Update. Marriage issues

silvie25mar · October 2013

I'm sure some have read my recent post about my husband and I's difficultly in the last two months. He did leave for 4 days, we talked and I guess i convinced him to come back. He doesn't believe a word I say and says I will never change and he wants to separate for a while to work on our friendship and maybe things will change. He doesn't know if he loves me as a wife, only as a person. And that my need to argue and be selfish has taken over. He says that I constantly want to bring up all of this on a daily basis and that is re opening the wound every time and he just can't handle it anymore.

I guess I bring it up for validation. I'm confused that he's lost these feelings. And feel scared. And alone. Just tonight he says that he doesn't know his feelings, he doesn't want to live here, and he doesn't know if things will get better. He didn'teave, and isn't leaving just yet. So I guess there is hope? Maybe he is just so angry and needs to let that go.

Can this be salvaged???? Can he find his love for me again???or should I just give in and accept it's too late. I know nobody knows. But I'm just so overwhelmed. Sad. Hurt. Uncertain. I suffered big from PPD. This was a contributing factor, I neglected him.

I will add couples therapy is out of the question. I am going to therapy myself.

Netty_3 · October 2013

Why is it out of the question? Does hours or your husbands company offer EAP? Maybe you could try and see where it gets you. If you have want it to work you owe it to yourself him and the kids yo at least try.

silvie25mar · October 2013

He doesn't want to. He doesn't believe in it. And he's just so angry at me like it's all my fault. He says I broke him.

daisy662 · October 2013

Not sure I read and/or remember your posts, but I am sorry you are going through this. I am of the mindset that once you have kids, it isn't about you anymore. Good for you for trying to repair your marriage. Your husband has some growing up to do if he is going to leave when you have a baby. I really hope you guys can work it out! Best of luck!

Netty_3 · October 2013

Sorry to hear that. All the best however it goes.

RondackHiker · October 2013

daisy662 said:
Not sure I read and/or remember your posts, but I am sorry you are going through this. I am of the mindset that once you have kids, it isn't about you anymore. Good for you for trying to repair your marriage. Your husband has some growing up to do if he is going to leave when you have a baby. I really hope you guys can work it out! Best of luck!

It's not about them anymore... But you can't make a marriage work if only one of you is trying and an unhealthy marriage will do the kids no good.

It doesn't sound like he's trying right now. He could shape up, but if he doesn't I'd encourage the OP to continue counseling alone and eventually leave if he won't change.

I know no back story or why he thinks she broke him.

financialdiva · October 2013

She had PPD and he thinks she ruined their marriage bc of the way she was acting during that time. In sickness and in health....right?

Anyway, I think he is being selfish. I agree with @daisy622 that he needs to try for the sake of your kids. If after he tries and it doesn't work, I also agree with @rondackhiker that you need to move on for the sake of the kids.

GL and hugs.

Iblamethebeer · October 2013

financialdiva said:

She had PPD and he thinks she ruined their marriage bc of the way she was acting during that time. In sickness and in health....right? Anyway, I think he is being selfish. I agree with @daisy622 that he needs to try for the sake of your kids. If after he tries and it doesn't work, I also agree with @rondackhiker that you need to move on for the sake of the kids. GL and hugs.

Oh emm gee, what an ass. I'm sure your depression was so hard on him. And that damn newborn, stealing all his attention. Poor guy.

I do think if you keep initiating "am I loveable enough for you yet?" conversations, that's probably tiresome for you both and you should stop.

But otherwise I think whether this is salvageable is up to him. You sound like you're doing your part (treating the depression, counseling trying to change bad behavior patterns), but it's not healthy for you to be apologizing to him for having been sick, and you can't be held to a promise to never get sick again, so if those are his terms and he won't go to counseling to see how unrealistic is expectations are...

silvie25mar · October 2013

Well. I think at the moment he is digging deep to all the things I didn't do rather than the things I did do. Hey I'm not perfect, nobody is. I've made some mistakes and I know ive said itin the past that I would do things differently and didn't, I'm scared now. And maybe this is the wake up call I needed. It's funny that he says I'm the super selfish one yet he is the one that seems checked out. He says I broke him becaus of all the arguments I pushed and would never let go. I feel so broken and alone, and just damaged goods. How could your spouse just all of a sudden be unsure if he loves me, maybe he never did at all. He is so clearly checked out and every advance I do like a hug it a kiss or holding hands is forced by him and empty on the other side.

