For those whose husbands do nothing around the house

CousinVicki · September 2013

was this how your parents acted? i am curious about this.

my mom was a SAHM for the most part, and did a lot for us by merely being with us the most.....but my dad, who was a lawyer and worked long hours still did a a lot. he hung out with us, cleaned up around the house, gave us baths when we were little/put us to bed and spent his weekends with us 100%. i don't recall my mom laying down the law ever, it was just how they operated. i don't see how "oh my husband works so hard" can be an excuse to ignore you, your child or your home.

maybe if my dad had been male chauvinist i would have had a diff. viewpoint, hence my original question. hehe

Amjoy25 · September 2013

My mom was a single parent, so she did everything; we were tasked with chores, but she mostly did everything. And thanks for making me feel like a loser because I don't have a "nuclear" family.

(

CousinVicki · September 2013

Amjoy25 said:

My mom was a single parent, so she did everything; we were tasked with chores, but she mostly did everything. And thanks for making me feel like a loser because I don't have a "nuclear" family. (

i should have put a disclaimer! clearly you had no control over that, and your mom HAD to do everything.

Jalee85 · September 2013

My Dad was a dead beat and still is...lol so I have no clue what's normal. But my DH's laziness is a learned behavior. Ranching/Farming families are still old school and the woman does it all but the guys work is done the minute they take their shoes off! (Not saying every family but a lot)

When I've been really sick and can't do anything DH's Mom will literally come over and do his laundry! I was staying with my Mom to recover from surgery!

I don't allow her to do this anymore, but he is lazy. At least he admits it! If he didn't work so hard I don't think I'd feel as bad about asking him to help around the house! So yes in away the excuse works for me! When I was working full-time I got him to do more around the house, but it wouldn't keep a household going..lol

CV how's that leader board looking! I'm mobile now so I can't see... Lol

CousinVicki · September 2013

Jalee85 said:

My Dad was a dead beat and still is...lol so I have no clue what's normal. But my DH's laziness is a learned behavior. Ranching/Farming families are still old school and the woman does it all but the guys work is done the minute they take their shoes off! (Not saying every family but a lot) When I've been really sick and can't do anything DH's Mom will literally come over and do his laundry! I was staying with my Mom to recover from surgery! I don't allow her to do this anymore, but he is lazy. At least he admits it! If he didn't work so hard I don't think I'd feel as bad about asking him to help around the house! So yes in away the excuse works for me! When I was working full-time I got him to do more around the house, but it wouldn't keep a household going..lol CV how's that leader board looking! I'm mobile now so I can't see... Lol

I AM IN FOURTH PLACE. that bltch carseat is way ahead!

LC122 · September 2013

Does it have more to do with how the women were raised or how the men were raised?
I tend to blame my MIL for any of DH's shortcomings. Bad Home Training. And he's one of the good ones, I think.
Almost started a thread about this to those of you having boys.
My father (in the middle of his 3rd divorce) once described his perfect woman in words that I can only liken to a job description for a maid/cook/secretary. I blame my grandmother. She raised 6 boys, 3 of whom are chronically divorced and 3 of whom have wives who claim to have "married them young and trained them early".

pmarie33 · September 2013

CousinVicki said:

was this how your parents acted? i am curious about this.

You mean his parents?

I'm really surprised MH does as much as he does because his father never did/still doesn't do anything except cut the grass or take out the trash. His dad is retired now and it's awkward to watch him actually doing stuff to help out like put the dishes in the dishwasher after a meal.

Alexandrap · September 2013

What about the reverse situation? Stay at home dad who was disabled (work accident) and a mom who worked 3 jobs. My dad did almost all the house work but my mom still did some like the laundry or whatever she could do on her day off.

ETA: DH doesn't need to be told to do anything around the house if he can do it he will. I generally try to do a lot of it myself since he works a lot more than I do. I don't like to just sit around all day. If I need something specific done I will ask him and he never has a problem.

Jalee85 · September 2013

I AM IN FOURTH PLACE. that bltch carseat is way ahead!

--------------------------------------------------

No more L&D visits for you!

