How would BF handle this? Need help ASAP — The Bump
Blended Families

How would BF handle this? Need help ASAP

KTdiditKTdidit member
Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Photogenic
edited September 2013 in Blended Families

I've mentioned my situation lately in some posts - FFFC for one. Here's a timeline of sorts:

I haven't heard from BD in 6 weeks. 

4 weeks ago he didn't show up to the meeting point to get DS, no call, nothing. 

2 weeks ago his GF called almost saying "there was a lot going on and she really needs to have some time to talk to me".

So I've been thinking that he was either dead or in jail somewhere, just sitting here waiting for the GF to call me back. The longer it went the more curious I was to find out what was going on. Well I just got a message from BD's mother asking if she can pick DS up Saturday and take him to a festival down in BD's town. I didn't answer the question and only asked if she had talked to her son lately. She said she saw him Thursday "and he didn't say much". I hadn't told her that he hasn't seen DS in 2 months.

So nothing happened, there's nothing wrong with him. He just forgot about and/or abandoned his son apparently, and is too chicken shit to call and talk to me himself! I'm fucking fuming right now.

What would BF do? How do I handle this? I have no problem with DS's Gma seeing him. But the fact that she wants to take him down to BD's town, when he has made zero attempt to see DS or had any attempt at contact makes me angry.

ETA: Gma is accusing me of not wanting DS to have contact with BD at all.

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Re: How would BF handle this? Need help ASAP

  •  

    @jobalchak I like that answer, but I don't want it to seem like I'm withholding DS from him.

    And since BD hasn't worked and they have no money for gas, can I refuse to do all the driving for any of BD's weekends for the forseeable future, and only agree to my half? Or would that be seen as withholding?  

    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • I'm with Jo.

    If she wants to see the kiddo, then I think she needs to come to you. 

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  • I'm thinking her son needs to get his kid on his weekend (time) and visit Gma.
    fellesferie[Deleted User]
  • All you are legally obligated to do is what is spelled out in the CO.  So no, if BD is unable/unwilling to do his share of the transportation (assuming it's in the CO that you will split transportation 50/50) then you cannot be forced to do his part.  If he should ever decide to man up and actually contact you, simply tell him he needs to figure out how to get DS for his visit, and that you will gladly pick DS up when the weekend visit is over.  Basically, each of you is responsible for obtaining DS for your custodial time.  That will force BD to figure out transportation for his share and that way you only have to do your share.  I personally wouldn't agree to drop off DS if BD says he can find a ride back to you.  That leaves you on the hook to drive both ways when BD flakes (and you know he will).  If it's not spelled out in the CO that the driving be split, I still think you are only obligated to do half.  Let BD file contempt charges if he so chooses and let him explain his absence to the Judge.

    As for not wanting it to seem that you're withholding DS:  Um, who cares?!  If BD has dropped a smokebomb and is having zero communication with you, then I feel you have every right to not allow the grandmother to take DS anywhere.  You aren't demanding that BD personally come to your home on his hands and knees and beg to see DS.  You simply want some sort communication from him that he is alive, well, and capable of caring for DS.  You have sketchy voicemails from the GF and I think you are within your rights to say that you don't want Gma taking DS anywhere.  Again, if BD wants to file some sort of contempt charges or Gma wants to call the police, let them.  And then they can explain to a Judge where the heck BD has been.
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    SigirCurlieWhirliemccall0113
  • I'm thinking her son needs to get his kid on his weekend (time) and visit Gma.


    She lives in Kentucky now, if he doesn't ahve the money to pick up his son he sure as hell doesn't have the money to drive down there.

    And telling Gma that I'd rather her visit with him up here and not take him down to BD won't do any good. She will accuse me of not wanting DS to see BD, and will take him anyway.

    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • I'm thinking her son needs to get his kid on his weekend (time) and visit Gma.


    She lives in Kentucky now, if he doesn't ahve the money to pick up his son he sure as hell doesn't have the money to drive down there.

