I don't think I'm going to make it....

Sunday924 · October 2013

....the next 4.5 years. At this rate it will be 5.5 but I guess if we get down to it he will probably be a HS drop out and it will be less. I'm pretty sure I have the worst SS on the planet. There are no sex and drugs involved but everything else you could think of. He wants to go live with his mom and since his SF is in jail BM sees $$$$ in child support so she wants him to move in too. She has been MIA the last 9 months but apparently she is now mom of the year. When SS came home Sunday he said his mom was going to "put the papers through" so he could move. When DH asked her what that means she said she isn't going to court (she would never win or really try). So she is putting thoughts in his head just to hurt him. SS is purposely failing his classes and he just quit football (coach didn't even talk to DH but that is another issue). I wish DH would just let him go. I really don't want him around me or my children.

SimpleJane · October 2013

There is no sex or drugs but everything else you can think of.....
Is he violent?

Because if not your post comes off extremely over the top. He is what, 13? He has a BSC druggie mom who is in and out and he is probably going through puberty as well as all the other highschool aged pressures and emotions. Now he has a SM who is saying he is the worst SS in the whole wotld and she doesn't want him around her or her children.

Im sorry, but when a 13-14 year old starts failing school and quitting sports all while dealing with some seriously heavy emotional stuff like an absent mother and your reaction is not "what can we do to help him?" and instead is "I dont want him around me and my kids", and "I have the worst SS ever", you are an ASSHOLE.

MarSamWhitney · October 2013

I agree w/ pp- it can be the age that is rough. I am having a hard time with my SS right now who is 15 and it started a few years ago. The once sweet boy 10 years ago is starting to grow up, and boy he is not acting right, nor liking me at all.

Hopefully you can sit back and look at the bigger picture here. Who is he better off with? I'm sure you know the answer. We often have to set aside what is easier for us and think what is best for the child. Biological or not.

Sunday924 · October 2013

Yes he is violent. I have heel prints in my front door tonight from him kicking it. Last week when I called the police they said they couldn't/ wouldn't do anything unless he puts his hands on us or throws something directly at us. Call me all the names you want because I know his behavior is not ok for my kids to be around. When he is telling my 6 yo's fuck you and things of the sort I don't want him around my children.

Sunday924 · October 2013

DH isn't going to let him leave. I would never ask DH to make that choice. If it comes down to it I will leave.

MarSamWhitney · October 2013

Ahh, clearly I don't know your backstory. :butting out: lol

SimpleJane · October 2013

Im sorry, I've seen you post a lot about your BM being crazy, but never SS being violent towards anyone. Obviously physical violence is an issue that is much bigger than what your OP covers about bad grades and quitting football. Is SS in counseling?

Littlejen22 · October 2013

If you think that is the worst SS in the world you are sorely mistaken. Have you read people's stories on here? The more you post the more I think you like drama.

Sunday924 · October 2013

So the cops just left. He started punching holes in the wall so DH called. They actually stayed this time and had a talk with him. They still would not take him but I think the talk was good for him. Couldn't hurt at least. Jen I don't like drama actually. I come her to vent and get advise (this post I didn't directly ask but I will still take it) because I don't want to share it with anyone IRL. I understand I don't have the worst and maybe that was a bit dramatic but you have no idea what is going on in my home just as I don't know how things were in your home when SD lived there. This isn't a my kid it the worst competition it's a hey my SS is really freakin bad and I'm lost, don't know what to do, I need to type this out somewhere post. So if you only have negative crap to say to me then why reply?

Sunday924 · October 2013

SimpleJane said:

Im sorry, I've seen you post a lot about your BM being crazy, but never SS being violent towards anyone. Obviously physical violence is an issue that is much bigger than what your OP covers about bad grades and quitting football. Is SS in counseling?