Jalee85 · September 2013

LC122 said:
Does it have more to do with how the women were raised or how the men were raised?
I tend to blame my MIL for any of DH's shortcomings. Bad Home Training. And he's one of the good ones, I think.
Almost started a thread about this to those of you having boys.
My father (in the middle of his 3rd divorce) once described his perfect woman in words that I can only liken to a job description for a maid/cook/secretary. I blame my grandmother. She raised 6 boys, 3 of whom are chronically divorced and 3 of whom have wives who claim to have "married them young and trained them early".

Sure we can blame MIL's for starting the habit, but we are the one's that let it continue! In my case if I don't do stuff for him he doesn't just "start" doing it. He'll start reusing water cups before he would dream of washing the dishes! My DH is one of the good ones too! And I let him get away with more than I should because of it!

sarah_norton · September 2013

My mom did almost everything I think. My dad did fix stuff and help when he was home but he worked a ton so I never remember him doing too much. He does help her more now with dishes and cleaning etc... My H tries to help when he can. He does dishes and laundry if I ask and does garbage and mows sometimes. Although my brother mowed our lawn last (being nice to pregnant baby sis). He also grills a lot in the summer for dinner which is helpful. I don't let him cook to much in the kitchen because the mess he makes is more work to clean up than dinner. He helps vacuum when I don't have a cleaning lady too.

CMireles2 · September 2013

My husbands parents are old school Mexican. It really bothers me sometimes. The woman are always in the kitchen cooking/cleaning and taking care of the kids while the men sit around, drink some beer and wait to be served. My husband knows this is not how our family works thankfully, over my dead body!

Sometimes he needs a little reminder to help with certain things around the house (or 5 reminders) especially with his school work load, but in no way is he lazy.

CousinVicki · September 2013

CMireles2 said:

My husbands parents are old school Mexican. It really bothers me sometimes. The woman are always in the kitchen cooking/cleaning and taking care of the kids while the men sit around, drink some beer and wait to be served. My husband knows this is not how our family works thankfully, over my dead body! Sometimes he needs a little reminder to help with certain things around the house (or 5 reminders) especially with his school work load, but in no way is he lazy.

oh yeah this reminds me, years ago my sister once dated a cuban guy. he came over for dinner and she started serving him food. i was like WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?? he said "oh , no offense, this is how my family does it" i said NOT MINE! and gave him this look lollllllllll

LC122 · September 2013

Jalee85 said:

LC122 said:
Does it have more to do with how the women were raised or how the men were raised?
I tend to blame my MIL for any of DH's shortcomings. Bad Home Training. And he's one of the good ones, I think.
Almost started a thread about this to those of you having boys.
My father (in the middle of his 3rd divorce) once described his perfect woman in words that I can only liken to a job description for a maid/cook/secretary. I blame my grandmother. She raised 6 boys, 3 of whom are chronically divorced and 3 of whom have wives who claim to have "married them young and trained them early".
Sure we can blame MIL's for starting the habit, but we are the one's that let it continue! In my case if I don't do stuff for him he doesn't just "start" doing it. He'll start reusing water cups before he would dream of washing the dishes! My DH is one of the good ones too! And I let him get away with more than I should because of it!

Sure, I blame MIL for starting it and then it comes down to personal responsibility. His - if he doesn't clean up after himself, and mine - if I enable him or don't remind/ask/encourage him to do what needs to be done.

Skyjewell23 · September 2013

My parents were divorced by the time I was 4 so I have little memory of us all in the same home.

However, I am going to be a SAHM with DH working 40+ a week. In terms of household chores, I should shoulder 90% of it because I see that as my job. When it comes to a chore that has to do with our son (bath time, bed time, etc.) that will definitely be different. Those sort of "chores" also allow for bonding which DH and DS will need since I will be home with him all day long.

I don't think my husband should have to come home from an 8 hour day to a dirty house just to be asked to do the dishes and vacuum while I sat at home all day.

ClomidCrazed · September 2013

My FIL was very much the provider while MIL raised the kids but that woman can't cook or clean to save her life do I'm not sure where my husband gets it. He never hesitates to do something when it's needed around here even though he works his ass off. Just the kind of guy he is!!

LC122 · September 2013

Skyjewell23 said:
My parents were divorced by the time I was 4 so I have little memory of us all in the same home.

