I don't know what to do.... Bachorlette drama.

Momto1goofball · September 2013

I have posted before about my brother getting married in a month. Well, the bachelor/bachelorette parties have been planned.

They will both be the same night which is cool. I have no problem with it. The issue that I have is that the girls are going out to a night club 30

min. away where it it is going to cost $20 to get in. Add to that, paying for parking and any drinks that we will have. normally I would have no problem with this but I have no interest in the strippers/"entertainment" that will be dancing (I have no intrest in SO right now either. Poor guy). The girls are supposed to be meeting there around 7 and we will be there all night. I planned on driving myself so that I would be able to leave when I got to tired but I feel like I would be dragging everyone down. Since we were meeting so early I thought we would be having dinner fist and then go out but I have been since informed that we are not anywhere first. This whole thing has been very vague. We were given very few details. I sent a message to both the bride and the MOH and I talked to the bride. She was ok with it and understood but this is what I sent and then got back from the MOH:

idk if ill go to the club with yall on the 28th. $16-$20 to get in for me to sit there and drink water plus whatever chris is doing that night is not going to work. We went out for a bit Fri night for a friends bday and after 2 dance I was done. The muscles in my abdomen hurt so bad.

I will prolly just meet yall where ever at 7 and then jet when you head to the club.

Ok, I'm going to say this as politely and diplomatically as possible.. You are being just a little bit selfish right now. This party is not about you, it is about Anna. The $20 is for the "entertainment" not for drinks and I'm sure you won't be the only one drinking water because there will be designated drivers there. No one is asking you to dance, we were simply requesting your presence to enjoy the evening with the Bride. I went to many a bachelorette party when I was pregnant and had to drink water and not dance. It's called a selfless act of kindness to show support for the bride. This message you just sent me would be the equivalent of me not showing up for Anna's bridal shower because I didn't care for the food or want to bring a gift. As for meeting up with us beforehand, there really won't be that much there so making a trip out for that is pretty much pointless. I will just remove you from the invite list, and leave it at that

slmille4 · September 2013

I don't think you're being selfish. You aren't demanding they go somewhere else you just said you won't be up for that. Which is true. I had the same thing where I met up for a friends bachelorette party for the dinner but left before the heavy drinking. Maybe apologize to the bride in person if you think she'll be more understanding.

Momto1goofball · September 2013

I wasn't trying to be selfish just practical . We really dont have the money to spend well over $100 between the two of us. I'll just be sitting there while everyone dances and enjoys the "entertainment". By the way the male form does nothing for me. I'd rather watch females dancing than male shaking the everything all over. Poor SO, I feel bad for him because even he is doing nothing for me right now. I feel like I would just be dragging everyone down.

Please don't get nasty but I would like to hear what you ladies would do in the same situation.

slmille4 · September 2013

Momto1goofball said:
I wasn't trying to be selfish just practical . We really dont have the money to spend well over $100 between the two of us. I'll just be sitting there while everyone dances and enjoys the "entertainment". By the way the male form does nothing for me. I'd rather watch females dancing than male shaking the everything all over. Poor SO, I feel bad for him because even he is doing nothing for me right now. I feel like I would just be dragging everyone down.

Please don't get nasty but I would like to hear what you ladies would do in the same situation.

I hope this wasn't in response to me. I said you WEREN'T being selfish.

Momto1goofball · September 2013

The bride understood and is okay with it. She wants me to be there but knows me and is fine. This is all from the maid of honor.

All of the bachelorette parties I have ever been to meet up for dinner before they go out and the head to some of the local bars with dancing. With this one we are meeting at the club at 7.

I asked about dinner before hand since everything has been so vague and was told by someone else invited that they had "nverheard of meeting for dinner before hand unless that party was lame and held at home"

Deblondie1 · September 2013

That MOH is out of line. If the bride is understanding then I would let it go. She's the one who matters not a MOH on a power trip.

