Hospital Plan...?

kva11isho · September 2013

I've mentioned it a couple of other places on the board, but for context I'll start here:

DH and I are matched with an expectant mom as of 8/11. We've been blessed to have met with her 3 times since then and will travel to see her again this Friday. The reason for so much contact so far has been that she requested we attend doctor appointments with her, and we normally have a meal with her afterward. We all get along very well, and she seems very confident in her decision so far. However, there have been a few things that I'm nervous to bring up for fear of seeming too eager or intruding on her privacy.

Having never been pregnant or experienced any of this before, the ultrasounds and checkups are a little overwhelming to me. I never know what to expect and don't know what a lot of things mean or indicate. I get nervous to ask questions - I feel like it's not my place to ask, yet. The baby is due in January, so I feel like it might be too early at times.

That being said, I wanted to see if any one out there has an opinion or experience with making a plan for the hospital? Our EM does have other children, so she may feel comfortable with what will happen at the hospital already, though this is her first adoption. She's told us that she wants me to be in the room with her, and it sounds like the baby will be "with us" right away after birth if all goes well. I have no idea if the hospital allows adoptive parents to stay in a room there, or if we will be in a hotel and only allowed at the hospital during visiting hours. I've read that some hospitals allow you to choose how much the baby is in the nursery and your room, and I'd like to be involved in other decisions if possible. I'd like to know as much of this before hand as possible. Am I expecting too much? Opinions on if/how I should ask our EM if she would do a hospital tour with us before her due date?

Dr.Loretta · September 2013

IMO these are not intrusive questions. It's not like you're asking her opinion on what color to paint your nursery, or whether you should buy this or that outfit. These are basic medical questions like "what's that blob in the middle of the screen?". You could always ask the u/s tech to explain things beforehand (maybe you could call them?), or run things by a SW if you're working with an agency to see how they've seen it handled.

As for the hospital plan, I think now is a good time to at least start asking about hospital plans before it gets really close and emotions get higher. Is there a way you can contact the hospital yourself, explain the situation, and see if you can find out their policies?

I'm saying all of this with the caveat that we were matched after birth, so we were just hospital visitors for a day or so before we took DD home. I'm sure you'll get more first-person experiences here

maryoosa · September 2013

We had a long match with our sons' birth parent. I attended most of his birth parent's ultrasound and doctors/midwives appointment at their request. At the U/s the tech always explained what exactly we were seeing- like "this is an arm, a leg etc, this is how many weeks the baby is measuring, and this is how much he/she weighs." While I was always excited and grateful to be included in that experience, I never felt like it was my place to ask questions- not my body, not my baby. If I felt a burning desire to ask a question, I'd ask our sons parent "Hey, would it be ok if I asked X" They always said yes.

In terms of the hospital, again, not my body, not my baby. I was flattered that the baby's parent asked me to attend a birthing center class and also a hospital tour, and I did both of those with them to be supportive.

The hospital plan was probably the hardest situation. The birth parent wasn't getting great guidance from the agency we were working with, and neither were we. We knew that they wanted to give birth in the birthing center of the hospital which would allow them to have multiple support people in the room during labor, birth and afterwards. Like most well-laid birth plans, this isn't how it went down. Our sons birth parent went into labor and delivered insanely fast. So, they weren't able to get into the birthing center, and had to birth in regular L & D. We weren't permitted to be in the room, because they only allowed 1 support person - and their partner was with them. They asked for us, but no one would allow us in. We were called shortly after the birth and my partner cut the baby's umbilical cord.

During the hospital stay (48 hours), we did not have access to the baby without the invitation of the baby's birth parent. The hospital only gave out one band, and that went to the partner. The baby roomed-in with his birth parent for as long as they were in the hospital, so honestly, there was no reason for us to have a wristband, or access to the baby, or our own room. We stayed in a hotel near the hospital and visited for a few hours each day of the time they were admitted for. After the baby's birth parent signed TPR, we waited until they were ready to leave the hosptial because our state requires that the lawyer be present at discharge. Even though we were all discharged around 2:30, we didn't wind up leaving until close to 7pm. We all walked out together, with the supervising nurse wheeling the baby out, and then she just sorta handed him to my partner we all left. Awkward.

