Why only one?

rlyttle · September 2013

Hi! My DS is going to be 3 in 2 weeks. We have recently had two MCs and now we are leaning more towards being one and done. I have always liked the idea of only one child, but for my child's sake I wanted him to have siblings. My DH has always been all for having 2 kids, but now we are both on the fence about TTC again. Some days I really like the idea of an only child, and other days I think we should have another. Please tell me why you are one and done.

SoDoMojo · September 2013

There's a thread on Parenting from yesterday called "If you have siblings". I say you should read that I'd you're concerned about your kid missing out on a sibling relationship.

I'm one and done for a variety of reasons. I lack patience. I deal with depression and anxiety. Money. Space.

My son is perfect, healthy, smart, beautiful. Yet parenting is way hard. I can't imagine stretching myself for a second child.

GL in your decision!

TiffanyBerry · September 2013

We haven't decided if we're OAD just yet. DH feels he would rather be OAD, because he doesn't like the first two to three years. In his words, they sucked. He doesn't want to do that again. He also wants to retire early. And (again, in his own words) he doesn't want to be a responsible adult - and since he is, that really just means he doesn't want *more* responsibility.

I'm much more on the fence. Well, really, I'd like another myself, but I'm feeling like that's not the right answer for our family as a whole. I wish it were, since I would like another, but this isn't a decision made by me alone.

hopefulmom81 · September 2013

If you look back, there are a lot of threads on this board with answers to your question.

My short-ish answer?

Our family feels complete, DD is enough, DD is a happy healthy baby, finances, miscarriages prior to DD, stressful pregnancy, pregnancy induced hypertension, horrible L&D, bad PPA, don't want to deal with another newborn (I was happy to do it for DD, but don't want to do it again).

Also, I am an only and loved it.

arbutusbride · September 2013

Financial concerns are the biggest reason. We are adopting after IF so we spent a lot of money on trying to conceive (I had 4 m/c) with no luck. After a long talk and soul searching we felt that we would be happy with one. Plus, with one we are open to being a host family for a foreign exchange student or be a billet family for the local minor league hockey team.

firewife9278 · September 2013

Mainly because IF treatments are expensive.

AND, it took almost 3 years to get pregnant with DD, and I don't want to deal with the heartache of failed cycles again.

ChiTown Bridget · September 2013

I'm one and done sadly not by choice. It took almost 7 years for me to get pregnant with ds. Infertility, multiple m/c's and the fact that I developed HELLP with ds and had to deliver early via c/s. I'm also 37 so age isn't on my side.

KatieB19 · September 2013

M&MHaveMyHeart said:
I do not desire another child.
#1 reason.

This. I did not enjoy pregnancy (when I decided we were oad), and now that ds is here I can't picture having more. I did get the 2 year itch much to my surprise, but it's gone now lol -- and even then I couldn't imagine us being 4. Our family truly feels complete.

scrappingcat · September 2013

I'm a great mom to one but I don't think I would be a great mom of more than 1 because I would worry about splitting time evenly!

I really hated the newborn/infant stage and had to deal with PPD.

We love being able to give DS our undivided attention.

I don't think our marriage would survive a second child, either!

MAtoNC · September 2013

Because it didn't work out for us to have more than one. Trying to embrace what life gave us rather than wishing for something that will not be. The silver lining in a high risk pregnancy and 2 losses is knowing what a miracle our son is.

Smudges*Mom · September 2013

Our LO (four years old now) is an IVF baby. I never felt good while pregnant. Ended up with pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome at nearly 42 weeks pregnant. Crushing PPD hit the day we came home from the hospital. DH is in the military. He deployed when I was about 20 weeks along and returned home when LO was nine months old (meaning he missed the awful delivery experience of my emergency c-section, the miserable treatment for my conditions, LO's brief NICU stay as a result of meconium in his throat and my PPD recovery during which my parents cared for me and LO for two months until I was finally able to regain my independence). We move frequently (we've been married for seven years and live in house number seven). We moved to Germany in March 2012. DH deployed in June, for eleven months, leaving me to try to do more than merely survive in a foreign country with a child who turned three and became a complete challenge to parent. (DH is now safely home and LO has returned to being a loving and pleasant child once turning four.). I have ADHD and have to be off my stimulant medication while TTC and pregnant. That is not fun for me as well as those close to me. And, I just turned 42.

What in that paragraph says, "Let's do this again!"?

madmoizaile · September 2013

I don't have the desire for another child.
I could give many reasons but honestly I just don't want another child.
I felt I was done when I hold ma baby in my arms. No doubt for me.

Yet, I love children, being with them, taking care for them, spending my time with them ♥

Shelly038 · September 2013

TiffanyBerry said:

We haven't decided if we're OAD just yet. DH feels he would rather be OAD, because he doesn't like the first two to three years. In his words, they sucked. He doesn't want to do that again. He also wants to retire early. And (again, in his own words) he doesn't want to be a responsible adult - and since he is, that really just means he doesn't want *more* responsibility.

I'm much more on the fence. Well, really, I'd like another myself, but I'm feeling like that's not the right answer for our family as a whole. I wish it were, since I would like another, but this isn't a decision made by me alone.

This is us! While my husband hasn't come right out and said he'd like to be OAD yet, he's definitely hinted to it. Breaks my heart because I really wanted a second. But it's a decision we'll have to make together and if he's really against having another, then we'll probably be OAD. He's mostly concerned about money. He doesn't want to ever have to tell our DD no because we don't have the money to buy her something or take her somewhere.

