Ugh. Big Kid Issue.

neverblushed · September 2013

My daughter, who turns 13 on Friday, has recently fallen in with a new friend group. The group sort of coalesced at the end of last school year, and this was a big deal to my kid, who had lots of friends in middle school, but who hadn't really settled into one group yet. The girls get together almost every weekend, and my daughter has really enjoyed having a social life. The girl who seems to be the most charismatic of the new group has an older sister in high school. All the other girls are either the oldest or only children in their families. As a result, my daughter (and I suspect some of the other girls) has been introduced to a lot of "older teen" stuff through this one girl. So far, so good. As a parent, you always know that your child will step out of the "tween" stage and become a true "teenager" at some point, and you know it's going to be other kids who provide the gateway to that change.

One of the things this other girl is into is "Cosplay." For uninitiated, Cosplay is a portmanteau of the words "costume" and "play" and it involves dressing up as your favorite comic book/video game/manga/film/fantasy character. One thing Cosplayers like to do is dress up and attend conventions. Generally, two types of people are attracted to Cosplay: dorky teenagers and young adults like my daughter and her friends, who just want to enjoy creating costumes and being fans; and... dorky adults for whom Cosplay borders on sexual fetishism. There's a wholesome (if dorky) side, and a creepy side to it.

The friend group is planning to attend ComicCon in a city near us this weekend. The plan is for the girls to be dropped off at the convention center Saturday at 11 and picked up at 7:30 pm, spend the night at one friend's house, go back to the convention the next day and be picked up by a different mom and delivered home around 5 or 6 pm on Sunday.

I talked about it with my DH, and we decided we are not okay with dropping off our kid at a convention center in a major city an hour away from our home, even if she is with friends and promises to stay in the exhibition hall of the convention. I emailed the other moms, saying that we would drive our kid up there and meet up with the group. We are okay with our child roaming the exhibition hall with friends if we are on the premises. We are okay with one day of the convention, but see no reason for spending both days there.

I got an email from the mom of the charismatic leader of the group basically stating the following:

--I also used to feel uncomfortable with Cosplay conventions when my oldest daughter first started going to them in 8th grade.

--I've been to some of them, and it's mostly teenagers and young families.

--My daughter and other girls have been to several of these events without parents, and it's been fine.

--We've talked to her about safety at these things. We trust her.

--I am fine with the plan of dropping off the girls at the convention both days.

--If you can't agree to this, I'm sorry your daughter will have to miss out.

She did word it nicer than it's coming off here, but the message is clear: I'm sort of aggravated by this email, but I can also understand that her daughter, who is used to a lot more freedom than my daughter, and the other girls, don't want to take a step backwards from total freedom to having parents on the premises.

How would you respond to this?

jerseygirl81 · September 2013

I don't really see how she can prohibit your daughter from going to the convention. How is she planning on doing that? What prevents your daughter from meeting up with her friends once inside the exhibit hall? I'm confused about that part.

As a comiccon fan, myself, I don't think I'd be worried about the possible "darker side" of things. To me, it's no more dangerous than dropping a kid off at the mall.

gimmietimmies · September 2013

I'm with Auntie on this one. I've been myself and ds is huge into these conventions. I'd have no problems at letting him go at 13 and even less now. He's given me no reason not to trust that he will behave or be safe. I agree, you should go and see what it's about so you can be more comfortable with it.

gimmietimmies · September 2013

I did have to come back and say I'm slightly insulted by the stereotype of dorky teen/adult. I've been a Trekkie and sci fi fan since I was little, it was a bit dorky back in the 90s, but this is so mainstreet now that it runs all walks of life. I hope you don't give that impression off to your dd. I hated hiding stuff like this from my family and friends because outwardly you'd put me at jock, those who knew me also knew I was honor roll and bugged me for that (yes, family), having one more thing like my interests teased would have been humiliating, and was when they found out. Being a teen is hard enough without having to defend yourself from well intentioned family over your hobbies.

neverblushed · September 2013

gimmietimmies said:

I did have to come back and say I'm slightly insulted by the stereotype of dorky teen/adult.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Please don't be offended. I'm a lifelong lover of Star Wars, my mom and I used to videotape every episode of Star Trek: Next Generation, I'm still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts, I play video games every evening, and my kids and I are already arguing over who is going to get Pokemon X vs Y when it is released next month.