He did say he wanted to try and if he did really feel like he wanted to leave he would be gone with no talk about it. The fact that he did stay maybe shows a little bit of trying ? I don't know. I think it's bc I always bring it up and want to know what he's thinking and want reassurance. Maybe now isn't the right time for that and I need to just give it all time. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to force him to stay either. We've been together 10 years.

LoCarb · October 2013

First, continue to go to individual therapy and sort through your feelings. I feel your H is putting a lot of the blame on you and PPD. I'm sure he has faults too and they may be contributing to the start of an argument?! It takes two ppl to work at a marriage and I'm only reading an effort on your part. I am a firm believer in reconciliation. Communication is key. Whether you decide you need a temporary separation or continue to live together you need to communicate the expectations.

Work on yourself, love yourself, become confident again and make a decision that is right for your family.

Netty_3 · October 2013

Holy...I am so sorry he sounds like a narcissistic...sorry can't think of a PC name...continue working on you.

financialdiva said:
She had PPD and he thinks she ruined their marriage bc of the way she was acting during that time. In sickness and in health....right?

Anyway, I think he is being selfish. I agree with @daisy622 that he needs to try for the sake of your kids. If after he tries and it doesn't work, I also agree with @rondackhiker that you need to move on for the sake of the kids.

GL and hugs.

RondackHiker · October 2013

Guess what, you don't need to be perfect. What did you "not do" that is so bad?

I think he's not giving you nearly enough of a pass for your depression. It is a real illness and a real struggle and having been there... I don't know what the fuck I was saying half the time. More than half the time. I think being unable to let things go is a part of the depression since I was the same late. I would obsess over little things.

I think it'd be best if you talk again. Not about the same things. Tell him you will do your absolute best not to bring up the same question and same fight over and over, but ask him to please stop with the, "you broke me" and the "may not love you" crap. That's not fair or okay.

PPD is not your fault. At all. He needs to stop blaming that on you. If he took how you felt during the depression personally then he needs some help himself. His reaction to your illness isn't your fault. His "feeling broken" is not your fault and if he wants to really try he absolutely must stop blaming everything on you. It's disgusting to blame your spouse and his/her illness for "breaking" you.

I don't see him just being there as trying. Trying is actually DOING something to improve the situation. Is he doing anything to improve things or just going on about how this is your fault and you've changed his love for you?

I'd tell him that he absolutely needs to do counseling with you, and if he thinks he's depressed he needs treatment or he's going to "do" the same thing to you that you "did to him".

Can you make a deal to knock it off with the daily questions and the "you broke me"/"may not love you" bullshit?

emberlee3 · October 2013

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I don't know your backstory. PPD, like other types of depression, is very tough on relationships. You cannot control whether your husband agrees to counseling or is committed to repairing your relationship. You can only control your own actions. Maybe a separation would be helpful to give you some time to focus on healing yourself.

CrawltheWarriorKing · October 2013

silvie25mar said:

He did say he wanted to try and if he did really feel like he wanted to leave he would be gone with no talk about it. The fact that he did stay maybe shows a little bit of trying ?

The fact that he said the above just proves he's selfish. You're supposed to wait around until he decides what he wants? No, you keep going to therapy, get your confidence back, your love for yourself and maybe even for him. You need to get healthy before fixing your relationship.

jschmidt6 · October 2013

OP I don't know your back story either, nor can I say I'm a marriage expert since I've only been a part of one for 2 years. However, when I was in an MBA class I heard something that I will remember forever. The professor pointed out that in American culture we constantly "look for the perfect one" and spend our youth searching for that person - in arranged marriages the couple tries everyday to "be the perfect one" for their spouse. This isn't to say you should not be an individual, but if you wake up everyday and try to think of how you can make your spouse happy that they married you, you're likely to have a successful marriage.

AZ123 · October 2013

I can only go on the facts that you've stated here but I do think your marriage is salvagable and at this point, you personally want to do everything you can to make it work so that if does leave, you can wipe your hands and know that you did the best job that you could and not look back.

#1 Stop fighting and bringing up the past or even what he said to you yesterday. Ask your therapist for cognitive behavior techniques to help you do this. Start a journal and understand what triggers you to argue and "go there". You have a young child at home. You two are still in the worst part of a marraige statistically (new baby is the worst and when the children leave the home is the second worst stage). cut yourself some slack.

