Stomach Turning: "Rehoming" of Adopted Children

CaptainSerious · September 2013

Has anyone here seen this? NBC is featuring a Reuters investigative report on the "rehoming" of adopted children. The article is bad, but the videos made me want to puke.

https://investigations.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/09/09/20389254-adopted-girl-says-mother-forced-her-to-dig-her-own-grave?lite

CaptainSerious · September 2013

So, I obviously find the practice repugnant, but what angered me even more is the insinuation on the reporters' part that adoptive parents don't love their children the same as biological parents.

HULK SMASH!!!

No, raising a traumatized child is not the same as raising a typical, biological child. It needs infinitely more patience, understanding, and training. BUT to imply that parents who are unprepared, under-trained, and overwhelmed by these challenges represent all adoptive parents or that their inability to effectively parent in the face of a serious dearth of resources means that adoptive children as a whole aren't regarded with the same depth of feeling and love as biological children is not only wrong and poor reporting, but so, so, SO damaging to the state of adoptions in general.

SoSweet06 · September 2013

The article was completely biased. No one likes disruption and, obviously there are times when there are much bigger issues going on than the disruption itself (abuse, neglect, leaving a child with a random family), but I think the article did nothing but make families who are struggling feel like there are no options out there.

There absolutely are under-prepared, under-trained adoptive parents out there who are dropping the ball. But, there are educated, prepared adoptive parents out there who are desperate. There is no way to predict the many ways that early life (or prenatal) experiences can damage a child...Some of them are very scary--and unknown at the time of adoption. Yes, you could have a biological child who had big issues. But I would venture to say that I would never have a biological child who was prenatally exposed, malnourished, abused in a variety of ways, and neglected in every way.

If a family needs to keep themselves, the adopted child and/or their other children safe by finding another suitable family...who am I to judge? Again...they found situations that were bad and wrote about them. From what I've read, there are a lot of kids who do better in their second family...the family is better prepared, they might have a better family situation (no younger siblings, home school, etc.)

I love my son and have never considered disrupting his adoption. I haven't needed to even think about it, because we haven't had any issues with safely managing his needs. But, I have seen some of the ways that a child can be nearly destroyed and can imagine what some families go through before coming to the decision to dissolve an adoption. It just makes me sad to think that this article is going to make it even harder on families who already are drowning,

lizlemon2 · September 2013

I think "Hulk Smash" is the perfect reaction. It makes me so angry. I hate it brings more negativity to adoption.

I feel for families who really try and struggle. But I hate the idea id rehoming to stangers. The new family should be home- studied and scrutinized at even a deeper level about if they can meet the child's needs.

june2704bride · September 2013

I just posted in the other post about disruption. As one who recently disrupted, it was an extremely hard decision and one that took a lot of time. One cannot possibly judge without being in the situation.

CaptainSerious · September 2013

Oh, please understand, I am not saying that I am against all disruptions. I see real, thoughtful disruptions, which involve the input of therapists and the social welfare system as something very different than the rehoming discussed in the article. And I abhor the biased attitude of the "reporters," who make it sound like this is a common thing, and that adoptive parents generally don't strive to love their children the same as biological children and see handing them over as a simple, easy solution when their infatuation fades.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

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MagickalNarwhal · September 2013

I don't really consider these cases to be disrupted adoptions. They are human trafficking, straight up.

CaptainSerious · September 2013

I don't really consider these cases to be disrupted adoptions. They are human trafficking, straight up.

Agreed.

silliestbunny · September 2013

These segments and articles drove me crazy too! Ugh! I am having a hard time finding words to express how I feel but I'll try.

1- Rehoming may be necessary in some situations. I hope all adoptive parents have to go through a fair deal of education. And those with higher risk of FAS and RAD need even more intensive education and training. I just hope this happens regularly.

2- That said, these are not stories that promote adoption but rather foster stereotypes that make it hard for our children (and us!) Why does every news story featuring adoption need to play up to stereotypes and drama?