However, I am going to be a SAHM with DH working 40+ a week. In terms of household chores, I should shoulder 90% of it because I see that as my job. When it comes to a chore that has to do with our son (bath time, bed time, etc.) that will definitely be different. Those sort of "chores" also allow for bonding which DH and DS will need since I will be home with him all day long.

I don't think my husband should have to come home from an 8 hour day to a dirty house just to be asked to do the dishes and vacuum while I sat at home all day.

"Sat at home all day"?
Is that what you think SAHMs do?

Skyjewell23 · September 2013

LC122 said:

My parents were divorced by the time I was 4 so I have little memory of us all in the same home.

However, I am going to be a SAHM with DH working 40+ a week. In terms of household chores, I should shoulder 90% of it because I see that as my job. When it comes to a chore that has to do with our son (bath time, bed time, etc.) that will definitely be different. Those sort of "chores" also allow for bonding which DH and DS will need since I will be home with him all day long.

I don't think my husband should have to come home from an 8 hour day to a dirty house just to be asked to do the dishes and vacuum while I sat at home all day.
"Sat at home all day"? Is that what you think SAHMs do?

Well right now that is what I am doing, at least for a few more weeks. I understand that I will be taking care of a child, but I also feel that part of my job is to take care of the home. I don't feel that it is fair to expect my husband to earn the income and do half the house work. I'm sure some days will be easier then others in finding time to do chores.

I never said it was going to be easy, in fact it will probably be a bitch, but so would working a full time job and taking care of a newborn which is what I see being a SAHM as doing.

muffyvonmuff · September 2013

DH and I have lived together for 8 years so maybe we have "figured it out" but he wasn't all about household chores in the beginning and it took time to see how to even it all out and make it work. He can still get lazy and need to be be reminded to do something but he always does it quickly. Nowadays he's super great especially with being prego he does more than I would ever ask, but in all honesty I think everyone has had this fight:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTBAhYE-_bw

hartsl01 · September 2013

My parents definitely split household chores and time with me and my brother but my mom did a lot more inside and my dad did a lot more outside. I know DH's family was different and his dad did a lot more in the house, but his mom did everything for DH and his brother (still does when we go to visit).

I thought my DH was lazy around the house, but after reading a lot of posts, I realize I'm one of the lucky ones. Yes, he needs a little pushing every now and then, but very rarely. But then again, I married a man, not a child.

SuperSecretStatus · September 2013

My mom is a lesbian, and my "father" was not around. My grandmother has been a homemaker the majority of her life while my grandfather worked. He only does the yard work, cooks occasionally, and handles maintenance stuff. I think he does a little more around the house now but still not much.

Chrisanna0508 · September 2013

I would say I do a lot of the things around the house, but I am also kind of anal about things and it drives DH up the wall. He is a tidier and I am a cleaner so that works out well most of the time. I do most of the cooking because DH is a perfectionist and I will hear cursing streaming out of the kitchen when he goofs up. He has definitely stepped up to the plate since I have been pregnant and has been doing the dishes a lot and helping clean. He has always done all the outside chores. I am glad that he is willing to help because FIL doesn't do anything around the house. They came up to our house for Thanksgiving last year and MIL, DH, and I were all cleaning up the kitchen while he sat on the sofa. My parents split things up more and, while my dad never cooked, he did a lot around the house.

KimCousino · September 2013

My Grandma tells all of her granddaughters "If you don't take care of your husband, someone else will!"
And throws a fit if we don't make our husbands a plate if we are eating over there. We kindly remind her that we are no longer in 1940 and our husbands are very capable of caring for themselves!
Don't get me wrong, sometimes my H needs a kick in the ass to get him going, but he will never be catered to like my grandpa!

bkeane619 · September 2013

I SAH , even though my DH works he helps around the house a lot. Esp now. First he said ok to hiring cleaning lady so yay for us the past couple months. I don't know how long we will keep them but it helps a lot. They come every two weeks. He does all outdoor stuff, when I cook he does dishes, he does some laundry and does the nightly putting to bed of DS if he is home.
Edit: my dad cooked and my mom cleaned.
ILs MIL does everything and FIL expects to be served

AlwaysForgetful · September 2013

DH does very little during the week. On the weekends he helps with laundry, dishes, and a little bit of the general cleaning. Normal house he leaves at 6:45am and is home by 3:45pm. OT is 6:45am till 5:45ish pm. He is in bed by 9pm.

