How to tell a grieving friend

holly820 · September 2013

My husband and I are good friends with 2 amazing couples. We were all trying to start a family at the same time. One couple had been struggling with infertility but finally conceived after 2 years. At 20 weeks, they discovered their baby had a heart defect and wouldn't live. She had to carry him to term and he passed away 4 hours after birth. The second couple conceived 3 months after the first and had a perfect pregnancy and now have a beautiful baby.

It's been 4 months since the first couple lost their DS and it is still so painful for them. They struggle with the grief daily...even to the point that they have cut ties with the second couple because they can't stand to see them with their new baby.

My husband and I are starting to inform friends and family of our upcoming addition and I don't know how to tell my friends. It will hurt them terribly and may cause us to lose two amazing friends. But, at the same time, if we don't tell them, they will obviously find out and be more hurt that we didn't tell them. How do I tell them that we are pregnant without crushing them?

dannie2011 · September 2013

4 months is still very soon to expect them to not hurt. I have seen many post on here where couples have been dealing with yrs of infertility and each one of them has always mention to let friend know in an email. That way she can deal with all her emotions in private. If she stops contacting you do not be offended, she is going to hurt like hell and needs to protect herself.

rachbaby1 · September 2013

I'm so sorry they had to go through that - how heartbreaking. A lot of advice has been given on the site with regard to this topic, and the main gist has been not to tell them in person so that they have time to grasp it on their own. Maybe a letter or something a little more formal than an email? Or email could work too. I would let them know that I know they are still hurting from their loss, and that they are important to you and you did not want to leave them out of what is happening in your life, but you understand if it is not something they can handle. Good luck.

jfb29 · September 2013

I would personally write them a nice handwritten letter. They will probably need to grieve a bit at the news and may not talk to you for a while. This is totally normal and understandable on their part. In your letter I'd tell them that you are writing them because you know it will be hard for them to hear but that they mean very much to you and your husband. Tell them that they should take all the time they need and that you guys are there for them whenever they need support or a friend. Give them the opportunity to initiate the next communication. Finally, tell them you and your husband think of them often and, if appropriate for them, that you are praying for them.

ellajune2012 · September 2013

I agree with the others on the general message but personally I feel an email is fine - no need to write a formal letter (but you know your friend best). Just put the ball in her court and don't take it personally if she needs some space to process her feelings separate from you for a while. Chances are she's happy for you, but that doesn't mean it isn't also a reminder of what she lost. In time you'll have the closeness back, even if she needs to take a break for a while.

angelsnight · September 2013

dannie2011 said:

4 months is still very soon to expect them to not hurt. I have seen many post on here where couples have been dealing with yrs of infertility and each one of them has always mention to let friend know in an email. That way she can deal with all her emotions in private. If she stops contacting you do not be offended, she is going to hurt like hell and needs to protect herself.

This. Email might sound a little cold, but it will allow your friends to react privately. If crying and being angry is what they need to do, they can do that without feeling bad for you for their reaction.

Also, please try to understand if they cannot talk or hang out with you guys for a long time. I met a friend on here and we became pretty close, especially when we both got pregnant within two weeks of each other. At around 15 weeks my friend lost her baby and was devestated...she was still happy for me, but I was still pregnant and it was just too painful for her to continue talking to me. I understood, I told her I was always here if she needed me, and I stepped back.

A month later when MH and I lost our baby, I told her and we were both able to support one another in our losses, but had we not lost our baby, I doubt our friendship would have been able to go on and I completely understood.

angelsnight · September 2013

FarmBoysWife said:

I would personally write them a nice handwritten letter. They will probably need to grieve a bit at the news and may not talk to you for a while. This is totally normal and understandable on their part. In your letter I'd tell them that you are writing them because you know it will be hard for them to hear but that they mean very much to you and your husband. Tell them that they should take all the time they need and that you guys are there for them whenever they need support or a friend. Give them the opportunity to initiate the next communication. Finally, tell them you and your husband think of them often and, if appropriate for them, that you are praying for them.
This, if not in person. You wouldn't email your friend with a "deepest sympathy" card, the more personal, more love the better.

No but a deepest sympathy is expressing support for their loss....telling a friend about your good news just a few months after their tragedy in person is very hard for the person receiving the news. Crying and being angry isn't the "acceptable" response for when a friend tells you they're pregnant so they'd likely feel very bad if this happened. But if they put on a happy face and hide their pain, they'll likely feel like shit for acting like they're over the moon. The respect for their privacy and knowing the news will hurt them outweighs the fact that email is impersonal.

However I just realized I'm not sure if you're saying a handwritten letter is better than email, or if you're saying in person is best and if not that then a handwritten letter. The above is in response if you're saying in person is best.

PerkyErky · September 2013

It's only been 4 months and they are most definitely still grieving their loss and it is very fresh for them. Depending on your relationship with them, it may be best to tell them in an email. That way they can process the information and not have to put on a show for you. It won't be that they aren't excited and happy for you, they are just so terribly heartbroken for their loss. Remember you are getting what they wanted and lost. I would also add in your email, that you know this information will be difficult for them to hear.

They may not be in a place where they can be around you, especially as your pregnancy progresses and you are visibly pregnant. Seeing pregnant women was so incredibly difficult after my loss.

While it may be difficult to not take it personally if they withdraw from the relationship, it really is not because of anything you did or that they are not happy for you. It is just so incredibly difficult. I can't even explain the overwhelming pain that would overcome me when I saw pregnant women or were with friends who were pregnant or had babies shortly after my loss. Even now, when I am pregnant, it is still hard to be around people whose babies are the age my daughter should be.

Let them know they can take as much time as they need and you understand if they need time and space away from you during their grief and healing process. Let them know that you are still here and are able to talk if they want and you can definitely discuss non-baby related things.

If your relationship less conducive to an email, I would NOT tell them around other people, but in private. Even over the phone.

Good luck. This is a tough situation.

Want a personalized experience?

How to tell a grieving friend

Re: How to tell a grieving friend

Choose Another Board

Search Boards