The bright side...

roughkat · September 2013

I'm not by nature an incredibly optimistic person, and this 2IF journey has not improved my tendency to get discouraged. I'm trying to intentionally block that when it happens so I don't get too depressed. One of the things that gets to me most is how every cycle that ends in BFN means that much more of an age difference between DS and his sibling (if and when that happens). So I'm trying to think of the good things that a larger age difference will mean.

1) Less time with 2 in daycare at once. I know the total will end up being the same, but the monthly hit will be less. DS will be 33 months in a few weeks, and his daycare costs go down at that time. That helps.

2) Only one in diapers at a time (dear God, let DS be potty trained by the time #2 comes around!)

3) I won't have to manage a toddler and a baby at the same time. Some days, when DS has been possessed by a demon, I can't imagine also having a baby to deal with.

What are some of the ways that you guys spin this process? Doesn't have to be about age gaps. Sometimes I try to be happy about the fact that I can have a cocktail on a boat (I know, I'd rather have another child, but silver linings, people!). I'd love to hear how others cope.

KC1212 · September 2013

I've been looking at the pros to this for years.

The financial aspect is a major plus. My RL friend has 3 kids. She and her husband can't leave McDonald's for under at least 20 $. And admissions to things like zoos and stuff take a big chunk out of their wallets. I mean, I could go on and on.

Time. I can devote all my attention to my son and a mom to more kids would have to spread it out. If that make sense.

Oh and I am so blessed with the one son I DO have because he is a great sleeper and still takes naps and doesn't get up until 8 am

obviously these dont apply now but before I had my son :

I was skinny! I mean like bikini skinny! Sadly, my bikinis are retired due to stretch marks

but it was worth it.

I could sleep in in!

It didnt take me ten hours to leave the house.

Oh and the plus to IF is that I don't have to use Birth control (we can "wing it"and the odds are in our favor to not get pregnant)

AlmostWright · September 2013

I know how you feel! I am also not an optimist, and the age gap gets me every time. I have a list of potential due dates and how far apart DS and a sibling would be. We have this cycle and 1 more until they would be over 4.5 years apart, 8 until about 5 years apart, 9 until over 5 (and that is where I stopped counting!).

The ones you mentioned are definitely positives of a bigger age gap. Our friends with 2 about 3.5 years apart seem much less stressed than one with 2 under or close to 2 years.

The one on one time with DS is also a plus. I don't know how I would do this without him and give people with primary infertility a ton of credit. I hope the bigger gap will make the transition to not being the center of attention a little easier as well. And maybe there will be less sibling rivalry since they won't be into the same things at the same time?

Is your husband an optimist? Mine is, and he doesn't really get that I would rather be prepared for things than not think about it at all. Drives me crazy!

freakyfast · September 2013

I love reading all the positive thoughts you guys have. Fingers crossed my husband and I can have children through IVF. There will be an 18 year difference in age with my children and it breaks my heart that I never gave my DS a sibling he could grow up with. I worry how this will affect my DS. But so far he is great. (I was never in a position to have more kids, I was a dumb teenager who got pregnant the first time I had sex)

I probably didn't help much but it is something I worry about too. Will my DS feel like he didn't get everything my future children will have because I was a single poor mother from day 1.

Sorry I just threw up all over this post. But I do enjoy being able to sleep and having a child/teenager that is independent, which is something I will miss but currently would embrace no sleep and someone being dependent on me.

KC1212 · September 2013

@freakyfast I personally do not think you "threw up" on the post (LOL)

I worked for a lady that had an oops pregnancy at 42 and her daughter was in high school when she got pregnant with her son.

From what I could tell, her daughter had a beautiful relationship with her baby brother. Just think, by that age jealously and sibling rivalry will be a non issue.

I think there might be more pros to the situation than what you might think

kndeckar · September 2013

I love love love this post. The age difference thing is the biggest thing for me in dealing with 2IF. I really broke down last month because it was our last month to be able to get pregnant & have another baby before DD turned 3. Anyways..I try to remind myself to be present & really enjoy this time with just her. She is SO fun & full of life right now. She is constantly making me smile & cracking me up. We are really enjoying this stage. I have to remind myself if we would've got pregnant when we wanted to, I would have a newborn right now and would probably be too tired & preoccupied with the baby to be able to enjoy this joyous phase she is in.

Oh and I totally second the monthly daycare costs thing!!! I still don't know how we'll afford 2 in daycare if we ever end up making it to that point!

freakyfast · September 2013

KC1212 said:
@freakyfast I personally do not think you "threw up" on the post (LOL)

I worked for a lady that had an oops pregnancy at 42 and her daughter was in high school when she got pregnant with her son.

From what I could tell, her daughter had a beautiful relationship with her baby brother. Just think, by that age jealously and sibling rivalry will be a non issue.

I think there might be more pros to the situation than what you might think

Well thanks

I felt like I 'threw up' I'm mobile so it looked like I went on and on. Must be my nerves!

roughkat · September 2013

@AlmostWright - Yes! The one on one time. That is a big deal. Thanks for reminding me about that. And DH is usually an optimist, although actually having to undergo procedures to try to get pregnant is shaking his confidence a bit.

@freakyfast - you did not throw up all over this post. I love it when people respond! It makes me feel so not alone. I can't relate to having an older son but I do know that my dad was significantly older than his sister and they are very close (and I am very close to her). It comforts me. Also, you did what you needed to do to give your son the best childhood that he could have, and he knows that.

@kndeckar - I often think that we are so lucky that we don't have to deal with another little one. Tonight DS started playing with himself in the tub. I asked what he was doing, and he said, "I'm playing with my penis!" I asked why, and he said, "Because it is there." Honestly, his speech is oddly formal because he doesn't know contractions yet.

Jen071407 · September 2013

The age gap gets me, too. Depending on when af makes her royal appearance dd2 may be 4 by the time a baby would arrive. I am enjoying the hands off time where I get to sit back and watch my girls play with each other and friends. I also can't wait to watch them "mommy" a new baby sister or brother. Dd1 might be old enough to help with diapers!

purtz · September 2013

kndeckar said:

I really broke down last month because it was our last month to be able to get pregnant & have another baby before DD turned 3. Anyways..I try to remind myself to be present & really enjoy this time with just her. She is SO fun & full of life right now. She is constantly making me smile & cracking me up. We are really enjoying this stage. I have to remind myself if we would've got pregnant when we wanted to, I would have a newborn right now and would probably be too tired & preoccupied with the baby to be able to enjoy this joyous phase she is in.

This- thank you so much for these great reminders ladies!

+SouthernMomma+ · September 2013

Age difference is a big one for me too!! IF we are able to conceive soon, by the time that baby would be ready to start PK, our daughter would be in middle school. If it doesn't happen before June, There will be a 7, almost 8 year age difference. I try to remind myself, well... my DD will be older and will be able to help out more. (if she wanted too).

CheesyPeas · September 2013

I frequently remind myself of this when I start feeling sad about child spacing, and it makes me feel a little better. We're just making this world a little bit smarter!

https://healthland.time.com/2011/11/21/spacing-kids-at-least-two-years-apart-makes-for-smarter-siblings/

Don't let the title of the article fool you. I know we're all working on larger spacing than 2 years but the article does mention that the longer your child remains an only child, the greater the investment they receive.

roughkat · September 2013

@CheesyPeas - I loved the article. I made my husband read it. Thanks for that.

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