Best answer for "When are you going to have more kids?"

JalepenoPepper · September 2013

We need to have a contest or something for the best answer to this question. I'm getting a bit tired of saying "Oh I think we're one and done..." or "We'll see if it's in the cards..." or "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be..." or "We're happy with what we have..."

I'm getting pretty good at keeping a straight face through all this, but between the GAZILLION of friends that are on kid #2 and #3, it's getting pretty tough.

JalepenoPepper · September 2013

And btw, one of these days, I may lose it and blurt out "I CAN'T...I'M INFERTILE!!"

That's totally acceptable right?

AlmostWright · September 2013

Somedays I would love to say that too! My answer is usually "We have one miracle and if we are lucky we will have more someday". Makes people think a bit it seems, and they can interpret it any way. Some don't really say anything else and others have questions, which I don't mind answering. It is amazing how many people are silently dealing with IF.

It is really hard though. Most of our friends with kids the same age as DS already have a second (and are either talking about a third or how they are done with 2), and it seems like everyone who had their first after us is pregnant or had #2 already.

KC1212 · September 2013

I would respond when people would ask about # 1... I use to say this:

"If you forgive me for not answering your question, I will forgive you for asking it".

It (IMO) is a eloquent way of telling them to mind their own freaking business or I'm going to kick them in the petunia.

pettycrocker · September 2013

I always say "whenever we have time". Everyone knows H has 2 full time jobs and I am a SAHM to a 2 year old- So in theory this make sense

We actually have awesome timing every month. FU 2IF.

MrsMegan922 · September 2013

I am losing my patience quickly as well - and have really wanted to start telling people that sometimes it isn't as easy as you would think - or something to that effect. It's hard I know.

AprilDrew04 · September 2013

I always answer with "When God decides to bless us again."

freakyfast · September 2013

How about something like 'Well when we are feeling in the 'mood' I will let you know, or I will let you know when the romance strikes and we are going to do the mattress mambo.'

I don't know... I always get really uncomfortable when people ask me. I panic because we have kept most of our journey to ourselves. I know now that I would not ask people the 'baby' question unless they offer it up first. That's for sure.

KC1212 · September 2013

freakyfast said:
How about something like 'Well when we are feeling in the 'mood' I will let you know, or I will let you know when the romance strikes and we are going to do the mattress mambo.'

I don't know... I always get really uncomfortable when people ask me. I panic because we have kept most of our journey to ourselves. I know now that I would not ask people the 'baby' question unless they offer it up first. That's for sure.

Yes it always surprises me when people ask these sorts of questions because I believe that a couple's reproductive choices aren't really something that should be discussed casually. I find it rude. I always want to snap back with counter - personal question like "how much do you weigh?" Or "what is your credit card number?" Something equally invasive just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I think I would feel the same if we were fertile mertile.

annibes · September 2013

I just stay honest about it. "We've been trying... For 3 years!" that usually shocks people enough. Some people stop talking, others ask questions so I answer all I'm comfortable with. With acquaintances I say something more vague like, "any day would be great!"

Mostly I get the "oh as soon as you relax..." response and I can deal with that. It just means that those people haven't had to suffer 2IF and I know I should be happy for them. Now if I could just learn how to relax...

bancbev · September 2013

Like @annibes I am honest with the situation. If they if I want more, I say yes. If they ask when, I tell them as soon as possible, but that I do not get pregnant easily. They either shut up fast, or ask more questions which I am happy to answer.

roughkat · September 2013

It depends on who's asking. I don't usually get mad, honestly. Sometimes it's a little bit of a gut punch, depending on the day, but I totally understand the mentality that kids just happen as soon as you start trying. After all, DS happened after 8 cycles without intervention, so I was one of those people.

I think people are not inherently malicious, or nosy, or anything other than interested in you. Of course, this is my experience, so take that for what it's worth. Everyone that I've told about our journey (and we're very open, because fuck the secrecy, it only leads to more asinine opinions) has been supportive and empathetic. Yes, I've gotten "just relax" or "at least you have DS" and that sucks, but honestly, in my opinion (and again, this is just how I feel) the more people that know, the less taboo of a topic it is. And that is always a good thing.

Random stranger, "We'll have more kids when you'll pay for them".

Someone we care about, who cares about us, "well, here's the story..."

KC1212 · September 2013

That is such a good way to think of things. I get upset with the question still. It feels so private, I don't know.

I admire anyone who is out of the closet. I'm still very very in the closet.