I know. We just got home from the stadium and that was in my mind. I was just venting about how he wants to leave but I guess I needed to give more detail. He starts therapy week. He should have started a long time ago but at least it's help.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

It totally is not a competition. Hey I have dealt with the screaming, throwing things (not at people), bad grades, drugs, sex, hospital for psych eval, cops at our house etc. but I never once said I'm pretty sure I have the worst SD on the planet. Hell I did not even have the worst situation on this board. What do you expect the police to do with a 13.5yo who is not hurting people or doing drugs? I do not rember you ever saying he has committed a crime. Cursing sucks majorly and I get it believe me I do but they are not exactly going to send him away for it. Same for kicking a door. Kicking a door is nt violence but is a serious indicator that things could get way worse. This kid needs help. Where do you want them to send him at 13? Juvenile detention? Psych ward? So far it does not sound like he has done anything to deserve that severe of a reaction but he surely is in serious need of therapy. But if he is living with someone that wants him carted away you are partially to blame. You cannot just blame his Mom for being absent because he has a Dad too and in this post you say nothing about the help you are trying to get him. He is in middle school, he is my a lost cause yet. If you are not cut out for this I understand but you need to admit it and move on instead of adding to the problems.

Ilumine · October 2013

Honey, I have had a horrible stepparenting situation. My SS was (and still is) a screamer. He kicked doors. He threw things. He has kicked the dogs. He will use foul language. He has attacked myself - locking me INTO the house and then trying to breakdown the door to continue his barages. And just one year ago he physically attacked DH for the third and last time.

But you know what? IT IS NOT ALL HIS FAULT. And it is NOT all BM's fault. Hell, it is not all DH's fault. I need to take the blame as well because I did not stand up to DH in the beginning and force him to follow the professionals therapy strategies - I was too weak in my marriage to do what was right.

Because we all screwed the pooch with raising him.

And that is why I can judge this situation. Because I lived with the exact same thing.

You, my dear are as much at fault for how this CHILD is acting or reacting to the situations around him. I mean seriously? His mother abandoned him and he starts acting out and you are JUST NOW starting him in therapy?

How can that NOT be YOUR (that collective you and dh) fault? What have you DONE?

sweetwalks · October 2013

I'm sorry you're feeling this way; but, I have to agree with PP's. It is not SS fault. The adults in his life, all of you, are in this too.

Do everything you can to help him. Not push him aside. You'd never ask DH to make that decision, you'd just leave? It's the same thing. You're essentially giving your DH an ultimatum without calling it that. It's you or SS. That's not fair, and I'm sure SS senses the resentment. Probably why he is acting out.

Sunday924 · October 2013

This isnt is first time in therapy. When he was 8 he dis something bad that I won't go into because I don't want you all to judge ME on what HE did. He went for about 1.5 years and we stopped. I realize we never should have stopped. I agree that we are all to blame but SS did not start acting this bad until his mom came back at the beginning of September. He has always had problems but never like this.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

But you did not answer the question He is 13 and you were mad the police did not do anything What did you expect them to do?

Sunday924 · October 2013

Littlejen22 said:

But you did not answer the question He is 13 and you were mad the police did not do anything What did you expect them to do?

Punching holes in the wall is vandalism no? Well I sure thought it was until last night. I wanted him taken for the night. He wasn't going to calm down without the police. DH has also talked about taking him to have a mental evaluation because the police suggested that last time.

fellesferie · October 2013

I think (and I could be wrong) that you would have to press charges. The police are not going to take a child to juvenile detention for one night because parents want to teach him a lesson.

Saddling a 13-yo with a record is probably not what you want.

I hope you/YH plan on making him fix the wall. With his own money and his own time.

Sunday924 · October 2013

We are going to make him fix the wall. He will never be able to pay for it as he just had that huge phone bill he is still working off. Actually he isn't currently working it off because he refuses to do anything. We have cleaned out his room (mattress on the floor) and we took away all his things and he is wearing last years school clothes and shoes. The clothes part and things out of his room are not because he owes us money but because he shows zero respect.

Lavender P · October 2013

If you've taken away everything he really has no incentive to listen to you because he has nothing to lose. He need a "carrot" as obviously the "sticks" aren't working. I don't think his behavior is in any way acceptable but it is understandable with all the craziness in his life.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

He shows zero respect so you make him wear clothing that I assume is slightly small on him? Embarrassing him and making him wear old clothes will not earn respect.