#2 Flirt with your husband. Men are simple creatures. Sex it up. The way men feel close to their spouse is through physical contact.

#3 Realize that men's actions speak more than their words. I think he's being harsh to try and send you a message. You need to change immediately. It isn't the PPD from before (so long as you have that under control). He's thinking of how you've been the last 30 days.

#4 PP is correct. Wake up every day and ask yourself how you can make his life better.

#5 Cut yourself some slack. Go out and take some time for yourself and get in touch with your pre-baby early dating self. Find things that will make you laugh. Connect with other women friends who can give you support and help you through this. Don't rely on your husband to fix how you feel right now. Do it from within for yourself.

GL

Karla CS · October 2013

I think eventually you've got to both come to a point where you recognize that the past is the past - there's no changing it, only the ability to learn from it and move on.

It takes both sides to get beyond something like this. He has to be willing to acknowledge and let go of things that happened in the past so that you can continue to grow as a couple. Part of your job is to give him the opportunity to do so.

cecilyandgautam · October 2013

It's great that you're in counseling. Even if he is mentally checked out and not feeling the love, the counseling should help you identify the problematic behaviors you bring to the relationship. Not everyday should be a battle and if you are demanding verbal validation from him everyday, yes it will be a burden on him and make him feel less warmth towards you. It's a vicious cycle and you need to see what you can do to break it for yourself. That dynamic won't work in your marriage or any future relationship you may have.

You say he's not open to counseling. Is he somewhat religious? Some people hold less stigma against speaking to a clergy member and many clergy members do have degrees in family counseling - it's part of their job. There are also denomination specific "Marriage Encounter" retreats and there are also workshop style couples weekends, in which there are presentations on different aspects of communication and then break out discussion with just the couple. The facilitator does not "get in your family business" - it's really just a structured way for you & your spouse to talk things out, with privacy. So if that's your DH's sore point (he doesn't want to open up the family issues to a stranger), then the workshop formats may be better suited for him than the traditional counseling sessions.

But I agree with the others. Continue to work on yourself. I know you're carrying around a lot of hurt that you wan resolved now, but you may need to focus on the relationship's needs first and based on the little that you've shared, it sounds like you need to rediscover your friendship, which is expressed in little things like "how was your day?" and genuinely listening without expecting anything back.

silvie25mar · October 2013

Thank you so much to every bodies posts. I think some of his reactions are selfish yes, and I think it's funny that he calls me the one who is selfish. I think maybe a lot of the past few months are my fault in the sense that I do want to keep feeling the need to talk about stuff if I don't feel loved or wanted. So I keep reaching for that validation which is making him and the situation worse. I guess stepping out of the box and looking in, that would drive anybody crazy. So I understand that part.
I'm not sure it is entirely the PPD that has pushed him away, but it's definitely part even though he is bringing stuff up from way before the baby.

My thing is, I will work on myself. I know in a broken record in saying I'll stop bringing it up and I'll change. When I don't. This time I do want to try BUT.... How will I shake this feeling deep down of " does he really still love me or is he just pretending" without asking. (I'm talking like down the line if we keep working at it) and what if I try and I feel like things are better and normal and he drops the bomb on me that he doesn't love me.

Lastly, he's going away for a week on business in a couple weeks. He says that will be his test on whether he misses me or feels much happier being away from me. Id like to think he will.... But I'm terrified that he won't. I hate the unknown.

Karla CS · October 2013

Love isn't something you determine just by asking. No matter how much he loves you, if you have to ask, nothing he says is going to placate you. Continuing to ASK if he loves you, especially if he's saying he does, and you're asking but do you REALLY love me? has got to be frustrating.

With your children, you're teaching them how love. You say you love them, you ask if they love you. As a parent, your job is to do more than just SAY you love them, but to show it to them in your actions and your behaviors. It's the same way with a relationship. You need to do more than say you love your partner, and they need to do the same.

silvie25mar · October 2013

But how can I do this? I guess I've struggled my whole life with actually being loving and showing my love. This is something I need to figure out. And because I have that problem, getting love from somebody else is a problem for me too. It's a vicious cycle.
I know he can say I love you as much as I want. But does he mean it.
My entire being is changing. I've become sad, depressed, worried and insecure in the relationship. There is one particular person at his work that I've seen on the phone bill he talks to outside work ours. I've never seen him talk to this person, but I know he does. This person is also in a relationship. When I confronted him about it I looked like the insecure wife and he didn't like it at all. He's never been a cheater (I know everybody says that) but he isn't until now. Now why is he secretly talking to this person then? And why couldn't he give me a straight answer other than its work related. I'm sorry but 40 minute work related conversations twice in one weekend, never in front of me and all history deleted is all alarming. And this also pushed him to the edge when I asked. Everybody is allowed friends, I do trust him. But why hide the evidence then? So that I don't see it and create something that isn't there ?? I feel like I've lost trust and every time he goes in early or comes home late or goes to the gym I feel like he's calling this person. Your mind can really play tricks on you. I'm just a mess.

