Terrified of SIDS

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Yes, I am posting again.

First of all, I just want to say sorry for some of the aggression in my other post. Also for talking badly about my friend. I've come to some realizations about that.

The reason for that thread (and the reason I'm so touchy today) is because a girl I was following on Instagram just lost her baby to SIDS. When I found out I spent 45 minutes crying, and since then I have felt less invested. I don't want to think about my baby as much. I feel emotionally crippled by the idea that I could lose my baby.

I was so excited before and now I'm trying but I'm just terrified. I feel like I'm being stupid. It hurts to even look at the crib we set up.

Does anyone have any comforting statistics or words, ANYTHING for me? Has anyone else dealt with fears like these before?

And a disclaimer, I'm pretty sure I do have OCD.

RondackHiker · October 2013

If you continue to be crippled by your fear this is a talk to your doctor situation. This can't be fixed by someone on a board.

littlepig2 · October 2013

RondackHiker said:

If you continue to be crippled by your fear this is a talk to your doctor situation. This can't be fixed by someone on a board.

this

Kendra Beam · October 2013

RondackHiker said:
If you continue to be crippled by your fear this is a talk to your doctor situation. This can't be fixed by someone on a board.

Yeah I think CBT would be helpful for me. Just knowing I'm not the only one would be helpful for now tho.

Winnieella · October 2013

The only thing I can say is that SIDS is scary. Even if someone follows all those recommendations SIDS can still happen. Which is why it's super scary.

I guess just surround yourself with a good support system and tell your doctor of your fear.

mamacrunch · October 2013

First it took so much for me to not comment on your post earlier.

Second, I agree with RH, you need to speak with someone, but the truth of it is there no truly nothing you can do.

It is sad, but you can put the baby to sleep on their backs, have no bumpers, no blankets, have the room the perfect temp.

Sometime people just die. There is nothing you can do to stop it. I honestly do not know why they haven't figured out people just die. It's not just kids, people of all ages die from natural causes.

You are going to drive yourself insane worrying so much about something that is virtually beyond your control.

Take every step you can to keep your baby safe, but know that is all you can do.Stressing about it is not going to make it go away.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Am I the only one who feels they can't put everything into their baby anymore though? Do I just need to put my fears aside and give my baby my whole heart not knowing how things will play out??

Winnieella · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Am I the only one who feels they can't put everything into their baby anymore though? Do I just need to put my fears aside and give my baby my whole heart not knowing how things will play out??

I think you may need to talk to someone. As much as I fear SIDS too, I know that I would hate myself if I wasn't invested in my baby when I had my baby. Does that make sense.

RondackHiker · October 2013

What you need to do is talk to your doctor.

Giraffealaff · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:
Am I the only one who feels they can't put everything into their baby anymore though? Do I just need to put my fears aside and give my baby my whole heart not knowing how things will play out??

Yes. You do.

Honestly, if you haven't realized yet, everything about becoming a mother is terrifying. There is not a moment in the day when I don't worry. There's not a moment when I think, am I doing something wrong, or I don't fear that I may lose my love before he's even born.

It sucks, and it's scary, but in a way we kind of have to get used to it, because I don't think the fears will ever go away. It's not a bad thing necessarily, it just means we love our children and are concerned for their safety and well being.

Also, I get how you're feeling, I always feel the same when I read a thread about someone not being able to complete their pregnancy. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

MrsJWoodJr said:

Kendra Beam said:

Am I the only one who feels they can't put everything into their baby anymore though? Do I just need to put my fears aside and give my baby my whole heart not knowing how things will play out??

I think you may need to talk to someone. As much as I fear SIDS too, I know that I would hate myself if I wasn't invested in my baby when I had my baby. Does that make sense.

Yeah=/

micaelasmakeup · October 2013

Also I'm not sure if it would help or make it worse but I volunteer with an organization that was started by a dear friend that lost her 2nd son to SIDS. She is my complete hero because she took this awful thing, miserable experience and turned it into something so positive and full of life. I think when you surround yourself with people and organizations like this one then it gives you some sense of empowerment.
Check it out, their big fundraiser event is tomorrow actually:)
Everything they raise goes towards First Candle which is an organization that funds SIDs research and education.
https://www.holtonsdriveforsids.com/
https://www.firstcandle.org/

LetoileDuNord · October 2013

SIDS is extremely sad and horrible, but it is also fairly rare. From what I've read (CDC and gov websites), the incidence rate is about 1 in 2,000.

It sounds like you've done your homework about what steps you can take to try to reduce the likelihood of SIDS. I agree with PPs that it might be helpful now to talk it over with your provider.

bugandbibs · October 2013

I say this sincerely, you need help. It's clear you are setting yourself up to fail by having unreasonable expectations. Couple that with your crippling fears and you are at real risk. Please see professional help.

MissDemeanor · October 2013

megash113 said:

I officially went on Zoloft today because my anxiety and fears about everything baby related became crippling. I run a weekly mental health check in where several women are brave enough to discuss their own fears, anxiety, and depression. You're not the only one who's scared. If it's anywhere near crippling, talk to your OB/midwife ASAP and make a plan.

@Megash113 Welcome to going on anti depressants day! I just started today too! And thanks for having the idea of the weekly MH check in, it's good to know I'm not alone.

MissDemeanor · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Am I the only one who feels they can't put everything into their baby anymore though? Do I just need to put my fears aside and give my baby my whole heart not knowing how things will play out??

When I read your previous posted I started thinking that you have been set up with some unreasonable expectations, from yourself, and others. Like your mom never letting you cry, and you'll have to do the same? She may remember it this way, but I'm sure there were times she was driven to despair. Both my mom and MIL swear they had zero morning sickness with any of their pregnancies (which made me feel like there's something wrong with me). My MIL says all of her pregnancies were a 'joy', but I think we all know that sometimes it's hard, and some parts of being pregnant kinda suck. If you ask my mom I slept through the night, potty trained myself at 1 and 1/2, etc. so now when my kid cries for 3 days straight Ill probably feel like the worst mother in the world.

My point? You can only do the best you can do. And you'll do fine! Nothing you do is going to cause you to lose your baby from SIDS. But holding onto these types of worries will just disconnect you from your baby. I agree with pp that you should go see someone about your feelings. As mentioned above, and in previous posts, I struggle with anxiety and depression. For the good of my LO, as well as myself, I finally went to get help. There's nothing to be ashamed of. And getting help before your LO arrives means you can be even more ready for her when she gets here.

KatieKT · October 2013

I'm sorry you're feeling so much anxiety. I hope that you do talk to your doctor. If you are feeling this much anxiety now my concern for you is that it will be much more intense when you have the baby.

SIDS is no doubt terrifying and after my son was born I was preoccupied with protecting him from it pretty much whenever he was sleeping somewhere other than my arms.

It is totally normal to be worried about all of the uncertainty but reach out to your doctor now because dealing with the fear you have might be a lot harder when your fear is about a baby in your arms.

Noethola · October 2013

I am sorry this is difficult for you. We all want to protect our children. Sometimes there are preventative steps we can take and sometimes there are not. Learn what you can about baby loss, SIDS, etc. Do what you can to prevent it. But eventually, you also have to live life. Your child can not be kept in a bubble.

Don't let someone else's experiences cripple you. Its not fair to you, your baby, or the other person quite honestly. I have lost a baby. Its hell. But that is not going to stop me from bonding with my baby for as long as I have them.

I agree with PPs. See your dr and talk to them about it. If you need medication, take it. As with anything in life, get the information you can and make a plan to prevent as much as you can. But at some point, you have to realize that life happens and there are things beyond our control.

OutOfStep81 · October 2013

@KendraBeam

My heart goes out to you. I have dealt with depression and anxiety (I also have a slight touch of OCD which comes out when my D and A are out of control) since my teens, have been on meds to manage them since I was 19 or 20. I'm 31 now. Seeking help was the best thing I ever did.

Help doesn't necessarily mean meds, but it may be the answer for your situation.

That said, what you're feeling regarding SIDS is some what normal. No, you can't let it cripple you and keep you from bonding with your LO, that is letting it take over and control you. But the fear will always be there to an extent.

With DS I bonded with him while I was pregnant. I worried a "normal" amount, then he arrived and the fear hit full force. I would stare at him sleeping and wonder how I could adore someone so much and dear god, what if he was taken from me.

Motherhood is terrifying. But it doesn't have to cripple you, nor does it have to rule you to the point where you set unrealistic expectations for yourself. To a point you need to face the fear, realize you are doing everything you can do prevent SIDS and controllable injuries (you know, normal baby proofing stuff, making sure bath water isn't too hot, the little things, etc.). Beyond that you have to let go and LIVE. Love your LO, enjoy them, play, laugh, LIVE. It's all you can do mama.

