UPDATE: Tell me I did the right thing - telling infertile friend about the baby. Long

BiggerinRealLife · October 2013

So I emailed my friend and her husband tonight about the baby. She and her DH have been trying for six years, and based on a long ago thread about telling infertile friends I decided to go with email over face to face. She's told me about having to act happy for friends in person before, and how it was torture. I told her in the email that I didn't expect a response, but I'm super nervous about what I wrote being received in the spirit I meant it - love and compassion for where they're at. And I knew you ladies would be straight with me, and tell me if I was successful or if what I wrote was unintentionally hurtful or insensitive. Thanks in advance.

"Hi D & B,

I have some news that I wanted to share with you before we did an announcement on Sunday. We're expecting a baby; I'm about 12 weeks along. I wanted to say something when we were talking about the gym, D, because I've been told to keep off of our crazy yoga for the time being, but it was really new at that point and we had decided to keep quiet about it until I was farther along.

I wanted to tell you both this news personally, but really, really didn't want you to feel like you had to be happy for us right away - or feel anything other than whatever you need to feel right now - and I thought that the space of email would do that better than in person. I know we have the wedding on Saturday, so we'll see you then, but we wanted you to know what we don't want you to feel like you have to respond to this right now, or in a week, or ever if you don't want to. And if you want to, then I'm all for that, too. Really, whatever you want. We're not going to say anything at the wedding as it is so that we don't steal thunder from the newlywed's day, so won't be talking about it then, and I can't wait to see you both. But absolutely no pressure, seriously. We love you both so much, and your friendship means the world to us. Even though we haven't said it in awhile, we support you two, and I pray for you all the time.

Anyway, that's my news. I'm really praying you both get good news soon as well.

Lots of love,
Christy"

***UPDATE***

I just got this back from my friend. It made me cry. I did NOT expect a response so soon!

"Hi Christy!

Wow that's fantastic news and congratulations! Of course we are happy for you and A. We will be praying for a healthy pregancy and baby. These next few months are going to be exciting and we're here if you need any help or support.

Love,

Katiecave · October 2013

Sounds good to me. Hope she takes the news okay. I think she'll appreciate your gesture.

Sisimama10 · October 2013

Sounds really loving and thoughtful.

avidkeo · October 2013

I cried reading that, so thoughtful, caring and just lovely!!! enjoy the wedding, and I hope it goes well with your friend!

thomas930 · October 2013

I think its very thoughtful and caring.

emanresu14 · October 2013

Very thoughtful. I wish more people had tact like that! The thing that hurts infertiles is when people keep their news to themselves because they don't know how to tell. Clearly you have avoided that, and kudos to you for doing so. I would much rather be told this way or over the phone. Takes the pressure away! Great job.

katieharpiceland · October 2013

You're a good friend :-)

prettyinpink84 · October 2013

Yes I liked it. Straight forward and honest. Good job :-) hopefully it will be well received good luck!

harleychic726 · October 2013

I liked it. Very well said and I hope she takes it how it was intended.

deidremaria · October 2013

I think it was very thoughtful. It felt genuine. I hope she receives it the way we did.

juniper75 · October 2013

I think you did the right thing. We went through some fertility issues when trying for DD and as much as it was hard watching everyone around me get pregnant it was equally hard when I found out that people hid their pregnancy from me trying to be supportive.

Good for you for being upfront and considerate

MamaFantastic · October 2013

i think that sounds marvelous - caring, aware and sensitive. exactly what you wanted

NoleFan4 · October 2013

Great job!!

porterlove525 · October 2013

Perfect. I think it's perfect. It came off very sweet and thoughtful and it gives your friends time to process and adjust to the news in private and react how they need to. I'm sure your note will not be ill received. You are a great friend.

MaglioMomma · October 2013

Teared up reading that. You are a wonderful, sensitive friend

samjen2010 · October 2013

Well said. (sniff, sniff)

megs3084 · October 2013

As someone that dealt w years of IF and 3ivfs before this bfp, I think you handled the situation well. Thank you for being so sensitive of their needs!

Marusika · October 2013

That`s a good message.

I`m sorry your friends ate TTC for 6 years already

that`s heartbreaking. We waited 2 years until I got pregnant with our angel baby girl, and i felt like it`s never gonna happen..I can`t imagime how is it to wait 6 years..devastating.

I hope they`ll be blessed soon with a baby

RocksInTheWater · October 2013

Your message was very caring and genuine. You are a great friend.

AcaAwkward · October 2013

Perfect! Seriously, well done!

*sparky* · October 2013

I think you handled it very well.

SIR12 · October 2013

I have received many an email like this, I think what you wrote is great ~ expect for the last part ~ I'm really praying you both get good news soon as well. That would rake me the wrong way, and like a bit of a stab. I would have left as that is the news, see you both on Saturday. But maybe I am just over sensitive to the issue.

J&NL · October 2013

Well done.

Asheebeth · October 2013

I think you did a great job!!