My father worked long hours (at work by 5pm till 5pm) and like DH it was an office job mostly. My dad is a safety engineer. So he is out inspecting at times. Those days hours varied. Normally less hours though. My dad came home and helped with some chores and cooking. My mother did little. I am sure she did a lot while we were very young, I know she cloth diapered. Once we could cook (I was in kindergarten) then we helped make dinner, one of us washed dishes, one dried, and one did floors (there were 3 of us). We also had to do upkeep on our bathroom and clean it every weekend. Plus our animals, and I am trying to remember the other chores. I do not remember my mother doing to much. I know now she doesn't. My dad does it all. Then again, it is just the 2 of them, so the house is always clean.

DH's family: his mom did it all. His dad worked long hours (sometimes 2 jobs) so he would come home, eat and sleep. When he was working less hours it was come home, eat, work on the race car and sleep. He did play with the kids, but no cleaning. They lived next door to grandma. So I am sure that was some help.

Oh, and I could work (I worked 3rds for Christmas season one year) and I was still expected to do it all during the week. Yep... I do not work now.

kjenkins346 · September 2013

In our house things are pretty equal, and since it has gotten so difficult for me to move my DH has definitely stepped up and taken over more things. Typically I cook, deal with the dishes and laundry and DH takes care of the yard and trash. He's also way more of a clean freak than I am, but his version of cleaning is to just throw everything out without taking to time to see if it's something that is actually needed. I'm more of an organize, put things back where they belong and clean anything dirty person. I clean up (dust, wipe down counters, sweep and swifter) but he tends to vacumn more because for some reason I have this strong dislike of the sound of a vacumn. What pisses me off the most is that if my DH doesn't see me clean, he acts like it doesn't happen so then when he decides it's time to clean he gets all superior acting.

tmccord21 · September 2013

Amjoy25 said:

My mom was a single parent, so she did everything; we were tasked with chores, but she mostly did everything. And thanks for making me feel like a loser because I don't have a "nuclear" family. (

@amjoy25 This was my fam too

LetsGoToDisney · September 2013

All it took to get my husband to help more with the cleaning, was for me to ask. But then you have to give a little slack when it comes to the way he does chores.

nbcarlson · September 2013

My husband is really good about helping around the house. The only thing he isn't good about helping with is the dishes. Come April he is going to be a SAHD though and he knows that most of the household things are going to be his responsibility.

I'm glad he is so helpful, my dad never helped around the house because my mom was a SAHM. He also acts like he does everything for our family more so than our mom, who drove around five kids to all of their activities and also kept house and made amazing dinners every night. It's always bothered me, but I think he is finally realizing how much she actually does...a little late!

taylormarie923 · September 2013

I do a thorough cleaning on the weekends because that is just what I have done since I was little. DH is off during the middle of the week and does a general clean of the place on one of his days off so the house never reaches crazy dirty levels. He does 90% of the cooking, I hate to cook. I do 90% of the laundry, he can't figure out that hot water will shrink my jeans. I don't mind taking on the majority of the indoor tasks because he keeps up with the outdoor work. We live on a large piece of land so this is a big job (though our recent purchase of a riding lawnmower has freed up a full day a week for him).

As for how I was raised, my parents divorced when I was 2. Both parents took responsibility for their own homes. My step dad on the other hand saw us kids as free labor and I did all the cleaning, laundry, yard work as assigned. By the time I was old enough to know what was up, I made a deal to get paid weekly as their cleaning service. This went on until I moved out of my mom's house - and also paid for my car.

germanpickle · September 2013

My mom was a single mom and we were required to do lots to help in the house (obviously). My MIL, however, did everything. After he retired, my FIL began to help MIL but the kids did not have chores or were not even expected to help with anything. As a result I taught my husband how to do all chores around the house (laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc etc).

When we are at my in-laws house, I'm not welcome to do anything. The other girlfriend/wife isn't either. I think it is because we do it "wrong". My husband doesn't even try.