    And telling Gma that I'd rather her visit with him up here and not take him down to BD won't do any good. She will accuse me of not wanting DS to see BD, and will take him anyway.

    Not to sound ugly but it's not really your problem and your not obligated to facilitate your ex's mother's relationship with the child. That is on him. He needs to make arrangements with her to spend time with Gma however they do it.

    She can accuse all she wants....unless there is grandparents rights (not sure about KY)involved she would do well to play nice.

    CFjo2010KTdidit
  • Well our CO/divorce decree only states that BD is entitled to "regular and frequent parenting time" and defaults to Indiana parenting guidelines for anything specific. IN guidelines say that the parent is responsible for transportation at the start of their parenting time. So below is what I plan to send to Gma, provided that BD calls me. And for any visits going forward I will refer to the guidelines. Of course I will be the unfeeling bitch who can't try to understand and cut him some slack for his situation.

    "I'm really uncomfortable with the lack of contact from BD and unless and until I hear from him directly, I'd prefer that you visit with DS up here. He has a soccer game at 11:15 Saturday morning and you are more than welcome to take him for a few hours afterward."

    If BD calls, I'm prepared for his mother to provide the transportation for a visit this Saturday but not going forward. Reasonable?

    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • @kaholland4 I think you're are being more than reasonable.  Gma has zero rights, at all.  As @Hopeforthebest said, "she would do well to play nice".  You do not have to facilitate anything for her, or her pathetic son.  That being said, if she crosses you and doesn't work within the guidelines you have set, I would withhold any and all visits from her.  But I'm not in a pleasant mood right now, and my ex-MIL used to be manipulative like this and I still get crabby thinking about it.
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    Hopeforthebesttwister22
  • I'm all about following a CO to the letter. It leaves no room for bitching and drama later by either party.

    When you start making special exceptions (in my opinion) you invite drama.

    Yes, what you proposed saying  is very reasonable and nice of you but think about the bigger/longer term picture.

    KTdidit
  • She cannot take him without your consent. She is not his guardian. Just a word from experience...

    Whenever our BM would drop off the face of the earth, she was usually in jail or had disappeared out if state. Whenever she did, her mother would continue to contact us like usual and say that she had seen BM or that BM had asked her to pick up SD our some other lie. We never let the grandparents take SD when BM was out of pocket. Something is just too fishy about people who would lie about something like that when you have offered alternative visitation arrangements for them.

    If she wants to take him, be up front about it. She cannot intimidate you unless you let her. Tell her that you haven't been able to get in touch with BD in a while and you are concerned. Tell her that until you know what's going on and he has talked to you, your DS has to stay in the area. Then offer her alternative ideas that are acceptable to you. Like her coming to take him out to eat out to a movie or to the park - all in your local area.

    The way I see it is that if a grandparent is going to let that stop them from seeing their grandkids then they don't really love them like they say they do. I know my MIL would never let discomfort or personal dislike come between her and her grandbabies. I only trust people with my kids if my kids are top priority, and if this is a deal breaker for her, then her grandchild is not top priority.
    CFjo2010KTdiditSigirtwister22
  • ambrvan said:
    She cannot take him without your consent. She is not his guardian. Just a word from experience... Whenever our BM would drop off the face of the earth, she was usually in jail or had disappeared out if state. Whenever she did, her mother would continue to contact us like usual and say that she had seen BM or that BM had asked her to pick up SD our some other lie. We never let the grandparents take SD when BM was out of pocket. Something is just too fishy about people who would lie about something like that when you have offered alternative visitation arrangements for them. If she wants to take him, be up front about it. She cannot intimidate you unless you let her. Tell her that you haven't been able to get in touch with BD in a while and you are concerned. Tell her that until you know what's going on and he has talked to you, your DS has to stay in the area. Then offer her alternative ideas that are acceptable to you. Like her coming to take him out to eat out to a movie or to the park - all in your local area. The way I see it is that if a grandparent is going to let that stop them from seeing their grandkids then they don't really love them like they say they do. I know my MIL would never let discomfort or personal dislike come between her and her grandbabies. I only trust people with my kids if my kids are top priority, and if this is a deal breaker for her, then her grandchild is not top priority.
    This.  All of this, perfectly.
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    [Deleted User]
  • jobalchak said:
    @kaholland4 I think you're are being more than reasonable.  Gma has zero rights, at all.  As @Hopeforthebest said, "she would do well to play nice".  You do not have to facilitate anything for her, or her pathetic son.  That being said, if she crosses you and doesn't work within the guidelines you have set, I would withhold any and all visits from her.  But I'm not in a pleasant mood right now, and my ex-MIL used to be manipulative like this and I still get crabby thinking about it.
    I try not to hold anything against her, it's her asshat son that screws over his child.  She's not the best at keeeping contact either to be honest, but I try not to take anything out on her. (Can that be his nickname? We have Dink/PSP, and DC. He should be known as AH or something from now on!)
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • I'm all about following a CO to the letter. It leaves no room for bitching and drama later by either party.

