I've mentioned my situation lately in some posts - FFFC for one. Here's a timeline of sorts:
I haven't heard from BD in 6 weeks.
4 weeks ago he didn't show up to the meeting point to get DS, no call, nothing.
2 weeks ago his GF called almost saying "there was a lot going on and she really needs to have some time to talk to me".
So I've been thinking that he was either dead or in jail somewhere, just sitting here waiting for the GF to call me back. The longer it went the more curious I was to find out what was going on. Well I just got a message from BD's mother asking if she can pick DS up Saturday and take him to a festival down in BD's town. I didn't answer the question and only asked if she had talked to her son lately. She said she saw him Thursday "and he didn't say much". I hadn't told her that he hasn't seen DS in 2 months.
So nothing happened, there's nothing wrong with him. He just forgot about and/or abandoned his son apparently, and is too chicken shit to call and talk to me himself! I'm fucking fuming right now.
What would BF do? How do I handle this? I have no problem with DS's Gma seeing him. But the fact that she wants to take him down to BD's town, when he has made zero attempt to see DS or had any attempt at contact makes me angry.
ETA: Gma is accusing me of not wanting DS to have contact with BD at all.
Re: How would BF handle this? Need help ASAP
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
@jobalchak I like that answer, but I don't want it to seem like I'm withholding DS from him.
And since BD hasn't worked and they have no money for gas, can I refuse to do all the driving for any of BD's weekends for the forseeable future, and only agree to my half? Or would that be seen as withholding?
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
She lives in Kentucky now, if he doesn't ahve the money to pick up his son he sure as hell doesn't have the money to drive down there.
And telling Gma that I'd rather her visit with him up here and not take him down to BD won't do any good. She will accuse me of not wanting DS to see BD, and will take him anyway.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
Not to sound ugly but it's not really your problem and your not obligated to facilitate your ex's mother's relationship with the child. That is on him. He needs to make arrangements with her to spend time with Gma however they do it.
She can accuse all she wants....unless there is grandparents rights (not sure about KY)involved she would do well to play nice.
Well our CO/divorce decree only states that BD is entitled to "regular and frequent parenting time" and defaults to Indiana parenting guidelines for anything specific. IN guidelines say that the parent is responsible for transportation at the start of their parenting time. So below is what I plan to send to Gma, provided that BD calls me. And for any visits going forward I will refer to the guidelines. Of course I will be the unfeeling bitch who can't try to understand and cut him some slack for his situation.
"I'm really uncomfortable with the lack of contact from BD and unless and until I hear from him directly, I'd prefer that you visit with DS up here. He has a soccer game at 11:15 Saturday morning and you are more than welcome to take him for a few hours afterward."
If BD calls, I'm prepared for his mother to provide the transportation for a visit this Saturday but not going forward. Reasonable?
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
I'm all about following a CO to the letter. It leaves no room for bitching and drama later by either party.
When you start making special exceptions (in my opinion) you invite drama.
Yes, what you proposed saying is very reasonable and nice of you but think about the bigger/longer term picture.
Whenever our BM would drop off the face of the earth, she was usually in jail or had disappeared out if state. Whenever she did, her mother would continue to contact us like usual and say that she had seen BM or that BM had asked her to pick up SD our some other lie. We never let the grandparents take SD when BM was out of pocket. Something is just too fishy about people who would lie about something like that when you have offered alternative visitation arrangements for them.
If she wants to take him, be up front about it. She cannot intimidate you unless you let her. Tell her that you haven't been able to get in touch with BD in a while and you are concerned. Tell her that until you know what's going on and he has talked to you, your DS has to stay in the area. Then offer her alternative ideas that are acceptable to you. Like her coming to take him out to eat out to a movie or to the park - all in your local area.
The way I see it is that if a grandparent is going to let that stop them from seeing their grandkids then they don't really love them like they say they do. I know my MIL would never let discomfort or personal dislike come between her and her grandbabies. I only trust people with my kids if my kids are top priority, and if this is a deal breaker for her, then her grandchild is not top priority.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
Yes, I'm just not sure what you meant by the bigger/longterm picture?
If you start making exceptions to the CO. How that could invite drama down the road.
For all you know ex is the one feeding her the line that you are withholding the child. I don't mean to make her sound like a villain but I would not react kindly to someone accusing me of anything.
Like I said, it is up to your EX to facilitate Gma and child's relationship. I think perhaps you should steer clear.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
No that wasn't me, thank god. If it was, there's no way in hell I'd accomodate her.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
Definitely makes sense. I'm leaning toward BD being the only one to be able to do pick-up. The point of his parenting time is so HE can see DS, if DS isn't seeing his father than what's the point?
Also, I just got a response from Gma, she will not be coming up to see DS, as she has "promised BD and the kids she'd come for the festival". And she is asking about seeing DS Sunday. Oh, sorry lady. Looks like "DS's social calendar" (in her words - snarky much?) is full of spending time with people that give a shit about him.
However, don't confuse BD with gma. They're not one in the same person (unless their behaviors are identical, which is rarely the case). Lots of gmas pick up the slack for their children when they have children. Kids don't just have mom and moms family and dad. They have dads family too. And maybe BD is a bonehead and doesn't care about the relationship with his kid but maybe his mom/family DOES care.
Again just my two cents. I 100% think you need to do/not do what you are comfortable with regarding the well being of your child.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
I did state earlier that I let Gma take DS for the afternoon when she calls and asks, which is about once every 3-4 months, if we don't already have plans. I don't take BD's bullshit out on her. I offered for her to come spend the afternoon Saturday with DS in my area. She declined. I was even prepared for her to come get DS and take him down there this once, if BD had bothered to contact me by then.
Ok, I do see your point. I still stand by my rationalization but I do understand. haha And with Gma living in KY and us in IN I don't see that happening often, anyway. So probably not a hill I'd want to die on.
It would not surprise me if the grandmother was collecting your son for her son.
You don't owe her any kind of explanation. If she wants to come see her grandson, she can come to you and stay in your town. If she wants to directly accuse you, you simple tell her, "XH is free to come see his child anytime. He doesn't. It's really that simple. That's not on me. It's on him".
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools