Small wedding

Bemyselfandi · September 2013

Alright this might have typos. I had a lot of coffee and I'm on my phone.

We were planning traditional wedding with ceremony and reception. Now we've been playing around with the idea of just a ceremony and cake after the ceremony at the same site. We'd save about $7-8,000. We just bought a house. We have two kids and only one of us works. To tone it down is what makes the most sense. But dh wants to at least do a dinner with like the closest 20 people after the ceremony. I told him that seems a little rude to invite 200 people to this ceremony (assume about 130 came) and then have a dinner with only 20 of them. I don't know how to eloquently talk about this with him and ultimately what we should do dinner wise at the end of our wedding day considering it is nt traditional. What do you suggest? We already had a good argument about the whole thing which broke my heart. The whole cost of a ceremony for us will be around $1000. If we added the reception it'd be around 8000. Quite a significant difference. I'm at a loss on how to manage the whole thing now that we've decided to tone it Down. A lot.

Edit* reason number one I might kill him is he thinks changing after the ceremony and having dinner then meeting some people at the bars is my idea of a good wedding night. Wtf. I hate bar hopping.anyways why would I want to do it on my most special day?

HoneyBunn24 · September 2013

I've gotten a couple Wedding Invitations that say "Please join us for Celebration and Cocktails at 8pm" because the bride and groom were only able to afford dinner for their close family members. I wasn't offended and completely understood.

The Bride was pregnant (and was admitted to the hospital a week later and 2 weeks after their wedding day she had her baby) so it wasn't feasible for them to spend obscene amounts of money on dinner for all of their friends and family.

We considered it until my parents overheard and paid for dinner. Honestly, if someone is offended they can stay home.

A wedding is no reason to go into debt just because someone's feelings might get hurt.

thepretzelchick · September 2013

If you have it at just the right time mid-afternoon, which I know could be nightmarish in terms of naptime but bear with me, most people wouldn't and shouldn't "expect" a full meal. I've gone to a number of 3pm weddings that had just cake and punch receptions. For me, weddings are about celebrating the couple, not stuffing my face, and just cake and punch at that time of day is rather refreshing. Anyone who objects to not being fed a meal at your wedding is probably not someone you really wanted anyway.

sosoph · September 2013

For an afternoon, the ceremony and cake is fine. For evening, you sort of have to feed people.
Either of these is fine:
a. a non-traditional rehearsal dinner with closest friends and family, then ceremony/cake the following morning/afternoon
b. afternoon or morning ceremony with light refreshments to follow. Dinner with fam/close friends much later

Dinner in the middle is not really okay, and it's customary to feed out of town guests at least once.

Bemyselfandi · September 2013

sosoph said:
For an afternoon, the ceremony and cake is fine. For evening, you sort of have to feed people.
Either of these is fine:
a. a non-traditional rehearsal dinner with closest friends and family, then ceremony/cake the following morning/afternoon
b. afternoon or morning ceremony with light refreshments to follow. Dinner with fam/close friends much later

Dinner in the middle is not really okay, and it's customary to feed out of town guests at least once.

Choice a is exactly what I had in mind. I'm pretending my kids exist with no naps that day.

Bemyselfandi · September 2013

BPaws said:
Our friends did this.... I found it rude, simply because their timing was horrible. They invited 275 people to their reception, but had dinner with only about 20. No big deal, but we had to actually sit outside the dinner area while they finished.

There was a wedding around 1:00 and then the small dinner was at 5:00, but the reception didn't start until 7. When everyone returned for the reception, the dinner was still going on so we had to stand outside until almost 8 until we could go in.
Because of where the reception was, there was nowhere for the reception guests to go. Basically we milled around outside waiting. It was uncomfortable.

I think potentially it can be done properly and tastefully.

I was planning on completely foregoing the reception. So there would be a ceremony of around 130 and cake. That's it. Dh feels there should be something else. I dunno. I would rather do a nice rehearsal dinner and drinks the night before.

bigbootyjudi · September 2013

We're in the same boat, but more for the fact that I don't even have more than 50 people on the guest list. We were going to do a cocktail reception at 3pm (just heavy appetizers and an open bar = ~$13ish a person at a really nice restaurant in town), but then found a local cultural center that also does receptions for only $24 a plate, including the bar and a cocktail hour beforehand).

Our first instinct was to do a private dinner, but then didn't, for the reasons you listed. I'd try and look for somewhere that will do a hors d'oeuvres reception around 3pm. A lot of people go this route because it's way cheaper and you still get your dances and other traditional things in.

SJandVA · September 2013

What does he feel is missing? Does he feel like he has to feed people a full meal? Are you planning on dancing? Does he feel like its not partyish enough?
Could there be a compromise of light food? Like cheese and cracker trays, fruit trays then cake, something like that?

Bemyselfandi · September 2013

SJandVA said:
What does he feel is missing? Does he feel like he has to feed people a full meal? Are you planning on dancing? Does he feel like its not partyish enough?
Could there be a compromise of light food? Like cheese and cracker trays, fruit trays then cake, something like that?

I'm not sure. I think he has major lack of sleep. Along with a regular grouchy day. I'm so upset I feel like throwing in the towel and saying eff it. Why fight? We're already married.

SJandVA · September 2013

Bemyselfandi said:

SJandVA said:
What does he feel is missing? Does he feel like he has to feed people a full meal? Are you planning on dancing? Does he feel like its not partyish enough?
Could there be a compromise of light food? Like cheese and cracker trays, fruit trays then cake, something like that?
I'm not sure. I think he has major lack of sleep. Along with a regular grouchy day. I'm so upset I feel like throwing in the towel and saying eff it. Why fight? We're already married.

I'm sorry. Fighting is no fun. Revisit it later. Nothing needs to be resolved tonight. I do agree with you and would try for something more low key especially in regards to the food. You can still have dancing and stuff while only serving cake and drinks.

ccam · September 2013

Can you cut the guest list....like, a lot?? Inviting 200 people will be hard to make "a small wedding" no matter how you do it. Then maybe you do can heavy apps, drinks and dancing without spending a fortune??

Bemyselfandi · September 2013

The guest list will be cut, I'm sure... It's just the means of deciding what we're going to do, ultimately. I would rather not do crackers and cheese, etc...but maybe that's what we'll have to do. I don't know. We'll see. Hopefully when he's off after this rotation on Tuesday he'll be more willing to talk about it. I just don't want to skimp on things just because I want it to only be a ceremony. He thought because we were cutting corners and not doing the reception that we'd just ask a friend or family member to take pictures. I got angry and said no I'm not cutting corners like that. I want absolutely great pictures, and if they aren't great, I would rather blame someone I hired than a family member or friend. Also, I think he expects me to, after the ceremony, to just go home and sit in my sweats and pretend it's just another day. Not like, celebrate with an awesome dinner with my "new" husband, spend the night in a hotel, etc. He's being a little dramatic...

ks3pink · September 2013

Ceremony at one and hor'd'earves at 2. Do pictures before the ceremony. If he wants to feed people do a small rehearsal dinner the night before with only wedding party and family. No one else.

rp-chicago-mom · September 2013

I agree with cutting the guest list, maybe to 40-50 people. Then, I'd do heavy apps and cake. I love small weddings. They're always so fun and intimate. We had 80 people and that still felt huge. Our rehearsal dinner was perfect sized (I don't remember the exact number) and I still think of that as one of the best nights of my life. It got really silly as the night went on and we had lots of impromptu speeches. I would have been thrilled with that night as our wedding. I loved the real wedding too but I don't think it's size was that important to me.

Small wedding

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