You do know the types of thins that happen to kids when they go to juvy (sp) right? Punching holes in walls is usually handled by parents not police. If they take him away you do not get to choose how long he stays. And I should clarify that SD made the police take her to the hospital and refused to come home. They therapist quickly told her if she wants them to keep we she will be evaluated and she will have no control over how long she stays or who can visit her. I think you are so but bein mad that you are not considering what will happen. An angry kid will likely get hurt or learn more if the police keep him. They are not likely keeping a minor in a holding cell like a drunk over night. And they might get CPS involved too. I am not saying these are not issues but they are not as bad as they will get if you don't stop wanting the police to take him away. If you cannot be the person to Leo then take your kids and leave instead of threatening.

fellesferie · October 2013

Sunday924 said:

We are going to make him fix the wall. He will never be able to pay for it as he just had that huge phone bill he is still working off. Actually he isn't currently working it off because he refuses to do anything. We have cleaned out his room (mattress on the floor) and we took away all his things and he is wearing last years school clothes and shoes. The clothes part and things out of his room are not because he owes us money but because he shows zero respect.

It sounds very much like you have a child who is desperate for attention and is struggling emotionally. Disrespect is an attention-getting behavior.

You, as his parents, need to find a way to motivate him. That's your job. If you can't, then get some help from a therapist. I agree w/ pp who said he's got no incentive.

Taking stuff away does not work for my 8-yo. Which isn't to say we don't do it. But if we have to take away his electronics, for example, they're gone for an hour. Then he's told he can try again later.

Get your SS into therapy. Do some family therapy. I don't think you have a bad kid; I think you have a kid in a tough situation combined with some parenting issues.

ambrvan · October 2013

fellesferie said:

Sunday924 said:

We are going to make him fix the wall. He will never be able to pay for it as he just had that huge phone bill he is still working off. Actually he isn't currently working it off because he refuses to do anything. We have cleaned out his room (mattress on the floor) and we took away all his things and he is wearing last years school clothes and shoes. The clothes part and things out of his room are not because he owes us money but because he shows zero respect.

It sounds very much like you have a child who is desperate for attention and is struggling emotionally. Disrespect is an attention-getting behavior.

You, as his parents, need to find a way to motivate him. That's your job. If you can't, then get some help from a therapist. I agree w/ pp who said he's got no incentive.

Taking stuff away does not work for my 8-yo. Which isn't to say we don't do it. But if we have to take away his electronics, for example, they're gone for an hour. Then he's told he can try again later.

Get your SS into therapy. Do some family therapy. I don't think you have a bad kid; I think you have a kid in a tough situation combined with some parenting issues.

100% agree.

Don't give up on him yet. He is going through a lot. And that's not to say you that you aren't going through a lot, also. But giving up on him is just one more inventive for him to fail rather than rise above this, learn to cope (which is a skill that parents must teach), and succeed.

I really hope you work through this and that you can also learn to cope and eventually thrive.

But let me tell you from how I acted as a kid, it is so much easier for a child to hate the people who are their biggest supporters, who are always there, who they don'tthink they need to worry about being abandoned by.

My in-laws gave up on my DH when he was about 13, and he was sent to nine around from house to house between other family members and friends. It was not until he had someone to believe in him that he started to turn things around. And he was an adult with a lifetime of bad choices behind him and suicide on his mind by then. He can tell you now that his actions were his responsibility, but he can also tell you how hopeless and angry and scared it made him as a 13yo to be told he was a lost cause and was to dangerous and disrespectful to be around the people heshould have always been able to count on.

Sunday924 · October 2013

I'm listening to all of you but I just have to say that his clothes do fit him perfectly. They are a small in men which is the same size he wears this year. The shoes he is wearing are his workout shoes. The correct size they just aren't name brand. We took his new clothes and name brand things because of his lack of respect. He wanted to talk about my job and my H's job along with many other things. SS doesn't appreciate it then he doesn't get it. Taking everything was advice from the police. If the therapist says something different we will give it all back. I feel like he does have an incentive....he improves his behavior then he will go back to life pre September. I agree that there are parenting issues. SS is 12 years younger than me. I'm not supposed to know how to deal with this yet. Not an excuse for anything I have done just a fact. My H and BM have both played there parts but I 100% believe my H has done the best he knows how. I know SS is not a lost cause and I really hope he (we) turn this around with the right help but I see so much of BM and DH's brother (he is a loser...sad but true) in this child that I see him going down and staying down that path.

fellesferie · October 2013

Taking stuff away makes sense. We all do it. But for most kids, I don't think it works. And from what you have said, it isn't working for your SS.

