I don't know what to do anymore!!....vent!

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I feel like I'm at my breaking point. For those that don't know I'm currently a SAHM. SO works long hours this time of year so I am pretty much home alone. We don't live near any friends or family. DS is a pretty needy/fussy baby most of the time. DS was supposed to start going to daycare this week 1 day a week so I could get a break and he could be around other kids. But SO said that's not happening anymore as we don't need to spend the money! Ugh. I can't find any decent jobs around here either. I love my son but I think I can love him better if I'm not with him 24/7! It gets so stressful being home with DS all day alone when he is super fussy and nothing works to make him happy and no one is around to help me out. I also feel like I'm getting depressed. I blew up on the phone to SO tonight when he told me he would be late. I told him that I can't do this much longer and if I have to pack up me and DS and move to find a job I will, I can't handle being home alone anymore. I am mentally and physically exhausted!! Sorry so long....I just needed to vent to people that would listen to me.

JSS1002 · October 2013

Oh man -- I'm so sorry. I would absolutely lose it too.I remember when you posted about getting one day a week with LO at daycare, and I thought "that is TOTALLY what I would need if I were a SAHM." HOw disappointing to have that taken away from you. Can you discuss it again when cooler heads prevail?

Hugs.

danuli8 · October 2013

I think you should tell your DH "Either we pay for 1 day a week of daycare, or we pay for psychiatric therapy for me after I FLIP MY FREAKIN' LID. Your choice."

Seriously, that daycare is MONEY WELL SPENT. Your DH is a giant douchecanoe for not realizing this.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

JSS1002 said:
Oh man -- I'm so sorry. I would absolutely lose it too.I remember when you posted about getting one day a week with LO at daycare, and I thought "that is TOTALLY what I would need if I were a SAHM." HOw disappointing to have that taken away from you. Can you discuss it again when cooler heads prevail?

Hugs.

Nope he said he changed his mind and daycare is just an unneeded exspense right now.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

danuli8 said:
I think you should tell your DH "Either we pay for 1 day a week of daycare, or we pay for psychiatric therapy for me after I FLIP MY FREAKIN' LID. Your choice."

Seriously, that daycare is MONEY WELL SPENT. Your DH is a giant douchecanoe for not realizing this.

He seriously has no idea what it is like to spend day after day home alone with a crabby baby! He doesn't get it!

AnnieJar · October 2013

It is so hard to be so isolated. This was me three and a half years ago with my DS. Eventually I went back to work part time and that helped. I also slowly made mom friends which helped combat some of the monotony of identical days of crying, fussing, nursing and diaper changes. That was tough though and I still don't have anyone I'm super close with that I could ask to watch my kids in a pinch. The day of daycare sounds like a good solution. I find it can be hard for husbands who are not at home with the kids on their own much to understand what we go through every day as they can never truly experience it. Hang in there!

camdensmom32 · October 2013

DS has his 6 month appt tomorrow so I will be asking his doc if something is causing him to be this fussy! I've started taking him out for walks 1-2 times a day. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I just feel if I can't find a job then I have no choice but to pack up me and DS and leave to get a job and be closer to friends and family.

arschm02 · October 2013

My heart aches for you right now. DH works nights and some weekends and I feel like this from time to time. I can't imagine the isolation you feel having to deal with this daily. Are there any ECFE classes in your area? This may be a good place to meet other SAHM/local moms and give you a little break from LO with some adult time.

CanukMam · October 2013

christineeberle said:

Oh man -- I'm so sorry. I would absolutely lose it too.I remember when you posted about getting one day a week with LO at daycare, and I thought "that is TOTALLY what I would need if I were a SAHM." HOw disappointing to have that taken away from you. Can you discuss it again when cooler heads prevail?

Hugs.
Nope he said he changed his mind and daycare is just an unneeded exspense right now.

How about one day a week just leave LO with DH. Just walk out and tell him u need a break and if you can't afford someone to watch LO then DH can do it for free

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I live in a very tiny town. So there isn't anything like that here. I would have to travel a half to an hour to find one. I'm sure SO wouldn't give me gas money for that....he would probably consider it an unneeded exspense. I seriously appreciate all you ladies for your kind thoughts and words. It nice to have people who understand!!

JSS1002 · October 2013

Also, I realize that because you're not working maybe thisis just the way it is,but I don't like the way he has to "give you" money for everything -- It sounds kind of like you're trapped. Yes, he's earning the income,but you're caring for his CHILD. Seems like it should be your money together, not just his.

Hang in there.

leasaj · October 2013

I was home for the first 4 months and DH was working a lot to cover missing paycheck. I completely get where you are coming from. There were some days I wanted to tear my hair out. Now that I'm back go work there are days I miss my LO so badly that I cry during my pumping time. If you are feeling depressed/overwhelmed please talk to your Dr. PPD can occur months after delivering.

