feel like i'm losing my DH

Tapthathank · October 2013

I feel like he has given up in our relationship. He doesn't want to talk about the issues, he doesn't want to do couples therapy. He doesn't believe a word I say, when I say that I will change. I have been a huge jerk to him, just basically not treating him with respect. We can't afford counseling - even for just me. Money is very tight.

I feel so sick. I don't want to lose him. How can I show him that he is my everything? How can I change me? Any self-therapy tips out there? How can I let the annoyances go and just be nicer to my husband? It shouldn't be this hard!

I've been dealing with PPA, it got better and I went off my meds. We moved into a new house and things are tight with money so I am stressed out and my anxiety is getting the best of me. Literally. I called my doc and I'm going to go back on my medication - low dose of Celexa.

I'm just so sad - he seems as if he has given up on us...on me.

CrazyDaisy8 · October 2013

Aww @Tapthathank, I am so sorry you are going through this! Do you belong to a church? A lot of times they will offer therapy free or at a discount to their members. Besides that, I guess you just have to really show that you are putting in an effort to be with him and be happy. Hopefully he will see and he will try too. It is a marriage so both parties need to work equally hard to make it work and make a healthy relationship. I hope everything works out for you and your husband!

sdlaura · October 2013

If he's given up and doesn't want to do therapy, does he have a solution? Is he planning to leave or just stay unhappy?

I'm sorry you're in this situation - I think more details might be useful for giving advice.

Oh, just saw that you're going back on meds - DH recently started anti-anxiety meds and they have made a huge difference in his ability to tolerate minor annoyances. Was your DH happier with your relationship when you were on the meds?

gollywollypog · October 2013

I'm sorry.

Do you have health insurance? One of the benefits of the health care reform that has already taken effect is that counseling/therepy is now covered, even for "preventative care" like marriage counseling and individual therapy. Even if you don't think you can afford it I would urge you to call your insurance company and find out your co-pay. It might be much more affordable than you think.

Marriage is really, really hard sometimes and it sucks that it has to be that way. I feel you, girlfriend.

Tapthathank · October 2013

@L12541 - I don't think it has come to the point of him leaving. I think that he is sick of having the same conversation, so he doesn't want to have it anymore. So he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't think it will solve anything.

GWP - I do have health insurance, I guess I'm not sure if we could even afford the extra expense of the co-pays. $35/session. That sounds really sad, but we are really trying to tighten our belts and not spend money.... And he doesn't want to do couples therapy - he said he doesn't think it will help.

I am terrible at communicating, I don't talk about things, dont' tell him when I need help or exactly what i need and then it bottles up and spills over and I get annoyed/mad over something stupid.

He says that he is sad and devastated that he doesn't even want to talk about it - that statement scares the shit out of me. I want to fix this overnight, but I know it's going to take some time and a lot of action on my part of just being nicer and more respectful in general.

Marriage is so hard!

sdlaura · October 2013

I just wanted to mention that divorce is way more expensive than $35 co-pays....so if you think counseling would help your marriage, I would encourage you to prioritize spending the money on it.

Tapthathank · October 2013

God, I really hope we aren't even close to thinking about that.

But you're right, good perspective. Thank you.

CourtneyEeps · October 2013

We may be the same person. I am probably nicer to strangers on the street many times than I am to my own husband. I just feel like I have an incredibly short fuse with him when I'm stressed and I tend to take my anxiety out on him. I have a real problem asking for help, so I get overwhelmed and then lash out.

What has helped me is making a list of everything I love about DH. I write down what he does for our family, how he makes me laugh, takes the trash out, etc. I read it every morning. It helps me shift my perspective for the entire day. I start out on a positive note before I have a chance to nitpick him for insignificant things.

I've also started taking time for myself. I find this even more helpful than a date night because it helps me recharge and that's so important.

Big hugs to you! Marriage is an ever-evolving process and it's easy to lose sight of what's important.

sdlaura · October 2013

Tapthathank said:

God, I really hope we aren't even close to thinking about that.
But you're right, good perspective. Thank you.

Yeah, we weren't either, but my DH is super frugal (despite not having a huge need to be), and that's how I framed the discussion about how it's important for us to spend money on date nights and counseling if necessary.

Tapthathank · October 2013

CourtneyEeps said:

We may be the same person. I am probably nicer to strangers on the street many times than I am to my own husband. I just feel like I have an incredibly short fuse with him when I'm stressed and I tend to take my anxiety out on him. I have a real problem asking for help, so I get overwhelmed and then lash out. What has helped me is making a list of everything I love about DH. I write down what he does for our family, how he makes me laugh, takes the trash out, etc. I read it every morning. It helps me shift my perspective for the entire day. I start out on a positive note before I have a chance to nitpick him for insignificant things. I've also started taking time for myself. I find this even more helpful than a date night because it helps me recharge and that's so important. Big hugs to you! Marriage is an ever-evolving process and it's easy to lose sight of what's important.

I think you nailed it - I've lost sight of what's important. Too much focus on DS and not enough on our marriage.

Any tips on how to show him my appreciation, love, importance, etc? I just started making a list of the reasons why I love him - great idea!

CourtneyEeps · October 2013

What makes him tick? For my DH, it's food. He doesn't care if the bathroom falls apart when he just cleaned it or if he has no clean clothes because it just didn't get done, or if I pick every movie for 6 months, but food...that's what speaks to him.