Momto1goofball · September 2013

@slmille4 no it wasnt. I was typing it when you posted.

slmille4 · September 2013

Ha I had a "lame" bachelorette party at home. It was a sex toy party where I could drink all I wanted without worrying about getting home.
@momto1goofball. Sorry just making sure didn't want to start any unneeded drama lol

sarahlisa00 · September 2013

That's tough. Are you in the wedding? I've already been to one bachelorette since I've been pregnant and actually have another next weekend for a wedding I'm in. It never crossed my mind for a second to not go, however, if I was not in the wedding and didn't really feel like going I don't think it's that bad. It's also going to be your sister in law though so I guess it would also have to do with how close you are. Personally if someone didn't want to come out for mine, especially pregnant, I wouldn't have minded. I also though wouldn't want to miss such a big event for a family members wedding. soooo I think it kinda depends on how close you guys are! If you are even considering not going sounds like you probably aren't that close and it's not a big deal. It's too bad they aren't doing a dinner first, that would have been perfect!

HappyDoc · September 2013

I agree that the MOH was out of line in her email to you, I almost wonder if there are a lot of other people she invited who aren't going, and you are the one getting the brunt of her irritation. If the bride understands your situation, I think it is fine. I also think that if you felt up to it, it would be great if you could go for a couple of hours to show your support for the bride and celebrate her special day. To me, there is a difference between not going because you are pregnant and don't feel up to it, and not going because you don't want to spend the money. Two separate issues, in my opinion.

nbbride06 · September 2013

Honestly, I would suck it up and go. This is your future SIL. I went to my SIL's bachelorette party when I was 7 months pregnant. I drove 3 hours there, spent the money, and drove 3 hours back. Not my idea of fun but I did it. I think the maid of honor was a bit harsh in her response, but I kind of agree with her. Good luck with your decision. IMHO, this would be money, time, effort well spent for a good relationship with your SIL.

Ladams30 · September 2013

I probably would have just said something along the lines of "can't afford for both of us to go out and DH/SO is really looking forward to the bach party, wishing you guys tons of fun" rather than "I'm pregnant, can't drink and not interested in sexy men." (Although I do totally get that part). She doesn't need the whole reason, she only needs enough to understand you won't be there. You can always explain to the bride in detail and as long as she understands, that's all that matters.

susieandmarty · September 2013

This will be your sister in law - I would go and make the best if it. Moh's response was not the best but I understand the sentiment. I would hang as long ad I could - pregnant or not it does not sound like fun or how I would spend an evening. It is what the bride wAnts and id having. I would go with it and keep my mouth shut

Momto1goofball · September 2013

I am in the wedding and her and I are actually pretty close. I sent the same message to her as I did the MOH. She knows our situation and Me. The MOH is keeping her completely in the dark about everything other than that we are going to the club and partying. But she is also keeping us in the dark too because the invite was sent out via FB and the bride was added to the invite list. There are 18 people invited and so far no one has declined. I am more worried about the money than I am about me. I can handle a couple of hours out. Though @HappyDoc I am not a partier and never have been while the other girls are huge drinkers and partiers.

HappyDoc · September 2013

Momto1goofball said:

I am in the wedding and her and I are actually pretty close. I sent the same message to her as I did the MOH. She knows our situation and Me. The MOH is keeping her completely in the dark about everything other than that we are going to the club and partying. But she is also keeping us in the dark too because the invite was sent out via FB and the bride was added to the invite list. There are 18 people invited and so far no one has declined. I am more worried about the money than I am about me. I can handle a couple of hours out. Though @HappyDoc I am not a partier and never have been while the other girls are huge drinkers and partiers.

Based on this, I would say see if you can find a way to budget the money and go for a few hours. If you are only having to pay $20 to get in, I think that is very reasonable. Most bachelorette parties I have been to have cost me at least $200 (my dinner, my share of the bride-to-be's dinner, cover charge at clubs, drinks and my share of bride-to-be's drinks, my part of renting a limo, etc.). If you just can't swing the cost, there is no shame in that, but if you can make it work somehow, it would be nice for the bride-to-be!

Morenajuliet · September 2013

nbbride06 said:

Honestly, I would suck it up and go. This is your future SIL. I went to my SIL's bachelorette party when I was 7 months pregnant. I drove 3 hours there, spent the money, and drove 3 hours back. Not my idea of fun but I did it. I think the maid of honor was a bit harsh in her response, but I kind of agree with her. Good luck with your decision. IMHO, this would be money, time, effort well spent for a good relationship with your SIL.

