Clarification re: last name

hannahlce · September 2013

So, I posted in a thread that I wanted the baby to have my last name instead of the hubs because of me doing all the work.

Apparently that was taken totally the wrong way. That was totally meant as a joke.

I was getting a lot of flack, so instead of responding a bazillion times, here's this.

So, I don't like the idea of my child having a different last name than me, and I'm not comfortable with hubs' last name, because there are a lot of issues surrounding his fam that I'm not particularly okay with. I don't want the baby to be attached to that. My parents hyphenated my last name growing up, so on top of it being really inconvenient on legal documents, etc, it sucked being attached to a family that wasn't supportive, and was, to be honest, filled with bad people.

It's one of those things that feels like there's not a good answer to. If it were up to, hubs and I would change our last names to something totally different and just start over. But, as it is,he's uninterested in doing that. So we're trying to work it out now. The doing the work thing was really just a joke. Apparently sarcasm doesn't come across well.

So, if you were rubbed the wrong way,my bad.

bargainbabe75 · September 2013

Sounds complicated. Hope you get it sorted ok )

hannahlce · September 2013

So, we good again?

Obviously I love hubster or we wouldn't be having a baby. I'm really not a crazy bitch, I promise.

bty19 · September 2013

I have a friend born into a family with not so nice people and he hates having the last name as them.
However, a last name does not define who you are or who you will become

If your husband is okay with it too - then no big deal. It's your life and your choices!

(i have read nothing of the other thread, so I may be missing information - just going by what you just posted)

hannahlce · September 2013

SailorTink said:

Okay I am posting this in sarcastic fashion as well:

Um, yes. This. I guess I'm just too good at sarcasm.

hannahlce · September 2013

booty19 said:

I have a friend born into a family with not so nice people and he hates having the last name as them.
However, a last name does not define who you are or who you will become

If your husband is okay with it too - then no big deal. It's your life and your choices!

(i have read nothing of the other thread, so I may be missing information - just going by what you just posted)

basically I made a stupid joke that didn't translate.

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12075914/giving-my-baby-my-last-name-help#latest

And then got flamed. Which, I guess if you don't the whole situation would be feasible. I guess if I stand back as a third party, it did come off kind of annoying. But I want to continue to post here without everyone thinking I'm a crazy bitch. So, apologies all around!

notkateanymore · September 2013

I curious about the whole "his family has issues, so you don't want to associate your child with them" thing. Is that why you didn't take his name? Does he not find that insulting? Why is it OK for the baby to have a different last name from their father, but not you? I wasn't particularly insulted earlier, but it sounds a little...off.

TheSloppySwish · September 2013

I read your original response and took it as sarcasm. Then again, my sense of humor is so dry and sarcastic that many people think I'm weird. I, in turn, think they are simply too boring to appreciate the extent of my hilarity.

So congrats on being a fellow weirdo, I guess.

ETA: Hubs and I also have different last names, BTW. My daughter has his name as her legal last name and mine as a second middle name. I figure she can decide when she gets older if she wants to use them both.

hannahlce · September 2013

KateMW said:

I curious about the whole "his family has issues, so you don't want to associate your child with them" thing. Is that why you didn't take his name? Does he not find that insulting? Why is it OK for the baby to have a different last name from their father, but not you? I wasn't particularly insulted earlier, but it sounds a little...off.

I mean, that's why it's hard. I don't understand why women are 'supposed' to take their husbands name, but not the other way around. I'm not going to get into details about our families, because it's just not something we discuss with others, in general. But it doesn't seem fair to me that he gets to have his name his whole life, but I only get to have mine for my whole life. So no, he's not really insulted about me keeping mine. As far as the baby goes, like I said, we're trying to work out a way that we're both happy. Neither of us really wants a hyphenated name, just because of convenience (and the ridiculously long name this kid would have!)

So yeah, I see why you would think it's "off", but it's not insulting. The situation is what it is, and there won't be an easy way around it.

And I guess I can't answer your question "why is it okay..", because I could follow up with "Why is it okay for the baby to have his name but not mine?". I guess this mentality is partially due to how I was raised. Both of my parents used to always tell me over and over again that I was a X and that no matter what, I didn't have to give up my name, as I so firmly identify with it. And if hubs doesn't identify with his name, then I don't see what the issue was.

**I should clarify again that I dropped my mothers family's name from my hyphenated last name, as that part of my name is not what I identify with.

hannahlce · September 2013

Crap. I'm trying to edit this but I can't find an edit button. So here's the sentence I jacked up:

*** but I only get to have mine for part of my life.

hannahlce · September 2013

TheSloppySwish said:

I read your original response and took it as sarcasm. Then again, my sense of humor is so dry and sarcastic that many people think I'm weird. I, in turn, think they are simply too boring to appreciate the extent of my hilarity.
So congrats on being a fellow weirdo, I guess.
ETA: Hubs and I also have different last names, BTW. My daughter has his name as her legal last name and mine as a second middle name. I figure she can decide when she gets older if she wants to use them both.

Hey that's an option, I suppose. I mean, I made the decision about name pretty early on, but parents would legally change it for me. So I guess we could always just tell the kid we'll change it if we need to? Blah, this is one of the suck parts that I hate.

lifesaverz · September 2013

I don't really think many people in this day & age anyway would find it weird/insulting at all that you chose not to take your husband's name. Lots of women choose to keep their name. The tough part does come, when, like you're experiencing, then you have to decide what name the baby will have when having children together...but really as long as the result is something you both agree on, that's really all that matters.

lilybeth12 · September 2013

Raising my hand as another 'kept my last name' momma. Mh wasnt insulted at all by my decision. I identify with and like my last name, and I was published under it before we were married. We plan on giving our daughter mh's last name because I dont care either way. If we ever have a son he's getting my last name as his middle name (it is a common boy name).

I am hoping that living in the NE, in a city with lots of professional women will keep this from being a bfd like it was in tx in the 90s. I'd rather not need a note to pick up my kid from daycare.

edited for more detail and clarity

notkateanymore · September 2013

KateMW said:

I curious about the whole "his family has issues, so you don't want to associate your child with them" thing. Is that why you didn't take his name? Does he not find that insulting? Why is it OK for the baby to have a different last name from their father, but not you? I wasn't particularly insulted earlier, but it sounds a little...off.

I mean, that's why it's hard. I don't understand why women are 'supposed' to take their husbands name, but not the other way around. I'm not going to get into details about our families, because it's just not something we discuss with others, in general. But it doesn't seem fair to me that he gets to have his name his whole life, but I only get to have mine for my whole life. So no, he's not really insulted about me keeping mine. As far as the baby goes, like I said, we're trying to work out a way that we're both happy. Neither of us really wants a hyphenated name, just because of convenience (and the ridiculously long name this kid would have!)

So yeah, I see why you would think it's "off", but it's not insulting. The situation is what it is, and there won't be an easy way around it.

And I guess I can't answer your question "why is it okay..", because I could follow up with "Why is it okay for the baby to have his name but not mine?". I guess this mentality is partially due to how I was raised. Both of my parents used to always tell me over and over again that I was a X and that no matter what, I didn't have to give up my name, as I so firmly identify with it. And if hubs doesn't identify with his name, then I don't see what the issue was.

**I should clarify again that I dropped my mothers family's name from my hyphenated last name, as that part of my name is not what I identify with.

I have no issue with you not wanting to take his last name bc you like your name, want to keep it, etc. I'm asking you didn't take it bc you don't want to associate with his family? And if that was that, did that insult him? How can your husband NOT identify with his name...it's his name and has been his whole life. Hell, is he a Madoff? That's about the only name I could think of that might make people want to change it.

hannahlce · September 2013

KateMW said:
I have no issue with you not wanting to take his last name bc you like your name, want to keep it, etc. I'm asking you didn't take it bc you don't want to associate with his family? And if that was that, did that insult him? How can your husband NOT identify with his name...it's his name and has been his whole life. Hell, is he a Madoff? That's about the only name I could think of that might make people want to change it.

Bahahahaha, no he's not a Madoff!

No, he's not insulted. And I'll leave it at that. Without getting into details, I will just say there are issues surrounding his dad's family and I do not wish to share a name with them. He respects that. I would totally take his mom's last name, their family is amazing. So if that was the compromise, I would be cool with that.

2010weddinggal · September 2013

But your husband is not his dad right? A name only identifies a person, it is up to you and your husband to teach your child your ways. Just because you give your child his last name does not mean the child will grow up to be anything like them. Oh well, I do not get it and I suppose it is not my business I just wanted to give my opinion.

lilybeth12 · September 2013

2010weddinggal said:

But your husband is not his dad right? A name only identifies a person, it is up to you and your husband to teach your child your ways. Just because you give your child his last name does not mean the child will grow up to be anything like them. Oh well, I do not get it and I suppose it is not my business I just wanted to give my opinion.

his family doesnt have to be the madoffs for it to be an issue. i can think of several reasons why having a different last name than some of my extended family would be a good thing. and I still like most of them.

blainethetrain · September 2013

Not identifying with family is a legit reason to not give a baby that last name, IMO. This is a big reason why I took DHs name despite my general misgivings about this tradition. My mom switched back to her maiden name after my parents got divorced, and my dad was pretty much absent, so I was saddled with a name that meant little to me. I was happy to get rid of it when I got married.

zou bisou · September 2013

Sounds like you place a lot of value in a last name. I don't really understand that myself. Last names are mostly practical things to me. When it comes to choosing a last name for a kid, I just hope for the kid's sake that they don't get stuck with something super long or awkward to say and write.

peitri · September 2013

In some cultures, it's common for children to have two last names - dad's first, then mom's. It's not hyphenated, and both are legal last names, but many times the second name (mom's) ends up being left out to make it easier on documents, licenses, etc. They use both to show lineage from both parents (which IMO is pretty cool, but hey).

