So this is my first post on here... I'm a FTM and I'm super excited. My family my SO's family are all so excited and happy for us except my sister. She is 2 years older then me and has a 4yr old daughter. When she found out I was pregnant she cried for days and said it wasn't fair. My sister miscarried about 1 1/2years ago and has been trying for about 2 months. Every time I try to talk about anything related to my pregnancy she gets a nasty attitude.. It hurts me because I'm nervous and scared about things and want to share it with her and I look to her for advice. I just wish she would be happy for me. I understand she wants to have another baby and I wish she would get pregnant quickly but I don't think it's right that she makes me feel horrible. The other day someone asked in front of me to her why she doesn't want to tell my niece yet and her response was "I don't want her to know because then il have to hear about it everyday! And I don't want to here about my sisters pregnancy everyday" that really upset me and it makes me feel horrible. I just want to share this with her and for her to just be happy for me but i don't know what to do. Had to get this out.. Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated
Re: Upset my sister thinks it's unfair I'm pregnant
Surviving a miscarriage is a very difficult thing for anyone who has to suffer through one. It can be especially hard for someone who has gone through a loss to watch anyone close to them get pregnant easily, have a baby, etc. I don't doubt that your sister doesn't love you and wouldn't be happy for you under different circumstances, but I do think you need to tread lightly with her.
Miscarriages are tough, they suck, and they rip you to pieces and it can take a very long time to get out of the angry stage of the grieving process. My guess is that your sister is still there and it has to be hard for her, especially now that she is trying again. My only advice is to take a step back, let your sister know that you love her, care about her and understand if she needs space. I don't think it's fair to be pissed at her. She will come around I'm sure, she just needs time and support.
BFP #1 11/19/12 EDD: 7/25/13 Natural MC on 12/31/12 at 10w4d
BFP#2 3/1/13 EDD: 11/5/13 Missed MC 4/9/13 at 10w D&C 4/11/13
Baby #2 diagnosed with Trisomy 16. Diagnosed Hetero MTHFR.
BFP#3 8/5/13 EDD: 4/13/14 Team Green Turned Team Blue! Our rainbow baby, Griffin R arrived via c-section (breech since 20w) on 4/11/14.
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~~Everyone Always Welcome~~
BFP #1 11/19/12 EDD: 7/25/13 Natural MC on 12/31/12 at 10w4d
BFP#2 3/1/13 EDD: 11/5/13 Missed MC 4/9/13 at 10w D&C 4/11/13
Baby #2 diagnosed with Trisomy 16. Diagnosed Hetero MTHFR.
BFP#3 8/5/13 EDD: 4/13/14 Team Green Turned Team Blue! Our rainbow baby, Griffin R arrived via c-section (breech since 20w) on 4/11/14.
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~~Everyone Always Welcome~~
Congrats on your pregnancy!
BFP: 7/5/10 EDD: 3/13/11 Miscarriage 8/1/10 at 8 weeks
BFP: 10/30/10 EDD: 7/7/11 Born 7/11//11 7lb12oz, 20 in.
BFP: 7/30/13 EDD: 4/9/14 Born right on time on his due date! 8lb10oz, 21.5 in.
Awesome prophetic fortune cookie: Love is a present that can be given every single day you live
I am sure your sister IS truly happy for you but she is also feeling a little sad for herself. I think this is a normal reaction. When u was TTC (and having a hard time at it) I would get really sad/mad/distraught over people's Facebook posts. You know like thinking, "what!? She's about to deliver again? Didn't she just have a baby!!? It's not fair!"
Also when I told my one of my GFs about this pregnancy, I thought she'd be happy and excited for me. Instead she was just like, "But I thought you got your period?" Questioning it. Not exactly the reaction I'd hoped for. It irritated me, but then I realized that she was going through that happy-for-you/sad-for-myself thing. She's a 46 year old divorcee with no children who lives alone. I think she wanted to be happy for me, but it probably triggered something in her. So I realized it was about her and not me, and stopped taking it personally.
You certainly don't have to downplay your excitement and enthusiasm (and shouldn't) but try to have a little empathy, and she'll come around.
Until you have ever been through infertility or a miscarriage, I suggest you never ever talk about how another person reacts or feels with it.