I totally get where you're coming from and I wouldn't want to pay the extra money either HOWEVER, like nbbride mentioned, it would show effort toward a good relationship with your SIL. I don't know how strapped for cash you are but if you could swing it I would probably go. It is your situation so you will decide what is best. I, selfishly, would hate that it's supposed to be a fun event (although strippers are not fun to me) and you won't be able to even enjoy it- BOO! Good luck with making the best call for your circumstance.Keep us posted!

jgraham80 · September 2013

I think the MOH is out of line. Comparing the bachelorette to the bridal shower doesn't make sense either. A lot of people don't even have bachelorette parties. I probably would've kept my reason more vague. Just a simple "It's out of my budget and I haven't been feeling well," but I understand you wanted to explain.

Also, my MOH was my sister and because I know she hates the club scene I told her ahead of time to not worry about it if she only wanted to do dinner. Same for my best friend who was pregnant. Although the wedding is about the bride, I think they should still be aware of the wedding parties' needs.

mommygrams0730 · September 2013

I'm with the pp's that say you should suck it up and go. I know money is tight right now with baby coming, but you're in the wedding and it's your SIL. Of course she is going to say its fine for you to miss, but I bet she really would want you there. You're driving so you can leave when you want.

My SIL came out (so not her scene or style) but skipped the toy party before hand bc it wasn't her thing. She drove separate and left early but she was there.

MOH is right, but her delivery was terrible...however she's defending her best friend so I can see where she's coming from.

rowanthefrog · September 2013

Personally I would go. I've been a pregnant BM several times now. I went out to the bars at 8 months pregnant. Did I get some weird looks? Yes, but I did it for my friend. It was her day and it was about her and I was there to support her. I paid the cover and I enjoyed sipping on my water and it was fine. They went somewhere else afterwards and I didn't go to the second place, but I showed up for the first with a big smile on my face and tried to enjoy myself.

I also was a BM in a wedding at an all-inclusive resort. I had to pay the whole all inclusive fee, even though I wasn't drinking. Again, it was about being there for my friend and not about me.

A

Jmattis · September 2013

The MOH is def be a B. Do you think that's as a result of your SIL complaining to her about you not attending? The email you wrote her wasn't that bad, so I feel like its comig from elsewhere. If your SIL is the quite type and non-confrontational, I could definitly see that as a possibility.

I was in a bridal party at 8 weeks (height of morning sickness) that was all weekend and 4 hours away. I went for the night and then headed home the next day as I didn't feel well, but def felt I had to Make the effort since I was in the bridal party.

If I were you, I would go for 2 hours, show your face and then head out once everyone starts getting boozed up. If you do, at least you can say you tried and noone can take that from you.

Good luck with your decision!

BrittNR · September 2013

I had my bachelorette party a year ago this month, and my SIL didn't go. We are close, but she explained they didn't have the money. I completely understood and she wasn't even pregnant. Going to dinner is showing your support for her and I think the MOH can suck it.

I'm not the type to not respond to that email. I would let the MOH know that I did not appreciate the cattiness of her email and I will be joining dinner but not the party after. If your SIL understands who gives a shit if she takes you off the invite list. Oh, she would hate me.

SunflowersBride · September 2013

I also agree that you should suck it up and go. I went to a bachelorette party at a male strip club (not pregnant) and while it is totally not my thing, we just sat at a table and watched the "entertainment" on the stage, so you may not have to worry about standing/dancing. The one I went to also had a $20 cover, which I think was for the dancers because the drinks weren't cheap. Anyway, I think you should go for your FSIL and just leave when you're tired. MOH probably should have let it go, but I also agree with her sentiment.

indiana101 · September 2013

I would suck it up and go. The message you sent MOH does come off as all about you when the bachelorette party is all about the bride. It would have seemed less selfish if you had of just said, "I can't make it sorry but hope that you have a good time!" rather than make a deal about the money, being bored and sore.