I think for me the bottom line is, that until TPR is signed, we didn't have any right to make decisions about the baby. We didn't have to be consulted about anything. The time that the birth parent is in the hospital with their child is really the only time they will have to parent. So we stayed way backed off and let things roll. It was the hardest 72 hours of our life. And this was with having a blown-wide-open relationship with the birth parent.

orangecupcake · September 2013

You could always ask her if she's made a birth plan yet. We were given BM's birth plan, so we knew what to expect. Although things always change, as it did with us. We were in the delivery room and according to her plan, we were to care for DD from time of birth til discharge. DD ended up in the NICU, and BM decided we could not see her. It was really awkward as we did have a room in the hospital on the maternity ward, yet no baby to care for. We got a hotel room the next night, then stayed back in the hospital the next night to care for DD prior to discharge.

crene84 · September 2013

I agree with contacting the hospital. The hospital DD was born at had a social worker than handled adoption situations. I got in touch with her and found out that APs rarely got their own room, but there were two houses nearby that families could stay at for cheap...and there were two rooms off the nursery that we could spend time with DD in until she was released. We had a very quick match and not much time to discuss things with DD's BM, so we basically just asked her what she wanted as we went along and luckily that worked out. If you can plan ahead, that's a plus, but with emotions/hormones running high after birth, you never really know how things will end up.

CarolinaGirl2014 · September 2013

I think that you can certainly ask her if she's thought about a birth plan. Even if she hasn't, her response may give you an idea of what she's thinking. The director of the agency we're with asked me that recently and mentioned that she will actually be contacting the social worker at the hospital to find out more about their policies like giving adoptive parents a room. Most hospitals have a good bit of info on their websites- that's how I found out that I can have two guests besides my support person in the room for delivery and that they allow the baby to room with me as much as I want.

I think the EBM would also appreciate you offering to attend a birthing class and/ or tour- wording it that you'd love to do so IF she'd like. I know some EBM prefer to keep these months more private, but it doesn't sound like she is one of those. She may even be afraid to ask so much of you. I was nervous to ask my PAP's but did so anyway (our hospital has a tour in the birthing class) and they were thrilled.

That being said, I would be very careful in suggesting anything for the hospital. I am very open with my PAP's and want them as involved as possible, but I know that those hours we're in the hospital are the only I'll have with her as mine and am protective of them. I want them at every apt possible and want both of them there for the birth- I even want them to catch her and cut the cord. But I am going to have her room in with me for as long as I'm in the hospital and let them spend a few hours with her each day we're there. Something I've heard from many BM's is that their biggest regret was turning their babies over as soon as they were born and not saying a proper "hello" before saying "goodbye."

I was also matched with my PAP's in (late) August and am due Jan 15. Sometimes I'm nervous to say or ask things because it's still so new and I don't want to hurt or offend them. For us, we've found it easy to ask more touchy subjects over email with a disclaimer like "if this is too much or uncomfortable for you please tell me so as I am trying to think of your feelings in all this first- we can always broach this topic later" as it allows time to process and removes the pressure of answering favorably to your face. But that's just me.

Ginny0211 · September 2013

I think it's completely fine to ask her what her plan is for the birth and the stay at the hospital but I would suggest letting her know that you completely understand that things can change due to the course of labor and delivery or she may just feel different in the moment and need more space and time with the baby. After you have an idea of what she has envisioned then you can ask the hospital their rules as they would apply to her plan. And you could tell the EM that that is one reason why you're asking the plan, so you can go ahead and find out the hospital's rules.

For me I knew I wanted time with just the three of us (birth father, baby and me) and I knew I wanted the Aparents to visit at some point. It helped to see his Mom hold him and see her instantly fall in love

. But before I was in the moment I couldn't tell them how much time for visits, which day for visits, and how much time we needed on our own. The way it ended up the Aparents visited a couple times after birth. We had family visit as well and then on the day of discharge we spent a lot of time just the three of us. I held him and we cried and I am so glad I had that time, those last moments of being his Mommy and that time to bond and say good bye to being his parent. That was the hardest day of my life but those are also moments I will cherish forever.

MrsSwaite2 · September 2013

Our daughter was born last Monday and we were caught totally off guard. She was taken to a different hospital than originally discussed. So, our attorney did not have a chance to call the hospital social worker. We also had an issue with the woman our birth mom had lived with, she caused us undue stress. She was trying to control our birth moms decisions, and unfortunately the social worker fed into the chaos. So, my one peice of advise is to make sure you have a clear understanding of the hospital policies. Have your agency or attorney make contact with the social worker. When we went to pick up our daughter she shared with us that she would not have spoken with us, only our attorney. They are there to advocate for the emom so they may seem a little harsh until all the nesessary paperwork is signed. The minute our bmom signed off she was super nice. I agree with previous posters that it is this is still the emom's special time, and as hard as that time will be for you, it's important for your future child. Even though ours was a completely closed adoption(safety reasons) we did receive a picture of our birth mom holding our little one. It is something I'm so grateful to have. You may feel very alone, that is totally understandable. Just remember to reach out, it was so nice to receive support from this board.

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