Should I regress in amount of overnights?

filxoxo · September 2013

To keep it short, my daughter's father moved 2.5 hours away while I was pregnant. We didn't stay together but have been "co-parenting" since. During the first year of DD's life, BD came once a weekend (with a few skipped weeks) and visited for 2-3 hours at a time. He took her maybe 2-3 times for a few hours on their own but other than that, I was always with them. During that time he was living with his family and he recently moved out to his own place. Now that he was space and all the necessary amenities, I started to let him take DD overnight. We started with one night over the weekend. Over the holiday weekend, he asked to keep her an extra day since he wasn't working. I said, sure. When I got her back though, she started to hit me. And she has never, ever hit me before. I kind of wrote it off as a baby thing and it was only for the first day. Then a couple weeks later BD asked to take her two nights again and I figured it would be okay. When I got her back again, she was hitting again for that first day.
Now BD wants to file for joint custody and is insisting on having her 3 days a week. But I am thinking about going the other way and only doing every other weekend stays or just one night a weekend. BD's mother made mention that whenever she see's her blankie and dolly that I send her with, she instantly starts crying. To me, that's her association to home (with me) and her hitting me is her only way of expressing not liking the extended stays. I get that she needs to be with her father and I've been pretty easy going with it, but I feel like it's too much too soon.
She's 15 months, btw.
Opinions?

filxoxo · September 2013

Also, I'd like to add that he only asked to start taking her after he started paying for child support (when she turned 1) and mentioned he wants joint custody because he wants to pay less because he can't afford it....

ktedmon · September 2013

I know of a father who has custody of his son and he spends weekends and summers with his mom. This started when he was 5 (I know it's a bit of an age difference, but this is my example

). When he comes home after the summer or extended weekends, step-mom told me that they have to spend almost a week "deprogramming" him from visits with mom. Unfortunately, you don't know what happens at dads and his mom could be right. It may be her way of communicating her displeasure. What about splitting up the visits so they are not consecutive? I would talk to her pedi about it as it could also just be the age. I worked at a daycare for 5 years and when I was with the toddlers, we had a couple of hitters. You just have to be firm with them and consistent. Talk to BD about the behavior too. You two seem to be on pretty good terms and it would only help her.Good luck!

mamaHippo23 · September 2013

This is a normal age for hitting to start, but I would still keep a close eye on when the behavior occurs and what it seems to be associated with. If she is hitting as a reaction, like out of frustration, crankiness, or inability to communicate- that sounds pretty typical. But if the hitting seems deliberate, like when she doesn't want you to do something or is upset about a situation- that's a signal that it's more of an emotional expression.

Either way, definitely talk to her father about what's been happening on their visits. Ask him to observe her behavior too, and see if there's a pattern. Whatever's going on, both of you need to agree on how to handle the hitting and apply a consistent approach when it happens.

Good luck, I know this co-parenting thing is tough.

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