Ps. Last night and this morning he was acting completely friendly and normal. So he is trying to do his part. But I find myself getting insecure and upset if his kiss good bye isn't good enough, or he doesn't look at me. Somebody kick my as s into gear. I need to stop behaving like this.

RondackHiker · October 2013

He's being an ass. His travel in a few weeks will tell if he actually misses you? He says THAT crap and then gets mad you are insecure?

Of course you're fúcking insecure. He hints all the time he's not sure if he loves you and is going to leave .

You need couples counseling. Stat. Why won't he do it?

And all the people saying "just being loving enough to him and be perfect for him and your marriage will work" are missing the fact that marriage takes two.

He's being a dick. You may be annoyingly insecure and struggling with PPD... But really, who expects their spouse to feel secure if you tell them you don't know if you love them?

Did you talk to him? Tell him this isn't an attempt to rehash the regular argument but an attempt to stop it. Admit you are insecure right now because you love him and know he doesn't feel the same. Ask him to please refrain from the "may not miss you/love you" for a week and you will do your best to refrain from asking questions. When you feel insecure, would he be okay if you gave him a hug and got one back, no words?

Also think if this is what YOU want. He's blaming all the issues on you. He's angry at you and saying hurtful things and gets madder when you admit to being insecure. Will YOU miss the daily insecurity when he's gone or will it be a relief?

As far as how to handle future insecurity, that's a question to ask your counselor and the couples counselor you need.

financialdiva · October 2013

I 100% agree with @rondackhiker (again!). He's being an ass. I would be asking my DH the same thing if he treated me the way your H was treating you.

My heart hurts for you so much. I'm so angry at your DH. I really really hope things work out for you.

RondackHiker · October 2013

Oh, and if he wanted to be honest without being mean, he could use a response like, "I want to work things out. We're in a rough patch now but I want to work with you and make things better," which is honest and makes no promises and implies you're in this together.

He may be living with you, but his responses make me, an outsider, think he's on the verge of leaving. I can't imagine how it hurts when you're in the relationship and insecure.

LoCarb · October 2013

Please talk to your therapist about emotional manipulation. I believe you may be a victim.

https://psychopathsandlove.com/covert-emotional-manipulation-tactics/

silvie25mar · October 2013

I agree completely. i'm putting him before me, and I shouldn't be. I believe that he does want to work on it and I'm pretty sure he's indicated it. This is not his normal self. I don't know what the hell has gotten into him. I realize i'm taking alot of the blame, and not standing up for myself. But truthfully, I feel like if I just stay quiet maybe he'll get over it and we can go back to being normal. I feel insecure because of this other person he's talking to. I want answers but can I handle them? i've already gotten enough. He is a very very very stubborn individual, he says i'm worse. But I'd beg to differ. He doesnt' believe in marriage counselling and never really has. I have told him I feel insecure, and i'm acting certain ways because of it.. but when I want to talk about stuff and use being insecure as a reason why, he doesn't believe me. He thinks I have it in me to always want to argue and push and push. And that i'll never change that. Right now I can't argue that i'm not being annoying, bringing stuff up and being insecure. I've lost myself in the midst of this. I feel like I have noone.

I feel like he might be on the verge of leaving. I just don't understand how it got to this? Sunday we said we would wake up and take one day at a time monday on- he was acting pretty normal personality wise but still insn't showing affection. he says that will come with time.

As far as the trip is concerned, I feel like that will be a horrible week because the entire time I will be thinking he is on that trip and that "friend" or "colleague" of his will also be there. Whether she is in a relationship as well or not. She is still there. The fact that that week will give him an indication of his feelings makes me sick. He said he loves me as a person, just is unsure of as a wife or whatever. I just don't know how I can get through this. Thank you guys so much for your ongoign communication and reposts about stuff.

silvie25mar · October 2013

LoCarb said:

Please talk to your therapist about emotional manipulation. I believe you may be a victim.

https://psychopathsandlove.com/covert-emotional-manipulation-tactics/

Yikes. I read that link. Some of it was very harsh, and intense. But I can't deny that SOME of the bullets (not all) are totally whats going on. Yet I can't seem to think that this is something he realizes he is doing.