The only time this really causes stress is when we celebrate birthdays. My husband's family expects a four-course meal (literally: soup, salad, meal, desert), plated up, and served at the table. That means that the women in the family (well, everyone but me) prep, cook, plate, carry, serve, pick up, and then clean up. Shockingly there was a buffet last year (AWESOME!) so maybe times are changing.

However, at our home we serve chili with rice or pizza, and everyone can help themselves. Or maybe we grill out. My in-laws insist on bringing salad with them. And my MIL has a really hard time NOT serving, cleaning up, etc while she is here but she is getting better.

At our home, my husband carries his weight around the home. I think it is about the expectations we set and hold ourselves accountable to. For example, my husband was getting a little snotty about how I am doing laundry. We talked about it a few times, he stayed snotty, and so I told him that he can now be doing his own laundry until we can figure out a system that works.

allymp13 · September 2013

Grew up with a single mom that did everything so my experience is different. My mom did everything and my bro and I had chores.

In our house dh and i do everything pretty evenly. Sometimes more than the other sometimes less, but we both get it all done together.

Now my bro and sil is a totally different story. She works ft as a teacher, cooks, cleans, mows the lawn, does repairs in the house recently she just painted and installed a new toilet and she is with my nephew 90% of the time. My bro feels that since he makes a lot more money than her and works more that its her responsibility plus he's lazy and my grandmother waited on him hand and foot a good portion of his life. I don't agree with this at all by the way.

asilwhite · September 2013

pmarie33 said:

CousinVicki said:

was this how your parents acted? i am curious about this.

You mean his parents?

I'm really surprised MH does as much as he does because his father never did/still doesn't do anything except cut the grass or take out the trash. His dad is retired now and it's awkward to watch him actually doing stuff to help out like put the dishes in the dishwasher after a meal.

Same here. My FIL does NOTHING, like seriously, he doesn't even take his dishes from the kitchen table to the sink, but then my MIL is an enabler and waits on him hand and foot. It's painful to watch. I love my MIL but she is a doormat.

My parents, even though my mom was a SAHM, divided up chores and my dad is a neat freak. So he's always picking things up, doing dishes, etc. I've never not seen him doing housework.

Thanks GOODNESS MH isn't like his dad, or we would have MAJOR issues. He's generally pretty good about helping out around the house, but he needs some reminders every now and then. We divide chores, and he helps with dishes, laundry, etc. Have we had disagreements over helping out around the house before? Sure, I'm not sure what married couple hasn't, but is it something that happens all the time? Nope, we split duties pretty evenly.

norbert5 · September 2013

Skyjewell23 said:

LC122 said:

Skyjewell23 said:
My parents were divorced by the time I was 4 so I have little memory of us all in the same home.

However, I am going to be a SAHM with DH working 40+ a week. In terms of household chores, I should shoulder 90% of it because I see that as my job. When it comes to a chore that has to do with our son (bath time, bed time, etc.) that will definitely be different. Those sort of "chores" also allow for bonding which DH and DS will need since I will be home with him all day long.

I don't think my husband should have to come home from an 8 hour day to a dirty house just to be asked to do the dishes and vacuum while I sat at home all day.
"Sat at home all day"?
Is that what you think SAHMs do?

Well right now that is what I am doing, at least for a few more weeks. I understand that I will be taking care of a child, but I also feel that part of my job is to take care of the home. I don't feel that it is fair to expect my husband to earn the income and do half the house work. I'm sure some days will be easier then others in finding time to do chores.

I never said it was going to be easy, in fact it will probably be a bitch, but so would working a full time job and taking care of a newborn which is what I see being a SAHM as doing.

Just so you know the m in SAHM is for mom. DH and I split the housework because I have two children ( soon to be 3) to take care of. Is it 50/50? Hell no, I do more some days and he does more somedays but that is because we are partners. If cleaning is your priority as a SAHM you are doing t wrong.

WSatisfiedP · September 2013

My husband is my equal partner, I didn't marry a child. He prefers my cooking, but he shares cooking, cleaning, and laundry. For the most part we just do whatever needs to get done. He gets off early on Fridays and lately I just come home to a completely clean house...he has no problem picking up extra chores to give the prego girl a break. Now that I'm on bedrest, he'll be doing it all for a while.

