FFFC

Cheenomae · October 2013

I finally have a real FFFC. I don't understand non stop bitching about your in laws if you're still going to take advantage of all the good they do for/offer to you.

KellersPrag · October 2013

Stasi said:
That classic jazz song 'Smile' makes me cringe whenever I hear it because I think it sends a detrimental message about mental health and processing emotions...it's just a freakin' song, but the line "Light up your face with gladness/ Hide every trace of sadness/ Although a tear may be ever so near" makes me mad every time!

Just catching up now, but this song (the Michael Jackson version) is my favorite song of all time. It was even my yearbook quote senior year.

Cheenomae · October 2013

I didn't think it was.

Holly_1007 · October 2013

FTR I could give two fucks less about strangers. I NIP'ed in panera yesterday. just sucks when your own mom walks out of the room when you go to nurse your baby. and friends are trying to convince you that you are weird and should just transition to WCM. @eshee8198 will you email me about the playgroup? I cant find anything that isnt going on during naptime

@auroraloo try a nipple shield in dim lighting, I bet you can get him to latch on again! you won't know unless you try!!

BillyMollyEmmy · October 2013

It took me this long to realize what NIP was. haha

jbBeans · October 2013

hmp1 said:

auroraloo said:

LoisLayn23 said:

Buckle baby into carseat, leave inside. Take big kid out, put in seat. Go back inside, grab small child. Put in carseat.

I'm nervous about leaving C in a running car in the alley. I need to get over it, because I need to leave the house, you know?

I would throw a blanket over M's car seat and take them both out at the same time, holding C's hand to help him keep up. Open C's door and have him climb in (start teaching this now, it is a huge help), you can even give him a butt boost to make it faster. Shut his door so he can't fall out, run around, put M in the car, then go back around to buckle up C.
This is what I do every day. It works for us.

@hmp1 has ALL the answers. Can you teach me how to be a mommy? You seriously sound like you are the best mom. (This is not snarky at all--I'm being serious)

This is how I feel about you:

^:)^

jbBeans · October 2013

I identify with green party but didn't register with that party.

Damn. I've never been stuck in quote hell until now. Anyway, I voted for Nader once. I lived in NY at the time so I was basically just trying to bolster 3rd party #s to hopefully get them funding. Did not work, but I tried.

BPer · October 2013

Cheenomae said:

I finally have a real FFFC. I don't understand non stop bitching about your in laws if you're still going to take advantage of all the good they do for/offer to you.

Oh hey, @cheenomae. I just happened to be scrolling through this, and assume that this was directed at me, no? FTR, my ILs are people that have a lot to give, and really do enjoy helping their children. Does it come with strings? It sure as hell does. But refusing their help? That causes even more problems because then we're just considered ungrateful. My sn is pretty easy to remember, feel free to tag me, name-names, etc. I'm more than happy to come back to discuss.

Cheenomae · October 2013

BPer said:

Cheenomae said:

I finally have a real FFFC. I don't understand non stop bitching about your in laws if you're still going to take advantage of all the good they do for/offer to you.

Oh hey, @cheenomae. I just happened to be scrolling through this, and assume that this was directed at me, no? FTR, my ILs are people that have a lot to give, and really do enjoy helping their children. Does it come with strings? It sure as hell does. But refusing their help? That causes even more problems because then we're just considered ungrateful. My sn is pretty easy to remember, feel free to tag me, name-names, etc. I'm more than happy to come back to discuss.

@BPer, actually it wasn't directed at you. Your thread is what made me remember my FFFC though. There are other people on this board and in my real life that do the same thing. I'm guessing since you're perhaps guilty of what I was referring to you felt it was directed right to you. Not the case.

However, since we are now discussing I'll put this out there. My in laws are similar to yours. If they offer us something and I don't want the strings attached that come with it we go ahead and refuse the offer. I'm not sure how that makes me look ungrateful. I'm grateful for them and I tell them all the time. It doesn't mean I always want them in every aspect of my life.

If they give us or offer us something that makes my life easier the last thing I'd go do is accept their help and then constantly talk negatively about them to other people. In my opinion that actually makes you look a lot less grateful than refusing their strings attached help.