iwalktheline · September 2013

I agree with the PPs. I do think the MOH was harsh, but I think there is a lot of truth to what she said. I've been to two bachelorette parties so far during this pregnancy (and will probably have to go to one in December too). It's not ideal, but if I were you, I would suck it up, support the bride, and try to have fun.

bellamatson · September 2013

If I got a message like this, the MOH would go crying back to the bride cuz I found her and beat the hell out of her. Lol I wouldn't have been so nice. But, that would be my bitchy side...
Do what you feel comfortable with. You and your child are top priority.

jessicat2283 · September 2013

If you don't want to go maybe you can send a card along with her that night with some cash & say have a drink on me & write something nice in there. As a married woman I would have no desire to go watch strippers

Dishylo · September 2013

The MOH is being a total bitch! Having said that, I would still go as its your future SIL and you're in the wedding party. It's only $20, surely you can come up with that? Even if it means cutting it out of the budget somewhere else like 3 or 4 less coffees in the month or one less meal out? I would respond to the MOH, tell her that you don't appreciate the tone of her email but that you have decided that you will come out briefly for your SIL. Leave it at that.

hopeful808 · September 2013

When you agreed to be in the wedding you should have known that attending the bachalorette party was an accepted part of the role just as buying the bridesmaids dress is. While I think that the MOH could have been more tactful with her response her big idea is right. The party is for your SIL not you, it's unfortunate that you don't like what is happening and you can't drink but, your role as wedding party member requires your attendance.

Your email does sound a little selfish because every reason was soley about you. You don't want to spend the money, you can't drink, you weren't able to enjoy dancing the other night when you went out with friends. Nothing about not wanting to put a damper on the party, nothing about being sorry to the bride about missing the party, nothing about anyone but you. Which tends to come off as selfish especially in an email.

csandroo · September 2013

I disagree with a lot of PP's on sucking it up and going - skip it! You're SIL cannot blame you if she said she understood you couldn't make it out. After the MOH sent you such a bitchy email - I would not back down on your decision not to go ... it will just give her the power and satisfaction. I say do something nice (and less expensive than a big tiring night out like that) for just you and your SIL or just send her a present that is more in your budget rather than enduring a night that you're dreading. I know some things you have to just suck it up and go -- but I don't think a bachelorette party is one of them -- I have skipped out on a lot of family parties, events, etc. while pregnant and I don't feel bad about it at all. I'm so tired and this is the one time in life I feel like people are understanding that I'm not going to go to those type of things. That's just me but I'm trying to listen to my body and emotions as much as possible and take it easy - because if I get stressed or overtired it is meltdown time with these horomones and I know that's not good for me or baby! Stay home, enjoy your night in!!!!

bananas1112 · September 2013

Momto1goofball said:

Ok, I'm going to say this as politely and diplomatically as possible.. You are being just a little bit selfish right now. This party is not about you, it is about Anna. The $20 is for the "entertainment" not for drinks and I'm sure you won't be the only one drinking water because there will be designated drivers there. No one is asking you to dance, we were simply requesting your presence to enjoy the evening with the Bride. I went to many a bachelorette party when I was pregnant and had to drink water and not dance. It's called a selfless act of kindness to show support for the bride. This message you just sent me would be the equivalent of me not showing up for Anna's bridal shower because I didn't care for the food or want to bring a gift. As for meeting up with us beforehand, there really won't be that much there so making a trip out for that is pretty much pointless. I will just remove you from the invite list, and leave it at that

who peed in her cheerio's? everyone's pregnancy is different. I had a friend who was on such hardcore bedrest she couldn't attend her own graduation. I'm usually one to go out of my way for friends and family and push myself through things but I had to find out it ISN'T about me it's about the alien in my tummy and there is no such thing as putting my needs aside because their his/hers too and they need it most right now.