I have a lot of students who end up going by one or the other by choice (dad isn't in the picture? Use mom's name, or vice versa). Just a thought.

notthecheat · September 2013

My husband is so completely traditional that it surprises me sometimes how liberal he also is. I am completely ANTI-traditional. Luckily for him, I found his last name interesting and was excited to adopt it as my own. I was also ready for a little change and liked that the change signified the milestone in my life. Otherwise we'd be quite in a pickle. Because I totally agree that it doesn't seem fair that women are just "supposed" to take the husband's name. I also really like the idea of making up the totally new last name, I have heard of it before in a couple hippie families.

So sorry you are dealing with this complication. You have every right to a decision about the name as the father and you are entitled to your own opinions without having to feel like they're "wrong" just because they're different. I hope you can find some way to resolve the issue peacefully.

Yogakitten · September 2013

I agree -- I don't get why it's assumed that the husband's name will take precedence over the wife's name. For what it's worth, I didn't take my husband's name either. I don't care for my last name and liked the idea of sharing a name with him, but I just couldn't get on board with taking his. My husband was shocked that I even considered taking his name and offered to take mine as well -- it wasn't just a gesture, he was serious. In the end, we kept our own names. For the baby, it was never just assumed that he would get my husband's name. We're still discussing it, but we're thinking about his last name (his is much easier to pronounce) and a first name that honors my ethnicity. But we'll see!

mavgirl_73 · September 2013

I was given my fathers last name, as my mother thought it was the right thing to do, she was a single parent at the time. I don't feel like my last name has ever defined me as a person. I believe you and your husband should come to an agreed upon name.

Ansleyturner · September 2013

I too do not identify with my last name. My parents were also divorced at a young age. Despite my mom always saying my negative traits came from (my last name's) side, and always said remember you're an (her maiden name) I think I actually made the decision to not like my last name because I've never been close to my dad or his family and my moms maiden name is very looked up to in the community and is of course my grandfathers last name who was more of a parent to me than anyone.
If I had my moms maiden name as my last name I might've kept it as well. But since I have my dads I'm actually happy to be shedding it and starting new. (Even though I don't love DFs last name since its very Hispanic and I'm a little white girl and it doesn't go very well with my name)

amberpro · September 2013

lilybeth12 said:
Raising my hand as another 'kept my last name' momma. Mh wasnt insulted at all by my decision. I identify with and like my last name, and I was published under it before we were married. We plan on giving our daughter mh's last name because I dont care either way. If we ever have a son he's getting my last name as his middle name (it is a common boy name).
I am hoping that living in the NE, in a city with lots of professional women will keep this from being a bfd like it was in tx in the 90s. I'd rather not need a note to pick up my kid from daycare.

edited for more detail and clarity

FWIW, these days everyone needs their DL to pick up a child from school, same last name or not.

And having a different last name than your mom is very common now, even in TX

. When I call parents, I never assume the parent just automatically has the child's last name.

sporklemotion · September 2013

I agreed with you in the other thread, and still do. I honestly didn't seriously consider taking my DH's last name, nor did he expect or even want me to. I don't know your situation, but I think I get what you mean about his name. My DH's father essentially abandoned them, and he doesn't know anyone from that side of the family except his father, whom he views as a casual buddy more than a father. His mother remarried, and his sister changed her name, so he's really the only person with that name. His "family" is his mother's family. I was closer to my parents, so carrying on their name is more important to me. This will likely be the only child to do it, as my sister is older and has no plans for kids, and there are no cousins, etc. with this last name. In any event, it's 2013, and I think we've moved past the stage where kids having different last names from a parent is weird.

hannahlce · September 2013

M&H2011 said:

After watching The Whites on Netflix I can totally see why someone would want to separate themselves from a familial name. I'm sure OP and her husband have their reasons and they are probably pretty good. Hopefully he's not one of the Netflix Whites! lol!

ETA: To clarify The Wild and Wonderful Whites. It's quite entertaining in the watching a train wreck kind of way.

Nrg2020 said:

maybe she's a hatfield or a mccoy? JK. I think you should do what feels right for your family.

He's not a White, but HE is a Hatfield and I AM a McCoy!

hannahlce · September 2013

Thanks for all the support, ladies!

I just wanted you guys to know I'm not a crazy bitch, I just have beliefs that apparently aren't really common yet. I appreciate the snark and support! But mostly the snark.

Want a personalized experience?

Clarification re: last name

Re: Clarification re: last name

Choose Another Board

Search Boards