BPer · October 2013

Cheenomae said:

Cheenomae said:

I finally have a real FFFC. I don't understand non stop bitching about your in laws if you're still going to take advantage of all the good they do for/offer to you.

Oh hey, @cheenomae. I just happened to be scrolling through this, and assume that this was directed at me, no? FTR, my ILs are people that have a lot to give, and really do enjoy helping their children. Does it come with strings? It sure as hell does. But refusing their help? That causes even more problems because then we're just considered ungrateful. My sn is pretty easy to remember, feel free to tag me, name-names, etc. I'm more than happy to come back to discuss.
@BPer, actually it wasn't directed at you. Your thread is what made me remember my FFFC though. There are other people on this board and in my real life that do the same thing. I'm guessing since you're perhaps guilty of what I was referring to you felt it was directed right to you. Not the case. However, since we are now discussing I'll put this out there. My in laws are similar to yours. If they offer us something and I don't want the strings attached that come with it we go ahead and refuse the offer. I'm not sure how that makes me look ungrateful. I'm grateful for them and I tell them all the time. It doesn't mean I always want them in every aspect of my life. If they give us or offer us something that makes my life easier the last thing I'd go do is accept their help and then constantly talk negatively about them to other people. In my opinion that actually makes you look a lot less grateful than refusing their strings attached help.

Perhaps to your ILs, it does not make you seem ungrateful, but to mine, it does. In their minds, FIL worked his ass off to provide his family with everything that they could ever need or want, and turning down his assistance in any matter, is basically shitting all over that. I'm not saying it's a rational way of thinking, but it's his way of thinking. If I come across ungrateful on here, it's because I'm not grateful. My MIL making me feel like shit all of the time is not worth what they have to offer, but I'm not the only one in this marriage, and in the words of my SIL, 'You don't want to get into a thing with Mom, it will make your life a mess'. So yes, I vent on here a lot, because there aren't many people I can discuss this with IRL. If it's annoying to you, don't read it.

Cheenomae · October 2013

BPer said:

Cheenomae said:

BPer said:

Cheenomae said:

I finally have a real FFFC. I don't understand non stop bitching about your in laws if you're still going to take advantage of all the good they do for/offer to you.

Oh hey, @cheenomae. I just happened to be scrolling through this, and assume that this was directed at me, no? FTR, my ILs are people that have a lot to give, and really do enjoy helping their children. Does it come with strings? It sure as hell does. But refusing their help? That causes even more problems because then we're just considered ungrateful. My sn is pretty easy to remember, feel free to tag me, name-names, etc. I'm more than happy to come back to discuss.
@BPer, actually it wasn't directed at you. Your thread is what made me remember my FFFC though. There are other people on this board and in my real life that do the same thing. I'm guessing since you're perhaps guilty of what I was referring to you felt it was directed right to you. Not the case.

However, since we are now discussing I'll put this out there. My in laws are similar to yours. If they offer us something and I don't want the strings attached that come with it we go ahead and refuse the offer. I'm not sure how that makes me look ungrateful. I'm grateful for them and I tell them all the time. It doesn't mean I always want them in every aspect of my life.

If they give us or offer us something that makes my life easier the last thing I'd go do is accept their help and then constantly talk negatively about them to other people. In my opinion that actually makes you look a lot less grateful than refusing their strings attached help.

Perhaps to your ILs, it does not make you seem ungrateful, but to mine, it does. In their minds, FIL worked his ass off to provide his family with everything that they could ever need or want, and turning down his assistance in any matter, is basically shitting all over that. I'm not saying it's a rational way of thinking, but it's his way of thinking. If I come across ungrateful on here, it's because I'm not grateful. My MIL making me feel like shit all of the time is not worth what they have to offer, but I'm not the only one in this marriage, and in the words of my SIL, 'You don't want to get into a thing with Mom, it will make your life a mess'. So yes, I vent on here a lot, because there aren't many people I can discuss this with IRL. If it's annoying to you, don't read it.

My FFFC was that I don't understand the constant bitching. Thanks for the additional insight. You tell me you're ready to have a conversation about it and then after very little conversation tell me if I'm annoyed stop reading. Your reaction leads me to believe that you might agree with the way your behavior makes things look, but didn't like being "called out". Not that I was directly calling you out. I'm not the only person who agrees you need to cut some strings from the in laws or you're always going to be miserable. If your DH doesn't see that there are bigger issues.

