In the newborn stage (and beyond really), should your DH be off the hook

CousinVicki · October 2013

with nighttime help?

i see many of you have posted that past a couple of weeks, you take over full time at night since your husband has to work. aren't you getting your as.s kicked during the day just as much,i mean if you want to be honest here? my husband helped with my first in the middle of the night with changing diapers, swaddling, getting back to sleep after i BF'd. i was exhausted and even getting an extra 15 mins of sleep was a lifesaver for me. my being up every 2 hours for sometimes AN HOUR AT A TIME was not as brutal as him waking up for 15 to do this extra bit of work.

anyway, yes he went to work, but i was crawling through my nights and days too, so neither of us expected him to just "get a full nights sleep" every single night because i was 'lounging around' at home. of course as the baby got older, it got easier and we both got more sleep, and i would take over more nighttime stuff exclusively, but even to this day, we still take shifts if my son is sick, etc..

What do you do/ think about this?

Jalee85 · October 2013

FTM, here but I am hoping to do most of the night stuff. DH drives a semi truck for a living, and I don't want him on the roads sleep deprived. However, I don't know if it will actually work out.

EmJ&B · October 2013

"off the hook" . . . no. I didn't climb up on top of myself and get pregnant.

But. I'm hoping to only wake him if I really need him and I know that he wouldn't have any object if I wanted to split the nighttime activities evenly. But the reality is that when I'm on maternity leave, it would be better for him to sleep if he can. Dh works construction and being tired is more than just annoying - it's dangerous.

Amberleigh23 · October 2013

We rotated - 50/50. As far as we were concerned work was a vacation compared to being home with our DD when she was a newborn (colic).

jorkz821 · October 2013

I did it all the first time around. I could nap during the day when baby napped. (Or at least in theory bc she never napped longer than 45 min). No sense both of us being zombie exhausted at the same time was my thinking.

Not sure how it'll play out this time but since DD will stay in daycare till the end of Nov, it will probably work out the same.

Sdeux · October 2013

I think my husband will be and wants to be a team player. Plus he can always fall back asleep way quicker then I can. I think it will be trial and error. He works with natural gas so I don't want him too sleep deprived at the same time but I wouldn't want him to miss out on the whole experience.

mancila60 · October 2013

It's been mostly H since we came home from the hospital. Post csection has been rough for middle of the night times. H is now back at work and while I should be taking over he hasn't let me yet and my hearing is so bad I almost never hear LO cry. H won't wake me he lets me sleep so I haven't agrued too much. I don't think they should be off the hook I just think as long as he is working and I'm not, I should do a little more than him but he still needs to get up and help as much as possible. H also works construction and walks on stilts so he at least needs a couple hours of sleep.

vvg28 · October 2013

DH works in a control room overseeing dangerous chemicals in a reactor - 12 hour shifts at a time. So when he is working and I am not, I will do the night duty. However, he works a four on four off rotation. On those days off, I expect him to chip in. And of course, when I go back to work, it will be different too.

kelle017 · October 2013

I have only been home one night, but even the last night in the hospital I tried to do as much.

I did have a c-section, but dh can't take time off of work and since I don't have a job (ended at the end of summer) he needs to work.

He stays up until midnight most nights anyway, so last night I laid down about 10pm and rested while he just hung out with her until she got fussy and needed to be feed.

It worked out. I got a little rest and he got some good bonding time with her.

AdelynnsMom · October 2013

With my first, DH and split shifts and he was awesome about it. With my second, I wasn't working and was BFing baby and co sleeping, so I did 95%. If I woke him up to do something he certainly wouldn't complain, but he was better at helping with DD1 at that point. This time I plan to assign him DD1 and DD2 and I'll handle all things newborn

PixiesDust · October 2013

DH has been awesome at helping out at night with DD. I never intended to ask for his help but he happily volunteers to get up after I've finished breast feeding and try to get her back to sleep. He's also been getting up after her early morning feeding (6-7AM ish) and letting me sleep in until she wants to eat again (usually 9-10AM). I do worry about what will happen when he goes back to work but he's been such a hands on dad that i have no doubt he will continue to help in whatever way he can.

sfshorter · October 2013

DH is more than willing to help and has said he will be getting up to get baby and change diapers, but like some PP's, he works 12 hour days with power tools then has a commute home. Just the fact that I don't have to expend the energy to get up, dressed and out of the house those first few weeks will be a lifesaver for me.

I did learn the value of actually sleeping when baby does after exhausting myself for weeks with DD, so I'll definitely be in pajamas and napping with baby during the day. Plus, I'm nursing so I will need to be up with the baby anyways. The PnP is in our room, so I'm sure we will both be up on and off throughout the night whether we both actually get out of bed or not.

tmccord21 · October 2013

I think I'm screwed. H sleeps like a log. He NEVER hears the dogs cry when they need out in the middle of the night. Although they have quit this and just wake me up at the ass crack of dawn now. The baby will be rooming with us for the 1st 4 months or so. We'll see if he even twitches when the baby cries. Might be faster for me to take care of the baby the to wake his ass.

kellyk17 · October 2013

We are going as much 50/50 as possible, though this first week she seems to like me way more which makes it a little harder. But overall DH was helping as much as possible. He mostly offers and if not I wake him up and hand him the baby.

