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NWMR - Announcing PG when it is a sensitive situation

*sparky**sparky* member
in Working Moms

Posting this here because I posted here a few months ago about SIL's alcoholism and depression and now I need some follow up advice...

SIL actually went in for treatment and has been sober for a month now.  She has also been able to go on antidepressants, which she could not do before, because of the amount of alcohol she was consuming.  So by all accounts she is doing well day-to-day but she is in regular counseling, AA, etc. and is nowhere near out of the woods yet.

One major cause of her depression is the fact that SIL was never able to have children.  She went through various fertility treatments for years and was never able to carry a pregnancy to term.  The fact that she will not have a child is very upsetting to her.

Meanwhile, I am now 7 weeks PG.  We do not plan to share this information with DH's family for a few more weeks because we want to make sure we are out of the woods but I am really nervous to do so because of SIL.  They are long distance so we will not be able to make this announcement in person (which may be best anyway).  We have a son, who SIL adores, and I know she would love a future niece/nephew as well, but I also know that this will be difficult news for her to hear.  And given her current situation we need to handle it very sensitively.

So does anyone have advice for me?  Or are there resources for this, or a better board to post this on?  TIA

 

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Re: NWMR - Announcing PG when it is a sensitive situation

  • LoCarbLoCarb member
    First, Congrats and H&H 9 months!

    How are you going to share the news with the rest of the family that is long distance? Phone call or creative way like a big Bro shirt pic? I would share the news the same way to your SIL-don't let her feel left out.. Just not dwell on any details and I probably would not speak of the pg much throughout to SIL.

    The Infertility board may have better insight.
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  • *sparky**sparky* member

    Thanks LoCarb. 

    My IL's are pretty simple people so probably just a phone call.  MIL and FIL will be elated for us.  This has been a long time coming as we have our own struggles.

    I didn't know if it would be best to email SIL first, so she can absorb the news before talking to us on the phone.  My biggest fear is that this will hit her really hard and she will end up turning to drinking.  Maybe I am putting more emphasis on this than I need to but it is a very sensitive situation and she has needed to get help for some time now.

     

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  • bullybuttbullybutt member
    I've never been in this situation, but I like the thought of not leaving out the SIL in the news or side-stepping her. I would maybe hype up her roll as the "favorite aunt to DS is going to be an aunt to 2 of our babies now".  Definitely try to reinforce her importance in their life and maybe it will click for her to maintain her health & treatment.

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  • aglennaglenn member
    Could you have a phone consultation with her counselor for advice?  The counselor will be in the best position to judge her ability to deal with the news.
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  • *sparky**sparky* member
    aglenn said:
    Could you have a phone consultation with her counselor for advice?  The counselor will be in the best position to judge her ability to deal with the news.

    That is actually good advice.  My MIL, who is in the medical field, actually recommended the counselor SIL is seeing, so she has the contact information.  We will ultimately talk to her first anyway and ask for her advice on how to approach with SIL.

     

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  • mae0111mae0111 member
    I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say congratulations and H&H 9 months!
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  • *sparky**sparky* member
    mae0111 said:
    I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say congratulations and H&H 9 months!

    Thank you!  We are still very cautious at this point but I hope all goes well. 

     

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  • itsmevkbitsmevkb member
    I like the idea of contacting her counselor but if not I would choose to email her privately to let her know the news as opposed to including her in some group announcement.  As someone who has had fertility issues and knows many women who has as well, most would want to be told in a "safe" manner where they could then take time to adjust to the news.  To me, that would be email as opposed to being on the phone and having to respond verbally and offer cheerful congrats right that second.  Not that she won't be happy for you, but one can be happy for someone while also being sad for their own situation.

    Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12

    Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck.  Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.

    This Cluttered Life

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  • financialdivafinancialdiva member
    I would tell her first, alone and maybe a couple of days before you tell everyone else so she has time to process. She will cry, and be sad for herself only, but will be happy for guys.

    I got mixed responses on the email
    Vs the phone thing too when I asked the same question about announcing to my long distance cousin who was struggling with IF at the time. I think it just depends to the person.

    GL. And congrats! H&H 9 months!
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  • st.augbridest.augbride member

    Having been through IF and my own family members with addiction issues, I completely understand your very valid concerns. I'm sure just one month into sobriety, your SIL is experiencing a lot of emotions. And IF is hard on any woman, even without the alcohol addiction background. I do think I would email her privately before telling others. I would tell her that you wanted to let her know this news and that you understand she has been through so much, and the last thing you'd want is for this to hit her unexpectedly. Take some time to craft the language. Then, once you send that, then I'd tell the rest of the family. They might realize this will be hard on her and want to keep a closer eye. 

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  • *sparky**sparky* member

    I like the idea of contacting her counselor but if not I would choose to email her privately to let her know the news as opposed to including her in some group announcement.  As someone who has had fertility issues and knows many women who has as well, most would want to be told in a "safe" manner where they could then take time to adjust to the news.  To me, that would be email as opposed to being on the phone and having to respond verbally and offer cheerful congrats right that second.  Not that she won't be happy for you, but one can be happy for someone while also being sad for their own situation.

    I completely get this bolded part, and I believe ultimately this is how she will feel, but I am expecting this to hit her pretty hard at first.  I believe I have read, maybe in similar posts in the past on the Bump, that email is best at first so the person can deal with their reaction to the issue before having to put on a happy face for the person making the announcement.  I completely respect that, and if she is never over-the-moon excited for us, we are okay with that too.  SHe has been through a lot and we know IF has been very hard on her.

     

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