Don't act like my FFFC was that dramatic. I'm going to venture out on a limb and say from an outsiders perspective it's a bit confusing to MANY how one can accept so much monetarily from someone and then never have a good thing to say about them.

BPer · October 2013

@cheenomae We haven't accepted anything monetary from them. They offer to pay cash for our house, we have a quick-close, and the mortgage amount pays them back in less than a month. They've done it for all of their children. They try to make up for their craziness by throwing money at it. It's their way. It doesn't make the shitty things that they do/say any less shitty.

Cheenomae · October 2013

@BPer, it doesn't matter if you pay them back or not, you're still accepting the monetary help at that point.

BPer · October 2013

LoisLayn23 said:

I get it, BP. My MIL is a saint/devil. It's her way, only her way. They do a lot for us, but there's always strings attached or guilt trips for it. If I could turn it down, I would. It's a major source of conflict between DH and I.

I actually enjoy your stories.

Thanks homie. It's hard to 'get' the situation unless you're in a similar one.

BPer · October 2013

cheeseandrice said:

I'm confused why you, as an adult, can't say 'thanks but no thanks.'

Because my ILs, think it's disrespectful. It's just their way, and they're not changing. They'll be BSC whether or not we accept any assistance/help/favors from them.

BPer · October 2013

BPer said:

cheeseandrice said:

I'm confused why you, as an adult, can't say 'thanks but no thanks.'

Because my ILs, think it's disrespectful. It's just their way, and they're not changing. They'll be BSC whether or not we accept any assistance/help/favors from them.

Because they take it personally. You are saying 'no thank you' to them, not the gift. It's a personal attack to not accept it.

Exactly. And again, I'm not saying it's a rational way of thinking, it's just their reasoning. It's crazy, but it's like a slap in the face to them to not accept the things FIL has worked so hard to be able to provide.

Cheenomae · October 2013

But that's on them. You're an adult and it sounds like you don't want to take any responsibility for the role that you play in the situation.

ktnicole · October 2013

Here's another side to that- my mother is the same way. She is BSC and when I bought my first house without help she stopped talking to me. Not worth it. Even though my brother and his wife will catch all the cash when they die. It's not worth it, I cut ties.

BPer · October 2013

Cheenomae said:

But that's on them. You're an adult and it sounds like you don't want to take any responsibility for the role that you play in the situation.

Yeah, I'm not going to tell my ILs to GTFO when they offer to do something nice because they are my husband's parents and he loves them, and it would offend them and further strain our relationship. I'll own the fact that I'm doing what I can, and biting my tongue to 'keep the peace', and it's my decision as an adult to be diplomatic in my dealings with them.

ktnicole · October 2013

Also if you want something new all you have to do is date one of my mother's kids and after the break up... boom... gifts. Fucked up

BillyMollyEmmy · October 2013

So, if you're going to bite your tongue and suck it up, you shouldn't be complaining the your MIL didn't like the house. Either you bite the bullet and buy the house YOU want without their assistance, or you deal with the fact that they hold your H's balls every step of the way because they know he will take their money and money = strings attached.

BillyMollyEmmy · October 2013

Also - I realize that can be a hard position to be in, but your relationship as husband and wife shouldn't consist of you, your husband, and his parents. It's you and him. They are there for support when you need them, not when they shove money down your throat.

BPer · October 2013

ktnicole said:

Here's another side to that- my mother is the same way. She is BSC and when I bought my first house without help she stopped talking to me. Not worth it. Even though my brother and his wife will catch all the cash when they die. It's not worth it, I cut ties.

You don't quite get it. We have no way to cut ties. We can't just say, 'go fuck yourself...but see you at the office tomorrow?' ILs still have stake in H's business, and therefore play a giant role in our livelihood. Until those succession papers are signed, my hands are tied, and I have to grin and bear it.

BPer · October 2013

BillyMollyEmmy said:

So, if you're going to bite your tongue and suck it up, you shouldn't be complaining the your MIL didn't like the house. Either you bite the bullet and buy the house YOU want without their assistance, or you deal with the fact that they hold your H's balls every step of the way because they know he will take their money and money = strings attached.

