Secondary IF

Best answer for "When are you going to have more kids?"

We need to have a contest or something for the best answer to this question. I'm getting a bit tired of saying "Oh I think we're one and done..." or "We'll see if it's in the cards..." or "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be..." or "We're happy with what we have..."

I'm getting pretty good at keeping a straight face through all this, but between the GAZILLION of friends that are on kid #2 and #3, it's getting pretty tough. 

Re: Best answer for "When are you going to have more kids?"

  • Somedays I would love to say that too! My answer is usually "We have one miracle and if we are lucky we will have more someday". Makes people think a bit it seems, and they can interpret it any way. Some don't really say anything else and others have questions, which I don't mind answering. It is amazing how many people are silently dealing with IF.

    It is really hard though. Most of our friends with kids the same age as DS already have a second (and are either talking about a third or how they are done with 2), and it seems like everyone who had their first after us is pregnant or had #2 already.

    DS born Jan 2010

    TTC#2 since Nov 2010 with breaks for DH cancer tx (remission!)

    Tube with hydro removed Feb 2013

    BFP 11/11/13 IUI#2 clomid+trigger+prometrium

    Beta #1 14dpIUI=106; Beta #2 16dpIUI=287; Beta #3 20dpIUI=1158

    5w6d 1 hb 109 and 2nd smaller sac; 7w0d 1 hb 125 and confirmed vanishing twin

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  • I would respond when people would ask about # 1... I use to say this:

    "If you forgive me for not answering your question, I will forgive you for asking it".

    It (IMO) is a eloquent way of telling them to mind their own freaking business or I'm going to kick them in the petunia.
    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


  • pettycrockerpettycrocker member
    edited September 2013
    I always say "whenever we have time". Everyone knows H has 2 full time jobs and I am a SAHM to a 2 year old- So in theory this make sense :/ 

    We actually have awesome timing every month. FU 2IF. 


    Spontaneous pregnancy #1
    DD1 July 31, 2011

    Trying for #2 since Oct 11
    732973 Clomid Cycles
    2 IUIs 
    3 Fresh IVFs= 1 Ectopic treated with MTX
    Spontaneous pregnancy #2= Ectopic #2= lost left tube
    Spontaneous pregnancy #3= DD2 January 29, 2016
    Spontaneous pregnancy #4= Ectopic #3
    Spontaneous pregnancy #5= Baby #3 is a BOY!!! 



    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I am losing my patience quickly as well - and have really wanted to start telling people that sometimes it isn't as easy as you would think - or something to that effect. It's hard I know.

    BFP #1 7/31/09 - m/c 8/22/09

    BFP #2 4/15/10 - DD born 12/31/10

    TTC #2 since July 2012

    BFP #3 9/24/12 - m/c 10/15/12

    Dx PCOS/LPD 5/2013 - Rx Metformin (1500mg) and GF diet

    BFP #4 6/10/13 - CP 6/12/13

    8/2013 Rx for low dose Naltrexone

    9/2013 DH's SA showed low motility/morph/viability

    10/2013 Lap removed multiple areas of scar tissue adhesions and opened blocked tube.

    BFP #5 1/24/2014 - EDD 10/3/2014

    This could be it! Grow baby!

  • I always answer with "When God decides to bless us again."

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    DD conceived after 3 years of ttc.
    MFI - DH had varicocele repair and took Clomid to get DD b. 02/2010

    TTC #2 since 6/2010
    10/2012 DH diagnosed with Epilepsy
    A few failed IUIs summer 2012 and 2013. 
    DH taking clomid and waiting to see if he needs another vericocele repair. 
    Hoping for a 2015 baby or babies. 
    Wishing, hoping, waiting.


    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickersLilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers

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    KC1212
  • How about something like 'Well when we are feeling in the 'mood' I will let you know, or I will let you know when the romance strikes and we are going to do the mattress mambo.' 