ClandestineX · October 2013

JSS1002 said:

Also, I realize that because you're not working maybe thisis just the way it is,but I don't like the way he has to "give you" money for everything -- It sounds kind of like you're trapped. Yes, he's earning the income,but you're caring for his CHILD. Seems like it should be your money together, not just his.

Hang in there.

I agree with this. I am not the type that usually takes money, but I'd go ahead and get a sitter or that daycare you wanted anyways. It is a necessary expense. All he will do is just be mad and honestly him being mad is far better than you falling into a depression because of this.

JBDamonM · October 2013

Huge hugs my friend! I get this. I totally do. My DH has begun traveling for work and I know how long those days are.....it's really hard being by yourself all day and the sole caretaker, I give you huge credit for being a SAHM and hope you and your SO can find a happy medium so you can get a break. I wish you lived closer, I would totally have you over for a wine, I mean play date. Hang in there!

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I do feel trapped! I can't go and do anything without SO giving me money!

lilbit0910 · October 2013

During maternity leave I felt the same way. It's hard being a SAHM. My hats off to you. Try and talk to your SO once again. He has to understand if you are not happy it affects all three of you . And you need alone time . Maybe a manicure , pedicure or an hour at the gym would all help. He needs to be there for you and your LO . And the girls are right, it's not " his" money just cause you aren't working. Hang in there and keep us posted . I hope the doctor has some answers for you tomorrow . Xoxo

ClandestineX · October 2013

christineeberle said:

I do feel trapped! I can't go and do anything without SO giving me money!

I know it is easier said than done, but you need to change that...quickly.

ClandestineX · October 2013

Before I got added to my husband's bank account, we both made sure the bills were paid.. then I went to an ATM and got out enough money that would last me until I saw him again in 2 weeks, while he was here I would take his card and use it.

If you do go ahead and get daycare or whatever, and he gets mad about it.. tell him it was an early Christmas present or something... just to try and smother the anger.

He needs to stop being controlling with the money. It is a serious issue.

JSS1002 · October 2013

ClandestineX said:

He needs to stop being controlling with the money. It is a serious issue.

It's a very serious issue and speaks to more than just finances. You're a grown adult and should be treated as an equal, not like a kid asking for an advance on your allowance.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

JSS1002 said:

ClandestineX said:

He needs to stop being controlling with the money. It is a serious issue.

It's a very serious issue and speaks to more than just finances. You're a grown adult and should be treated as an equal, not like a kid asking for an advance on your allowance.

Yeah I usually make allowance jokes to SO. I hate not having my own money. I'm kicking around the idea of starting my own business as a home care assistant so hopefully that will work out and A) it will get me out of the house and a break from DS and

I will have my own money again!

burneyonboard · October 2013

I feel you girl. I'm a sahm and I'm going through the same thing myself with a 3 year old too. I feel like I can't even shower with at least one kid with me. My ds won't take a bottle so if I leave him, I have to rush home and immediately get handed a baby the second I walk in the door. It's easy to feel like you are slipping into a depression but hang in there. I agree with pp and demand some you time!!!

ClandestineX · October 2013

JSS1002 said:

ClandestineX said:

He needs to stop being controlling with the money. It is a serious issue.

It's a very serious issue and speaks to more than just finances. You're a grown adult and should be treated as an equal, not like a kid asking for an advance on your allowance.

Yep, I had a problem with my husband treating me like a child because of our age difference once... he tried the whole keeping money away from me and I put his RC Truck up on Ebay. He didn't like that, but it got my point across.. "I do not ask for much, but what I do ask for is important to just more than me. It might keep my sanity and keep me from throwing a pillow over your head at night."

Do not be afraid to -tell- him what you need. Not ask him. If you guys are together in a relationship you all share. He would expect you to share your money if you were working too.

MKC12/22/2006 · October 2013

I am sorry for you! I was home alone with DS all summer while DH worked. DS was a very fussy baby for a long time, and we had some hard days. If I didn't have family to help, I would have gone insane!

I also live in a small town, but there are jobs here. Is there possibly a job you could take part time that isn't perfect for you but would work for now? Or check out teleworking jobs so you can work from home and send LO to daycare on those days.

I hope things get better for you soon!

camdensmom32 · October 2013

SO came home and acted like nothing was wrong. I brought things up again and he said I have to hear about how bad your day is all day at work and how horrible our son is I don't want to talk about it again now that I'm home. Ugh! Well I reminded if if this job thing doesn't pan out DS and I may be gone!

ClandestineX · October 2013

christineeberle said:

SO came home and acted like nothing was wrong. I brought things up again and he said I have to hear about how bad your day is all day at work and how horrible our son is I don't want to talk about it again now that I'm home. Ugh! Well I reminded if if this job thing doesn't pan out DS and I may be gone!