I don't care that MIL didn't like the house. What I DO care about is that she did nothing but bitch the entire time we were there, and said that the town where the house was located, the town that I grew up in, was full of 'creeps, sex offenders, and poor people'. THAT is what bothers me. She was fucking rude, and she made the experience of house-hunting, an experience that should be fun, and exciting, fucking suck.

BPer · October 2013

I bite my tongue with my ILs, I vent on the Internet, like many on this board do.

BillyMollyEmmy · October 2013

BPer said:

BillyMollyEmmy said:

So, if you're going to bite your tongue and suck it up, you shouldn't be complaining the your MIL didn't like the house. Either you bite the bullet and buy the house YOU want without their assistance, or you deal with the fact that they hold your H's balls every step of the way because they know he will take their money and money = strings attached.

I don't care that MIL didn't like the house. What I DO care about is that she did nothing but bitch the entire time we were there, and said that the town where the house was located, the town that I grew up in, was full of 'creeps, sex offenders, and poor people'. THAT is what bothers me. She was fucking rude, and she made the experience of house-hunting, an experience that should be fun, and exciting, fucking suck.

BUT - is it fair to say that if your MIL wasn't giving you money, she wouldn't have even been there to look at the house with you??? This is what I am saying. Sure, they might be really aggressive with the money thing, but at some point you're going to lose your cool. You're going to get really tired of their grand gestures because it always comes with an opinion – on that they think they deserve to have because they've got the cash flow.

Perhaps I am off by assuming this - but if that's the case, I'd already be tired of it.

BillyMollyEmmy · October 2013

I cannot help it, I have this in my head with I think of your MIL

BPer · October 2013

BillyMollyEmmy said:

BPer said:

BillyMollyEmmy said:

So, if you're going to bite your tongue and suck it up, you shouldn't be complaining the your MIL didn't like the house. Either you bite the bullet and buy the house YOU want without their assistance, or you deal with the fact that they hold your H's balls every step of the way because they know he will take their money and money = strings attached.

I don't care that MIL didn't like the house. What I DO care about is that she did nothing but bitch the entire time we were there, and said that the town where the house was located, the town that I grew up in, was full of 'creeps, sex offenders, and poor people'. THAT is what bothers me. She was fucking rude, and she made the experience of house-hunting, an experience that should be fun, and exciting, fucking suck.

BUT - is it fair to say that if your MIL wasn't giving you money, she wouldn't have even been there to look at the house with you??? This is what I am saying. Sure, they might be really aggressive with the money thing, but at some point you're going to lose your cool. You're going to get really tired of their grand gestures because it always comes with an opinion – on that they think they deserve to have because they've got the cash flow.

Perhaps I am off by assuming this - but if that's the case, I'd already be tired of it.

Oh, we would have invited them regardless, much like we invited my parents. FIL built my ILs house, and he could offer perspective on things that we wouldn't even consider because a house can be such an emotional purchase. And he actually DID offer a lot of great insight, but MIL refused to even look closely at the interior because she was so fixated on the location, and the nearby 'poors'.

BPer · October 2013

BillyMollyEmmy said:

I cannot help it, I have this in my head with I think of your MIL

You're pretty spot on, and that's not sarcasm font.

Hyaline · October 2013

@BPer, I felt like you got a ton of good advice in the thread about this issue, yet from your replies here you've not really taken any of it to heart. And I'm not talking about my blathering. Look--you're unhappy with the way this relationship is right now. And it's hard and unfair and sucks. Yet you're choosing (YES YOU not the ILs or DH--you need to be the catalyst here because YOU are unhappy) to box yourself in on every angle--you can't set boundaries because it will upset them, you can't say "we want to pay ourselves" because they'll take offense, you can't draw lines about your personal life because of the business, you would invite them to look at a house "regardless" (WHY? when you know MIL is effing nuts?)...I see excuse after excuse for why you can't change, and post after post about how not changing is making you miserable. Own up. Make the hard choices. Clearly biting your tongue is not working anymore.