RondackHiker · October 2013

He's talking to someone else?

Oh, sweetie.

Can you take that week to really think if you want to continue?

mom2be614 · October 2013

I don't know your backstory either, but let me just share that my husband and I had some serious difficulties since our daughter's birth (also depression-related). It took about a year of me going to counseling regularly for him to buy into the idea that couples counseling really could help our marriage. We're in a much better place now. Anyway, as others have said, you can only control yourself, but that doesn't mean all hope is lost.

tig594 · October 2013

I also don't know your whole story but really think you should focus on YOU and your child. You need to start loving yourself. I realize marriage can be difficult and frustrating at times but I think you need to give him some space. He may or may not be being an ass, but working on yourself will eventually bring you to the crossroads of "it's going to work out" or "it isn't going to work out." Either way, you need to know how to make yourself happy, make yourself strong, and get to a point where you will be ok whether it works out or doesn't. I am sure it will be sad for you if it doesn't, but hopefully you'll be in a position where you're stronger and can emotionally deal with whatever road you end up going down.

DiveFrog · October 2013

silvie25mar said:

But how can I do this? I guess I've struggled my whole life with actually being loving and showing my love. This is something I need to figure out. And because I have that problem, getting love from somebody else is a problem for me too. It's a vicious cycle. I know he can say I love you as much as I want. But does he mean it.

Just a general recommendation. Have you ever read about the Love Languages?....I can't remember all of them, but the gist of it is there are different ways people feel loved and show love. It helped DH & I learn to love each other in the best way, because often how you show love, is how YOU would like to be loved, but not necessarily how you spouse feels loved.

For example, when DH and I were dating it was almost immediately obvious to me that one of the reasons I felt loved by him and therefore, reciprocated that love was because he "loved" me through actions. That is how I feel loved. If he takes the trash out, or fixes my car, or unloads the dishwasher, I feel loved. DH can and does tell me he loves me all the time, and I don't dismiss it entirely, but it doesn't give me that "loved" feeling. It makes him feel good to express it to me in words, but to me words don't carry that kind of weight.

Now, I learned pretty quickly that DH is the opposite. He feels love based on verbal feedback/recognition. I could "DO" all the things in the world for him, but if I'm not telling him I love him, and recognizing and thanking him for the actions he takes to make me feel loved than he would think I don't truly love him.

silvie25mar · October 2013

Thank you. You guys are right. i do need to focus on myself. I have good days, I have bad days, and I have really angry days. I do want to get to a stronger place. But sometimes I find it hard to control my actions. He isright in the sense that I do want to pick, I want answers and I want them when I want them. That isn't good and I know that. But now the fact that he has been talkign to this work colleague quite often during this time is really concerning. It is making me feel like that could possibly be swaying his decisions if they have some kind of connection. It's making me skeptical of all his actions and leaving him alone. I guess I need to just let that go? The angry side just wants mt to put him in a corner and just tell him I know he's been takling to this person. But I know it won't do myself any good...maybe in that scenario I really do need to give him the benefit of the doubt that he needs somebody to talk to. But the consistency of the calls just doesn't fit. It's really strange.

Now. My last question is affection- Do I or don't I show it? i.e Kisses hello/bye, hugs, try to be close, or even sex.

I will say that we have done it a few times, and right in the middle he does tend to kind of lose his erection. Not fully, but I can tell it's a little and he's admitted it. But we've always been able to finish it. He's just thatdisconnected i guess?

The other day I said, wanna go upstairs and he said we can try. LIKE WTF?

silvie25mar · October 2013

amercer0 said:

RondackHiker.
I have tons of question:

How come he gets to set the terms of how to heal your relationship and make you perfect? Why instead of focusing on a solution, is he caught up in "who is worse"? Yes you should acknowledge his needs, yes you made mistakes...but his resentment and put downs only make you more insecure and turn this into a cycle. So he thinks you are awful, but you actually want to talk about it and he doesn't want to? Also he keeps throwing old things in your face and constantly making you feel bad. Why isn't he asking what you guys need to do to get you out of your depression? Why isn't he asking himself if he is depressed and needs help?