I'd tell him "Yep, welcome to being a father, shit happens outside of your work."

I do hope whatever you decide to do, it works out for you. You deserve it.

Sol1790 · October 2013

I think the advice I would have given you has been mentioned already so im just gonna say im sorry your going through this. Hang in there! your a great mom and I hope you make the best decision for you and your family. Good luck! And dont be too upset ur LO can pick up on that. HUGS!

Mandmeesh · October 2013

If I were in this situation, I think I would have to leave and find a job. It seems very difficult and you said you feel trapped....that's terrible. I would get out. Get out and get yourself some freedom, and income, and give that baby a happy mommy

. Hugs!

camdensmom32 · October 2013

Nope we are not married.

BellaBean76 · October 2013

Is there a local gym with a daycare? My husband travels all week and when LO wasn't sleeping that place was my savior I would go and get a couple hours of me time...workout and then take a nice long shower while someone else took care of my baby girl!

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I wish there was a gym like that around here! Sounds wonderful!

[Deleted User] · October 2013

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MsAmeera25 · October 2013

Go to meetup.com and see if there are ANY groups in your area that you can join to meet people. Put an add up for a babysitter paying minimun wage i'm sure an older or younger person wouldn't mind watching the baby for afew hours for 7 bucks or so. As far as him being fussy, do you give him baths everyday? This calmed my LO when he was little or sing to him. BIG HUGS hope you feel better. PS do you have access to your hubby's account? If so take the money out and pay for daycare simple and easy peasy he'll be mad but at least you would have a day or so off

Lhyacinth888 · October 2013

I wish I could watch your LO for you for a few hours to help you out! Being a SAMH can be very isolating! We just moved and I don't know anyone around here except my MIL. I can understand if finances don't allow daycare but he said yes then no. He shouldn't give you that sense of hope then take it away. I would be super frustrated too! Being a SAHM is difficult enough and you LO sounds like he is a little more extra maintenance then the "normal" baby. I know my DD is high maintenance and I count down some days until my DH comes home from work. Even if he just holds her 30 mins I feel better- though some days he works late so I don't get that relief. Without the relief of my DH at least every few days, I would lose my mind with my kids! I don't have any advice but I can relate!

Debbie0580 · October 2013

I'm not sure if your town has a library but check there for story hour times or activities. LO might not get anything out of it right now but you'll at least meet other moms and it might open doors to play/coffee dates. The town I live in is only 900-1000 people but we have a library (only open a few mornings a week) with story hour. There are also lots of moms in my town with kids/babies. We try to have coffee once every couple weeks and between 3 and 8 moms are there. It's not getting out on your own but it at least will give you some adult interaction. I look forward to coffee mornings. Those days fly by!
Also, this is random, but check if your town has a Facebook page/website or a garage sale page. If they have a FB page/website it may have activities posted. Or if its a garage sale page you can ask there if there if there are any events in your town.

JSS1002 · October 2013

Your significant other isn't treating you like you are very significant. If I were in your shoes, I'd be gone -- file for child support and go stand on my own two feet. It simply isn't okay for him to be so controlling of your life. Actually, with how you've decribed it, it sounds like he WANTS you to leave.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I appreciate everyones advice and kind words. I'm going to try to get a job and if that doesn't work and things don't change DS and I are gone.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

My family and friends are about 2 1/2 hours away. I have plenty of people that we could stay with and would help us out. I'm sure he doesn't take me serious when I say I might leave with DS.

ClandestineX · October 2013

Then just pack up and go to your family. I am not saying to leave him totally, but he will see how serious you are when he comes home one day and finds you gone.

ETA: What I mean by pack up is take a small suitcase/backpack full of whatever you need and go, I do not know if you have a vehicle or if one of your friends/family could pick you up somewhere, if not you can look into a Greyhound ticket or something. Sometimes people need to realize.. harshly.. of what they have and what they may lose.

camdensmom32 · October 2013

I live in South Dakota. Today I'm feeling worried for myself. Just feel depressed and my anxiety is going crazy. I'm not myself anymore. Even my best friend said I wasn't myself last time she saw me. DS and I are on our way to his 6 month appt. Hopefully getting out of the house for a while helps.

jss1482 · October 2013

I am a little late to this discussion but I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is not right, and I am sure you know its not but starting over or change is scary always, especially with a new baby in tote, but something has to give. If you aren't feeling yourself, or stressed out or isolated like you are saying you are... I would put money on the fact that your LO is picking up on the tension. Babies are super in tune to that and I wouldn't be surprised even if you went away for a while to sort things out, took a breather and got yourself less stressed, you baby wouldn't be as fussy... I may be wrong but that really might be contributing to the fussiness. I am sooo very sorry, whatever you decide to do, be strong for you and LO and this too shall pass. hugs

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