BPer · October 2013

Hyaline said:

@BPer, I felt like you got a ton of good advice in the thread about this issue, yet from your replies here you've not really taken any of it to heart. And I'm not talking about my blathering. Look--you're unhappy with the way this relationship is right now. And it's hard and unfair and sucks. Yet you're choosing (YES YOU not the ILs or DH--you need to be the catalyst here because YOU are unhappy) to box yourself in on every angle--you can't set boundaries because it will upset them, you can't say "we want to pay ourselves" because they'll take offense, you can't draw lines about your personal life because of the business, you would invite them to look at a house "regardless" (WHY? when you know MIL is effing nuts?)...I see excuse after excuse for why you can't change, and post after post about how not changing is making you miserable. Own up. Make the hard choices. Clearly biting your tongue is not working anymore.

That's just H's family. In the end, it's our/BIL's/SIL's decision what we want to ultimately do, but everyone always 'consults' the ILs. If we bought the house despite their disagreement, would they cut us off? No. But if we ended up hating being in another town, it'd very much be an 'I told you so' situation. BIL built his house 6 years ago, refused to show FIL the plans (for this exact reason), and now wishes their dining room were a foot deeper. I've heard at least a dozen times 'Well, you know Dad told Steve that 12 feet wasn't deep enough and they would want 14 feet'. It's insane, but it's what I've married in to. In my defense, they didn't show their true crazy until a week before the wedding.
I was going to post a sort of 'update' tomorrow, but last night, H had the 'come to Jesus' talk with his parents. His dad totally got it, and agreed that this whole situation has been handled poorly. MIL was still in denial, but apparently came around this morning after FIL, and both her daughters basically told her that she had been really awful to me. So hopefully, things will start to look up from here.

ktnicole · October 2013

I actually did forget that your dh has the dealership with the family, that does make it more difficult. And also #whathyalinesaid.

hmp1 · October 2013

cheeseandrice said:

So. You move. and you dislike it. That's on you. You'd rather use your ILs as an excuse? I'm confused.

and people seriously complain that one room of their house isn't 12 inches deeper? I must live in a different world.

Ha, I'm pretty picky about the size of our formal dining room. It was a big thing we considered when looking at houses because we have a huge table. My parents won't even look at houses that have secondary bedrooms less than 12x12 so I guess I get my picky room size crazy from them.

BPer · October 2013

hmp1 said:

cheeseandrice said:

So. You move. and you dislike it. That's on you. You'd rather use your ILs as an excuse? I'm confused.

and people seriously complain that one room of their house isn't 12 inches deeper? I must live in a different world.

Ha, I'm pretty picky about the size of our formal dining room. It was a big thing we considered when looking at houses because we have a huge table. My parents won't even look at houses that have secondary bedrooms less than 12x12 so I guess I get my picky room size crazy from them.

Our family is huge. 12x14 is the smallest acceptable dining room. ILs is 14x20.

BPer · October 2013

cheeseandrice said:

hmp1 said:

cheeseandrice said:

So. You move. and you dislike it. That's on you. You'd rather use your ILs as an excuse? I'm confused.

and people seriously complain that one room of their house isn't 12 inches deeper? I must live in a different world.

Ha, I'm pretty picky about the size of our formal dining room. It was a big thing we considered when looking at houses because we have a huge table. My parents won't even look at houses that have secondary bedrooms less than 12x12 so I guess I get my picky room size crazy from them.

Well yeah. I understand that. But once you're in the house that you built? complaining repeatedly that it's not a foot bigger?

Haha trust me, I know it's ridiculous. None of their 3 boats are large enough either. Very eye-rolly.

noloveintennis · October 2013

I get it Bp, sounds like my mom (not that she has that kind of money) but she helps out now and then, even just with little stuff she won't take no for an answer. It doesn't come with strings per say, but she will hold it over your head at a later date, during a disagreement for example.

eshee8198 · October 2013

Holly_1007 said:

FTR I could give two fucks less about strangers. I NIP'ed in panera yesterday. just sucks when your own mom walks out of the room when you go to nurse your baby. and friends are trying to convince you that you are weird and should just transition to WCM. @eshee8198 will you email me about the playgroup? I cant find anything that isnt going on during naptime @auroraloo try a nipple shield in dim lighting, I bet you can get him to latch on again! you won't know unless you try!!

Emailed you!

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