As for the just relax advice...I'm actually starting to believe it has merit. I cannot believe I am saying that because it is so annoying BUT I think it might be true (to a point) and it is something I've been really trying to work on big time because we were one of the just-relax success stories. 4 years of giving it hell and then we give up completely and now 20 months later I'm watching my cutie pie son eat cinnamon bagels...

I don't get the mentality of kids-just-happen. We had primary infertility and therefore have secondary inferility by default. I'm not saying it's harder but it brings (IMO) a different bag of emotions to it all. I feel like I am still fighting baggage from the first 4 years and so sometimes I feel like I started THIS journey already burned out and now it trudged up old demons that I never completely defeated and brought new ones to fight. The plus side (if you want to call it that) is I often feel at an advantage for having had this battle once and as cliche as it sounds it has made me stronger.

Anyway- I just realized I typed a novel- sorry!

freakyfast · September 2013

KC1212 said:

That is such a good way to think of things. I get upset with the question still. It feels so private, I don't know. I admire anyone who is out of the closet. I'm still very very in the closet. As for the just relax advice...I'm actually starting to believe it has merit. I cannot believe I am saying that because it is so annoying BUT I think it might be true (to a point) and it is something I've been really trying to work on big time because we were one of the just-relax success stories. 4 years of giving it hell and then we give up completely and now 20 months later I'm watching my cutie pie son eat cinnamon bagels... I don't get the mentality of kids-just-happen. We had primary infertility and therefore have secondary inferility by default. I'm not saying it's harder but it brings (IMO) a different bag of emotions to it all. I feel like I am still fighting baggage from the first 4 years and so sometimes I feel like I started THIS journey already burned out and now it trudged up old demons that I never completely defeated and brought new ones to fight. The plus side (if you want to call it that) is I often feel at an advantage for having had this battle once and as cliche as it sounds it has made me stronger. Anyway- I just realized I typed a novel- sorry!

We are still pretty much in the closet ourselves. I just told my mother last night, and I don't know why but like you I feel it is private also. I don't get mad either its just uncomfortable and I think well wow this is a medical thing with me, and I just don't feel like discussing it. Especially with people who are just making conversation. Family will be different.

KC1212 · September 2013

@freakyfast - yes, the handful of people who DO know about our IF don't know that we are trying again. So I'm still 1/2 way in the closet (if that makes sense)

freakyfast · September 2013

@KC1212 - yes it makes total sense. I have told one IRL friend and my parents know, and my son. Right now that is it. I am trying to figure out right now how to tell my boss, since my appointments are going to start almost daily here in a couple weeks. I asked my mother last night that we aren't announcing IVF and don't want people asking us about where we at what is going on and in case nothing happens we don't have to answer so many 'extra' questions.

KC1212 · September 2013

@freakyfast My husband had to tell his boss back when we did IUI's and he was very understanding and discreet. I hope your boss shows the same courtesy.

Daily appointments!? WOW. I have almost zero IVF knowledge so I find your journey very interesting (although I am sorry it had to come to that)

freakyfast · September 2013

@KC1212 .. I am trying to think how to approach him about it. When I had my ectopic pregnancy surgery back in April he told some people. Which was uncool, but I think he was worried doesn't excuse it and it irritated me.

With the start of IVF, they have to watch the egg/follicle count and make sure they stop my ovulation in October, so they can take the eggs before they get released and they have to make sure the meds I am taking are the right dosage.

I don't mind keeping you/anyone else updated about it. It seems easy to let go here with you ladies. $:\$ ">

roughkat · September 2013

@freakyfast and @KC1212

I apologize. I certainly didn't mean to sound flippant about telling people. It's just what works for us. And I absolutely recognize that not having had primary infertility has allowed me to have had a different mindset in the past. I think that's why I try not to get too upset when people ask - most people haven't struggled and it doesn't cross their mind that someone might be. I look at it as ignorance, which can come across as insensitivity but I don't think is usually intended to.

I don't know. I may be full of it.

freakyfast · September 2013

Hey roughkat absolutely no reason to apologize. I want to be able to talk about it, but at this point I feel broken and that it is our journey right now, and I will probably be more open to discuss it when we are through (hopefully with a couple babies)

But please don't apologize I admire that you are so open.

KC1212 · September 2013

@roughkat

There is absolutely no need to apologize. I am a mature and educated adult and I look at this board as a means of discussion and I don't really get upset if people disagree or have a different opinion or expirence - I ADMIRE you and hope to LEARN from you as well as others

SnowflakeBride06 · September 2013

I have started to say we are done just to stop the questions. My step-MIL is the worst. She knows I had a mc but every chance she gets she harps on how only children are so lonely and we should do IVF. I just stop talking to her any chance I get.

SIF sucks.

People are clueless and rude to ask such personal questions.

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