    When you start making special exceptions (in my opinion) you invite drama.

    Yes, what you proposed saying  is very reasonable and nice of you but think about the bigger/longer term picture.

    @hopeforthebest I'm not sure what you mean... Do you mean by letting someone else handle his transportation?
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • I would tell her what happened if she is accusing you of keeping DS from BD. and I would tell her she cannot take DS out of town unless BD is arranging it as part of his visits. If BD wants his Mom to drive then I think you need to let her as long as it is his weekend and HE arranges it.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I'm all about following a CO to the letter. It leaves no room for bitching and drama later by either party.

    When you start making special exceptions (in my opinion) you invite drama.

    Yes, what you proposed saying  is very reasonable and nice of you but think about the bigger/longer term picture.

    @hopeforthebest I'm not sure what you mean... Do you mean by letting someone else handle his transportation?
    "I'm really uncomfortable with the lack of contact from BD and unless and until I hear from him directly, I'd prefer that you visit with DS up here. He has a soccer game at 11:15 Saturday morning and you are more than welcome to take him for a few hours afterward."
  • I'm all about following a CO to the letter. It leaves no room for bitching and drama later by either party.

    When you start making special exceptions (in my opinion) you invite drama.

    Yes, what you proposed saying  is very reasonable and nice of you but think about the bigger/longer term picture.

    @hopeforthebest I'm not sure what you mean... Do you mean by letting someone else handle his transportation?
    "I'm really uncomfortable with the lack of contact from BD and unless and until I hear from him directly, I'd prefer that you visit with DS up here. He has a soccer game at 11:15 Saturday morning and you are more than welcome to take him for a few hours afterward."

    Yes, I'm just not sure what you meant by the bigger/longterm picture?
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • If you start making exceptions to the CO. How that could  invite drama down the road.

    For all you know ex is the one feeding her the line that you are withholding the child. I don't mean to make her sound like a villain but I would not react kindly to someone accusing me of anything.

    Like I said, it is up to your EX to  facilitate Gma and child's relationship. I think perhaps you should steer clear.

    CFjo2010
  • Ah ok, I see what you mean. I suppose I've already set up the precedent that she can see DS if she contacts me ahead of time. I've let her come see him or take him for an afternoon in the past. Mainly when there was a family thing up here.
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • Ah ok, I see what you mean. I suppose I've already set up the precedent that she can see DS if she contacts me ahead of time. I've let her come see him or take him for an afternoon in the past. Mainly when there was a family thing up here.

    I think inviting Gma to the soccer game is ok. I don't necessarily think it sets any sort of precedent.  But going forward I would tread very lightly when dealing with her.  If she's accusing you of things, I wouldn't be inclined to accommodate her.