he says he doesn't know. When I ask what can be done he says I don't know. I say, is this fixable, he says I don't know. One thing he is certain of is that he doesn't want to talk about it anymroe that he is just exausted from it. I get that. I understand and agree.

but also, he doesn't believe one word I say. It's quite funny because i could unless my suspicions on him and he would just get soooo angry and defensive. But yet I can sit here and listen to his. One of these days I want to get the strength to say my peice and be okay with his response, and not be scared he will get up and leave. You're right. He is digging up stuff wayyyyyyyyyy from the past. accusing me that I never showed him love properly. Whcih is almost heartbreaking in itself.

silvie25mar · October 2013

So what are you saying? I should subtly pull away myself and not be so clingy and see what happens?

silvie25mar · October 2013

Thank you so much. I really value your answers. So what happened if you don't mind me asking? did you guys resolve or did you move on? I guess I need to rediscover myself. But I don't even know where to begin, or how to start. I feel like I have noone. Nobody genuine at least.

The funny thing is, this seemed to happen because we had a baby. Not that i would EVER EVER give that up. But if I had of known this would happen, I would have done things differently, maybe worked on us a bit more. Been more prepared, been more positive.

silvie25mar · October 2013

Yeah. I just don't know anymore. Seeing him today just made me angry. Thinking that he's going behind my back talking to somebody else even if it's just as a friend. Even for all this. We got home and saw a bill, realized I forgot to pay my portion. He got so frustrated with me and just wanted to drop the subject. Surprise surprise. I stayed calm and just said everyone makes mistakes. I made one here don't hold me to it there's nothing I can do about it. I put something on our grocery card and he got upset that I did that. Said it should have been on my own card. Wow. According to him it was all the same before.

mslmk11 · October 2013

AZ123 said:

I can only go on the facts that you've stated here but I do think your marriage is salvagable and at this point, you personally want to do everything you can to make it work so that if does leave, you can wipe your hands and know that you did the best job that you could and not look back.
#1 Stop fighting and bringing up the past or even what he said to you yesterday. Ask your therapist for cognitive behavior techniques to help you do this. Start a journal and understand what triggers you to argue and "go there". You have a young child at home. You two are still in the worst part of a marraige statistically (new baby is the worst and when the children leave the home is the second worst stage). cut yourself some slack.
#2 Flirt with your husband. Men are simple creatures. Sex it up. The way men feel close to their spouse is through physical contact.
#3 Realize that men's actions speak more than their words. I think he's being harsh to try and send you a message. You need to change immediately. It isn't the PPD from before (so long as you have that under control). He's thinking of how you've been the last 30 days.
#4 PP is correct. Wake up every day and ask yourself how you can make his life better.
#5 Cut yourself some slack. Go out and take some time for yourself and get in touch with your pre-baby early dating self. Find things that will make you laugh. Connect with other women friends who can give you support and help you through this. Don't rely on your husband to fix how you feel right now. Do it from within for yourself.
GL

I'm sorry that your marriage is struggling especially with a young child. A lot of the other posters have good points. I agree with most of these suggestions. My only thoughts to add is something that my mother told me when I thought I didn't 'love' my (at the time boyfriend who is now DH) anymore, just because I didn't 'feel' the love.

Love is a choice. Initially it's a feeling, infatuation, whatever you want to call it. And it can last a long time, but eventually the "feeling" goes away, and marriage and love are choices and decisions you make in the small and big things you do. I know that takes the fairytale out of Love that American's seem to cling to (another poster mentioned that we keep trying to find the perfect one, but they don't exist. it's the same thought) I really think Disney messed up all girls' emotional balance, but I digress.

Maybe your husband is now experiencing that "I don't "feel" it anymore" phase and thinks that if he doesn't "feel it" he must not love you anymore. I also agree that your marriage is possibly salvagable, but you both do have to work on it. Acknowledge that both of you have contributed in some way to the issue (not saying that your PPD is a fair thing for him to attack - I've never experienced it, so I have nothing I can say about it, but it's not fair that he's blaming everything on that) but your arguing about things over and over again. Each of you piled things on to the heep, and you have to work to uncover it again.