    I don't know... I always get really uncomfortable when people ask me. I panic because we have kept most of our journey to ourselves.  I know now that I would not ask people the 'baby' question unless they offer it up first. That's for sure. 



      


  • How about something like 'Well when we are feeling in the 'mood' I will let you know, or I will let you know when the romance strikes and we are going to do the mattress mambo.' 


    I don't know... I always get really uncomfortable when people ask me. I panic because we have kept most of our journey to ourselves.  I know now that I would not ask people the 'baby' question unless they offer it up first. That's for sure. 
    Yes it always surprises me when people ask these sorts of questions because I believe that a couple's reproductive choices aren't really something that should be discussed casually. I find it rude. I always want to snap back with counter - personal question like "how much do you weigh?" Or "what is your credit card number?" Something equally invasive just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

    I think I would feel the same if we were fertile mertile.
    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


  • I just stay honest about it. "We've been trying... For 3 years!" that usually shocks people enough. Some people stop talking, others ask questions so I answer all I'm comfortable with. With acquaintances I say something more vague like, "any day would be great!"

    Mostly I get the "oh as soon as you relax..." response and I can deal with that. It just means that those people haven't had to suffer 2IF and I know I should be happy for them. Now if I could just learn how to relax...
    bancbevAprilDrew04Amores0121
  • Like @annibes I am honest with the situation. If they if I want more, I say yes. If they ask when, I tell them as soon as possible, but that I do not get pregnant easily. They either shut up fast, or ask more questions which I am happy to answer.
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    AprilDrew04
  • roughkatroughkat member
    edited September 2013
    It depends on who's asking.  I don't usually get mad, honestly.  Sometimes it's a little bit of a gut punch, depending on the day, but I totally understand the mentality that kids just happen as soon as you start trying.  After all, DS happened after 8 cycles without intervention, so I was one of those people.

    I think people are not inherently malicious, or nosy, or anything other than interested in you.  Of course, this is my experience, so take that for what it's worth.  Everyone that I've told about our journey (and we're very open, because fuck the secrecy, it only leads to more asinine opinions) has been supportive and empathetic.  Yes, I've gotten "just relax" or "at least you have DS" and that sucks, but honestly, in my opinion (and again, this is just how I feel) the more people that know, the less taboo of a topic it is.  And that is always a good thing.

    Random stranger, "We'll have more kids when you'll pay for them".

    Someone we care about, who cares about us, "well, here's the story..."

    TTC #2 since 1/2012

    AprilDrew04KC1212
  • That is such a good way to think of things. I get upset with the question still. It feels so private, I don't know.

    I admire anyone who is out of the closet. I'm still very very in the closet.

    As for the just relax advice...I'm actually starting to believe it has merit. I cannot believe I am saying that because it is so annoying BUT I think it might be true (to a point) and it is something I've been really trying to work on big time because we were one of the just-relax success stories. 4 years of giving it hell and then we give up completely and now 20 months later I'm watching my cutie pie son eat cinnamon bagels...

    I don't get the mentality of kids-just-happen. We had primary infertility and therefore have secondary inferility by default. I'm not saying it's harder but it brings (IMO) a different bag of emotions to it all. I feel like I am still fighting baggage from the first 4 years and so sometimes I feel like I started THIS journey already burned out and now it trudged up old demons that I never completely defeated and brought new ones to fight. The plus side (if you want to call it that) is I often feel at an advantage for having had this battle once and as cliche as it sounds it has made me stronger.


    Anyway- I just realized I typed a novel- sorry!