    Are you the same poster who said the Ex-MIL was badmouthing you to the LO?  Or am I thinking of someone else?
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  • jobalchak said:
    Ah ok, I see what you mean. I suppose I've already set up the precedent that she can see DS if she contacts me ahead of time. I've let her come see him or take him for an afternoon in the past. Mainly when there was a family thing up here.

    I think inviting Gma to the soccer game is ok. I don't necessarily think it sets any sort of precedent.  But going forward I would tread very lightly when dealing with her.  If she's accusing you of things, I wouldn't be inclined to accommodate her.

    Are you the same poster who said the Ex-MIL was badmouthing you to the LO?  Or am I thinking of someone else?

    No that wasn't me, thank god. If it was, there's no way in hell I'd accomodate her.
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • Thanks for all the feedback and suggestions, I always know thast you guys will give me honest answers whether it's what I want to hear or not! It's definitely helped me to calm down for sure, and be able to send a level-headed response to Gma instead of getting her involved in business that isn't hers to be in. And it's good to hear that I'm not being comepletely unreasonable with not wanting to accomodate his irresponsible actions.
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • Does your CO say only BD can pick up/drop off for his CO'ed time? I'm just wondering because in our CO it says "any competant adult" could pick up/drop off and with no ROFR that meant BD's mother used to take most of BD's visitation with DD when she was little. Just a scenario to watch out for because that's pretty much what happened to me when DD was young. She still ends up with DD for half of his time during long breaks like this past summer.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • gin9874 said:
    Does your CO say only BD can pick up/drop off for his CO'ed time? I'm just wondering because in our CO it says "any competant adult" could pick up/drop off and with no ROFR that meant BD's mother used to take most of BD's visitation with DD when she was little. Just a scenario to watch out for because that's pretty much what happened to me when DD was young. She still ends up with DD for half of his time during long breaks like this past summer.
    Our CO/divorce decree only states that BD is entitled to "regular and frequent parenting time" and defaults to Indiana parenting guidelines for anything specific. I have a call in to my lawyer to get a proper CO in place. This is definitely something to include
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • gin9874 said:
    Does your CO say only BD can pick up/drop off for his CO'ed time? I'm just wondering because in our CO it says "any competant adult" could pick up/drop off and with no ROFR that meant BD's mother used to take most of BD's visitation with DD when she was little. Just a scenario to watch out for because that's pretty much what happened to me when DD was young. She still ends up with DD for half of his time during long breaks like this past summer.
    Our CO/divorce decree only states that BD is entitled to "regular and frequent parenting time" and defaults to Indiana parenting guidelines for anything specific. I have a call in to my lawyer to get a proper CO in place. This is definitely something to include

    I swear I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here....

    When you get a new CO established, I really think it should say that BD must call and give you XX days notice of who will be picking up DS on his behalf if he won't be the one doing it.  I just get paranoid about Gma picking up DS and keeping him for the weekend and DS not seeing BD at all (kind of like what @gin9874 was saying with her DD).  If BD is going to tell you, "Hey Kaholland4, my mom is going to pick up DS on Friday and keep him for the weekend for my CO visit", then fine.  But if he's radio silent again I don't think his mom should get to pick up DS and use BD's visitation.  Does that make sense? 
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  • jobalchak said:
    gin9874 said:
    Does your CO say only BD can pick up/drop off for his CO'ed time? I'm just wondering because in our CO it says "any competant adult" could pick up/drop off and with no ROFR that meant BD's mother used to take most of BD's visitation with DD when she was little. Just a scenario to watch out for because that's pretty much what happened to me when DD was young. She still ends up with DD for half of his time during long breaks like this past summer.
    Our CO/divorce decree only states that BD is entitled to "regular and frequent parenting time" and defaults to Indiana parenting guidelines for anything specific. I have a call in to my lawyer to get a proper CO in place. This is definitely something to include

    I swear I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here....