The grief of infertility and MC is just that. It is grief. You can't turn if off and it can sneak up on you at any moment. You think she has been TTC for 2 months but I would almost promise that she's been trying for longer. Even still, she still has that loss on her mind. Because I promise you she is thinking if she ever does get a BFP again that she will be terrified of another MC.
If you want support you need to find it somewhere else. You may be able to talk to her, but I would bet that she already feels guilty for not being completely happy for you. The jealousy of others when you're dealing with IF or MC is overwhelming. And honestly, I have felt the exact same feelings that she is expressing. When I would see a pregnant teenager of or know of unmarried friends who were pregnant, I felt the same way. "Why is that person who didn't want that child pregnant, when it is all I want in this world?"
It's a natural feeling and if you talk to her about it, don't expect her to change her ways. I wouldn't have.
It's something she has to deal with. It's not your issue. It's hers.
There is nothing more painful than someone who didn't want a child to have an unplanned pregnancy and then want to talk to someone with IF, TTC for a while or someone who has dealt with a MC.
To the previous posters who said she was acting like a bitch, I would say if you've never been through IF, fertility treatments, MC, etc, then you have no idea about the mental anguish that it includes. Please don't ever try to belittle their feelings. To an outsider you look at them and their fertility treatments and you think well they will automatically get a BFP. That's completely opposite of what happens.
Me: 32 DH: 31.
B/W: good. SA: good.
November 2012: Paratubal cyst found during U/S.
January 10, 2013: Lap removed paratubal cyst and Stage 2 Endometriosis.
3 cycles of Femara + TI = BFNs
June 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 37.5 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFN
July 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 75 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFP!!!!
Beta 1 @ 11 DPIUI = 76. Progesterone = 27.3
BFP 8/16/2013 // EDD 4/28/2014
Jordan Samuel born April 19, 2014. 6 lb, 12 oz and 18 inches long.
CLICK ME!!!11!!1111!!
Another thing, some people don't have children and a lot of that is not their choice. They would give everything to be pregnant, but for some it will never happen. Fertility treatments are not always the answer and please don't belittle them by thinking it is a fool proof way to get a BFP. Financial infertility and secondary infertility are real issues. Dont even mention that adoption is the next option. It is not always an option and it should never be seen as a catch all method to having a child.
ETA: Just because she has one child, it does not erase the desire to grow your family. Your comments are asinine and ignorant.
Me: 32 DH: 31.
B/W: good. SA: good.
November 2012: Paratubal cyst found during U/S.
January 10, 2013: Lap removed paratubal cyst and Stage 2 Endometriosis.
3 cycles of Femara + TI = BFNs
June 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 37.5 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFN
July 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 75 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFP!!!!
Beta 1 @ 11 DPIUI = 76. Progesterone = 27.3
BFP 8/16/2013 // EDD 4/28/2014
Jordan Samuel born April 19, 2014. 6 lb, 12 oz and 18 inches long.
CLICK ME!!!11!!1111!!
She is not being mean. Or selfish. She's grieving, and every mention of her sister's baby is just rubbing salt (unintentionally of course) in her sister's wound. The whole situation sucks, but a bit of empathy and compassion goes a long way.
BFP: 7/5/10 EDD: 3/13/11 Miscarriage 8/1/10 at 8 weeks
BFP: 10/30/10 EDD: 7/7/11 Born 7/11//11 7lb12oz, 20 in.
BFP: 7/30/13 EDD: 4/9/14 Born right on time on his due date! 8lb10oz, 21.5 in.
Awesome prophetic fortune cookie: Love is a present that can be given every single day you live
I have mixed feelings about it. I totally understand her perspective and want those things for her too, but her reaction stung. Why can't she set those feelings aside and be supportive? No one is trying to ruin her life.
That said, our relationship means a lot so I am doing my part to make time for her and let her take the lead on any baby talk. Like PP suggested I've found other places of support to draw from until she comes around, and she will.
Your sister will too, no doubt. Happy thoughts to you both and congrats!
I agree that it's the best course of action too but it still doesn't make it fair for everyone. The OP may be able to find support from other people but she may also be hurt by the fact that she might really want support from her sister. She may want some pregnancy advice from her sister that she can't get because of the loss.
There is no getting around that your original statement is asinine and ignorant. There is no other way to take this comment if you have ever dealt with IF, MC etc. Like I said before, unless you personally have dealt with it, then you have no fucking clue, even if you were around someone else as close as your mother experiencing IF.
