Another vent (chalk it up to hormones)

MickeyM04 · October 2013

This is an ongoing fight with my family/relatives. We live about an hour away from most of my family (some we live farther from). Every occasion (birthday party, Chanukah, Passover, anniversary dinner, etc.) they always plan a dinner at 6:00 at night. Every time. We almost always respond and say we can't go because it's not really conducive to DS's schedule, because he's in his bath by 7:00 and completely passed out by 7:30 (and until recently he was actually in his bath by 6:30 and in bed asleep by 7:00) and he usually gets cranky/tired if he's not at least in his bath by 7:15 or so. Well when you live an hour away and something's at 6:00, that schedule goes out the window, right? But even if we commit to him going to bed like an hour later, we still only get to stick around for an hour at whatever event it is, because again, it's a long drive. If we leave at 7:00, we aren't home til 8:00. And is it a big deal to stay up late and be crabby one night, no of course not. But when you take into consideration that it's also a 2 hour drive for 1 hour of visiting, we usually just beg off and send a gift if the occasion warrants it.

Well every time this happens, I say all the reasons I just listed as to why we aren't going, and EVERY SINGLE TIME, my grandma pours on this huge guilt trip about how we NEVER go to ANYTHING, and my mom digs into me about how we are too strict with his schedule, he can stay up late, etc. etc. (which is hilarious because she never let us stay up past 8:00 until we were like 13). Then, sure enough, the next thing that gets planned is something at 6:00 and we have the same fight over and over again. Common sense would dictate you either plan stuff earlier if you want us to go or you just assume that we will not go if it's at that time and you don't argue with me about it every single time.

So today I get an invitation for my uncle's 60th birthday party and it's of course at 6:00 an hour from our house. Now, don't get me wrong. People should plan what they are going to plan, for when they want and when it's convenient for them. But what irritates me is that I know this is going to turn again into a guilt trip from my grandma if we don't go or if we do go but leave super early, and comments from my mom about being too strict whether we do go or whether we don't go (if we do go and leave early she'll be snarky and if we don't go she'll say to just go and let him stay up). So I guess I am just frustrated because it's like FINE plan what you want around your own schedule but then you can't be pissed when we either can't go, or when we can go but we will only be there a little bit.

I know I am way too worked up about this but again, I chalk it up to hormones. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you ladies can relate.

Junebug060609 · October 2013

Any chance you guys could arrive to the party early and then leave when it suits you? Or maybe you guys could host so you dont have to travel?

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Yeah, these are all weekend plans. That's the frustrating thing. Like it's Saturday. Why can't we do it earlier? You know? I mean DH and I work downtown til 5:00 and we aren't even home until 6:00, so we couldn't be at any of these things til 7:00 or later if they were during the week, but I'd say 90% of these things are on the weekends.

It just sucks because everything is always already set up and we are never given the option of hosting. We will get an email invite a month in advance saying X is at so and so's house on such and such date at 6:00. And then it's like well crap, we can't offer to host it now, you know?

DH also suggested maybe going earlier. I just feel bad asking in case we are imposing. I'm sure they will be setting up when we get there and I don't want them to say we can come early because they feel bad but then they are annoyed or think we are in the way.

I guess my ultimate vent is you would think after 18 months they would either realize this happens every time they plan something at 6:00 and they would change it up (like why my grandma keeps hosting dinner at her house at 6:00 on Saturdays and then having a fit when we don't go--just move it to 5:00! !) or they would ask us if we would like to host so they could keep it at that time, OR, and this is totally fine with me, they would do what they want but then not guilt trip or criticize our parenting when we don't go, or go but leave right away. You can't have your cake (hosting it where you want, when you want) and eat it too (b!tching at us because we won't alter our lives to accommodate your schedule).

MickeyM04 · October 2013

That is totally what I think we are going to do is offer to come early so we can help and then also we aren't driving for 2 hours to be there for 1. And I love these relatives so I'd like to spend more time with them anyway. I am just so sick of having the same discussion/argument/fight with my mom and grandma every time there is an occasion (and when you're Jewish, there's a lot of them--think Passover, Yom Kippur, Chanukah, etc.). Either drop it, or change the time you start these things. Either way is fine.

salsa_wifey · October 2013

I can relate. My family doesn't even consider my kids schedule when they plan something. Heck, they never considered mine either so why would they think of the kids. I do make the sacrifice and bring the kids and keep them up late and screw up their schedule and I pay for it.

There are times where I'll bring the pack n' play for lo so he can nap or just go to bed until we are ready to go. I know it's a pain to set up and take down and then wake DC up but personally I want my kids to have time with their grandparents and be envolved in and enjoy family events.