    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


  • KC1212 said:
    That is such a good way to think of things. I get upset with the question still. It feels so private, I don't know. I admire anyone who is out of the closet. I'm still very very in the closet. As for the just relax advice...I'm actually starting to believe it has merit. I cannot believe I am saying that because it is so annoying BUT I think it might be true (to a point) and it is something I've been really trying to work on big time because we were one of the just-relax success stories. 4 years of giving it hell and then we give up completely and now 20 months later I'm watching my cutie pie son eat cinnamon bagels... I don't get the mentality of kids-just-happen. We had primary infertility and therefore have secondary inferility by default. I'm not saying it's harder but it brings (IMO) a different bag of emotions to it all. I feel like I am still fighting baggage from the first 4 years and so sometimes I feel like I started THIS journey already burned out and now it trudged up old demons that I never completely defeated and brought new ones to fight. The plus side (if you want to call it that) is I often feel at an advantage for having had this battle once and as cliche as it sounds it has made me stronger. Anyway- I just realized I typed a novel- sorry!
    We are still pretty much in the closet ourselves.  I just told my mother last night, and I don't know why but like you I feel it is private also.  I don't get mad either its just uncomfortable and I think well wow this is a medical thing with me, and I just don't feel like discussing it.  Especially with people who are just making conversation.  Family will be different. 



      


  • @freakyfast - yes, the handful of people who DO know about our IF don't know that we are trying again. So I'm still 1/2 way in the closet (if that makes sense)
    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


  • @KC1212 - yes it makes total sense.  I have told one IRL friend and my parents know, and my son.  Right now that is it.  I am trying to figure out right now how to tell my boss, since my appointments are going to start almost daily here in a couple weeks.  I asked my mother last night that we aren't announcing IVF and don't want people asking us about where we at what is going on and in case nothing happens we don't have to answer so many 'extra' questions.  



      


  • @freakyfast My husband had to tell his boss back when we did IUI's and he was very understanding and discreet. I hope your boss shows the same courtesy.

    Daily appointments!? WOW. I have almost zero IVF knowledge so I find your journey very interesting (although I am sorry it had to come to that)
    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


  • @KC1212 .. I am trying to think how to approach him about it.  When I had my ectopic pregnancy surgery back in April he told some people.  Which was uncool, but I think he was worried doesn't excuse it and it irritated me. 

    With the start of IVF, they have to watch the egg/follicle count and make sure they stop my ovulation in October, so they can take the eggs before they get released and they have to make sure the meds I am taking are the right dosage.  
    I don't mind keeping you/anyone else updated about it.  It seems easy to let go here with you ladies. :\">



      


  • @freakyfast and @KC1212

    I apologize.  I certainly didn't mean to sound flippant about telling people.  It's just what works for us.  And I absolutely recognize that not having had primary infertility has allowed me to have had a different mindset in the past.  I think that's why I try not to get too upset when people ask - most people haven't struggled and it doesn't cross their mind that someone might be.  I look at it as ignorance, which can come across as insensitivity but I don't think is usually intended to.

    I don't know.  I may be full of it.

    TTC #2 since 1/2012

  • Hey roughkat absolutely no reason to apologize.  I want to be able to talk about it, but at this point I feel broken and that it is our journey right now, and I will probably be more open to discuss it when we are through (hopefully with a couple babies) :) But please don't apologize I admire that you are so open. 



      


    KC1212
  • @roughkat

    There is absolutely no need to apologize. I am a mature and educated adult and I look at this board as a means of discussion and I don't really get upset if people disagree or have a different opinion or expirence - I ADMIRE you and hope to LEARN from you as well as others :)
    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


    freakyfast
  • I have started to say we are done just to stop the questions.  My step-MIL is the worst. She knows I had a mc but every chance she gets she harps on how only children are so lonely and we should do IVF.  I just stop talking to her any chance I get.

    SIF sucks.  

    People are clueless and rude to ask such personal questions.


     6/09 right tube loss (fallopian torsion) 12/09 BFP #1 (DD born 9/10)
    8/12 dx Lupus (ANA+/APA-), 12/12 BFP #2  natural m/c 6w 2d 
    TTC#2  since 9/12  50mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #1 Beta 10/4=BFN
                                 50mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #2 Beta 11/1= BFN
                                      100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #3 Beta 12/26=BFFN
    100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #4 Beta 2/14= BFFN
    Took a LONG Break
    Lots of Luck and Love BFPB for life KOFMKG
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