Having a hard day

Bayberry12 · October 2013

*****My pregnancy and someone else's newborn mentioned****

I have been seeing a lot of posts about Oct. 15 pregnancy and infant loss day, and really feeing the pain of missing my daughter and feeling for all the moms who are missing their children. So, this is an emotional day for me. On top of that the past 2 weeks have been pretty hard for me, I have been slipping backward and really have a hard time getting motivated to get up off the couch and do anything. I had a short period of morning sickness so I blamed my laziness on that, but now I am feeling fine and still have trouble getting my self going. Now, my lack of morning sickness and pretty much all symptoms has me completely convinced that this pregnancy is not going to last. I don't feel pregnant anymore, just like when I had a MC in May.

A family member just had a baby girl in the same hospital I delivered in, and honestly it is very hard to be happy for her when all I feel is hurt that my baby girl died. I blocked her from my news feed a long time ago, but today I just had to look at her timeline. Her baby was the same size as mine, so small at just over 5lbs. To see all the happy family pictures with proud grandparents holding this little baby and reading all comments from our extended family, just sent me over the edge. I have pretty much spent the last hour just crying.

I know I don't post here much anymore, but I really just needed to vent and be sad and angry that a year and a half later it still hurts so much sometimes.

AJCagle82 · October 2013

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I tend to not have a bad day, but a bad several days. Hopefully this time will ease up soon. I hate that you have to go through this. My cousin is due a couple weeks after what was supposed to be my due date. I hate that I avoid her and her pictures, but it is survival mode. We have to do what we need to do to survive and make it another day. Have you talked to your doctor about your concerns? That might make you feel a little better about this pregnancy.

bunnybun4 · October 2013

I am so sorry you are having a rough day and I totally get it. When I hear family members swooning over my baby nephews it really hurts me too. Everything about this process just sucks so bad. ((hugs)) hope you start feeling better soon.

Noethola · October 2013

***Siggy warning***

Oh Bay, sending you lots of hugs! I agree, it is so hard to hear family talking about new babies (or any babies). It can be so hurtful and they dont even know it. I hope this pregnancy continues to go well. As much as I hate to wish it on anyone, may the symptoms all come back to relieve your fears. (Just enough to relieve them, not enough to be awful.) Praying for you and this LO!

Bayberry12 · October 2013

AJCagle82 said:

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I tend to not have a bad day, but a bad several days. Hopefully this time will ease up soon. I hate that you have to go through this. My cousin is due a couple weeks after what was supposed to be my due date. I hate that I avoid her and her pictures, but it is survival mode. We have to do what we need to do to survive and make it another day. Have you talked to your doctor about your concerns? That might make you feel a little better about this pregnancy.

Thanks. I hope my string of bad days ends soon. I haven't talked to my Dr. about my concerns yet. I have had one good ultrasound and my first appointment is next week. I'm still so early it's really just a waiting game.

tuscanbride2007 · October 2013

Oh hon, I just want to give you the biggest hug right now! I am so sorry that you are having a rough time and I understand how you feel. It is super hard to see others being pregnant and so happy! You are in my thoughts!

((HUGS))

Bayberry12 · October 2013

marylaurena said:

I am so sorry you are having a rough day and I totally get it. When I hear family members swooning over my baby nephews it really hurts me too. Everything about this process just sucks so bad. ((hugs)) hope you start feeling better soon.

I know. It really complicates things because we should be swooning over them too. It does suck!

Bayberry12 · October 2013

Noethola said:

***Siggy warning***

Oh Bay, sending you lots of hugs! I agree, it is so hard to hear family talking about new babies (or any babies). It can be so hurtful and they dont even know it. I hope this pregnancy continues to go well. As much as I hate to wish it on anyone, may the symptoms all come back to relieve your fears. (Just enough to relieve them, not enough to be awful.) Praying for you and this LO!

Thank you! I wish it didn't hurt so much, and I feel like most people expect me to be "over" it by now and are actually surprised if I get upset over sometime. Other people just don't get it.

Bayberry12 · October 2013

tuscanbride2007 said:

Oh hon, I just want to give you the biggest hug right now! I am so sorry that you are having a rough time and I understand how you feel. It is super hard to see others being pregnant and so happy! You are in my thoughts!

((HUGS))

Thank you tuscan!

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · October 2013

Aww Bay. I'm sorry hon. Right there with you. Having a rough day today too. Today is the point in my pregnancy where I went into labor with Corbin. That and it being infant loss day make it extra hard. PGAL is rough. Be gentle on yourself. {hugs}

jbranden12 · October 2013

((HUGS)) Bayberry. I will also say that I just started crying right now seeing your signature because I missed that you were PG! It is so hard, and I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but I haven't experienced that yet. Granted, my pregnancy with Anna also ended in a way less than ideal but I still have difficulty around pregnant women and newborn babies. I miss the innocence, the pure joy without the stark reality of fears grounded in experience. For some reason it hurts more when it's family.

I am so glad you had a good ultrasound! I hope your first appointment goes well and I agree that you should be open with your doctor about what's going on. It's her job to work with you to make you as comfortable as possible during this pregnancy!

weddedwife · October 2013

So sorry. I often did the same thing with friends I had blocked on fb. I'd go to their pages and then think "why did I do that to myself??"

Congrats on the new pregnancy! Hope it's very uneventful!!

mingaling2 · October 2013

So sorry it's been rough. I'm right there with you. Solidarity? {{hugs}}

Bayberry12 · October 2013

fluttergirlmoonchild79 said:

Aww Bay. I'm sorry hon. Right there with you. Having a rough day today too. Today is the point in my pregnancy where I went into labor with Corbin. That and it being infant loss day make it extra hard. PGAL is rough. Be gentle on yourself. {hugs}

Hugs to you too! I'll be thinking of you as you approach Corbin's birthday.

Bayberry12 · October 2013

jbranden12 said:

((HUGS)) Bayberry. I will also say that I just started crying right now seeing your signature because I missed that you were PG! It is so hard, and I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but I haven't experienced that yet. Granted, my pregnancy with Anna also ended in a way less than ideal but I still have difficulty around pregnant women and newborn babies. I miss the innocence, the pure joy without the stark reality of fears grounded in experience. For some reason it hurts more when it's family.

I am so glad you had a good ultrasound! I hope your first appointment goes well and I agree that you should be open with your doctor about what's going on. It's her job to work with you to make you as comfortable as possible during this pregnancy!

Thank you. It is hard and I miss the innocence and joy as well. I will be talking to my Dr. about everything, I do find it easy to talk to her. If everything goes well at this appt I feel like I'll be able to take a tiny step forward.

Heatherhah · October 2013

Oh Bay-- First congrats on your pregnancy!!!! I pray it all goes so smoothly for you! Being PGAL is the hardest thing in the world next to losing our babies. I only say that because I was the same way when I had my rainbow. I swore she too would die like Sydney. It is so hard just try to focus on the fact that you are pregnant right now and you have no signs of miscarriage or loss. I took it day by day and week by week. Try to stay busy and do things to keep your mind busy thats what I did.

October 15th is tough and even harder when others are having babies and you are still left missing a baby that isn't here. It sucks. I blocked a few friends who were pregnant and didnt unblock for a while. Protect your heart and your mind during this time in your life. You can do it for sure. Look at all that you have been through , you are a strong woman and mother.

Hugs my friend!!

Heather

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