SnoopyLuv · October 2013

Our plan is to do shifts, I will go to bed early and DH will do the bottle (after 3-4 weeks) for that feed. That will probably be 8-10 pm sometime . Then I will be up during the night but after a good nap. We plan on bedsharing and with DD1 our best stretch of sleep was after DH went to work until noonish. I am hoping this baby has a sinilar internal schedule to DD1.

EmJ&B · October 2013

tmccord21 said:

I think I'm screwed. H sleeps like a log. He NEVER hears the dogs cry when they need out in the middle of the night. Although they have quit this and just wake me up at the ass crack of dawn now. The baby will be rooming with us for the 1st 4 months or so. We'll see if he even twitches when the baby cries. Might be faster for me to take care of the baby the to wake his ass.

Dude. We are so dog twins . . . and DH never seems to hear them, either.

megs1409 · October 2013

DH is fully expecting that he will be taking a "shift" during the night. It was his suggestion and although we haven't worked out the details, the reality is neither person is really going to get a "full nights sleep" so why should I be the only one up night and day. I guess I just have a really awesome DH like that!

finnybooboo · October 2013

I'll be interested to see how it all works out. We've talked about while he is off he would basically get up with me at night until we both get a routine down about what needs to be done, etc. Then when he goes back to work, splitting the shifts so that he takes the earlier shifts and I take the ones in the middle of the night so that he gets more sleep before he has to get up for work.

We're FTP's so we have no idea how things will actually go...

allymp13 · October 2013

DH works nights so since he's been home he gets up at night and I do most of the day.

When DH goes back to work I'll be on my own at night 3-4 days a week but DH will take over when gets home for a while.

We've mostly been doing everything 50/50 but we'll see when DH goes back to work.

Christine&Chris · October 2013

I've posted before that DH was really hands on and 50/50 with me for DD1, but I was an EPer...so he did baby while I pumped. I'm hoping to not pump out of necessity this time but we'll still be pretty 50/50: either DH can get and change baby and hand her off to me for feeding and back to bed, or visa versa - I'll get her and feed her and hand her off to him to change and get back to bed. With a toddler at home, I don't expect to be able to nap when baby naps so we'll both be suffering all day. DD1 never went longer than 2 hours at night until she was about 4 months old...hoping we did our hard baby time already and this one will be easier.

cassey910 · October 2013

I know DH will help as much as he can. So glad he took off for two weeks after we have LO. When he goes back to work, he works crazy 12 hour shifts that rotate from nights to days so I have no idea how to make his schedule work. Guess we will find out!

bkeane619 · October 2013

My DH helps. Mostly because he is a night owl. So I go to bed around 10:30-11 and he stays up till 1-2am. Then I am on duty the rest of the night. We have lucked out with a pretty good sleeper so far though so it's not horrible.

chelseyestelle · October 2013

My husband is super busy! I've said this a million times but he's gone from 8am-11pm Monday through Friday (full time student + full time work) plus he's studying for the MCAT, volunteering at the hospital, and applying for medical school on top of that! I have no idea how he does it... But I don't have a job at the moment and I graduated in April so I expect to do most of the nightly baby stuff! I know he'll still step in and want to help but he has so much on his plate.. Poor thing.

blondolphn · October 2013

Won't be too much of an option for me since DH is gone during the week traveling. Weekends though it is on!!

carawasa · October 2013

My FI can run on no sleep, which always amazed me. He plans on doing feedings until 1 am then I'll get up. He says he doesn't mind getting but well see.

KerCo51 · October 2013

My DH offers every night, but so far, I don't feel like I need him. DD eats and goes right back to sleep over night. So while my sleep is broken, I am getting enough of it. If things change, I will definitely have him help me out. I pump every time she eats, which is much more time consuming than feeding and changing her at night. DH watches her for an hour or two before we go to bed, and I have been enjoying that down time.

Mae208 · October 2013

DH has been helping a ton since he is furloughed right now but when he goes back to work I will only ask for his help at night if I'm desperate. This LO is a great sleeper so far, plus I can squeeze in a nap during the day if I need to but DH can't.

MySunshine213 · October 2013

Not sure how it will change since we now have DD to worry about, but yeah last time I did 99% of the 'night shift'. There really was nothing for him to do since I BF. The first week or two he did a lot more, like getting the baby for me while I stayed in bed (I had a CS, it was hard to move), changing a late night diaper, etc. But once I could move easier I just let him sleep. Occasionally I'd have him rock her back to sleep after a feeding so I could go right back down but since I was home and he was working I wanted him to focus on getting his own sleep.

germanpickle · October 2013

With pj I went to bed with him at 7-8 and my husband managed everything beyond nursing If he woke up before 12/1am. Then I usually managed everything until 4/5. Pj then had an hour awake time and my husband cuddled him while I slept.

I had ppd and my husband wanted us all to be healthy. It worked really well for us. This time I *hope* that he can focus more on pj (2 years old) and I can focus on baby. But let's see....

Eta: and office work is kindergarten for adults. We both work in offices. Staying at home with kid(s)? Now that shit is real. And since my husband was sah for five month- he knows it just like I do!

MySunshine213 · October 2013

I want to add though - DD is now 4 years old and FLIPS if it's MH and not me who comes to her room if she cries in the middle of the night (which is rare, but it happens, esp if she's sick). She definitely has gotten used to Mommy being on night duty. I very rarely mind... but it has taught me that it's important to get babies used to both parents coming in for night time cuddles or it can backfire. So, even if you plan to do all the work, let YH step in sometimes anyway.

bnikiz · October 2013

My husband fixes and maintains medical equipment so he has to be on top of his game for the safety of every patient that comes thru the hospital. He will take a month off work but when he goes back the nights fall on me. He will take over when he gets home from work till 10 or 11 when he heads to bed

Welshgirl12 · October 2013

Since I breastfeed I currently get up every time to feed through the night. BUT hubby will often change the diapers through the night and swaddle since he is a champion at swaddling!! That said on nights when hubbyisworking the next day ( like last night) i will typically take the feedings after around 2 am so he can get a chunk of sleep in prior to work. When I go back to work this will change...

asilwhite · October 2013

MH is very involved, taking over a changing session or two during the night. He has also expressed how much he's looking forward to me pumping in the next couple weeks so he can take a feeding too. Right now I'm EBF.

However, when he has an early morning surgery he needs to be sharp for I do not wake him up or expect him to get up. Yes I'm beat the next day. But as soon as he gets home he takes the baby and I go nap. I got a 4 hour nap in today in between nursing sessions while MH watched the baby which was amazing.

The key is finding a balance and a routine that works for you. I certainly expect mH to help out but since I'm EBF right now it's a bit harder for him to help with the baby as much so he takes over other things like cleaning and cooking and taking care of me.

blondolphn · October 2013

dknight413 said:

Now that my husband is back at work, I do the night shift during the week. However, we have struck up a deal for the weekends: for every Fri/sat night shift he takes over, he is entitled to one game of golf during the weekend. That said, I don't see it happening. Last night I took a bath and put DH in charge of baby care. The second I got into the bath she started to cry, obviously. His first words to her: "there, there. It's ok". His next words(after literally 1 attempt at soothing): " Come on Evelyn. Pull yourself together". That finished my bath quickly.

I was told that your baby will pretty much scream bloody murder when it comes to bath time until they get used to it. Except for when you wash their hair. For whatever reason they enjoy that part. But yeah, the class I took said the first couple of times can be an adventure and to do what you can.

beckybeth123 · October 2013

With my DS mys husband was super involved at night. We sort of rotated where he would hang out with the baby until about 1 am (he would wake me up to BF) so I got really good sleep from about 8-1. Then I would do the early morning shift but he would usually still get up and change diapers and swaddle. With this one, I think it will be more one for nighttime stuff with baby and he will take over a lot of the daytime stuff for our son so I can rest. I am also really lucky on that he is taking a month off. And when he is back at work he works 48 hour shifts but then is off for 96 so I'll have a lot of support and co-parenting those four days. Although the 48 hours totally alone does suck.

nbcarlson · October 2013

Mostly I do the night time stuff just because I'm already awake and I'm not going to be able to sleep while DH changes him and gets him back to sleep anyways. If he wakes up he helps with the diaper but I don't wake him up for it. My little man sleeps a lot during the day though so I'm able to sleep also and catch up.

cdbayes · October 2013

H will help out while he takes time off, but his mom has already offered to stay the night and help with DS1 when he goes back to work. DH is a police officer in a horrible area of the city. I'd rather have him rested and ready for work rather than sleep deprived and put himself in danger.

andbabymakessix · October 2013

Since babe is breastfed (and no pumping yet) I'm the one to get up at night. I will however wake up DH if baby doesn't fall right back asleep or is gassy/fussy. And he is happy to get up to help get him back to sleep. I couldn't imagine doing it all.

JenMatt2010 · October 2013

DH helped a lot in the middle of the night with DS even though I was EBF (he would get him up and change him and bring him to me, I would BF and put him back down). Honestly, if I knew DS was awake or upset, I couldn't sleep, so eventually I just got up on my own.

This time around I'm scared out of my mind because I'll have a toddler + a newborn to manage all day, so I'm sure I'll be needing more help at night. So yeah, he'll be awake too.

Gwyneddlesliegrace · October 2013

H always helps. However we bed share and i ebf, so all h has to do is change him.

We have three kids and i home school. I need sleep just like h does.

tashad18 · October 2013

DH works 6 days out of town/3 days off. He took this 6 shift off and he and I split time at night. He usually does around 10-11 when I fall asleep until 1-2. I take over from there. I will do more once the healing process is done. He has been wonderful helping out and letting me take the time to heal properly.

When he goes back go work I'll be on my own for the 6 days but he plans to help just the same on his days off. He works terribly long hours. He had just come home from a 103 hour workweek the night before my water broke. He is exhausted and I'm so grateful that he helps like he does!

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