The Downside of Not Dealing with it...

PlannedChaos · December 2008

Some of you may be aware, I have three stepchildren. They live with us, full time, as their mom has...issues. Some of these are related to molestation when she was 4, some are related to "the crazy" (a plethora of actual mental health issues she suffers).

Ex was never really a GREAT mom - never really involved in her children, but when youngest SS, Z, was born, she went off the deep end. She blamed him for "making her lose her mind", and never bonded with him in any way. She would leave him all day laying in his crib, only going into his room to hold the bottle over him if he needed to eat. He wasn't changed regularly, he wasn't held, he wasn't "loved' until DH got there at the end of the day. And, at that point, DH had the infant, the other two children, a household his ex was "unable" to deal with (meaning no cleaning, cooking, laundry - ANYTHING to help run the household).

I deal every day with three children who are trying to recover from spending the first part of their lives with their mother. Two of them have ADD/ADHD, one has serious emotional problems and is in treatment, the other two have a lot of anger issues. They ALL have emotional scars.

And really, all they want from her is for her to be their mom. And she is incapable of that.

Ex used to do therapy. Any time the doc would tell her she needed to change something about herself, she would quit going.

She and I both have similar traumatic events from our childhood.

One of us dealt with them, and moved on.

One of us wakes up every day, with a houseful of beautiful children. Children she is trying to help DEAL. And move on.

JARbaby · December 2008

How dare you tell someone to deal and move on... Confused

I am not sure how many people have not dealt with something traumatic as children. I found my Father dead. And that is only the tip of ithe iceburg...but I got help into my adulthood so I could move on.

I am so sorry you or any child has to deal with that. With my PPP(psychosis) nor just dep...I got help. I owed it to my child and my marriage. Sometimes it can take years or a short time. I hope anyone with an issue no matter how mild can get help.

My Mom always said. you deal with it now or it will come back to bite you in the arse later!

Your kids are SO fortunate to have you!

rease. · December 2008

Planned.

You are simply amazing.

Those babies will be better in this life because of you.

PlannedChaos · December 2008

Meh...being their mom is the choice I made. And SOMETIMES, it's really hard. But mostly? They're freakin' awesome. And I know they do have a better life because of me, regardless of how many dirty looks I get when I tell them to pick up their dirty socks rather than shove them under the couch!

JAR - I had a lot to deal with from childhood too. It probably left me a more confrontational person than I might have been otherwise, but, I think in the long run it made me pretty strong - and able to raise strong kids.

Brandiebabe · December 2008

I missed everything today, but I wanted to reply to this.

Are you my step mom? I swear you just explained my life in a nut shell. I am blessed to have a step-mom (who is more of a real mom to me) who was willing to help me through all of the things I had to deal with in my life from not having the best mother. I wanted to say Thank You as a step-child for stepping in and being wonderful!

faygojumper · December 2008

I think that's awesome too. I had a crackhead mother myself, very horrible woman. I don't feel comfortable saying much else about my past because I don't feel that it's a part of me anymore. I am a very different person and moving on was the best decision I ever made. It was exactly that as well, a decision. No one cured me, it was a personal choice.

I'm so happy to see such strong women here. Right on ladies, don't let anything hold you down.

PlannedChaos · December 2008

Brandiebabe:

I missed everything today, but I wanted to reply to this.

Are you my step mom? I swear you just explained my life in a nut shell. I am blessed to have a step-mom (who is more of a real mom to me) who was willing to help me through all of the things I had to deal with in my life from not having the best mother. I wanted to say Thank You as a step-child for stepping in and being wonderful!

Awwww...Brandie you made me cry. And I'm sure your SM would tell you thanks aren't necessary. Seeing the kids succeed is it's own thanks.

HeatherHanna · December 2008

Thats sad about your step kids mom. I didn't get the parents one would have picked either and finally the school put me in counseling at 16 years old after a couple less than well thought out rebellious acts. One of the most helpful counselors always made a point of turning something that had happened to me into a life lesson that applies to everyone. For example, everyone will suffer dissappointments in their lives, everyone. Some dissappointments are bigger than others but we all have them. Having a mother you can't count on is big and feeling angry, hurt, or upset is understandable. There are two ways you can deal with dissapointment though. You can spend life being sad or you can say that it is sad to have this disappointment but I'm very lucky for having... it really helped me at that point to realize that the things happening to me weren't a cross only I had to bear, other people had to bear that same cross. The other thing that really helped me was to accept that my parents were never going to be "mom" or "dad". If I get a phone call or a card, I should be happy and thankful but they have problems that prevent them from providing more to me. I can't expect more from them or expect them to change.

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