Hang in there sweets, you will be fine and a wonderful mother. *hugs*

Also, if you ever feel the need, PM me... ANYTIME.

SuzyQq02 · October 2013

I agree that taking to your doctor and getting a referral for a good therapist is going to be essential. we all go to great lengths to take care of ourselves physically while we are pregnant, it's not shameful to pay the same attention to our mental and emotional health as well.

Baby2CUsoon · October 2013

There will ALWAYS be something for us mothers to fear. All that can be done is live our lives day by day and do what we need to do that day.
Do not fear tomorrow because no, it may not come. But today did! You are not alone in your fears at all. Like I said being a mother there is ALWAYS something. Just love your child, it's okay to let them in! God forbid something ever happen to babies but if it does it can be mourned than. Dont mourn it today okay? Today you are a pregnant mother expecting a happy bouncy baby!

RondackHiker · October 2013

Just a general tip: when someone is talking about crippling fear and anxiety, telling them just to let go and accept some things are out of our control doesn't help.

OutOfStep81 · October 2013

RondackHiker said:

Just a general tip: when someone is talking about crippling fear and anxiety, telling them just to let go and accept some things are out of our control doesn't help.

I agree that professional help would be best for her at this point, but I was more referring to later on once you've gotten some help and coping skills...

Baby2CUsoon · October 2013

RondackHiker said:
Just a general tip: when someone is talking about crippling fear and anxiety, telling them just to let go and accept some things are out of our control doesn't help.

directed?

Kedra231 · October 2013

There is NO guarantee at any point in our lives about our children.

I could give you a list of things, but obviously you don't need any more concerns. I think about it & it can be very hard not to be crippled by all of the worries, but there's a limit as to what you can do & control. You do your best, & if you're so crippled by your fear that it's hard for you to get through each day, then yes, it's time for you to talk to your doctor.

I will say this, you obv. did your research, so did you notice how many of the places claim it's more often boys/2nd borns? You can't rely on that, b/c they truly, honestly, do NOT have a firm cause or reason in place. My SIL's 1st baby, a girl, stopped breathing in the hospital. Thankfully they were both there & alert, & were able to get a nurse in there, but it happened several more times before they left. They were advised to get an Angel Care Monitor, & also told what to do, including slapping the baby's feet when the breathing became too slow or wonky...for whatever reason, it acted as a stimulant.

I would research the Angel Care Monitors...they are no guarantee, & I hear that sometimes they give a lot of false alarms, esp. if your baby wiggles off the mat, but it sounds to me like you'd prefer some false alarms to NO alarms at all, so, it's something else you could research, but again, there's no guarantee with those, either, b/c sometimes, regardless of best efforts, parents can't do anything.

But honestly, would you want to go through life holding back from your child, just in case something should happen? With that reasoning, your husband, nor anyone else in your life should have your whole heart, b/c life happens & all the negative stuff in it, to everyone at some point. You owe your child more than that. You're bringing in an innocent baby that has NO control over your fears & personal issues, & that baby deserves the very best you can give them, & that doesn't mean money, that means love & attention & your whole heart.

RondackHiker · October 2013

Baby2CUsoon said:

RondackHiker said:
Just a general tip: when someone is talking about crippling fear and anxiety, telling them just to let go and accept some things are out of our control doesn't help.
directed?

At everyone telling someone with anxiety to just let it go?

Baby2CUsoon · October 2013

RondackHiker said:

Baby2CUsoon said:

RondackHiker said:
Just a general tip: when someone is talking about crippling fear and anxiety, telling them just to let go and accept some things are out of our control doesn't help.
directed?
At everyone telling someone with anxiety to just let it go?

I saw no one tell her to let it go. I saw posts of women comforting her and infoming here about the many years ahead of stress and anxietty that is a normal thing to come with having children.
when seeing a Dr. they will work on coping methods. That is exactly the same advice of me and two other women, you can not let these feelings go but we all have to learn to deal with them. Thats a fact not a thing of ignorance.

mythaldo · October 2013

I understand your fear of SIDS; it's normal to keep it in mind p, but definitely don't spend too much time worrying about something you can do little about. Only suggestion I have for you is to look into a movement monitor. I'm getting a Snuza Halo baby movement monitor and then hoping for the best otherwise.

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