I came from a single mom situation so she did everything and my husband comes from a very traditional household (MIL does everything-cooks, cleans, grocery shops). My husband wouldn't imagine of sitting on the couch and watching me clean.

sfshorter · September 2013

I get frustrated at DD and DH because sometimes I think they should help more, but this has mostly only been an issue during my pregnancy because I'm super stressed about ALL the work that will be added when baby gets here. For the most part, DH and I have a good system that works for us. He folds ALL of the massive amounts of laundry and we both do general clutter cleanup throughout the week. He also either totally cleans or helps clean the kitchen after I cook. Most of the time I help him because I don't mind and we talk during that time. He takes the trash out for the most part now because it's a long walk down the drive and it's blazing hot here. I normally do deep cleaning a couple times a month. I'll stay home a morning and do it, or do it on a Saturday morning. I really like doing it, and if I were a SAHM, I'd keep it up all the time, but I work all the time, even from home, so it doesn't get done as much as I'd like.

My mom and dad were divorced. My mom always hired someone to clean, and after she wasn't able to do that anymore, I was the maid. She paid me though, so it was a normal Friday thing for me to clean up her and my brother's sloppy messes all over the house. My little brother was spoiled and I had to show him how to do laundry when he was 25 because he had never done it before. My mom did his laundry, one of the only things she did besides drink, and he used the college service once he moved out. When he got his own place, he had no clue. He's about to be 27 and he still needs some lessons on cleaning, or a wife that will lay down the law.

That's what I'm hoping for.

Christine&Chris · September 2013

Both my DH and I come from very traditional role families. The fathers are there for dinner (usually), special occasions, and rare hanging-out. Our moms did absolutely everything (and still do everything for both our fathers to this day). DH and I are straight up 50/50...and honestly, and I tell him just about every day, he's really doing a lot more than I ever expect of him right now. He's a SAHD on Fridays with DD, gives her her nightly bath, cooks (or picks up) dinner half the time, deep cleans the bathrooms, takes care of the cat and everything outside. We've been together for 12+ years and have a very team approach to life...so incredibly grateful for it after reading the alternative.

Wino0920 · September 2013

I do the inside housework and DH works and does the outside, plus his laundry. We decided this was best for us. I don't work so I seriously don't know what I would do all day if I didn't clean. I have a 2 year old but he plays and sleeps. Pretty much can clean while he is doing those things. Seriously, those who stay home what F do you do all day? I don't care if its the dad or mom staying home, I seriously can't comprehend how you don't have time to clean. If you do an hour or so a day it's kept up and not that difficult.

I also have a DH that is always doing stuff for me and I don't have to ask. Plus, when he gets home, he wants to do nothing but spend time with his son. They read, play, go on walks, gives him baths. I would never take that little time away from him. Then boo goes to bed and its mom and dad time.

Wino0920 · September 2013

I've never said anything because DH does it, BUT when he unloads the dishwasher it drives me insane!!! He puts things in the wrong places and I am forever trying to locate them!! Lol!

hartsl01 · September 2013

Wino0920 said:

I've never said anything because DH does it, BUT when he unloads the dishwasher it drives me insane!!! He puts things in the wrong places and I am forever trying to locate them!! Lol!

Haha, I'm like this when DH loads the dishwasher! He puts everything in the most awkward spot so when it's 'full' only about half the dishes are in it. I would much rather just do it myself so that all of the dirty dishes can fit at once.

I also do all of the laundry because the last time DH did, his white t-shirts came out pink. And I actually don't mind doing the laundry.

jennlin · September 2013

i don't do everything...h does a lot, and maybe more than i do...but he acts like a child about it while doing it (i don't ask him to do it, he is very proactive..just slams things around when cleaning).

i blame his parents...MIL was a SAHM and had the time to do everything around the house--cook and keep the house spotless. she never worked..even when the kids were grown/in school..so that's ALL she did.

h expects a clean/tidy house and home cooked meals, whereas i grew up in a home where both parents worked 50-60 hour weeks, 6-7days.. our house was not clean and we ate a lot of frozen/quick food or we ate out 3+ times a week. we just have different expectations.

i work 40 hours, so not as much as my parents, but i'm tired when i get home and don't always feel like cooking/cleaning, whereas when h gets home, he sees a messy house and gets frustrated.

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