We're all about being "a-dork-able" here. But I hear you about making sure my daughter doesn't feel like we disrespect her interests. We have discussed the way that this hobby is perceived with her and talked about why some people are uncomfortable with fantasy.

I guess what makes me uncomfortable is when my daughter tells me she and her friends are "Into Cosplay." Kids this age SHOULD feel that they're allowed to still be fans of their favorite fantasy stories. But it should just be called "being into comics" or "being into X-men" or "a fan of Homestuck" or whatever. It's the adults who need to give this phenomenon a name.

And the reason a lot of adults need to give it a name is because -- like it or not -- there is a creepy undertone to some of it. Yes, I know there are many adults who love comics and gaming who are not creeps. But there's an underlying -- and sometimes even overt -- sexual aspect to cosplay that I think is okay for adults; they know what they're getting into. But I think that territory is sort of subtle and confusing for a young teenager, whereas "being a fan of Homestuck" or the "Bone" series is just fan-dom.

ppants · September 2013

My kids are only 7 so I have no experience. For me, it seems like a long time for kids that age to just roam around. I'd prefer an adult check in at least once during that time. Also, a group of teenage girls hanging out for nearly two days? What's the back up plan for spats...or maybe it's a non issue?

Littlejen22 · September 2013

Stick to your guns. If you are not comfortable then don't allow yourself to be pressured and you really do not want her to have friends that are dropped off in a coy for hours with no supervision. If I were you I would respond saying that you are sure you will become comfortable but that this is the first time she is going into the city with her friends and you are not comfortable doing that yet without you being nearby but have no issue with her walking around with her friends without you. I would reiterate that you can drop her off to meet up with the girls and ask her if she has an issue with your child joining her daughter. Hopefully she did not read your whole email and misunderstood but if she says that your DD cannot meet up with her kid because she did not drive her I would be furious. My instinct would be to call her out on being a control freak bitch but probably would not because of my kid.

*sparky* · September 2013

I am guessing the charismatic girl through some sort of fit that you would be there, maybe thinking you would be hanging around the girls all day. Otherwise, I don't get her mom saying that unless you agree to the conditions your daughter is not welcome to join the other girls. That makes no sense to me. Why should another parent care if you plan to stay on premises or not?

Up until that point in the email, it seemed like she was tryinig to alleviate your concerns, saying that they had done this a few times before.

I can't say if I would be comfortable in this situation or not, but if you truly do not feel comfortable, I would not let this mom change your mind. Perhaps you can offer to drive the girls the first day and make it clear you don't plan to tag along with them all day, but just want to stay in the area in case there are any issues. I don't see how she could have any objection to that. I think I would want to see something like this myself for the first time so I would know if it is a situation I feel like my child would be safe in.

neverblushed · September 2013

Ladies -- thanks for all your wise thoughts and your input. I wanted to update you on the way things have shaken out in the last 24 hours:

I responded to the email, thanking the mom of the leader of the girls for her information. I said that we would be attending the convention, but that we didn't feel the need to stick with the girls' group while they were there. They have a "kid zone" and we have promised to take DS (who actually likes comics...) to see some stuff that interests him. I said, "I'm sure, just like you once had to see for yourself to feel comfortable, I'll be much less apprehensive about future WhateverCons when I've been to this one and seen it for myself."

Turns out that Sunday has a specific event that the girls care about, so there's an actual reason for them to attend on the 2nd day. Another parent decided to take a younger brother on Sunday, doing the same thing we'll be doing on Saturday. So the girls will not be just dropped off in a convention center of a major metro area all weekend with the nearest parent 45 minutes away.

I spent most of today making DD a costume to wear. Since she has been stumped for what she wanted for her birthday, we figured the tickets, the transportation, and the costume make a pretty good 13th birthday weekend!

All in all, I feel pretty good about the way things stand.

Aimathy · September 2013

I'm glad it worked out....and I'm glad you went with your gut! I swear, the older I get, the more I realize that there's a reason we were blessed with women's intuition. If your gut feeling was that you felt uncomfortable with her there that long, alone, then don't let another parent/board posters/friends etc make you change your mind. Your job is to protect your children and an added perk is letting them have fun.

There's no reason you can't set some boundaries and still let her participate in something she enjoys. I hope you both have a great time.

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