Sh*t My Husband Says ...

ashtownyeah · October 2013

DH is sick and has a fever. He just took his temp and proclaimed: "Oh my god, I think I'm ovulating! My temperature is so high I'm going to get crosshairs!" LOL What are some of the crazy, funny, obnoxious, annoying things your husbands have said about TTC?

WolFox · October 2013

"OMG, honey! Come here and take a look at this shit I just took!"

WolFox · October 2013

Oh, sorry, that's not TTC related... but I'm leaving it...

seventhumbs · October 2013

Tonight my husband asked me what it felt like to have something in my vagina.

Like... How do you describe that to someone without a vagina?

pearlsandcurls84 · October 2013

Our first time trying, DH asked the day after if I was pregnant. He thought I could just pee on a stick and know right away. Dumb.

WolFox · October 2013

seventhumbs said:

Tonight my husband asked me what it felt like to have something in my vagina. Like... How do you describe that to someone without a vagina?

The only analogies I have would be about taking a very satisfying, perfect poo... but in and out... but that's gross to think of that and my beautiful vagina at the same time...

seventhumbs · October 2013

WolFox said:

seventhumbs said:

Tonight my husband asked me what it felt like to have something in my vagina.

Like... How do you describe that to someone without a vagina?

The only analogies I have would be about taking a very satisfying, perfect poo... but in and out... but that's gross to think of that and my beautiful vagina at the same time...

--------
What I ended up saying was, imagine if you had no taste buds, and your mouth was as sensitive as your dick...and someone shoved a Popsicle in there.

It was a strange conversation.

Daisylola11 · October 2013

I told SO about the lady who tasted her CM to figure out what kind it was lol..... so every once in a while he'll ask if I remembered to taste my CM, and what flavor it is that day hahaha TMI perhaps?

victoria+james · October 2013

pearlsandcurls84 said:
Our first time trying, DH asked the day after if I was pregnant. He thought I could just pee on a stick and know right away. Dumb.

DH did this to me too. He doesn't understand the 2ww at all.

ashtownyeah · October 2013

I told SO about the lady who tasted her CM to figure out what kind it was lol..... so every once in a while he'll ask if I remembered to taste my CM, and what flavor it is that day hahaha TMI perhaps?

Wow. I missed this gem ... Someone posted that they TASTED their CM?! What the actual fuck.

Daisylola11 · October 2013

ashtownyeah said:

I told SO about the lady who tasted her CM to figure out what kind it was lol..... so every once in a while he'll ask if I remembered to taste my CM, and what flavor it is that day hahaha TMI perhaps?
Wow. I missed this gem ... Someone posted that they TASTED their CM?! What the actual fuck.

Oh yes someone did! Haha and she was dead serious about it

ashtownyeah · October 2013

victoria+james said:

Our first time trying, DH asked the day after if I was pregnant. He thought I could just pee on a stick and know right away. Dumb.
DH did this to me too. He doesn't understand the 2ww at all.

My DH didn't understand that you can only get pregnant during O. He thought it could happen at any time. I blame high school sex ed. They made it seem so easy!

victoria+james · October 2013

When we were doing ED this cycle, DH asked if I could "please O" because he (we) wanted a break from ED.

Which reminds me... if you ride a unicorn to the end of the rainbow you can O on command. Seriously though!

yurmom · October 2013

DH always asks if I got my "P" because apparently the word period is taboo in this house.

Daisylola11 · October 2013

dlsexton said:

DH always asks if I got my "P" because apparently the word period is taboo in this house.

Ha! Mine calls it girlies...

lmdonnel · October 2013

Daisylola11 said:

dlsexton said:

DH always asks if I got my "P" because apparently the word period is taboo in this house.

Ha! Mine calls it girlies...

LOL Mine always just says "have you started.... you know..??" It's like he would be less of a man if he actually PERIOD.

Neighner20 · October 2013

He has dubbed my thermometer the 'vag tracker 5000'.

pjaimeal · October 2013

"doesn't matter how hot a chick is, there is always a guy that's sick of boning her"

lebradford · October 2013

victoria+james said:
When we were doing ED this cycle, DH asked if I could "please O" because he (we) wanted a break from ED.

Which reminds me... if you ride a unicorn to the end of the rainbow you can O on command. Seriously though!

::Goes on a unicorn hunt::

ChickadDeedee · October 2013

Today DH was concerned that the sperm was going to "fall out" and not get to where they needed since I was on top.

pearlsandcurls84 · October 2013

ChickadDeedee said:
Today DH was concerned that the sperm was going to "fall out" and not get to where they needed since I was on top.

Ugh. I just had the same conversation with DH! Where do they get there information from?! Actually in this case I know, his friend told him his wife always kept her legs in the air after sex (to avoid any sperm from escaping of course). This friend also took a suppository orally, when I pointed that out I think he got my point.

jenandtim828 · October 2013

My H compared the Bump to his golf site saying "sounds like when people ask on your baby website weird questions it's like when people ask on my goldfsite what kind of clubs they need. I don't know you, I don't know what clubs you need. Is that the same as your baby board? ". Lol I told him he pretty much nailed it as far as people who ask Am I pregnant. Edit: I am BWI needed to fix words

Kyselova · October 2013

Stephanietuttle1024 said:

My fiancée thinks it's completely necessary to pee on sticks with me for moral support. Which if that isn't bad enough, he only will pee on name brand tests. He thinks the cheap ones don't work. He's weird.