I'm not suggesting you just hand him all his privileges/electronics/toys/whatever. But I guess I would try more of a schedule. Like he's doing homework until 5pm and when he's done he gets 30 minutes of screen time and a snack. Then after dinner he is expected to spend 30 minutes earning payback money or working on the wall. Then when he completes that, he gets to have a favorite device until bed.

With my DS, we do points ("home token economy"). It's not perfect, but it goes a LONG way toward motivating him on a daily basis. Maybe if he could work on earning points (or whatever currency you want) to earn back his stuff, it would give him a sense of control and even hope.

Please be careful comparing a child to an adult. I do it too, but I try to remind myself that the ways in which DS is similar to XH (for example) are the ways XH acts like a child.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Banging head into wall and backing away.

xmaryrickx · October 2013

What a clusterfuck.

I get that you are frustrated. You need to get yourself some serious help. Stat. The things YOU are saying are absolutely appalling and it makes me wonder how much support he is getting. You know his mother is toxic, that he is clearly having issues yet he has not been in counseling for over two years?

This boy is crying out for help. He is angry, lost and desperate. He doesn't need anyone else to give up on him. He also doesn't need to be treated like a prisoner. He is being denied necessities because of frustration and anger. His clothes were taken away? Wtf. It's not too late to save this kid, but it will be very very soon.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

Sunday924 said:

Littlejen22 said:

But you did not answer the question He is 13 and you were mad the police did not do anything What did you expect them to do?

Punching holes in the wall is vandalism no? Well I sure thought it was until last night. I wanted him taken for the night. He wasn't going to calm down without the police. DH has also talked about taking him to have a mental evaluation because the police suggested that last time.

You can't vandalize your own property, and as far as the police are concerned the house is SS' property as well. If I punch a hole in the bedroom wall, DH can't have me arrested for vandalism.

Sigir · October 2013

Wow. I feel very badly for your ss. He has no one who is advocating for him. I can't imagine stripping his room of everything like you did. Seems like it'd do more harm than good. He needs help, please don't see him as a lost cause at 13. And I agree w ppers, if you can't step up and so the hard work, then take your kids and go. I know you may feel he is a bad example for your kids, but what kind of example will you be to them if you show them that you give up on their brother when he needs you most? That may be the more damaging 'bad example' IMO.

What does this mean "he wants to talk about my job and dh's job"? Is this part of the things he is doing that are bad?

+just+j+ · October 2013

One word: THERAPY.

Lots of it. For ALL OF YOU.

hopanka · October 2013

I always wonder what type of a father is in these kids' lives. Kids that somehow have the balls to punch holes in the wall, kick doors in and otherwise damage their dad's home. I must say my brothers were high strung teens, full of testosterone hockey players, so were my cousins and my nephew, but this never happenned. I think they knew DAD would KILL them. They all had that healthy fear, perhaps respect, that would prevent this from ever happenning. Yeah, they would get pissed, but it never crossed that line. What sort of personality traits do these fathers possess that their kids feel like they can go there? To me, These dads must have a combination of weak authority, limp noodle personality and zero charisma, if these kids actually go through with it. It kinda screams dad you're a POS, I have no respect for you and look how Im gonna shit on you now.

rmjones15 · October 2013

Yikes. I think it's time for some compassion. 13 is a CHILD. Why would you want a child in jail...why would you want the police teaching him a lesson? Being a loving (not reactive) parent is hard, but it's worth it.

SimpleJane · October 2013

Littlejen22 said:
Banging head into wall and backing away.

yupppp

Sunday924 · October 2013

hopanka said:

I always wonder what type of a father is in these kids' lives. Kids that somehow have the balls to punch holes in the wall, kick doors in and otherwise damage their dad's home. I must say my brothers were high strung teens, full of testosterone hockey players, so were my cousins and my nephew, but this never happenned. I think they knew DAD would KILL them. They all had that healthy fear, perhaps respect, that would prevent this from ever happenning. Yeah, they would get pissed, but it never crossed that line. What sort of personality traits do these fathers possess that their kids feel like they can go there? To me, These dads must have a combination of weak authority, limp noodle personality and zero charisma, if these kids actually go through with it. It kinda screams dad you're a POS, I have no respect for you and look how Im gonna shit on you now.

Um no my husband had him on the ground restraining him. My husband is the exact opposite of all those things you listed. Nice try though.