I'd say do what you feel you CAN do. Whenever I leave early I try to arrive early - maybe you two can get mani pedis early beforehand and then you can go for the beginning and leave early? And maybe buy her and the MOH a drink before you leave (cuz that B sounds like she needs one

)

sugarland726 · September 2013

While I disagree with MOH's delivery, I 100% agree with her sentiment. Being in a wedding is about the bride, not about you. You suck it up for many things. Uncomfortable shoes, buying a dress you won't ever wear again, forcing small talk with the groom's family at the bridal shower. Attending a bachelorette party when you can't drink or don't normally drink is par for the bridesmaid course. I mean really, one night for your SIL? IMO I don't think that's too much to ask.

runnergrl6675 · September 2013

I would go. It's one night and it will be over before you know it. Just leave early. MOH is a total B and should apologize to you.

cpm1223 · September 2013

If it were me I would go. I'd drive myself and leave when I felt like it. I'd also consider myself lucky if all I had to pay was $20, that's pretty cheap for a bachelorette party.

apickett925 · September 2013

I've been in 2 weddings this summer and the bachelorette parties were very different for each.
The first, The MOH insisted we all meet at the Bride's house and carpool to Atlantic City for the 2 night party. That would have been an hour to Bride's house and 2 hours to AC. I was about 7 weeks along and having trouble with getting nauseous on 30 minute drives. They also planned on bar/club hopping both nights and staying at a hotel off the boardwalk so I couldn't even go back to the room if I wasn't feeling well. That Bride was actually one of the first people I told about my preg. because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to make it. MOH gave me a bit of a hard time because I just told her I wouldn't be able to go, but didn't spill about being preg- I knew Bride was OK with it and that was all that mattered. I made sure I made it up to her and took her out to dinner a few weeks ago. Worst part is that MOH's babysitter canceled last minute and she ended up driving down separately and leaving around 10pm that first night.

Second was a full weekend thing at MOH's house down the shore. I was having fun the first day. Everyone was drinking and I'm not a huge drinker anyway, so it was fine. Until we were hanging around the firepit at MOH's house later that night and she seriously smoked 5 cigarettes in 30 minutes. I kept changing seats because the smoke kept blowing at me. I eventually went inside. Shortly after, everyone came in and MOH sat on couch next to me and tried to give me a big hug. I ran to the bathroom and spent 5 minutes dry heaving because of the smell. I ended up leaving the next morning and missed the rest of the weekend because I was so upset that she was so insensitive (although after the fact I realized she was pretty drunk and probably had no clue that she was doing that). I spoke with the Bride that morning before anyone else was up and she said she could tell I wasn't comfortable being around all the smoke and felt really bad, but couldn't exactly tell MOH to not smoke at her own house. She was fine with me going home early- she said she honestly was surprised I had made it that long since she would have booked it earlier in that situation. My original plan was to go to the beach with everyone on day 2, then drive separately to dinner and leave after dinner when they were going to a club. They had rented a limo to drive them, so if I didn't drive myself I would have been stuck there until at least 2am. I still gave MOH money for the limo & bride's dinner even though I didn't go. When I spoke with the bride the next day, she said I didn't miss much from what I originally planned. And she had an upset stomach most of the day so she didn't even have as much fun as she should have (especially at the beach with no bathrooms!!)

grml14 · September 2013

Is the MOH pregnant? Cause she is being a BITCH!!!! What right does she have to bitch you out about not going? If the bride doesn't mind then the MoH has no place being that rude. Your not being selfish, your pregnant. She needs off her high horse. Don't go, especially if it costs that much to get in. Ugh, that message really pissed me off. Haha

angiek1 · September 2013

sugarland726 said:

While I disagree with MOH's delivery, I 100% agree with her sentiment. Being in a wedding is about the bride, not about you. You suck it up for many things. Uncomfortable shoes, buying a dress you won't ever wear again, forcing small talk with the groom's family at the bridal shower. Attending a bachelorette party when you can't drink or don't normally drink is par for the bridesmaid course. I mean really, one night for your SIL? IMO I don't think that's too much to ask.

Mostly this! I don't think the MOH should have been as direct, but odds are you SIL (to be) complained to her or something and so she is handling things. Also - if a friend/sister were to come to me with pregnancy (and the list you sent) being the reason they wouldn't attend my bachelorette I would have told them it was "fine" but I would have been offended/hurt. You can at least go for an hour or two just to show you care. I mean 30 minutes isn't that long to drive.

spin25 · September 2013

I'm not sure if you explicitly stated this or if I just got this impression, but it seems that you would have gone out to dinner had there been a dinner planned before clubs/bars. That would have cost you at least $20, no? If this is true, then you don't really have an argument about whether you can afford it. Use the money you would have spent on dinner toward your cover/entertainment/whatever.