XD

britneyfaye · October 2013

My H has now titled the beginning of each new cycle "operation ovulation" because it appears I may be having anovulatory cycles (yes, I'm temping).

[Deleted User] · October 2013

When I gave DH his SA paperwork:

DH: What?!
Me: Sorry babe, it shouldn't be that bad.
DH: There is nothing wrong with me *points down*. It's you *points at my vagina* (sad, but true)
Me: -_- (dafuq?)
DH: Seriously! No one in my family has a problem. I'm fine!
Me: Even if you are fine, at least you get to have an orgasm. I'd trade you any day.
DH: *pouts*

He is usually really supportive with all of this, but the SA news turned him into a big sissy.

The whole conversation was actually pretty hilarious. He still has no idea that I recorded it on my phone

- not to be shared with others, of course.

BadBishop · October 2013

I caught DH in the kitchen making popcorn the other night at the microwave, doing this weird dance and chanting some little song over and over that I couldn't make out.

When I asked him what he was doing he said he was singing, "Babymaking popcorn! Babymaking popcorn!" because the last time we got pregnant he ate popcorn before we got down to it.

Venus04 · October 2013

Husband this morning after the BD: "You know what you need? Those ankle things so you can hang upside down. That's how you get pregnant! You wouldn't water a plant on it's side, right? You got to get the water where it needs to be."

Idiot.

ksuRN09 · October 2013

ashtownyeah said:

DH is sick and has a fever. He just took his temp and proclaimed: "Oh my god, I think I'm ovulating! My temperature is so high I'm going to get crosshairs!" LOL What are some of the crazy, funny, obnoxious, annoying things your husbands have said about TTC?

Omg, I just spit Diet Pepsi everywhere reading that! Lol that is hilarious!

nykky779 · October 2013

Tmi:
We recently just started and everytime we have sex he keeps his penis in for a few minutes afterwards....he says it is to make sure none "spills" out!!!

dsp2013 · October 2013

H always asks if I can feel how big his "load" was. He says he needs to make sure enough is getting in there, and since he can't see it he needs to know how big it felt.

Men are strange.

tealowl · October 2013

NotElsie said:

When I gave DH his SA paperwork:

DH: What?!
Me: Sorry babe, it shouldn't be that bad.
DH: There is nothing wrong with me *points down*. It's you *points at my vagina* (sad, but true)
Me: -_- (dafuq?)
DH: Seriously! No one in my family has a problem. I'm fine!
Me: Even if you are fine, at least you get to have an orgasm. I'd trade you any day.
DH: *pouts*

He is usually really supportive with all of this, but the SA news turned him into a big sissy.

The whole conversation was actually pretty hilarious. He still has no idea that I recorded it on my phone - not to be shared with others, of course.

@notelsie - I want to hear this conversation sooooooo bad.

kaylamarie16 · October 2013

Hahaha reading these seriously made my day LOL. I can't think of anything my husband has said yet about TTC except for that he also, like many of your DHs, does not understand how ovulation works and how it must be timed perfectly. He's catching on though. Oh, men....

GirlOnTheBeach · October 2013

After BD, hubby asked if I was going to go take a test and see "if it worked." I told him we would have to wait at least 2 weeks and he said, "2 WEEKS?!?!" He thought it was an instant kind of thing :-)

kdhuling · October 2013

You know that Britney Spear's song Womanizer... Well my husband changed the lyrics to periodizing and sings it when I tell him I'm on my period. "Periodizing, periodizing you're a periodizing baby, you you you are you you are...." I won't go on I'm sure you can get the picture.

chaysefaith · October 2013

nykky779 said:
Tmi:
We recently just started and everytime we have sex he keeps his penis in for a few minutes afterwards....he says it is to make sure none "spills" out!!!

Mine counts backwards from 5 before he pulls out so I can be prepared and make sure none of it "leaks out."

Tribany1 · October 2013

Every time I get mad or sad- "you MUST be pregnant"

Ugh....pisses me off

BlackBooks · October 2013

dsp2013 said:

H always asks if I can feel how big his "load" was. He says he needs to make sure enough is getting in there, and since he can't see it he needs to know how big it felt.

Men are strange.

My hubs is really interested in the quantity that he can produce. Apparently, developing the ability to jizz out thick ropes all porno style is on his on his short term goals list.

janda426 · October 2013

Ok not related to TTC but The other night in his sleep, he said " don't look under there. The things under the bed... They're walking. I can't even describe it. You won't understand. It's not Dakota (our dog), but close...."

0_0

AnnaleighR · October 2013

My DH told me not tell him when I am ovulating because it was "too much like work then". I was like seriously? What's so hard about having sex??? Weirdo

TravelingCouple · October 2013

hahah this thread is hilarious, DHs are so cute.

I've found myself using TB acronyms with DH because, well, I'm a dork. So recently when I told him I hadn't O'd yet he said "So we should go H-I-O?" I snort laughed and then we went and HIO'd.

pjaimeal · October 2013

Venus04 said:

Husband this morning after the BD: "You know what you need? Those ankle things so you can hang upside down. That's how you get pregnant! You wouldn't water a plant on it's side, right? You got to get the water where it needs to be." Idiot.

I totally have one of these. I am going to run and use it right after me and DH do the BD and see what his reaction is....

All kidding aside, it is amazing. Hanging upside down is pretty awesome.

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