That's great that you're going to counseling on your own, it's important that you have a good sense of yourself, and that you feel confident enough that you'd be able to handle life on your own if your husband decides to leave, but you also don't want to immerse yourself so deep in the counseling and finding yourself, that you again "ignore" him (seems that that was what he was kind of complaining about). I would hope you'd be comfortable enough to share some things from your counseling sessions. If you feel you're making progress, or if there are tips or suggestions you're given to try to help the marriage, share it with him, ask him to help keep you accountable for changes you are committed to making, but he has to do it gently, or that'll just invoke an argument (I speak from experience on that one).

Sorry for the novel, definitely didn't mean to get that chatty, I just kept feeling like there was more to say. Good luck with whatever happens. Last thing I'll say, and I hope it doesn't offend you, but I would also strongly advise praying. Or if you don't believe in prayer, if you know some people who do, they would be happy to pray for you. Prayer is powerful when it's believed in and it can honestly transform lives and marriages.

PseudoMama · October 2013

It is a tough time for a lot of couples (the first couple of years - at least I hope it ends there for my sake!). Do you have other friends with kids? It has helped my husband see that other couples struggle during this time as well, and that it's not just us.

Also, maybe it would be good to try not to focus on it too much. Try to find some fun things for yourself like hobbies or meeting up with friends. Maybe your husband has lost sight of you and only sees the mom version of you (I am saying this from personal experience and should take my own advice).

That sounds really hard though. I wish you have the outcome you envision!

PseudoMama · October 2013

silvie25mar said:

Thank you so much to every bodies posts. I think some of his reactions are selfish yes, and I think it's funny that he calls me the one who is selfish. I think maybe a lot of the past few months are my fault in the sense that I do want to keep feeling the need to talk about stuff if I don't feel loved or wanted. So I keep reaching for that validation which is making him and the situation worse. I guess stepping out of the box and looking in, that would drive anybody crazy. So I understand that part. I'm not sure it is entirely the PPD that has pushed him away, but it's definitely part even though he is bringing stuff up from way before the baby. My thing is, I will work on myself. I know in a broken record in saying I'll stop bringing it up and I'll change. When I don't. This time I do want to try BUT.... How will I shake this feeling deep down of " does he really still love me or is he just pretending" without asking. (I'm talking like down the line if we keep working at it) and what if I try and I feel like things are better and normal and he drops the bomb on me that he doesn't love me. Lastly, he's going away for a week on business in a couple weeks. He says that will be his test on whether he misses me or feels much happier being away from me. Id like to think he will.... But I'm terrified that he won't. I hate the unknown.

I just read this. I would tell DH that you respect his thoughts but this time will be YOUR test on whether or not his shit is still in the house and the locks aren't changed, and if you feel happier with him being out of your life.

Okay, obviously i'm not a marriage counselor. . .but there is no way in he*l that I'd put up with that kind of crap from ANYONE.

RondackHiker · October 2013

You haven't told him you know he talks to another woman?

I'd ask him what they talk about.

silvie25mar · October 2013

You all make great points. I want to try. But honestly, I feel so defeated. He doesn’t believe one word that comes out of my mouth for some reason. He doesn’t see I’m trying, doesn’t think I will try. Finds every little thing to stick to me to allow him to be more and more angry. His I love you’s seem meaningless. But I feel like if I don’t say it, he’ll stop. Or maybe he wants me to say I love you to show him I’m trying. But again, actions speak louder than words I get that. But how can I ACT, towards somebody who is so cold and distant towards me. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

We got into a little fight this morning because he mentioned how much he is sweating at night- I said why don’t you trim your leg hairs then, or are you waiting for when you go away? He said he was waiting. And I said, why don’t you just do it now… it’s not like people are going to be like OH MY GOD… LOOK AT THAT GUY. He got defensive and upset and said “who is people? Why are you keep making hints about people” His examples were me insinuating he lost weight and is exercising for another reason other than himself. Which is fair, he’s always been in an out of the gym and I’m proud he’s lost weight. But the other half of me is thinking, he’s being so angry and defensive because he has something to hide????????? Anyway, he again got mad and said when he said he wanted to drop it I wouldn’t. Well I didn’t drop it because I was confused at why he was getting so upset at trimming his f’in Leg hairs!!!!!!!!??? I called him back and apologized but he was just standoffish, and angry at me. Then said I thought we agreed we wouldn’t do this on work days, and that we wouldn’t talk about this stuff. WTF was I talking about? I just apologized for pushing but that wasn’t good enough. I said I was trying, he said so was he, but like I don’t see his effort, he doesn’t see mine. I feel like every day is getting worse off. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe him not showing love is his way of showing he’s out of love.

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