were each others “ soul mates” once upon a time. We had everything. Now we have nothing. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I shouldn’t say he doesn’t want counseling. He has said he doesn’t 100%. But when we had one of our good talks a week or two back, I had suggested maybe we try…or at least maybe he comes with me and just listens in. My therapist said this would eventually have him start talking and be involved. He didn’t say no to that but he didn’t say yes either… I can’t remember what his answer was but in that moment it gave me hope he would try. I brought it up again days later and he said no. Maybe I’ll try again.

Your husband wants a divorce?

silvie25mar · October 2013

well for what it’s worth, my husband always said he would never ever ever cheat. If he did, or wanted to, the relationship would be over immediately. Which brings me back to the problems we are having now. I wouldn’t say they are because of that- that would be too easy. There are lots of stuff going on. I think if he really wanted a divorce, he would do what he said the other night and leave without discussion. He hasn’t left yet because I do believe he does want things to get better…. But is just stuck in a place right now, a crossroads if you may. Doesn’t know IF or WHEN it will get better. I refuse to believe he just gave up. I don’t think I could ever convince him to stay, but the fact that he is here at this moment shows he wants to be. But for how long I don’t know. He keeps saying one day at a time. That’s all I have really. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Don’t get me wrong guys…he is an amazing, great person…was always always good to me. He has just been stuck somewhere in the last few months- and for what it’s worth, I was stuck somewhere for 2 years.

Sigh. I don’t know.

silvie25mar · October 2013

Thank you. I'll def repost updates. THanks for all your time with responses.

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