You're belittling her struggles and MC by saying her other child should make up for the pain of not having other children or losing a child by MC.
Basically you're saying that she needs to cope with it and be positive. So in other words, you're telling her to get over her grief, loss and pain.
Me: 32 DH: 31.
B/W: good. SA: good.
November 2012: Paratubal cyst found during U/S.
January 10, 2013: Lap removed paratubal cyst and Stage 2 Endometriosis.
3 cycles of Femara + TI = BFNs
June 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 37.5 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFN
July 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 75 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFP!!!!
Beta 1 @ 11 DPIUI = 76. Progesterone = 27.3
BFP 8/16/2013 // EDD 4/28/2014
Jordan Samuel born April 19, 2014. 6 lb, 12 oz and 18 inches long.
CLICK ME!!!11!!1111!!
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Yes, your words should have been completely different. I suggest something less insensitive and more insightful.
Me: 32 DH: 31.
B/W: good. SA: good.
November 2012: Paratubal cyst found during U/S.
January 10, 2013: Lap removed paratubal cyst and Stage 2 Endometriosis.
3 cycles of Femara + TI = BFNs
June 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 37.5 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFN
July 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 75 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFP!!!!
Beta 1 @ 11 DPIUI = 76. Progesterone = 27.3
BFP 8/16/2013 // EDD 4/28/2014
Jordan Samuel born April 19, 2014. 6 lb, 12 oz and 18 inches long.
CLICK ME!!!11!!1111!!
No. My opinion is you're ignorant and you have no fucking clue how insensitive your comments are. Go tell your mom that she should have just been happy with only you as a child and she should have gotten over her other losses and put on a happy face when she was sad. I hope she smacks some sense into you.
I hope you never have a loss or ever struggle to get pregnant again. It's one of the worst things ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Me: 32 DH: 31.
B/W: good. SA: good.
November 2012: Paratubal cyst found during U/S.
January 10, 2013: Lap removed paratubal cyst and Stage 2 Endometriosis.
3 cycles of Femara + TI = BFNs
June 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 37.5 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFN
July 2013: Femara 2.5 mg, Gonal F Injects 75 IU, Menopur, trigger + IUI = BFP!!!!
Beta 1 @ 11 DPIUI = 76. Progesterone = 27.3
BFP 8/16/2013 // EDD 4/28/2014
Jordan Samuel born April 19, 2014. 6 lb, 12 oz and 18 inches long.
CLICK ME!!!11!!1111!!
And now her little sister is pregnant.
I told her separate ( and first ) from the rest of my family because I knew it would be painful for her. No she isn't grieving the loss of a child but grieving the loss of the dream to be a mother. ( at least for the forseable future)
I'm giving her space and not really talking about it with her. I know she's happy for me, but I also know that it probably hurts. Especially knowing my brother is TTC now too.
Add in the pain of miscarriage and I'm sure OP's sister is beside herself.
Give her time and space and hopefully she will come to a point where she is able to share in your happiness.
However, if she keeps making comments about how you don't deserve to be pregnant as much as she does because you aren't married I think you have every right to tell her that while you understand she is grieving she is WAY out of line. I would also mention that you hope she will be able to get over the fact that you aren't married and love her niece or nephew as much as she would had you been married when you conceived.
I never put a timeline on grieving. I said at some point coping has to happen. Just because someone has coped does not mean that they stopped loving the person they're grieving. I know it may not be a good analogy but lets look at losing a grandparent that you are close with. You may grieve for a long time or a short period of time. But there comes a point where you accept the loss and remember your grandparent for all of the good times. You don't stop feeling bad that you lost your grandparent. You just accept it. I know it isn't the same for miscarriage. I'm just trying to explain my opinion. At some point during the grieving process you cope and accept your loss. It happens sooner for some and later for others but holding on to a loss isn't healthy.
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So, according to you, 18 months is a long time and she should just get over it. Because that's pretty much what you keep saying.
You claim that you aren't putting a time line on grieving, but you are. A close friend or family member getting pregnant when you are going through something like this can actually set back your progress in the acceptance phase of grieving, but that doesn't mean that she wont be happy for her sister in time. She probably just needs a little space.
Edit for formatting. I'm mobile quote screwed up