    When you get a new CO established, I really think it should say that BD must call and give you XX days notice of who will be picking up DS on his behalf if he won't be the one doing it.  I just get paranoid about Gma picking up DS and keeping him for the weekend and DS not seeing BD at all (kind of like what @gin9874 was saying with her DD).  If BD is going to tell you, "Hey Kaholland4, my mom is going to pick up DS on Friday and keep him for the weekend for my CO visit", then fine.  But if he's radio silent again I don't think his mom should get to pick up DS and use BD's visitation.  Does that make sense? 


    Definitely makes sense. I'm leaning toward BD being the only one to be able to do pick-up. The point of his parenting time is so HE can see DS, if DS isn't seeing his father than what's the point?

    Also, I just got a response from Gma, she will not be coming up to see DS, as she has "promised BD and the kids she'd come for the festival". And she is asking about seeing DS Sunday. Oh, sorry lady. Looks like "DS's social calendar" (in her words - snarky much?) is full of spending time with people that give a shit about him.

    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • This might be unpopular opinion, but I think everyone gets so caught up in what is court ordered and what is explicitly written in that order and what is not explicitly covered and the nitty gritty details that we sometimes forget, she is still his grandmother. And family is family. Yes I 100% agree that she needs to play by YOUR rules, the same as my MIL plays by my rules and I'm married to her son and love my MIL but still anything to do with my son is on my terms. Yes I believe you should tell gma that you haven't heard from BD and that concerns you. Yes I think if you're uncomfortable with her watching your child then follow your instincts.

    However, don't confuse BD with gma. They're not one in the same person (unless their behaviors are identical, which is rarely the case). Lots of gmas pick up the slack for their children when they have children. Kids don't just have mom and moms family and dad. They have dads family too. And maybe BD is a bonehead and doesn't care about the relationship with his kid but maybe his mom/family DOES care.

    Again just my two cents. I 100% think you need to do/not do what you are comfortable with regarding the well being of your child.
    MommyEllenSue
  • @kaholland4 - Gma is a snarky bitch.  Sheesh.  There was no need for the "social calendar" comment.  How about a simple, "Well nuts, this weekend won't work.  Maybe another time"?  

    As for the stipulation regarding only BD being able to pick up DS, even though he's a total worthless pain I think you might want to still give him a bit of leniency.  If BD wants to forfeit seeing DS, that's his problem.  But if Gma wants to see DS and BD is ok with her using his visitation time, it would probably be good for DS to still have a relationship with his Gma.  Yes, BD is a worthless piece of crap that clearly doesn't want to spend time with DS.  But if Gma wants to still have a relationship, isn't it good for DS to feel like not EVERYONE on BD's side abandoned him?  Plus, what if BD does actually get a job and doesn't get off in time to pick up DS?  If Gma can pick him up and then BD grab him later, he's still getting to spend time with him.  I'm not sure about your Judge, but I know DH's Judge laughed in BM's face when she tried to have it in the CO that only DH could pick up K.  The Judge basically told her that she can't control who picks up K, as long as DH knows who is picking up K and the person doing pick up is a licensed, insured driver that's all the law has to mandate.  Her demand really set the tone for the remainder of the hearing, as well as subsequent issues that came up regarding transportation.  The Judge immediately viewed her as being unreasonable and controlling.

    I'm not disagreeing with your point, I'm just giving you a heads up that depending on your Judge, he/she might view you as being unreasonable and deliberately setting up hindrances.
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    MrsHetzelKTdidit
  • MrsHetzel said:
    This might be unpopular opinion, but I think everyone gets so caught up in what is court ordered and what is explicitly written in that order and what is not explicitly covered and the nitty gritty details that we sometimes forget, she is still his grandmother. And family is family. Yes I 100% agree that she needs to play by YOUR rules, the same as my MIL plays by my rules and I'm married to her son and love my MIL but still anything to do with my son is on my terms. Yes I believe you should tell gma that you haven't heard from BD and that concerns you. Yes I think if you're uncomfortable with her watching your child then follow your instincts. However, don't confuse BD with gma. They're not one in the same person (unless their behaviors are identical, which is rarely the case). Lots of gmas pick up the slack for their children when they have children. Kids don't just have mom and moms family and dad. They have dads family too. And maybe BD is a bonehead and doesn't care about the relationship with his kid but maybe his mom/family DOES care. Again just my two cents. I 100% think you need to do/not do what you are comfortable with regarding the well being of your child.

