toddler aggression (boys)

khill86 · August 2013

So the other day, DS and I had a play date with my friend's 19 month old (exactly 5 months older than DS).

So the other boy, S, was really grabby and pushy with DS, which didn't bother me. I mean DS is grabby and pushy with smaller babies, too. But then S threw a couple trains right at DS's face, then he hit him in the face with a train in his hand. And S was grabbing me around my neck and pulling DS's hair. S's mom says he's rough with her all the time.

I know some aggression is normal while toddlers are learning about appropriate behaviour, but S seemed really rough to me! However, I also haven't been around a lot of toddlers. Then again, DS goes to daycare for the occasional half day and I never see any battle wounds from other kids there (there's an 18 month old boy and 2 year old boy).

DS is not rough like that, although he is younger. BUT, we have 2 dogs and a cat so "gentle" touching has been a "thing" forever. S has no pets. Not to mentioned S's mama slapped his hands when he was hitting, which... Whatever. In my I'm-the-perfect-parent mode I didn't feel like that was the best way to handle S's hitting, but I'd never say anything.

Does S's behaviour seem about average? I'm more just curious about what it's store for us with DS. Like do I have to expect some really rough play, hitting, etc in the next few months?

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2013

That seems a little more over the top than then aggression I've had with my kids or seen among their peers, but I'm guessing there's a pretty broad range of "normal". We've had biting and hitting phases but they've been mostly short lived. My kids have always had a live in playmate to learn social rules from so maybe its a bit different.

spring_time · August 2013

I think it totally depends on the child. At 19 months, we had a VERY serious hitting issue. Luckily his aggression was mostly toward me, and rarely toward other children. I would talk to my friends who would shake their heads and say they never had that problem. I will never forget when my mom said, "Where do you think he learned that learned behavior?" We did not spank in our house, he did not watch violent shows, the other kids at his daycare did not hit. I have no idea why he started to do it, but he did. It lasted over 6 months. There were more than a few times that I thought I would have a black eye. I will not lie, at one point we did spank him back and ask if he liked that feeling. We had tried everything we could to stop the hitting, nothing worked. It was a never say never moment and we were at the end of our rope. It worked short term, certainly not long term and is not something we continued. He finally just seemed to outgrow it.

It is difficult to say what is average, it depends on context. DS has a few shy, mild mannered friends. When he is with those friends, he looks pretty rough and tumble. However, he has some other friends who are a lot more wild. He looks to be about average when he is with those friends. I prefer when he plays with those more active friends, I feel less judged by the moms.

chardonnay24 · August 2013

We struggle a lot with aggression. My kid is pretty "intense" and we're dealing with a variety of developmental delays and sensory issues, so I don't think it's typical. We've been dealing with it since about 21/22 months. It was directed at me (solely) for a couple months, but now he rarely hits me but does hit/push/throw things at other kids on occasion. I am a helicopter mom, but only to intervene because he is prone to aggression.

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