So, I started putting more effort into it. Even something small, like making him a tuna sandwich when he's rushing to get to work makes him feel loved when I'm not so good at saying the words.

He knows what makes me tick is a clean kitchen so he tries to keep it as clean as possible. Pick out a specific thing that he finds meaningful and zone in on it.

vvvvvfee · October 2013

sorry you're going through this! having a baby is really a tough adjustment. i don't think a lot of people talk about it, but it's something that everyone goes through. i have the same issue with tending towards being short and impatient with DH. one thing that has motivated me lately is thinking about what kind of behavior i'm modeling to my son. i don't want him to start copying the things i do when i'm being short and rude with DH! it's really been making me more aware of how i'm acting.

i do agree that therapy might be the way to go. it doesn't have to be an endless commitment- you can make progress even in a few sessions.

i would suggest keeping a daily gratitude journal- just things you appreciate or are grateful for each day, however small. it helps keep you focused on the positive. also meditating, just a couple minutes a day of sitting quietly and focusing on your breathing, to help clear your head.

i also have a couple of book suggestions- check your local library! i have found the following books to be personally helpful:

Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, by Laurie Puhn

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives, by John Gottman

also-
Do One Thing Different: Ten Simple Ways to Change Your Life, by Bill O'Hanlon
this is more of a general self-help book, but it takes an unusual approach to helping you break yourself out of patterns of behavior that you want to change.

BluepointToasted · October 2013

I think you need to do some self-monitoring. I'm at work just taking a break, so if this comes off harsh it is not intended that way. But take inventory of every word that comes out of your mouth before you say it. I think the saying is "Is it true, is it neccessary, is it kind?". This stops me from a lot of nagging. I pick my battles, and have chosen to let a lot of things slide. It is very very difficult. We have recently gotten through an EXTREMELY rough patch, so if you'd like to talk more feel free to PM me.

amaite · October 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this. You've received lots of great advice. Just want to add that if the $35 copayment is too much, I've found that places are frequently willing to work with people.

Tapthathank · October 2013

I've been talking with my DH throughout the day (g-chat), I told him that the therapy wouldn't be daily or even weekly....so he agreed that I should do it, once every 2-3 weeks. I used the $35 co-payment is chepaer than divorce, line.

I scheduled an appointment and I couldn't get in until December 18th....so far away!! But I took the appt. And in the meantime I'm going to look for books and material online. I suggested to DH that we do a little workout routine together in the evenings after DS goes to bed. He loved the idea. Exercise is supposed to help with mood....and he had mentioned earlier in the week that he wished he could workout somehow in the winter without a gym membership, so we are going to do it together.

Thank you all so much for your advice and just listening to me. I will definitely be checking out those books @victoriafree !

AmySmolos · October 2013

We are part of a marriage group at our church and one of the many things that was suggested as an idea is to have a husband day and a wife day every year. I know money is tight but can you think of his favorite things and just really spoil him for a day? I know that doesn't solve the problem but I always think when we take the time to plan his special day it's a way to remember all the good things about him. Then while you two are enjoying your day together you can focus on having fun together and being friends. Don't get me wrong the root of the problem needs adressed but this is just an idea to show him your love, friendship, and how special he is to you.

SJandVA · October 2013

Little late here. You ladies are so smart and have such great advice. I don't really have anything to add. I think the small things can make a big difference. Maybe little love notes left in his bag or on the sink in the mornings.
It sounds hopeful that he is excited about working out together. Maybe you could do some couples yoga, do they make DVD's for that?
This whole parenting and marriage thing is tough!

rp-chicago-mom · October 2013

I have been there. Man have I been there! Listen to these ladies. It sounds like a lot of the same advice they gave me, although it was getting H into therapy for his anxiety and still a lot of work on my part too.

jodegaard · October 2013

Hugs! You've gotten some great advice and I think your plan is a great start!

DaisyHeadMayzie · October 2013

Here's one thing that has been amazing for us....

I bought a cheap 4 x 6 frame and with permanent marker wrote "I love you because..." Whenever I think of a reason, I write it on the frame with a dry erase marker. There have been bad times (short fused, arguments about something stupid, take him for granted), but I try and reassure him by writing a message. IE: I love you because....you tolerate my less than stellar mood some days.

It acknowledges your mistake while still reminding him he's loved. It's cheap, easy, and takes 2 minutes.

DH has written me sweet notes on it as well. It's been a good ego boost for our marriage.

Tapthathank · October 2013

That is a great idea! I love it! Do you just have white paper behind the glass and write on the glass?

allardr · October 2013

I also am horrible asking for help, then blow up over something stupid. I find honestly Alone time helps me more than necessarily us doing something together. DD goes to sleep at 6:30pm and DH gets home at 8pm, that 1.5 hours is like heaven to me. I get to watch tv, surf web, do nothing really but it's soooo nice. Then by the time DH is home I can focus on him, really listen about his day, etc.

So my advice, find some wind down time for you too. Even if it's a nice long bath after putting LO down before you and DH start your night together.

Tapthathank · October 2013

allardr said:

So my advice, find some wind down time for you too. Even if it's a nice long bath after putting LO down before you and DH start your night together.

I miss taking a nice long bath! I need to do this soon!! Thanks for your ideas.

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