Only you can really make the call about whether you feel well enough to go. I would try to go if you are able; I'm sure your FSIL would appreciate your being there. If I were the bride, I certainly would say that it was fine that you skipped it, but what else can be said? No one wants to "make" someone come to their party.

Don't get me wrong--I wouldn't want to go either.

xanadu94 · September 2013

hopeful808 said:

When you agreed to be in the wedding you should have known that attending the bachalorette party was an accepted part of the role just as buying the bridesmaids dress is. While I think that the MOH could have been more tactful with her response her big idea is right. The party is for your SIL not you, it's unfortunate that you don't like what is happening and you can't drink but, your role as wedding party member requires your attendance.

Your email does sound a little selfish because every reason was soley about you. You don't want to spend the money, you can't drink, you weren't able to enjoy dancing the other night when you went out with friends. Nothing about not wanting to put a damper on the party, nothing about being sorry to the bride about missing the party, nothing about anyone but you. Which tends to come off as selfish especially in an email.

This exactly. When you agree to be in a wedding, you have to suck it up and take everything that goes with it. You should attend unless it would negatively impact the baby (i.e. smoke filled club). And even in that case, I would still send money with the other members of the group to buy the bride a drink on you.

COgirl29 · September 2013

I agree with most pp's, for a few reasons. First - when you accept being in someone's bridal party, you are doing so with the understanding that you will be attending the "events" leading up to the events, namely bachelorette and bridal shower - so even if this was a friend I would say go. It's your SIL and no matter how long you have known her or how ok she seems with it, she is prob not going to tell you that she isn't. My SIL not only came to my shower when she was 7 months pregnant - but she even helped put it on and stayed out until about midnight. She went home earlier than the rest of us- but she clearly made an effort when she wasn't feeling her best or necessarily enjoying herself - and it meant a lot to me for her to do that.
Also - I could understand the money thing more if it was $200 - not $20. That is cutting back a few things in one month to be able to save that (and trust me, I know what money being tight feels like).
I think MOH's delivery was terrible - but sentiment was true.

WinsyWade · September 2013

Is there something you can do with the bride earlier in the day in stead of going? Could you take her to get her make up done or out for pedi's? Could you and your DH take her and her DH to be out to dinner before the party?

I think that would show that you cared without it taking a toll on you/baby.

I also like the idea of sending a card with a nice message & cash for drinks in it, if you don't plan on going. That will show her you care and want her to have a good time.

CooneyGirl · September 2013

I feel really torn here. I am currently in a similar situation and have declined but for very different reasons.

My sil is getting married and the MOH is planning this extravaganza of events for the bachelorette party - most of which clearly state not suitable for pregnant ladies - like zip lining. Then dinner. Then a Bach-a-bus. Basically two separate bachelorette parties and one bachelor party on a limo bus headed to multiple clubs. These are know for smoking and drugs and other crazy situations I would never be around especially pregnant. I was planning for meeting them for the dinner portion but she changed the location and is now having it 2 hours from where I live.

I called and spoke with the bride and the MOH and the explained my concern. They both totally understood. However I will be meeting both ladies the day before and treating them to mani pedis for the occasion.

Here is my bottom line. The party is not a safe place for me and my bump. But when she asked me to stand up for her in get wedding I took on certain financial responsibilities as well as a commitment to her - pregnant or not. The mani pedi is my attempt to still contribute to the event and celebrate it without actually explain myself to all that danger and debachuery of the planned events.

I think you received a rude response from MOH because your justification is not logical or pregnancy related; wont pay $20 but will go out for dinner - same cost if not more, you being bored - not really a pregnant issue.

Are there actually other concerns that you haven't worded to her or us that are making you so hesitant?

Want a personalized experience?

I don't know what to do.... Bachorlette drama.

Re: I don't know what to do.... Bachorlette drama.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards