Feel so bad (don't know what to do)

nikel13 · September 2013

H takes care of Lily while I am at work three days a week. Almost every Wednesday (this is their first day together without me in the week), Lily refuses to eat much more than twice in 9 hours and screams for at least 30 minutes. I BF and he bottle feeds her while I am at work. I don't know what to do to help him or her. She doesn't do this for me. I think part of the problem is that H cannot get Lily to nap more than 45 minutes at a time. She usually does two big naps for me, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I feel bad for both of them because there is obviously something off between the two of them.

When things are going good, H is over the moon. When things are going badly, the world is ending. He texts me extremely upset. Then, he sometimes won't answer the phone when I call him to see if everything is getting better. He freaks me out a little bit! This is my baby and I feel the need to help! It's almost as if I am being punished by both of them for coming to work. I don't know why she is like this with him and then a different child completely with me. Ergh!

You deserve cookies for reading this. It's a little repetitive.

rzurbr · September 2013

Aww hugs!

E does a lot better for me than MH which is frustrating for him and sad to me but they need to find what works for them. Have you talked to him about how you get her to nap for so long or what works to comfort and soothe her?

He shouldn't take it so personally as I'm sure she isn't always easy for you either. I think they just need to find what works for them which will take some trial and error.

nikel13 · September 2013

@rzurbr - Yeah. I've tried. He has been wanting to learn things the hard way it seems. The worst thing is that by learning the hard way, she is going through more.

rzurbr · September 2013

nikel13 said:

@rzurbr - Yeah. I've tried. He has been wanting to learn things the hard way it seems. The worst thing is that by learning the hard way, she is going through more.

It's ok MH is slow to try what I know works. Singing soothes E but husband refuses to sing because he sounds bad....umm I don't sound great either but it calms her down so does humming. You aren't auditioning for the Voice! Men!

costa2011 · September 2013

When I went back to work full time after maternity leave, my DH was left to take care of DD for 4 out of the 5 days of the week in the afternoons. After 3 months of me doing everything for her, it was a huge adjustment for the both of them. He would do the same thing you DH is doing. Calling me all the time, being super frustrated about everything. Eventually though, they have gotten to bond and know one another better. My daughter loves the sound of her dads voice, probably even more than mine. He knows now if he talks to her calmly and with a smile on his face, she is very attentive and will respond by being calm too. This took time for them both to figure this out. Give it time and they will bond and get the hang of it eventually.

steph_pegasus · September 2013

I'm sorry, that is difficult. When LO was first learning to eat from the bottle, she would get so frustrated that she would be screaming at DH. It gets better, he just needs to be patient and persistent with her.
And be open with him that it really bothers you when he doesn't answer the phone when you're calling. That's a big no-no.

BunnyLove416 · September 2013

I could have written this. DH is a freelancer with a schedule that changes constantly and on days he doesn't work L is home with him. It's extremely difficult to get phone calls/texts that they're both melting down, DH is basically in a constant state of trying to get L to nap which frustrates them both.

At first I would spend basically all day giving suggestions and pep talks but it was really hard for me because 1. I was jealous that I couldn't be home 2. I hated that they were both miserable. Finally I just took a step back, I offered advice when he wanted it but otherwise I let him figure it out on his days. He's starting to find a groove and although they still have tough days sometimes he's getting better at handling it.

It's still hard some days obviously, especially when I get home to a grumpy DH and pissy baby, like last night, but I just try to remind myself that he has to figure out how to be a parent just like I do.

lioness13 · September 2013

I totally understand your frustration. It sucks but you just have to give it time and let him figure out what works for them. Daddies and mommies do it differently. They will get used to each other and get in a rhythm soon. *hugs*

HeartLikeMine3 · September 2013

Ahhh I'm sorry your dealing with this, I know it's gotta be frustrating for all 3 of you. I am a SAHM and know all LOs cues and tricks to get him to sleep. I left LO with DH a couple Saturdays ago and he never got him to sleep I came home to a fussy baby. LO doesn't even nap well on the weekends when DH is home. It's like he is too curious and feels DH's high strung energy. I know it's hard but I'm sure in a couple weeks they will get into a groove and learn each other better. Sorry I don't have better advice, GL

ASmallWonder · September 2013

That's tough. Personally I've found that DH (even now on our second) often doesn't stick with one method of soothing for long enough. It's like "bounce bounce bounce, ok that didn't work. Raspberry! That didn't work. Swaddle, still pissed, take the swaddle off" etc. So he ends up thinking "nothing is working" when really, I would have kept on bouncing for 20 minutes if I had to and THEN I'd get the long nap. Is it possible something like that is happening?

nikel13 · September 2013

@elmoali - That's more than a possibility. He really doesn't stick to one thing very long.

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Feel so bad (don't know what to do)

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