New, Not sure where I should be

sparrowmomma24 · September 2013

Almost 48 hours ago I gave birth to my sleeping daughter. I'm back home, physically healing, and just a mess. I don't want to talk to people. I get mad all the time. And today I'm sitting numb, staring at the wall because it seems like the best option available. I don't know where I should be or what I should be doing. A friend told me about this board yesterday and I thought I'd at least say hello. Maybe this is where I need to be when I don't have people to talk to or things to distract me.

I feel like I should in bed, sobbing my eyes out every moment but I can't seem to. All I can seem to do is sit and stare at a blank space in front of me. So maybe this is better.

I'm sorry for my morbidness. I'm just lost.

BrittianyM · September 2013

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I wish you didn't have to join us but we are always here for you when you need us. Please don't ever apologize. We all have been there.

Your loss is just so fresh that you might still be in shock still. I know I am still most of the time even though its been 4 months since my daughter passed. Just take it easy on yourself and let us know if we can help in anyway. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

bunnybun4 · September 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter...I hate to welcome new moms to the board but you have found a really great place for support.

Your loss is so new and so fresh...I agree with brittany that you are prob. still in a lot of shock and just not processing a lot of things. I still have my really rough and angry moments but they are fewer and far between. Just be gentle with yourself and just feel all of your feelings. It is a really hard road but little by little things do get a little easier.

((hugs)) we are all here for you.

angelsnight · September 2013

Ticker warning

I'm glad you found us, but I'm so sorry you have to be here. Despite feeling it myself, there is no "should be" after this loss. If staring at the wall is what you need to do, then it is not wrong at all. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to, and being angry is such a normal feeling. It's been over 5 months for me, but I still get angry a lot. Sometimes I sit and think of the worst things someone could say to me and I picture myself yelling at them for it, just so I have someone or something to take my anger out on.

I hope this board can help bring you some peace and a feeling of being with others who just "get it". Big hugs to you.

PerkyErky · September 2013

***siggy warning***

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your daughter. Did you name her? We love to hear our angel baby's names.

No one wants to be on this board, but we all get it. And the women here have been so supportive. We welcome you with open arms and aching broken hearts like yours.

Your loss is so new and everything you are feeling is normal. As is often said on here, it's ok to not be ok.

Huge hugs.

jbranden12 · September 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. If you are comfortable sharing, we would love to know your daughter's name.

Like the other ladies have said, there are no shoulds for grieving. Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal for you. If you haven't yet, I hope you'll take a look at our blog: https://thelossblog.blogspot.com/

Since it has been two days, your milk will likely come in soon. There are some suggestions on the blog about how to handle this.

Feel free to post as much or as little as you like. We are here when you are ready!

Auki13 · September 2013

I am so sorry for you loss. It is still soooo raw and new and everything you are doing/feeling is completely normal. Please remember to let yourself work through your emotions and if you have to cry/scream/sleep/stare at a wall- then do it. You have lost your perfect little baby, have gone through the trauma of giving birth, and you need to sort through it all. Be gentle with yourself and know that we understand the hurt. Please feel free to write as much or as little as you need, and we hope you find some comfort here.

(HUGE HUGS) hun.

JessicaG220 · September 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. You are completely normal in your behavior. There is no right or wrong way to feel. When the doctor said "I'm sorry" when our daughter was discovered without a heartbeat, I did the same thing. I was emotionless. I couldn't process it. It seemed so surreal. Still, almost 5 months later I feel like it happened to someone else. It's incomprehensible to lose your baby. Somehow we get through it, hopefully with the support of your family and friends. And definitely with the support from us here. We all understand your pain. Thoughts and prayers your way, hun.

Noethola · September 2013

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I echo what every other mother here has already said. Do what you need to do to get through. We are here if/when you need us.

sparrowmomma24 · September 2013

Thank you all so much. I have written out our story and I have many pictures. Her name is Elizabeth Jean. Ellie for short. I would love to share any of it with you, I just don't like to force any of it on people. I think you are all right. I think I'm in shock. I took a shower, and now I'm trying to distract myself.

Dixon813 · September 2013

I am so sorry for your loss of precious Ellie. As everyone has said, we are here for you whenever and however you need us. This board has some wonderful women - we're all here to support you in whatever way we can.

