More IUI obsessing (long)

wishiwaspreggo · September 2013

Okay, so last night DP was so excited about thinking I was pregnant that she had me go out and get another pregnancy test and take it right away. I've been telling her about my symptoms (fantasy or otherwise) and she really, really thought I could be pregnant though I was starting to have my doubts. I took the test, and yet again, a BFN. This was the fourth test. Then I started having cramps and told her this month is probably a bust. She was SUPER disappointed. I've learned now that I need to keep this to myself and not mention any of it again. I felt so horrible letting her down and now she's sad. I told her I'd call and make an appointment to see an RE (rather than going back to the OBGYN) and that made her feel better so I'm going to get on that right now.

That being said...

I still want to obsess so I'm going to use this forum as an outlet... because if I come back and say I got my period, I won't be disappointing y'all that much Right?

Here's the deal. I did have cramps last night - but on a scale of 1 to 10 they were about a 2.5, maybe 3. My normal menstrual cramps range from 7.5-9 usually, sometimes peaking at 10 if I don't get medicine on time and it's a rather ugly sight. In any case, mild low-grade cramps aren't abnormal for me before I start my period. Usually means it's imminent within the next 48 hours. When my period is about to start, I will spot pink or bright red and that's how I know. Well, yesterday I spotted creamy brown. I woke up and my cramps are still eh... around 2.5 right now. Normally they'd be escalating. So I'm wondering, friends, could this be implantation bleeding or am I way too hopeful? Yesterday would have been 13 dpiui (12 dpo). Today's the 2 week mark. I don't really want to keep testing because either my period is coming or I JUST implanted so there's no way to tell.

I may get horrible cramps in like, 5 hours and come back on here and say "Nope, no implantation." But I just *feel* pregnant, you know? I've kind of resigned myself to going to an RE - it's fine because I have the money and I (thank God) have a good employer who will let me take time off to see a doctor in Indy so it's not the end of the world if this cycle didn't pan out. I just can't discuss this with DP because I convinced her that I was pregnant and she got really upset and I don't want to do that to her again But at the same time I just can't keep these feelings and experiences to myself. So any input would be lovely, whether affirming my beliefs or pulling me back down to earth!!

Thanks, ladies and bois.

mwagner25 · September 2013

It is really hard in the two week wait to not read into everything you feel in our body. I was an early tester and constantly googled "early pregnancy symptoms" and stories that would validate the chance that maybe I still could be pregnant despite getting BFNs. My periods and symptoms also got a bit wonky when we started trying but that was probably from me stressing myself out more than anything. I think some things that helped me stay rational was reminding myself that if I had enough symptoms to "feel pregnant" then I would have enough preg hormone to turn a test positive. I also took a "drink until pink" approach after my first attempts didn't work and I was starting to obsess more. it was more about approaching the TWW with acting normally and doing what I needed for myself rather than about the actual drinking. But it took away the guilt if I wanted wine and a bath after a long day of work or sushi with friends. Hope that this helps.... And feel free to post anytime about symptoms, ect. It's hard not to obsess with the whole process.

wishiwaspreggo · September 2013

Thanks @mwagner2! Yes, I obsessed like crazy. Literally that's all I focused on. "Drink until pink" does that mean indulging in adult beverages until you get a positive HPT? It doesn't hurt your chances of conceiving at all? Oh, boy, I miss my beer and coffee... If I could carry on with that over the 2WW maybe I'd be less of a nut.

mwagner25 · September 2013

Yes! @wishiwaspreggo.... I had wine and coffee during my TWW until I had a positive HPT. Certainly if your doc tells you to stay off these during your TWW listen to them, but it worked for me and kept me less crazy. It takes several days after implantation before the little ball of cells starts getting any nutrients from you. I certainly didnt binge on things I shouldn't but one glass of wine or a beer shouldn't affect anything that early on.

ATXmommas · September 2013

I took that same approach by my 4th and 5th IUIs. It was emotionally better for me to not start acting like I was pregnant before I was. I didn't go overboard, but I felt comfortable drinking wine occasionally.

Also, I never tested early. Just waited for my blood test. I never wanted to be disappointed by a false BFN, so that's the approach I took. Since this cycle was with your OB, not sure if he or she would order one for you?

Manada · September 2013

the IF board had a 2ww thread going yesterday that made me laugh...

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12064283/confessions-of-the-2ww

Love it. Especially because PMS for me also often includes nausea, so I'm in this battle of being 8dpo (which is way too early), and now obsessed with my nauseous feeling because it could be a "sign" (bah! So much for the just ignoring it plan!)

@wishiwaspreggo -- I don't drink much, but I will also indulge in a beer or two during the 2ww with the same rationale @mwagner25 says.... I have been trying to cut down on my caffeine by cutting my coffee with half decaf -- but a cup a day shouldn't hurt too much I've read. I just drink 2 half decafs a day now instead of one full-strength coffee

wishiwaspreggo · September 2013

Yeah, DP and I read a list of things you are NOT supposed to do during the 2WW. We're totally guilty of all of them.

I don't want to order a blood test through my OB. Even if he did manage to knock me up (again, I hold very little hope in this cycle at this point) I'm very unimpressed with his staff. They were cold, uncaring, and unresponsive. I'm switching OBs anyway, so I figured I may as well see an RE since I have more confidence that they know what they're doing.

I'm done with testing for now. I'm officially telling everyone that this cycle is a bust and then if I do get a BFP in a week or something then it will be a happy surprise. But if I get my period in the next couple days the devastation will be minimized and I'll be at peace because I have my next appointment all set for September 17th If at first you don't succeed, try again!

healz413 · September 2013

wishiwaspreggo said:

Okay, so last night DP was so excited about thinking I was pregnant that she had me go out and get another pregnancy test and take it right away. I've been telling her about my symptoms (fantasy or otherwise) and she really, really thought I could be pregnant though I was starting to have my doubts. I took the test, and yet again, a BFN. This was the fourth test. Then I started having cramps and told her this month is probably a bust. She was SUPER disappointed. I've learned now that I need to keep this to myself and not mention any of it again. I felt so horrible letting her down and now she's sad. I told her I'd call and make an appointment to see an RE (rather than going back to the OBGYN) and that made her feel better so I'm going to get on that right now.

This whole process is hard on everybody in the relationship. And for those who aren't having their bodies potentially pregnant, it can be hard to figure out how to engage with the process and with the physical experiences your partner is feeling. I hope that you do keep talking to your partner rather than feeling like you have to keep things to yourself. However, if this cycle does end with AF, it might be good when you're not yet in the TWW to have a conversation with your partner about how you each want to engage with the process. Does she want to know everything that you're feeling? Does she want to hear your fears and your optimism? Do you want to hear hers? How do you want to talk about it all?
Also, I know that it feels like you are letting her down, but you're not. It's not your fault that you may not be pregnant. And she knows that. She's sad because she wants a baby with you. And that's ok. This process is filled with sadness and stress for many of us. And when we are lucky, it brings us closer to our partners.

Good luck!

ATXmommas · September 2013

Great advice from Healz. Also, finding a new OB and switching to an RE both sound like good plans as you move forward.

wishiwaspreggo · September 2013

Thanks very much, @healz413! I do plan on having a chat with DP after AF arrives so we can decide how we want to communicate moving forward. It is indeed an emotional and draining process. Not to mention the financial stress. DP just gets really impatient and asks me all kinds of questions and asks me to take HPTs and I don't want to deny her but I think I got her more worked up than I should have. We'll need to negotiate this a little better in the future.

Focusing now on my work and looking forward to a fun weekend with my friends.

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