3- It irritates me the distinction reporters made between the love and care of bio kids vs adoptive kids. On NBC, the reporter said that had the girl been a bio child the parents don't have a choice but to cope. That's not true.. there are bio children that end up in foster care when situations are so intense parents can't parent. Don't act like these are things that can only happen in an adoptive family.

CaptainSerious · September 2013

These segments and articles drove me crazy too! Ugh! I am having a hard time finding words to express how I feel but I'll try.
1- Rehoming may be necessary in some situations. I hope all adoptive parents have to go through a fair deal of education. And those with higher risk of FAS and RAD need even more intensive education and training. I just hope this happens regularly.
2- That said, these are not stories that promote adoption but rather foster stereotypes that make it hard for our children (and us!) Why does every news story featuring adoption need to play up to stereotypes and drama?
3- It irritates me the distinction reporters made between the love and care of bio kids vs adoptive kids. On NBC, the reporter said that had the girl been a bio child the parents don't have a choice but to cope. That's not true.. there are bio children that end up in foster care when situations are so intense parents can't parent. Don't act like these are things that can only happen in an adoptive family.

Your final point is so true, and just goes to show how biased and unfair this story is. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but you hit the nail on the head!

Rachel Sonnier · September 2013

Ughhhh!! This story was horrible on so many levels!! I understand that sometimes legitimate instances occur where an adoption is disrupted, and everything is done correctly, in the best interest of the child, and through the appropriate channels, but whoever said that what these stories are depicting is human trafficking hit the nail on the head.

Maybe I am naive, but I have never heard of something like this. I always try to educate people about why all of the hoops that adoptive families have to jump through are really a good thing, and then there are people out there just dropping their kids off with strangers that they met online??? That any parent, adoptive or bio, would do something like what is being described in this story is absolutely terrifying.

SoSweet06 · September 2013

Rachel Sonnier said:

I always try to educate people about why all of the hoops that adoptive families have to jump through are really a good thing, and then there are people out there just dropping their kids off with strangers that they met online??? That any parent, adoptive or bio, would do something like what is being described in this story is absolutely terrifying.

Absolutely. Evidently, it's not that unusual. I work in a public school, and we had a child enrolled recently with no birth certificate, custody papers, etc. The family "didn't know" or didn't want to name the child's biological mother. Children's services wouldn't even pursue it...you can just drop your child off with the neighbors and leave in a lot of areas. The family didn't even have a POA for the child, and it still wasn't a "big deal." Yikes.

IdigDirt · September 2013

Siggy warning

This may be a stupid question but is there a reason this happens so much more with international adoption vs domestic? Is it because when you adopt an older child domestically they have to go back into the foster care system so we don't hear about it?

CaptainSerious · September 2013

When you adopt from foster care, it's often a long process with classes and post-placement visits even in situations where the child is already available for adoption. In international adoptions, none of that is standard.

Our adoptions were final within two weeks of gaining custody of our sons. After that, we were pretty much on our own. Our agency has a requirement for a few postplacement visits within the first six months, but they were lax about setting those up and weren't able to provide us with many resources when we asked for them (because they are located in another state, presumably). In our situation, Peru goes to the extra, unusual step of requiring adoptive families send them a postplacement report every six months for the first four years. That report is so that they can judge the kinds of homes they are sending the kids to, so they can determine if they want to keep sending kids to each individual country. Our adoptions were final, though, and not completing these reports would not have affected us in the least, just future prospective adoptive families.

Without oversight, support, or any idea of where to turn when things get rough (and not having the knowledge to understand it's normal and part of the process) and/or not having the means to properly support adopted kids, I can understand when parents feel like everything is caving in and that it's better for everyone for the child to have a fresh start in a new home. Unfortunately, they don't realize that rehoming the child is only going to harm them further. In that sense, I think a large part of this is a symptom of the lack of preparedness many agencies allow their adoptive families to get by with and the lack of standardization of preparation courses/research requirements.

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