JulyMomma2U2 · October 2013

Most of our family plans are after 6p, also.. we just make an appearance, and then leave shortly after.. my family is all 45-60minutes away, as well.. I just skip bath time on those nights, and pack jammies.. so when they start getting tired (or, even if they're being good -- I try and not go more than an hour past bedtime or it screws up their entire night of sleeping), I change them and say our goodbye's.. both boys pass out in the car at night, and so I just transition into the crib when we get home.. it's not the easiest, as sometimes it will still lead to a crappy night of sleep for DS1, but I just remind myself it's not all the time, and seeing family is super important to us, so we try hard not to miss our on special occasions (like birthdays, or holiday parties, etc). As a person who hosts and attends a lot of parties/functions, 6p is a pretty normal start time simply because it doesn't cut into other people's days.. for instance, if they were to do it at 3p, instead, you really can't plan to do anything else that day because you have a party smack in the middle.. where as 6p, you could do your own family things earlier in the day, still have time to go home and change or whatever before coming to the party.. it's a tough one

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Thanks for the tip on packing PJs and putting him in the PJs before we get in the car!!! That is a great idea. Skipping bath grosses me out (I am mega OCD and unmedicated for it right now due to the pregnancy) but I guess we can always do it before the party or even the following morning if I'm super crazy about it.

I guess the thing that frustrates me is not necessarily that they don't consider DS's schedule, since he's just one person and like everyone says, people have other things going on, but the fact that I then get crap about not going if that's what we choose to do. It's our right isn't it? You don't have to consider our schedule but then I don't have to go.

adoxyinherear · October 2013

This would make me crazy sauce. It's amazing how very little respect anyone has a) for children, who are happier and thrive when their needs are met and b) their parents, who are doing a hell of a lot of work to keep them happy and healthy. You're doing the right thing by being firm.

tetiananina · October 2013

Can you give DS a bath at your families house? My Mom would do that for us, she would pack all our stuff give us a bath there and put us in Jammies. That way you don't have to skip them? I try and keep Jackson on his schedule because if we are off any then depending how far off it can mess with his schedule. He usually has an hour give or take and will definitely pass out in the car. I get what your saying but one thing I have learned about other people is they do what is conveinent to them vs others. Yes it would be ideal for you and DS but earlier might not work for everyone else?

MickeyM04 · October 2013

That's not a bad idea giving him a quick bath there. We will just be at my aunt and uncle's house. Right, I agree it might not be convenient for everyone else, and that's why I'm not saying they should move the time. I'm just saying if they are going to do it that way they can't give me crap when I don't go or go but leave early. Everyone expects that they will have it at 6:00 and then we should go and stay until the party's over. Sorry, not how it works with kids. By all means have it at 6:00 but we aren't staying til 10:00 at night, if we go at all. KWIM?

tetiananina · October 2013

Peanut2929 said:

That's not a bad idea giving him a quick bath there. We will just be at my aunt and uncle's house. Right, I agree it might not be convenient for everyone else, and that's why I'm not saying they should move the time. I'm just saying if they are going to do it that way they can't give me crap when I don't go or go but leave early. Everyone expects that they will have it at 6:00 and then we should go and stay until the party's over. Sorry, not how it works with kids. By all means have it at 6:00 but we aren't staying til 10:00 at night, if we go at all. KWIM?

Oh Yeah no way of staying til it ends. I stay max an hour after bed time, us as parents have to deal with the grumpy, fussy baby not them. And being pregnant means your hormones are increased and that causes things to irritate you more. Trust me DH looks at me sometimes like really this bothers you? You would think family would adjust for you but then again people don't remember what it's like to have kids or they think they never did that as a parent..

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Yeah I think the problem is we are the only people in my family with a baby right now (on both sides). And it's the first grandchild/great nephew/etc. So the last time there was a baby on my mom's side was when my 25 year old cousin was a baby, on my dad's side when my 27 year old sister was a baby, and in DH's family when his 22 year old cousin was a baby. So I don't think anyone remembers what it's like to have a baby/toddler. They're in "adult" mindset.

4legsRbest · October 2013

You are preaching to the choir!! I have this fight with my family all.the.time. I agree, they shouldn't plan around me, but if they plan something for 6pm, they know we aren't going to make it and they shouldn't give me a hard time about it (but they always do...). Ugh!

orangegoggles · October 2013

Am I the only one that thinks its strange that these parties are planned for 6:00 on a weekend? I don't think I've ever gone to a party at that time on Saturday or Sunday. It is usually way earlier or later if it's an adults party with cocktails and apps. Maybe because all my family parties last over four hours so if we started at 6 it would be way to late after eating, socializing etc.

I would just voice your concerns and offer to have the next holiday/party at your house. Stay as long as you can this time but leave once DS gets cranky or bring a pack and play and spend the night if it's at your parents house.

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Another vent (chalk it up to hormones)

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