Sarahjess06 · October 2013

I think that was amazing! I'm tearing up and I don't even know them!

Rogue237 · October 2013

I think it was very well put and thoughtful

LittleLady77 · October 2013

That was really well done. I'm another long time infertile and I would have really appreciated this. All pregnancy announcements HURT but close friends are way worse. You just feel like you are being left behind and so segregated. This clearly shows you care.

Avion22 · October 2013

I think you nailed it. You're a good friend.

BiggerinRealLife · October 2013

Whew. Thanks ladies. Can't tell you what a releif it was to wake up and read that you all would have taken it well. I always get great advice and support here, and value all of your perspectives. You are awesome women. Thank you.

@SIR12 You brought up a great point, and I hesitated a long time putting that last part in, too. In the end I decided to leave it because it's something I've said to her before many times. We go to church together and it's been over a year since we talked about babies, but there were many a tipsy girls night where we cried over this and I prayed for her. I'm sure this will hurt either way, and I can just hope now that she hears that last bit the way she did before I turned to the dark side and got pregnant. Thank you for your perspective. I'm glad you're on here now.

bingbongsmama · October 2013

Really lovely.

BiggerinRealLife · October 2013

Thanks for the support ladies! I didn't expect to hear back from her so soon, but she really is a "put on a brave face" sort of gal. I'm still not planning to bring it up unless she asks, and definitely will not be complaining about symptoms around her. Any other things I should know to be sensitive to when we hang out?

figgs0831 · October 2013

I think this was a perfect email. I wish there were more people who were sensitive to other's infertility.

And... I'm so glad she responded!!!!!

BeeBee08 · October 2013

She obviously really appreciated the email, and her response reflects how sensitive you were. And you're right to think about the fact that she's a "put on a brave face" kind of girl. While her email is sincere, she is probably still hurting a little bit (not because of you, but for herself). So, to answer your next question about ways to continue being sensitive, I think the #1 thing is please please don't ever complain about your pregnancy to her. Even if you have just puked your brains out, she's not the person to go to for support. I would probably wait for her to bring up your pregnancy before you talk about it. And when she does, still be positive. I think something "fertiles" do (and please excuse the categorization!) is emphasize the negative aspects of having a baby because they think it will be less hurtful to their infertile friends, when in fact, the opposite is true. For an interftile, the only thing that makes the fight worth while is hearing about other people's happiness (when she can handle it). A friend that downplays the joy of her pregnancy when asked about it, comes across as undeserving to someone who would gladly experience every negative pregnancy symptom for the rest of her life if it meant she could have a baby too. Does that make sense? And this is just my opinion.

But you really are being very sensitive. Thank you for that!

BiggerinRealLife · October 2013

@BeeBee08 It makes perfect sense, and I really appreciate your advice! I'd heard to never complain about pregnancy, so was planning on not doing that, and not bringing it up unless she asks. I know they will be there for us, but so will a lot of people, so I don't need her to be my go-to anything, and will let her take the lead on how involved she wants to be. Thanks again!

dalzie86 · October 2013

Your email is beautiful!

Laroo0220 · October 2013

Wow that was really well written. Coming from someone who struggled with infertility and a miscarriage while my bf got pregnant completely unplanned, I would have really appreciated this. I tried to be happy for her but it was really hard. Nice job!!

ream02 · October 2013

First, I think your email was very heartfelt and from the right place. Second, your friend rocks! Not every infertile is so supportive of their friends that are able to get pregnant more easily.

BiggerinRealLife · October 2013

ream02 said:
First, I think your email was very heartfelt and from the right place. Second, your friend rocks! Not every infertile is so supportive of their friends that are able to get pregnant more easily.

I totally agree, she's the best. I know, just knowing her, that she is definitely putting on a brave face, but I think it's just beyond amazing that she would answer back so soon and be so awesome. We've been friends for years, and have had our times of closeness and being further away, but I'm so glad she's in my life.

baileymama3 · October 2013

Well this made me cry- both your sensitivity and her response. It's a hard position to be in. Hopefully her prayers will be answered soon.

TheatreStar86 · October 2013

BiggerinRealLife said:

Thanks for the support ladies! I didn't expect to hear back from her so soon, but she really is a "put on a brave face" sort of gal. I'm still not planning to bring it up unless she asks, and definitely will not be complaining about symptoms around her. Any other things I should know to be sensitive to when we hang out?

I think your letter is AWESOME. I had a friend tell me by email and it made me feel like crap b/c it was written with a lot less awareness in mind.

From my experience with losses and TTCAL to be aware that there might be days where seeing your belly are too much for her. I can't think of anything else that you haven't already said you know to be aware of. Maybe just keep the hoping for good wishes thing to a minimum now (totally makes sense why you said it originally), but that way she doesn't feel pressured. That sort of thing made me feel stressed.

Your friend is really lucky to have someone so considerate.

RebeccaY1 · October 2013

I agree with a previous post that saying anything about hoping that they receive good news soon might be taken the wrong way. I think the rest of the email is fine though.

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