EarthandFire · October 2013

Does SS have a healthy outlet for his frustration? BH has a heavy bag he'll go work for an hour when he's stressed. If SS is physical acting out could this be a constructive and healthy outlet for him too?

bebe11 · October 2013

There has got to be a better way to handle this. I wouldn't take his clothes and shoes away and for a police officer to suggest that is ridiculous.

Sunday924 · October 2013

JNL$LSM said:

One question would you do this or say all of this if he was your bio child.

I can't say for sure because my oldest bio is 6 but most likely yes. You all don't know how I am IRL. You all only know what I am VENTING here. My MIL and mom told me on two different occasions that SS told her that he knew I was the only one in his life to truly give a crap about him. It's not true as his dad cares a great deal about him but when it comes to punishment and things of the sort I'm the voice of reason. I don't want this for him. I don't want him to have to go to school in old clothes. I bought the kid nice clothes to go to school in. Do you think I just like all that money I spent sitting on the floor in my room? Do you think I want him getting crap for wearing old clothes? I want him to behave and I'm taking advice from the officer that has been to my house multiple times just this month.

Sunday924 · October 2013

Spooko said:

JNL$LSM said:

One question would you do this or say all of this if he was your bio child.

I feel like the answer, given a post like this, is MY child would never act like that....

I seriously don't understand why people who have nothing but negative crap to say post. This is not the case at all. I'm sure MY children will give me hell. I'm not this evil person who only cares about MY kids.

hopanka · October 2013

Sunday924 said:

JNL$LSM said:

One question would you do this or say all of this if he was your bio child.

I can't say for sure because my oldest bio is 6 but most likely yes. You all don't know how I am IRL. You all only know what I am VENTING here. My MIL and mom told me on two different occasions that SS told her that he knew I was the only one in his life to truly give a crap about him. It's not true as his dad cares a great deal about him but when it comes to punishment and things of the sort I'm the voice of reason. I don't want this for him. I don't want him to have to go to school in old clothes. I bought the kid nice clothes to go to school in. Do you think I just like all that money I spent sitting on the floor in my room? Do you think I want him getting crap for wearing old clothes? I want him to behave and I'm taking advice from the officer that has been to my house multiple times just this month.

So, if you say I'm wrong on the whole weak authority thing...what do you mean by "when it comes to punishments I'm the voice of reason." What does your H do that is not reasonable? Does his kid walk all over him, or is he the other opposite...does he just go off and punishes to excess? What is your H doing that his kid feels like he can destroy his father's house?

Sunday924 · October 2013

hopanka said:

Sunday924 said:

JNL$LSM said:

One question would you do this or say all of this if he was your bio child.

I can't say for sure because my oldest bio is 6 but most likely yes. You all don't know how I am IRL. You all only know what I am VENTING here. My MIL and mom told me on two different occasions that SS told her that he knew I was the only one in his life to truly give a crap about him. It's not true as his dad cares a great deal about him but when it comes to punishment and things of the sort I'm the voice of reason. I don't want this for him. I don't want him to have to go to school in old clothes. I bought the kid nice clothes to go to school in. Do you think I just like all that money I spent sitting on the floor in my room? Do you think I want him getting crap for wearing old clothes? I want him to behave and I'm taking advice from the officer that has been to my house multiple times just this month.

So, if you say I'm wrong on the whole weak authority thing...what do you mean by "when it comes to punishments I'm the voice of reason." What does your H do that is not reasonable? Does his kid walk all over him, or is he the other opposite...does he just go off and punishes to excess? What is your H doing that his kid feels like he can destroy his father's house?

I don't want you to think my H is a monster and saying something this simple shouldn't make you think that but with this board who knows.....I would say he tends to punish in excess. He has tried to lighten up and take a different approach but I'm not sure how that is working out....obviously. The police also said SS needs an ass whipping but my H hasn't spanked SS in years.

sweetwalks · October 2013

SimpleJane said:

Littlejen22 said:
Banging head into wall and backing away.
yupppp

Yep!

CurlyQ284 · October 2013

My DH had everything taken for bad grades. He slept on a bare mattress as a teenager. They even took away his pillow. He then had nothing to lose so he didn't care.

I honestly wouldnt take parenting advice from a cop. They don't have training in child development. I would see what the therapist says and follow that.

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