Ago · September 2013

TiffanyBerry said:

We haven't decided if we're OAD just yet. DH feels he would rather be OAD, because he doesn't like the first two to three years. In his words, they sucked. He doesn't want to do that again. He also wants to retire early. And (again, in his own words) he doesn't want to be a responsible adult - and since he is, that really just means he doesn't want *more* responsibility.

This is exactly where I'm at. My husband just said again last night, as we were fighting our daughter's 3 hours to go to bed "When you want another, just remember this moment."
I'm much more on the fence. Well, really, I'd like another myself, but I'm feeling like that's not the right answer for our family as a whole. I wish it were, since I would like another, but this isn't a decision made by me alone.

Nechie122 · September 2013

It's a lifestyle choice for us. I like the equilibrium that comes with only having one kid; I never feel stretched. Time, money, career, marriage, friendships ... I love being a mom but I need balance too.

Right now we're at the point of asking ourselves why WOULDN'T we have one? Sometimes I think: "I should want a second ..." or "I'm supposed to want a second ..." But then I struggle to come up with a reason for having another one. And I think that's key for us. One is awesome. Why rock the boat?

Sweet13Princess · October 2013

I love my daughter dearly, but I'm not a very patient person and the labor and delivery was a b*tch. 36 hours of painful labor, an emergency c-section, three bags of blood transfusions, and both of us being exposed and treated for e. coli, then having to have a D&C when I didn't heal after bleeding two months straight.... I don't need to go through it again!! I'm a teacher and am around kids all day. It's nice to have some peace when I get home. Again, I love my daughter with all my heart, but I just don't think I could handle a second child.

Shannon

Elisha Shick · October 2013

im OAD

after our daughter was born I had a heart attach and was diagnosed with heart failure. both me and another baby would or could die if I became pregnant again. not a chance I want to take. I do not want to leave my husband to raise our daughter alone. and I don't want to leave my daughter with out a mother. I grew up with out a mother and that's not what I want her to go though.

my husband wants more children. he wants a boy. but doesn't want to adopt a child.

I know we can afford to raise our daughter with no issues. and I can handle one child. but I don't see me raising another child.

meo34 · October 2013

We were one and done for medical reasons (HELLP as well!). I struggled with that for awhile but honestly now looking at our friends with 2-3 kids I am soooo glad we are one and done. Financially easier,better for our careers, more balance in our lives and us time.I am very happy not to be dealing with toilet training and terrible twos at this point in my life. We also love to travel and veing one and done has allowed us to continue with this lifestyle.

mwhipple77 · October 2013

I'm glad I came across this question. It's good to see there are many moms out there who feel the same way, but for all the varieties of reasons. I'm pregnant with my first child at age 36. My husband is 41 and his first as well. My biggest concern is our age. It's amazing how many people feel like we will be missing out on something by only having 1 child...how do I know I'm missing out on something I haven't even had yet? Yes, I may change my mind eventually, but at this time, I feel that OAD is going to be just what our family needs. My husband was an only child and he turned out just fine. And it's interesting to me that his mom is the one who always says that we'll want at least one more.

rlyttle · October 2013

I go back and forth about it, but I think being OAD is the best for our family. I will admit that I'm selfish and I want to still be able to maintain a life that includes vacations, nice cars, home improvements, getting my nails done, money in the bank, ect. Both my DH and I work full time jobs and we both work really hard. I wouldn't trade DS for the world, but I don't like the life I imagine with two kids. Daycare costs, sleepless nights, 2 colleges to pay for, less time with DS, stress on our marriage, less vacations, more homework, more practices, ect. I know I sound selfish but I want to have life, and I just see myself giving up too much of myself if we have another kid. I know I would love it, it would be so sweet, and DS would have a sibling, but those are the only reasons I can think of to consider #2. My pro list out weights the con list when it comes to being OAD.... at this point.

Bellanoel87 · October 2013

We decided oad for now because I have trouble with depression and I know my limits. The idea of another baby sounds heavenly but I know it would take a lot of work and I get overwhelmed easily. We feel like things are pretty mellow and easy going and we like it that way. Our son is funny, outgoing, smart and such a joy to be around. Not sure how baby #2 would be and thats kind of scary plus we have a routine that works great for us. It would be an adjustment to have to start over with nighttime feedings and less sleep and less time money etc. Not gonna lie its also nice to have a little extra time for romance and me time I feel selfish saying that but it's the truth. If we did ever have another child it wouldn't be for another 2 years but we are leaning more towards oad...

cvpis4me · October 2013

Where is the Parenting thread for "If you have siblings"? This is one of our major concerns when deciding to be "one and done". My husband and I feel perfectly fine only having one child but there's now a third member of our family (our daughter) who has just as much a voice as we do. However my experience with baby-sitting is that most kids love the idea of a baby brother or sister but when I bring my 10 month old daughter with me it only take a couple hours for those kids to change their minds! Little did they realize how noisy babies can be lol

KatieB19 · October 2013

@cvpis4me I haven't read through it, but this is the thread SoDoMojo was talking about:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12062713/if-you-have-siblings

Muffins_Mom · November 2013

The biggest reason is that I've never had any desire to have more than one - ever. There are others though: financially we're able to do more for one (private school, long and fairly frequent trips to Disney World, etc); my age; his age; my career. We can give her more quality time. What it boils down to is that it's just right for us.

driveshorses · November 2013

SoDoMojo said:

I'm one and done for a variety of reasons. I lack patience. I deal with depression and anxiety. Money. Space. My son is perfect, healthy, smart, beautiful. Yet parenting is way hard. I can't imagine stretching myself for a second child.

This. Except I have a daughter, not a son. I also cannot "see" having another child in our family. Mu daughter is awesome and amazing. We are complete.

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