Hugs and prayers to you...

Bruton8288 · September 2013

**siggy warning**

I am very sorry for your loss. But your feeling of numbness, I felt the same way after the stillbirth of my baby girl. I was in shock, in disbelief that it happened to me. I didn't talk to anyone for 2 weeks other than my DH & MIL. The best advice I got from my pastor was "It's OK to cry, grieve your child". I cried til I felt asleep, then cry even more when I would wake up & reality would sink in again. It has been a month, I have happy days when I just go to the park & walk. Then out of nowhere I have days I just ask "why my baby?". The ladies in this board are amazing. Here I can speak my thoughts, cry & remember that I gave birth to a daughter.

I will be praying for you. My personal advice is, take it a day at a time.

christie212 · September 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Ellie. I would love to hear your story. When I first lost Hope I scoured the internet looking for other loss mothers. I was so sad that they went through a loss, but it comforted me to no end that there were others who knew the pain and sorrow and that I was not alone.

I hope this board helps your on your journey.

ajsweeton · September 2013

*****Siggy Warning*****

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I barely remember those first days after losing Elliott and Ryland I was just numb. I remember having the hardest time with the physical loss and my body being so different. I wish that no one would ever have to go through what we've been through, but I find that knowing there are other people out there who have been through what I have and who have experienced that pain helps. So often I felt like I was alone and no one understood me and what I was feeling. I still get responses from people that cut right to my heart and I know its just because they don't understand. I hope this board brings you healing and comfort. I'm sending thoughts and prayers to you.

jbranden12 · September 2013

sparrowmomma24 said:

Thank you all so much. I have written out our story and I have many pictures. Her name is Elizabeth Jean. Ellie for short. I would love to share any of it with you, I just don't like to force any of it on people. I think you are all right. I think I'm in shock. I took a shower, and now I'm trying to distract myself.

What a beautiful name! You are Ellie's mom, and you always will be. I'm glad you wrote out your story. It took me two months to get the courage to write mine, and I only recently shared it on my blog. There is probably no way to distract yourself, but you are right that you can't be in intense agony all of the time.

shandorfml2 · September 2013

So sorry to welcome you. Big, big hugs. We've all been there.

JessicaG220 · September 2013

Her name is so beautiful! I am a tad biased... My middle name is Jean.

. But it's so pretty. I hope time is being gentle on you. Hugs, hun.

OSUWifey09 · September 2013

***SIGGY***

I can't believe I missed your intro a few days ago. I'm so, so sad to see you here, but this is a great group of women. We're here for you whenever you need us, however you need us. Please post Ellie's story here, vent to us here, whatever you need to do.

When I lost Devon last year, I felt like I should've been sitting in bed, crying at all hours of the night...but I spent most of my time sitting in bed, staring into space, trying to figure out how the heck I was supposed to keep going. I felt empty, lost, scared, pissed. All of those feelings are normal, and grief will come and go. But she will always be your daughter, and we will always be here for you.

sparrowmomma24 · September 2013

Today was my bad day. My milk came in yesterday. I woke up this morning frantic because I swore I heard her cry. I searched the entire house. I ended up on the kitchen floor sobbing. I should also explain that I'm a single momma. The father wanted me to abort in the beginning and we split. I am living with my parents now. I decided to stay in bed all day looking at her pictures and smiling. I slept which helped a lot too. I feel better tonight, but it's just been a day....

AJCagle82 · September 2013

I had my little girl a week ago today. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have the same feelings. I feel guilty anytime I'm not crying. I just want people to know and remember her. I have several meltdowns throughout the day. Nothing hurts like this. I'm so sorry.

sparrowmomma24 · September 2013

AJCagle82 said:

I had my little girl a week ago today. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have the same feelings. I feel guilty anytime I'm not crying. I just want people to know and remember her. I have several meltdowns throughout the day. Nothing hurts like this. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way. I just hate seeing the world move on. You get two days of the "i'm so sorry for your loss". And then the world just moves on. Know I'm here for you too as we both grieve. It's just a mess. Up, down, happy, sad. But I try to take comfort in my moments of laughter and happiness, just like I do the sad moments.

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