    I did state earlier that I let Gma take DS for the afternoon when she calls and asks, which is about once every 3-4 months, if we don't already have plans. I don't take BD's bullshit out on her. I offered for her to come spend the afternoon Saturday with DS in my area. She declined. I was even prepared for her to come get DS and take him down there this once, if BD had bothered to contact me by then.
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • jobalchak said:
    @kaholland4 - Gma is a snarky bitch.  Sheesh.  There was no need for the "social calendar" comment.  How about a simple, "Well nuts, this weekend won't work.  Maybe another time"?  

    As for the stipulation regarding only BD being able to pick up DS, even though he's a total worthless pain I think you might want to still give him a bit of leniency.  If BD wants to forfeit seeing DS, that's his problem.  But if Gma wants to see DS and BD is ok with her using his visitation time, it would probably be good for DS to still have a relationship with his Gma.  Yes, BD is a worthless piece of crap that clearly doesn't want to spend time with DS.  But if Gma wants to still have a relationship, isn't it good for DS to feel like not EVERYONE on BD's side abandoned him?  Plus, what if BD does actually get a job and doesn't get off in time to pick up DS?  If Gma can pick him up and then BD grab him later, he's still getting to spend time with him.  I'm not sure about your Judge, but I know DH's Judge laughed in BM's face when she tried to have it in the CO that only DH could pick up K.  The Judge basically told her that she can't control who picks up K, as long as DH knows who is picking up K and the person doing pick up is a licensed, insured driver that's all the law has to mandate.  Her demand really set the tone for the remainder of the hearing, as well as subsequent issues that came up regarding transportation.  The Judge immediately viewed her as being unreasonable and controlling.

    I'm not disagreeing with your point, I'm just giving you a heads up that depending on your Judge, he/she might view you as being unreasonable and deliberately setting up hindrances.

    Ok, I do see your point. I still stand by my rationalization but I do understand. haha And with Gma living in KY and us in IN I don't see that happening often, anyway. So probably not a hill I'd want to die on.
    BabyFetus Ticker


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  • It would not surprise me if the grandmother was collecting your son for her son. 

    You don't owe her any kind of explanation.  If she wants to come see her grandson, she can come to you and stay in your town. If she wants to directly accuse you, you simple tell her, "XH is free to come see his child anytime. He doesn't.  It's really that simple. That's not on me. It's on him". 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
    CFjo2010KTdidit
  • I agree. Gran can come to you for visits. I'd tell her that BD needs to communicate any visits outside of your supervision. If gran wants DS for the weekend BD needs to coordinate on her behalf. Gran can call BD. He'll probably say you said no but you can suggest asking to see the text or having him call while she's there. Put you on speaker. I would definitely make it BD's responsibility to facilitate this.
  • I finally answered Gma this morning re: a Sunday visit. I told her that she can take DS for a few hours, they are to stay in the area and he is to be home by XX time. She assured me that she isn't "trying to deceive (me)". I told her that I'm not trying to take BD's actions out on her, they are DS's grandparents and DS does like to see htem. But I need to protect DS, especially in the current situation. This is her one chance. She better not blow it.
    BabyFetus Ticker


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    CFjo2010
  • I finally answered Gma this morning re: a Sunday visit. I told her that she can take DS for a few hours, they are to stay in the area and he is to be home by XX time. She assured me that she isn't "trying to deceive (me)". I told her that I'm not trying to take BD's actions out on her, they are DS's grandparents and DS does like to see htem. But I need to protect DS, especially in the current situation. This is her one chance. She better not blow it.

    I think the way you handled it is perfect.
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